Looking for advice

So now that my hubby matched, I/we have to make decisions regarding my job and Im looking for advice/additional info anyone can provide me with.

"We" have decided to move to the area he is doing residency in within the next couple months. However I have a job here that pays me relatively well and that I like very much. I am currently job searching in the new area but not much luck finding opportunities thus far and nothing compares to salary I make in current posistion (not that its all about $$, but as you all know med school was expensive!) I started thinking maybe I should stay at current job for upcoming year (since it is his residency year and I dont know that I will spend much time with hubby anyway). If I stay at current job I can live with family and save on rent too, and I would go back and forth on weekends or time off. Hubby and I talked about this and just dont know what we should do. Any insight and all opinions welcome. Thanks!

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I do this now. Let me tell you, it's a lonely and slippery slope.

We started dating while we lived in the same city. He moved 4 months after we started dating to another city, a plane ride away, and we visited on weekends. We got engaged after 1 year and I began going back and forth two weeks of each month between cities. I've been doing it for almost two years and we've since gotten married and bought a small home where he goes to school.

For us, honestly, it was mostly about the money and frankly, the prestige of my job. It was really, really attractive to continue working in my current job, making good money, and continue moving up in my career. Let me tell you, it's been really, really hard. And most days, I just wish I quit my job the day we got engaged. That would have been easier, pulling it off like a bandaid. Because at first I was only staying 6 months and then moving but then I needed time off for the wedding and that stretched to a year. And then it was bonus time. And then we were 7 months from leaving for a year abroad. That's what I mean about a slippery slope. Once you've decided to do that, when does it end? I thought it would be obvious but it wasn't.

It's incredibly lonely. You're in one place sometimes and in one during another times. People just assume you're the other place. Plus there are a lot of weekends with your husband as an intern that won't be "off" so it quickly gets transformed into a long time without seeing him. On night float when his hours were opposite of mine, we spoke <5 minutes a day. And let me tell you, it's REALLY hard to get a tired man to talk about anything over the phone.

Plus, there's the logistics of houses/work/taxes/bills in 2 places. It's a logistical nightmare. I come home to piles and piles of mail.

I completely underestimated the value of simply sharing the same bed at the end of a long day. I keep REALLY busy and work long, long hours as well (often longer than my MS3 husband) so it's not an issue of me sitting around waiting for him, it's that it would be REALLY nice a lot of nights to just share a hug at the end of the day.

Sorry, I realize I make this sound awful. To be honest, it's completely do-able. After all, we've been doing it for 2 years. But it's NOT fun. And NO ONE understands. And I'm REALLY looking forward to it ending soon.

Let me know if you have specific questions. I just rattled off this response totally stream of conciousness so I'm sure I missed something/wasn't informative. Sorry!

[Tenacious_D]

My 2 cents....move together. If it is at all avoidable, I suggest being together. Work out the kinks when the time comes.

[oceanchild]

I'm glad Tulips replied, because she's absolutely the best person for you to hear from. Here's my two cents.

About 2 weeks after match day, I was offered an incredibly cool job at the agency where I worked. It was a limited time thing, I could have done it for as little as 6 months and not more than 18. I wanted to take it really badly, but I turned it down. We had made plans to move together, and I would have missed the chance to set up our house, adapt to the new place with him, and all the other things I had been planning for. Plus, y'know, we got married because we like being together.

Now, reading your introduction, our situation was a lot different. We were moving from Washington, DC, to Colorado, which is a huge distance. It sounds like you'd be a manageable drive apart. But it also sounds like you have the skills to be incredibly employable. Teacher hiring is probably just starting for next year. I bet you could find a job. (Although obviously, you never know.)

I ended up having an infinitely easier time finding a job here than I ever expected. And it's a job I really like, too. Job hunting sucks - no question. But temporarily avoiding it isn't going to make it go away.

For whatever that's worth.

[medpedspouse]

DH has a super cool job and I have a double super cool job (I think mine is better ) just not in the same city. We see each other on the weekends. Yes, some days have been hard but the majority has been positive. I see it as a quality time vs quantitity time issue. I could take something where we live but it would not be as "cool", would not get paid as much (could not afford the "extras" as we do now too) and I would not be as happy. Whenever those few hard times have occured, I have questioned whether or not I should continue. DH always reminds me that he would rather see me be happy, content with my career than living under the same roof with a crappy job/salary...My career is just as important as his. Now, if I would get a equitable offer in my hometown...I'd take it it in a heartbeat but until then, we will continue to cherish our quality time....OR until the negatives of commuting outweigh the positives. Bear in mind that it may be easier for you to get a job when you already have a job. So, staying in your current position does not have to be permanent. You could also try it out and then decide that teh separation is not for you.

If you are interested in the logistics of meeting household chores/family responsibilities when apart, PM me and I'll share what has worked for us.

[MarissaNicole]

I just wanted to say job hunting does suck. I'm having a bad attitude day....

Job hunting sucks - no question. But temporarily avoiding it isn't going to make it go away.

For whatever that's worth.[/QUOTE]

SO VERY TRUE.
I feel like I am just avoiding the inevitable with waiting to move. As Tulips said too--when would it end..1 years turns into another etc. Thanks for your imput guys..still weighing all my options.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I would also like to say that on my first day at iMSN, I posted the same question. I was all gung-ho about making it work and it made a lot of sense - we'd only been dating for 4 months and I was not engaged! How could I move with him?

And the very, very wise people on this board told me to move. They said it wasn't fair but medicine isn't going to get MORE fair so if you love him, go be with him. They are very wise here and I take full responsibility for NOT listening to them.

I guess I just think when I step back, what I was saying (and not saying that you are saying this AT ALL), was that my job was a higher priority than my relationship. Or at least equal. And I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that anymore. Because I'm pretty darn employable. In fact, switching jobs for me would be much easier than it has been for some of the folks here (hello all you who have taken multiple bar exams!) and I should have done it.

But, if you decide to do it, I'll be your biggest supporter and tell you how to make everything work. We've made it work. Really well. We've got a house and a dog and my DH and I are both excelling at what we do. I'm crazy about him and I just wish we lived together 100% of the time...

[medpedspouse]

I will add that there are differences in how people react to you - at least in my experience. People cannot believe that we have the schedule that we do but these same people would not bat an eye if the male spouse was the one not living in the primary residency. I know several male friends that travel weekly/flying all over the place. No one thinks twice about it. No one also thinks twice about the fact that all through training DH was absent many times because of his schedule...absent even when he was under the same roof in his post-call state.

Sounds to me like if you keep your job you will not only continue doing something you love, get adequately paid but also have family support. Like I said, you could try it for a while and if it does not work out move. No one will think anything about you wanting to live with your DH 100% of the time.

[SuzySunshine]

Any chance you could telecommute? I left a job I loved to move with DH at one point and I wish I had at least explored the option before I put in my resignation.

[Chrisada]

Have you called the state to see if they will take your license? When we moved from TN to MI my teaching license would have carried over. It seems that special ed is usually in pretty high demand.

[Bittersweet]

DH and I grappled with this same dilemma last year. Ultimately we agreed that I would stay behind until I found a job I was excited about in our new locale. This happened sooner than anticipated and I moved in late July.

Looking back, I’m glad it worked out that way. My DH has a couple outpatient months during which he had weekends off. The rest of the year, he gets one random day off per week. Since I work Mon.-Fri., even living in the same town, our days off rarely concede. Visiting during the weekends would not have been worth the hassle. Plus, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by his availability during non-call evenings. I’m glad I’m around to share those unexpected moments.

But … I was able to find a rewarding job here and his program is compliant with the 80 hrs./week rule. Had the circumstances been different, I’m not sure I’d feel the same.

[houseelf]

There are many different routes to have a happy marriage. What does your gut say? When you envision your life, what do you see?

Kelly

So nice to hear everyone's stories, since everyone has a different one to tell. I know we will make it work whatever we decide. I am fortunate enough that I am an educator and know there will be an opportunity somewhere. I am lucky that CT and RI do have reciprocity with my teaching certificate so I just need to apply for a new certificate whout taking more exams--yea! So I think I am going to hang onto my current job, while job hunting, keeping options open and see what happens. If something comes along that looks promising, I will got for it. If nothing really presents itself, I know I could stay here until there is another option. Thats the plan for now..or at least for the night, until I think more about it and change my mind! I am such a planned person--I wish I had it all figured out. I know some of you must also posess that lovely quality too!

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I am such a planned person--I wish I had it all figured out. I know some of you must also posess that lovely quality too!

Oh yes, we do, in bunches!

No matter what you decide, people here will get to know you and support you. I'm consistently amazed at the outpouring of advice, love, and support [plus the occasional, necessary kick in the butt] that comes from everyone here.