When was the last time you made a new friend?

The last time I made a really good friend was about a year ago. It was the same situation as many of the posters here have said... medical school wives also looking for new friends in a new place. It took me about a year before I really found myself clicking with someone, though. I made lots of friends (DH's school has quite a few married students), but just a few that I will probably keep in touch with forever.

Now we live in a new place again. We have been here a month and I am trying to make new friends. The best place I have found for making new friends is at church. There are some other new move-ins at church with young kids and I think (hope) we're going to become friends.

Making a new friend is like dating someone new. The whole do-they-want-me-to-invite-them-over?--should-i-call-or-wait-for-them-to-call?--I-had-fun-but-did-they-really-have-a-good-time?--etc etc that goes through your mind. It's complicated sometimes!

The last time I made a really good friend was about a year ago. It was the same situation as many of the posters here have said... medical school wives also looking for new friends in a new place.

I see where you're coming from, and I agree that this would be a great way to meet people, but this really isn't an option for me with DH's colleagues, as everyone is from the area. I can't think of a single person who joined the group since he's been there who hasn't been from the area.

[oceanchild]

I have lived here about a year, and I feel like it's taken most of that time to turn lots of acquaintances into a few solid friends. Some initiating, some waiting, some seeing people casually. I don't think there's a hard and fast rule.

My closest friends here are the wife of one of DH's coworkers, an old friend from high school who happened to move here out of the blue, and DH's cousins who grew up near here and moved back a few years ago. So mostly people I knew before, but even with those it was a matter of rekindling and growing friendships. DH's closest friends here are all his coworkers. Plus his cousins. I don't think he's met anybody else. *shrug*

I really like my coworkers, but they aren't friends in the "hey, wanna go out tonight" sort of way. Mostly because I'm younger than all of them by a minimum of 21 years! (Yes, all 5 of my immediate coworkers could be my mother.) In DC, though, the friends I made were all people I worked with.

I do try to put myself out there, without assuming it will result in new friendships. I recently joined the choir at church. I've been doing aerobics classes at my gym. And I'm starting grad school part-time in the fall. So maybe over time I'll build new friendships from those places. Or maybe not - which is why it's important to do things because I like them. That way I'm enjoying myself even if it's just with acquaintances and not close friends.

[MrsK]

Wow! You seem to have the art of making friendships down! The issue I always have is, when does initiating border on the line of being too aggressive? For instance, I have no problem asking people I have recently met out for lunch or coffee. I do it a lot. But it never ends up going anywhere for the most part for whatever reason--often, if I give them my number or email address I just never hear from them again. Also, I worry that my being the "initiator" right away like you're talking about (casually talking to someone at a function and then suggesting a coffee outing) comes off as being too aggressive. How do you handle that? There have been many times I've met someone at a function and really wanted to give them my email address or whatever, but haven't because I don't want to seem "too aggressive." Is it better to wait until you see them a few more times at the social group before suggesting an outing?

I feel really rusty at making new friends, to be quite honest. Not like in college where there were opportunities for meeting people everywhere, and where everyone had tons of time to get to know each other.

It's hard initiating a friendship. It's just like the boys that are shy about asking girls out. If they don't ask, the girl won't know they are interested but they don't want to be that stalker guy who doesn't get the hint either. If inviting someone for a one-on-one coffee is too awkward, have a little party and invite them together with a few other people. Just like dating, sometimes you just won't click. You'll have coffee and never see this person again. Worst case scenario, you had a plesant chat and a decent cup of coffee. As for the phone number/e-mail exchange -- carry business cards. If you don't work, have a set of personal cards made. I have my work cards (actually, come to think of it I don't have work cards now) and I have my "home" cards which have my and DrK's personal contact information. It makes the exchange of information a lot less awkward. Just end the discussion saying "I'd love to chat more with you sometime. Do you mind if I call you? Here's how to contact me." But don't wait for them to call you. Call. Invite them over. If you don't click, then drop it and move on.

It's hard initiating a friendship. It's just like the boys that are shy about asking girls out. If they don't ask, the girl won't know they are interested but they don't want to be that stalker guy who doesn't get the hint either. If inviting someone for a one-on-one coffee is too awkward, have a little party and invite them together with a few other people. Just like dating, sometimes you just won't click. You'll have coffee and never see this person again. Worst case scenario, you had a plesant chat and a decent cup of coffee. As for the phone number/e-mail exchange -- carry business cards. If you don't work, have a set of personal cards made. I have my work cards (actually, come to think of it I don't have work cards now) and I have my "home" cards which have my and DrK's personal contact information. It makes the exchange of information a lot less awkward. Just end the discussion saying "I'd love to chat more with you sometime. Do you mind if I call you? Here's how to contact me." But don't wait for them to call you. Call. Invite them over. If you don't click, then drop it and move on.

This is so helpful! I love it! Love the idea of the personal cards. I'm a full-time student, so don't have "business cards" but I've seen people who have personal cards and love the idea! I'm going to order some ASAP. I know Kinko's has this sort of thing but if anyone has a better place for biz cards would love to hear about it. I really like the last sentence you wrote about how to end the exchange. That's great.

Let's say that I go out on a coffee outing with someone, and it seems that we really click (which I feel happens most of the time). Then, do you ask them out again, or do you wait for them to take the initiative next time? The problem I often run into seems to be that if I wait for them to ask me out the next time (which I usually do so as to not seem too "eager," then I never hear from them again.) How do you handle this sort of thing?

[MrsK]

Well, if a topic of mutual interest comes up, like an event you both want to attend, then you can make plans before you leave. Or, after you've met you can make a call or send an e-mail to say that you enjoyed chatting with them and would like to meet up again. Or you can add them to your guest list next time you have people over. Or you can follow up in a few weeks to say hello if you haven't heard from them and ask what's going on in their lives. Don't do all of these things because, yes, that would be stalkerish. But one or two reasonably timed apart offers is sufficient. People are busy and some don't think about reaching out to new people. Then, of course, they may be some people who just don't want to be friends and that's okay too. If they don't take you up on on your offer or if they never reciprocate or suggest alternative plans, they are probably not interested.

Well, if a topic of mutual interest comes up, like an event you both want to attend, then you can make plans before you leave. Or, after you've met you can make a call or send an e-mail to say that you enjoyed chatting with them and would like to meet up again. Or you can add them to your guest list next time you have people over. Or you can follow up in a few weeks to say hello if you haven't heard from them and ask what's going on in their lives. Don't do all of these things because, yes, that would be stalkerish. But one or two reasonably timed apart offers is sufficient. People are busy and some don't think about reaching out to new people. Then, of course, they may be some people who just don't want to be friends and that's okay too. If they don't take you up on on your offer or if they never reciprocate or suggest alternative plans, they are probably not interested.

This is super helpful. Because I feel so "rusty" it's great to have some guidance about this, until it feels natural again like it used to.

Well I'm new to my NS's long medical career. Most of his "friends" are people he went to medical school or undergrad, or through the residency circle (where everyone in each hospital you go to, knows who all the residents are they interact with and kinda keep tabs on each other's progress), and some of the guys he works with. Me, I'm still new to the area, and don't really have any close friends. I had one friend, a male friend before me and my NS got together, and that friendship is now mostly just texts and fb messages every now and again. It's hard for me to make friends because I really have such limited time. This is probably my fault. But honestly: My day starts when he gets up, and I hand him his breakfast and lunch, and make sure his bag is packed for the day, and see him off. Then I go workout(train), then walk the dog, etc: go to work. Finish work, come home, walk the dog, make dinner, clean up the house. By this time, it's later in the evening. If he comes home at a decent hour 7 or 8 pm, we then eat and light chatting, and depending on how tired or stressed out he is, we watch a little tv and go to bed. Rinse and Repeat, Rinse and Repeat. So my flaw in this: I don't want to miss any time his is able to come home and be there for him. I love greeting him at the door, and though he is not as excited as I am, I'm sure it's nice to see a friendly face after a long and stressful day. I know people say you need to have your own life during this period: but I do have my activities and things I enjoy doing at the house with painting and such. I just don't know if I am willing to miss any time, for a fledging friendship: which I'll be moving in less than a year. Silly? I don't know. I just feel he needs support, and though he may not always seem to be appreciative of every lunch or back rubs, I know they make his life easier. And that makes me happy to help in some small way.

Plus, young single people I meet, they usually want to go to the bars. Not that I'm against that, but it's not really my thing per say. I do have time to hang out but usually it's last minute. Like, I find he is going to be gone all day or something, then I can plan something. Or if that person has similar interests and understand how hectic my schedule can be from day to day. I would really a good friend to confide in, but for now it seems that my family is the only connection I have.

This weekend my NS has a very good college friend coming into town, but when I ask about plans we could make with her (because he is not on call this weekend), he seems disinterested. Earlier in the week he told me about it so I would have an idea that we would try together with her, but I think the week has worn on him. Because now when I ask him, I even offer to make dinner at the house so he doesn't have to go anywhere, he's not really interested anymore. He even offered to go hiking(which is something I love to do: and he does for me ), and not even try to meet up with his friend. I was really looking forward to meeting her and maybe making a connection with one of his friends, but it seems he's not really interested in trying to coordinate any of that right now. He's very last minute, if you know what I mean. I'm more of a planner. So, I try not to push, because I know he has his reason in his mind why he would or wouldn't want to get together this weekend: sometimes you just don't want to put on that "face" you do when you meet up with old friends you keep in contact with, because it's exhausting catching up and explaining everything. And when you have only 1 day (I was say 2, but Sundays are dedicated all day studying for Academics), you tend to want to mostly sleep and sleep, or do something you really want to. I dont think he wants to go hiking at all on his only day, but i think he is trying to "get out of the house" and do something for me. So I can understand, and thus have to continue trying to find my own friends.

There is another resident who has a GF (another non-wife) and I have thought about trying to talk to her and see if we have anything in common. There may be hope for me yet.

Seriously, making new friends is WAY worse than dating. Since we just moved a little over a month ago , don't have kids, and I am currently not working I just will talk to about anyone I meet. Even my landlord, that has been a complete PITA, our neighbors, the people at the dog park, church, WW meetings. DH is not so good at making new friends so he is never surprised when I tell him about the new friends and potential BFFs that I meet through out the day. So if any of you live on the east coast and need a new friend I would love to get together or exchange numbers

[GrayMatterWife]

I have made two people who I would consider real, honest-to-goodness, they-could-see-you-at-your-worst, you-could-ditch-plans-with-them-if-your-husband-got-a-night-free-at-the-last-minute-and-they-wouldn't-be-pissed type of friends since moving here five years ago. Both are at work. I have made lots of friendly acquaintances/casual friends. Real friends are very hard to make as adults. My closest friend (aside from DH!) is still my college roommate.

[DCJenn]

I lucked into the greatest neighborhood in the universe.

I had absolutely nothing to do with it, except for a refusal to live in the 'burbs.

Jenn

This thread is awesome! MrsK, you should write a book: "How to Survive Residency Social Life."

I've pretty much given up in this location. We made good friends with another couple during the first year of fellowship, but they went through some extremely tough times. We tried to offer support, but they cloistered themselves in with their extended family, who lives here. Sad, but understandable.

Before we had kids, it was really hard to make friends, because most women my age were moms, and we couldn't relate to each other. Now that I have kids, taking them anywhere seems overwhelming! It would be all nursing & changing diapers. Hopefully that will be mostly over by the time we move in a year.

When my parents moved to the town where they live now, my mom said it took her five years to make really good friends - you know, the kind you keep for a lifetime. We've never lived in one place that long. I'm shy, and I'm not much for hosting parties, so that complicates things. When I was a kid, I used to get my very extroverted little sister to ask people things for me! She'd probably love to host some parties for me at our place when we move back home. I hate hosting parties.

Where do you go to try to meet friends? I've looked online to find mom's groups, but I haven't had much luck. We plan to attend church when we move, so that may be one venue for meeting people. The whole church thing can also pose a problem, though, since I don't want people to stereotype me that way so that I miss out on other friendships.

[NYCHoosier]

When was the last time you made a new friend?

Hmm...my lasting friends from college came from sorority, and all but one are one or two years my junior. The one who's not younger is the reason I joined. That was about navigating a giant campus (nyu) to find people I liked. One more lasting friend from college was a frat guy from my year. If my life was a novel, he would be my character foil.

I stayed in NY after college but still made additional lasting friendships...three co-workers and a boss from the law firm...a fellow med school wife (shout out to Oriongrad!), and a few from church. Some sought be out, like the coworker I'm closest with, and I feel like I "willed" OG and me into being friends, haha. (Started with a daytrip to the outlet mall...we missed our exit, I found out my brother had gotten mugged...after that, we had a really good day, and it grew from there).

Just moved to Ohio 2 months ago. DH's cousin lives here with her FM resident boyfriend. I didn't know her well before (DH has a lot of cousins, and I've interacted more with the other side of his family), but we've hit it off. The girls in her bf's program also seem pretty cool.

I've met a number of other med wives, and, while all very sweet, many are mothers. I don't feel like I have anything in common with them.
I'm looking into the junior league. A woman I've met who is a good potential friend (she performed my preliminary interview for the job I now have) is involved. Seems like a sorority for grown-ups...good way to meet people and do some good in the community as well. I've considered looking into the DAR, but I think my 18th century ancestors were probably loyalists, haha.

So, yeah. That's the friend report so far!

Also, I don't think going to church will pigeonhole you friend-wise. I had many friends of other or no faith in NY, as did my other church friends.

Just like dating, you will meet a lot of people who aren't a good fit, who you like but aren't going o be bff's with. That's okay. Do the stuff you like, take a chance now and then, and go from there.

I'm looking into the junior league. A woman I've met who is a good potential friend (she performed my preliminary interview for the job I now have) is involved. Seems like a sorority for grown-ups...good way to meet people and do some good in the community as well.

Junior League has been the source of my best new friends since we moved here for med school. It is a bit of a sorority, which may turn some people off, but in my city it is mostly late 20-30 something women who just want to meet new people and get involved in the community. Pearls and stockings are no longer required. Plus, it makes the initial awkward friendship stage super easy. Everyone is working on some common project, so it is easy to initiate interaction. Then, in our chapter we have a social for ~30 min before every meeting, which is 1-2 times/month, so if you meet someone and connect, you know you'll see each other again soon. After several encounters it becomes natural to evolve that kind of acquaintance-ship into brunch dates or girls' night out or the like.

[PrincessFiona]

We have settled on having parties at our house where we invite a few couples for fun German drinks and a movie or something like that. We try to do it fairly regularly. At first, it felt awkward and I didn't really know how much I had in common with the people. I just knew them sort of peripherally and decided to invite them. Now I do feel that I am friends with some of them. It takes time....

kris