When was the last time you made a new friend?

DH and I have lived in our city for a few years now, and we didn't have any friends or family in the area when we moved here. Let's just say that making friends from scratch has been incredibly slow-going, for both of us. DH just doesn't have the time or energy to make friends, since he pretty much has zero free time as an attending. He doesn't seem particularly upset by the fact that he hasn't made a single friend here. I've made one good friend, through school, which is great. But it would be nice to make a few more friends or have at least one couple friend, so that we can double-date and so that I can have people to hang out with during the lonely nights and weekends when DH is working late or on call.

What we've found in our various attempts to get to know people here is that it seems that people pretty much have their social circles established by the time they're in their 30's, which makes it really hard to find people who have the time, interest, and energy to make new friends. Most people we meet either grew up here or went to college here, and no one seems to be in our situation, of moving here without any connection to the area.

I've tried various things, such as meetup.com groups, social groups, and taking adult ed classes, but while I enjoyed the company of the people in these groups during the activity/class, I didn't have the opportunity to get to know people well. My next step is to join a gym, meet our new neighbors, and DH and I have joined a new social group that we're really excited about, so we'll see how these go. Also, when classes start up again this fall there will be all new people in my classes to get to know. However, so far, moving here has been a dry spell socially, and DH and I basically have a non-existent social life, which really bums me out (though it doesn't bother DH at all).

My question isn't about how to meet people. The things I've tried so far haven't really worked well but we have some new opportunities to meet people coming up, and we'll see how these go. But I'm wondering when was the last time that you made a new friend? How about your medical spouse? Not just an acquaintance but a really good friend. How did you come to make this new friend (book club, through your kids' activities, etc.)? Do you have an interest in actively trying to make new friendships? Or are you content with the social circle you already have? Do you think it's harder to make new friends once you have kids?

[poky]

Last time I made a new good friend was in the last year or so. The key is to find other people who recently moved and are also looking for new local friends, consciously or not. I've met mine through medical student spouse gatherings, and the knitting group I started going to. Took at least 2 years to feel like they were really good friends. You're right that *most* people who've been in a city more than few years already pretty much have a social circle already set up.

[SuzySunshine]

We are also still in training and my new friends have also been new resident spouses that have moved here. That means most of them are younger then me but that doesn't bother me. All of DH's friends are from work he doesn't have time to meet anyone else and I don't expect that to change until we are done with training in a little less then 2 years.

I would say most of my friends have come from my Side by Side group which is a national medical spouse bible study group.

[Ladybug]

The city we moved to is similar in that people here have grown up together and known each other forever. They are very friendly though. I connected deeply with another med spouse that had moved here the same year we did with kids the same age. We had similar life experiences so it made it easy to connect. Her DH quit though and now she's moving about 45 minutes away. So although we'll always be friends we won't be getting together twice a week anymore. Another couple that we're connecting more with lately has childern the same age and our DDs have been in the same class together for 3 years now. It's been a slow friendship to develop but mostly that's because of everyone's schedules. I really hope when everyone's kids are older and past the toddler/preschooler age we can all start to getting together more with friends. Right now someone is always having a meltdown. We joined a country club this year and have met a lot of people that way, but it's still all on a very aquaintance-type level. I expect it will take years for those friendships to marinade, but the kids are really enjoying hanging out with all their friends and I don't have to set up any structured playdates (yay!). I'm going back to work this fall and I really like all the teachers there. I looking forward to connecting with some of them after being at home for 4 years. I doubt if we'll get together much outside of work though just due to everyone's families and schedules. But still...adult conversation!!

I recently tried making another friend with a common interest (sewing) but it has turned out to be more work that I'm willing to put in at the point. So that fledgling friendship is dying, but frankly I'm relieved.

I think making friends as adults is much harder. It takes a lot longer (years) and people's busy lives make it very difficult to connect. Mostly we just have just enough time to catch up every now and then. Right now DH primarily plays the role of friend in my life. He's the only person that I see everyday. I wish we had time for more grownup playdates though.

DH hasn't really made any friends, but all his free time is spent at home with his family right now. Some days this bothers him, but mostly it's just where he is in life right now. He's not willing to give up time with his family to develop friendships. I have friends who's husbands leave on trips to hang out with there buddies, but I'm glad DH doesn't do that right now. Neither of us do. It would be too hard on the person left behind with all the little ones. Our rule is if you leave you take the kids with you.

I get most of my female support from my family, mom and sister, and I've really leaned on all the fabulous people here on this site. I know we can't get together for BBQs but it's helped me through some really tough times.

[SuzySunshine]

After I thought about this some more I realized a lot of my friends are also friends with kids my oldest daughter's age. I think that is just a normal progression when you have kids that can play together.

[L.Jane]

Its really difficult. While living in Texas I made a good friend accidently. We became friends through an acquaintance. We were both new to the area. Just like the others said, its those people that are new to the area just like you are the ones going to be looking for friendships.

J rarely makes friends, so last Saturday when one of the guys he worked with last month asked him if we wanted to go see a movie with him and is gf/wife I was floored and sadly disappointed we were out of town. I have a rule that if someone invites you out, you go. If you say no the first time, there usually isn't a second invitation. I guess the ball is in our court to invite him out now to show we weren't just blowing him off. Oh the complications of making friends.

[Chrisada]

I actually just made a good friend within the last month. We just moved to our new city for residency and I met her several months ago at a pre-school open house in the new area. We immediately clicked and exchanged e-mails. I e-mailed her as soon as we moved and we know have a play date every week. It is scary how much we are alike as in we had on the same shoes in the same color when we met, have the same polka dot umbrella from Target in our car. Freakish similarities like that have made it seem like we have known each other for years. I actually just really lucked out.

DH is a social butterfly and already wants to have a BBQ for the other residents. I'm not as outgoing though. I have another friend who will literally makes friends anywhere. She'll meet someone in a store in the mall and exchange numbers. She has a ton of friends.

[SuzySunshine]

There is also meeting people from here IRL. If you've said where you are I'm sorry I missed it but I have two friends here that moved here for residency after being members on here and we are now good friends.

[MrsK]

I made tons of new friends when we moved for residency. We met through temple, my moms' group, the medical alliance, the Bar, neighbors, professional contacts (like our insurance agent and realtor), and even one totally random couple that happened to be seated beside us in a resturant. Their baby was due a little before ours and we became fast friends. We have made very few friends through my DH's program but I really don't look to the workplace for socilazation. Some people do but I've just never been that type.

I think the key is the follow up. You cannot just shake hands with someone in church or casually talk to them only during group functions and expect a friendship to blossom. You have to take the next step. Call and invite them for coffee. If you've met several new people, have a group over for cocktails. Meet up for lunch or invite them to come with you to an event of mutual interest. Friend them on Facebook. Be interested in them and helpful when you can be. It's sort of like dating in a way. Making new friends is a mutual courtship and you have to put in a little time and effort. Friends of friends are a great resource too. When I have people over, I always encourage them to bring somebody. When I do my professional networking, I ask people to recommend contacts. "Who do you think I should know?" I have some friends that I've known for many years that were friends of friends. I don't even remember how I met some of my friends. It's social networking. You won't click with everybody but perhaps you'll have a couple close friends (for us, it's the random couple we met in the resturant) and many casual friends.

[diggitydot]

Sadly, 99.9% of our friends work or went to school with DH. The upside is that we socialize with everyone pretty frequently. The downside is that once training is over, everyone will spread out again like they did after med school.

My closest friends here are another med spouse and a couple of DH's co-workers. They're all sorts of awesomeness.

[diggitydot]

Oh, and to answer the original question -- when the residency held their little "welcome to the group" BBQ a month or so ago. We met all the noobs and their families. Some very cool new peeps that I really clicked with.

The key is to find other people who recently moved and are also looking for new local friends, consciously or not. I've met mine through medical student spouse gatherings, and the knitting group I started going to. Took at least 2 years to feel like they were really good friends. You're right that *most* people who've been in a city more than few years already pretty much have a social circle already set up.

I completely agree. I know, we have attempted to find others who recently moved and are looking for new friends, but for some reason, we can't seem to find these people! I can't think of the last time I met someone who recently moved here. Was the knitting group specifically for people new to the area or did it just have a large number of these types of folks?

[poky]

I completely agree. I know, we have attempted to find others who recently moved and are looking for new friends, but for some reason, we can't seem to find these people! I can't think of the last time I met someone who recently moved here. Was the knitting group specifically for people new to the area or did it just have a large number of these types of folks?

The knitting group was not specifically for new people, but other new people found it just like I did. I kept going because the people were nice, and a few of them made time to go every week, and others were in and out...after I'd been going about a year, a very outgoing woman who was relatively new to the area showed up, and started inviting people to other things, and now there's a loose core group that she basically created that usually meets up at knitting, but sometimes does other things at other times, too. I'm not that outgoing, but I'm happy to be her friend and reap the benefits of the group things she creates in addition to hanging out with just her.

[madeintaiwan]

I'm not a particularly outgoing person, in fact I'm quite quiet and shy. I am definitely not a big initiator. Most of my friends from HS were met through my older cousins or people knowing because of my cousins or basketball/football player boyfriends.

However, I have been able to make friends where ever we have moved. DH always has friends, constantly making new friends. Really enjoys the bunch of guys that he works with. He also has friends from the other departments. He's friends with some of the techs and nurses. He's close to quite a few of his attendings.

For both medical school and residency we have lived [and live] in places where people seem to live here forever and never leave. They have their circle of friends from HS and college. When we moved for medical, DH met a couple of guys on the first day of orientation. A week later we were invited over for dinner where I met their wives and we were friends from then on. I met ColorMeSulky from the MS1 welcome picnic and we have been close friends ever since. The friendships I made during medical school were like a sisterhood, family. I was very upset when we moved, but I have managed to stay in some kind of contact with all of the women. And ColorMeSulky and I remain very close.

This site is a great place for making connections and friendships. I have met up with Lamorna on my last two visits out to CA and plan to see her again when we make our way out there this winter. I had plans to meet up with Alison but our trip was cut short and made very tight. We didn't even get to see DH's cousin. That said, when moved for residency Shakti welcomed me. She had me over, helped me get to know the city, whatever I needed. She's truly awesome!! Our neighbors are great, they helped us unload our truck. We are very good friends with our next neighbors. The ortho spouses were very welcoming. A couple of them even called me to offer sitters when they found out that I was not coming to the Ortho graduation dinner.

So to answer your questions:

But I'm wondering when was the last time that you made a new friend? How about your medical spouse? Not just an acquaintance but a really good friend. How did you come to make this new friend (book club, through your kids' activities, etc.)?

I made two new friends last year when the interns came in. We're not super close but I'd say they are my friends, not just acquaintances. Together with one of the girls, we are throwing a bridal shower for the other girl at my house this weekend. They came to my youngest son's bday party. We check up on each other via phone calls or emails. I have began communicating via email with one of the new intern's wife who hasn't moved here yet. Who knows if it will develop into anything, but it's a start.

DH has become friends with one of the new interns. He happened to buy a house around the corner from us.

Do you have an interest in actively trying to make new friendships? Or are you content with the social circle you already have?

What exactly do you mean by social circle? Are you referring to your circle of friends or friends/people that you go and do things with?

I think I have an AWESOME circle of friends. "Real" friends, close friends, solid friends. Friends that you don't have to see or talk to all the time but have a deep connection with and you can pick up right where you left off no matter how much time has passed. I have friends who are local, friends back home, and friends who are in other states. There are no times in my life that I HAVE to weather struggles without emotional support or encouragement. If I end up doing so, it is only due to my choice of not sharing my struggles. In terms of social circles. We're boring, we don't do much. The three kids and lack of sitter funds kind of puts a damper on our ability to get out there and socialize. I don't really like to drink or go to clubs. Our socializing circle is pretty small. We have a handful of friends that we hang out with. Mostly eating, watching movies, and playing games. There is one couple that we hang out the most with. They like to stay in, don't have kids, and don't mind coming over to our house so that we can put our kids to bed and hang out. I'm fine with it.

I do not actively try to make new friends. As in, I am not out there seeking friendships. If I meet someone at a gathering or something, I am open to getting to know people. But like I said before, I'm pretty shy and don't usually initiate things.

Do you think it's harder to make new friends once you have kids?

We've had a child since undergrad. We were the first of our friends to have a child. DH's high school and college friends are just now starting to have kids. No, it has not been harder for us. DH would take J to his fraternity house and watch games and hang out there. No one seemed to care that we had a kid. Obviously, we didn't take him to parties or to bars. And most of our friends in medical school and residency have been through the school or program. The majority of our friends were not made through our kids. In fact, locally we only have one couple that we are friends with via our son. If we didn't have kids we would probably go out more and socialize more with the friends that do enjoy going out every weekend. But we're still friends. If they called and needed something, we'd be there. But, having kids has not prevented us or made it harder for us to have "enough" satisfying friendships in our lives.

I made tons of new friends when we moved for residency. We met through temple, my moms' group, the medical alliance, the Bar, neighbors, professional contacts (like our insurance agent and realtor), and even one totally random couple that happened to be seated beside us in a resturant. Their baby was due a little before ours and we became fast friends. We have made very few friends through my DH's program but I really don't look to the workplace for socilazation. Some people do but I've just never been that type.

I think the key is the follow up. You cannot just shake hands with someone in church or casually talk to them only during group functions and expect a friendship to blossom. You have to take the next step. Call and invite them for coffee. If you've met several new people, have a group over for cocktails. Meet up for lunch or invite them to come with you to an event of mutual interest. Friend them on Facebook. Be interested in them and helpful when you can be. It's sort of like dating in a way. Making new friends is a mutual courtship and you have to put in a little time and effort. Friends of friends are a great resource too. When I have people over, I always encourage them to bring somebody. When I do my professional networking, I ask people to recommend contacts. "Who do you think I should know?" I have some friends that I've known for many years that were friends of friends. I don't even remember how I met some of my friends. It's social networking. You won't click with everybody but perhaps you'll have a couple close friends (for us, it's the random couple we met in the resturant) and many casual friends.

Wow! You seem to have the art of making friendships down! The issue I always have is, when does initiating border on the line of being too aggressive? For instance, I have no problem asking people I have recently met out for lunch or coffee. I do it a lot. But it never ends up going anywhere for the most part for whatever reason--often, if I give them my number or email address I just never hear from them again. Also, I worry that my being the "initiator" right away like you're talking about (casually talking to someone at a function and then suggesting a coffee outing) comes off as being too aggressive. How do you handle that? There have been many times I've met someone at a function and really wanted to give them my email address or whatever, but haven't because I don't want to seem "too aggressive." Is it better to wait until you see them a few more times at the social group before suggesting an outing?

I feel really rusty at making new friends, to be quite honest. Not like in college where there were opportunities for meeting people everywhere, and where everyone had tons of time to get to know each other.