changing his career choice

[medpedspouse]

Unrelatedly, you know what these themed threads always make me think? I am such a bad wife and person. I mean, I miss him when he's not here, but it doesn't kill me. Maybe it's from having extremely low expectations--I thought NSG was going to be SO bad (I thought I would go days on end of never seeing him--the most I've gone is 3, and that was partially my fault, too!)...that it necessarily had to have turned out better than expected. But all these people who want their spouses around more...that seems healthy and normal. What's wrong with me?? ahahahahahaha!--sort of...

There is nothing wrong with you. That is why I think that it has to be a joint discussion. If you are the type of person who wants or needs to have your SO around the majority of the time...then some specialties may not work for you as a couple. There are soooo many variables - really. I made sure my career did not suffer for DH's dream - I did my own thing the majority of the time. Worked so well that we had a huuuuge adjustment when he finished training. All of the sudden he had time at home and I was not at home...still doing my thing. Funny thing is, he wanted me around and I had grown accustomed to him not being around. Still, I have to admit, I am always fearful (don't know if that is the right word) of the medicine schedule. I still don't count on him ever being anywhere and if he is much less on time - even though he has been around and on time. I guess medicine training beat that expectation out of me.

Basically, my passionately surgical husband advises medical students to choose something OTHER than surgery unless s/he absolutely can not be happy doing anything else at all. He tells them in detail about what all he/I/his family have given up. He even goes so far to advise them to look at some of the surgical subspecialties if the student has to have some sort of procedure based profession. He tells them that he absolutely loves what he does but it comes at a steep price.

I hear the same thing from my SO. He advise me on it as well (because my passion is for surgery). But it's true. There is a lot of sacrifice. My SO is a NS PGY7, and it's been a rough road. Surgery is not a kind or polite field as my SO tells me. You need to be realistic on what you will have to give up in order to "survive." I agree to some extent that his decision is something you both should be talking about. But it is his decision. Medicine to me, is a career, it's a passion, and way of life. I battle this all the time, because what I want, doesn't line up always with the reality of the situation. I have learned a lot just from the ladies on here, about learning to deal with the realities of my SO's life. I think it takes both of you to be understanding on how his choice and your choices, will effect your current life, plans, children, pets, and so forth.

You both need to be happy IMO. Keeping communication and being realistic with the things you NEED and want in your life together, will help keep things in perspective. I'm still working thru this learning curve myself . I think keeping your communication open and honest will always benefit your relationship, especially situations like this.

I agree that the two of you need to work it out in a way that fits YOUR relationship, because everyone has different things that feel tolerable.

When DH was going through his clinical rotations (and even in residency), there was such a huge difference in his attitude when he was on rotations he enjoyed. I decided that it was most important to me that he would be happy in his choice, because he brings that attitude home, and it affected our marriage. His contentment with his career will affect our marriage until the day he retires, and it's hard for him to be full of joy & energy when he's upset about work.

DH *LOVES* surgery, and he chose Ob/Gyn because it is usually a happy time for people. But then he chose a non-surgical Ob/Gyn subspecialty, because he wanted better hours. He hopes to work things out with the Ob/Gyns in his future group so that he can still do some surgeries - they know how much he loves surgery. Sometimes there are good ways to compromise.

When it comes to his hobbies - he has a bajillion of them - we do fight. If he wants to have four dogs, two horses, and a huge garden, that's great. But I really can't take care of them all. He needs to feed them, take them to the vet, train them, put up the tomatoes, etc. And for the most part, he does manage his own hobbies. As for the kids, he's a fantastic dad, and he makes the most of the limited time he has with them. That makes it easier to let him go when he has long hours. We also didn't have kids until he was mostly through residency (although we would have loved to have had them earlier).

I know that for some spouses, their own career is a factor. It's not such an issue for me because I wanted to stay home with my kids more than I wanted to do anything else. Sure, I'd love to get a PhD and have a padded resume full of my publications. But that's a "someday," secondary wish, and I didn't mind setting it aside for a number of years. To keep me happy for now, we spend a good chunk of money on hobbies that I love.

Our choices wouldn't work for everyone. But as long as you can talk about it without animosity, and with both people's happiness in mind, you'll be able to come up with solutions that work!

[Chrisada]

DH really wanted to go to into general surgery and then specialize. "These hands are made for surgery as he said." But we had a talk. I reminded him that he did not go to med. school straight out of undergrad, so he's a little older (29 now as a PGY-1). I also know from experience when DH was on gen. surgery that it was hell and we have two little ones. A surgeon also flat out told him not to go into surgery unless he saw absolutely no other way to be happy. Had we started med. school earlier and had no kids, DH would probably be in surgery right now. Instead, he chose OB/GYN because he still gets to do a lot of surgery, which he loves. He also loves that his patients are usually quite happy to see him. I like that he will be an attending sooner and the training is not as crazy (at least where we are) as surgery is. No way is OB/GYN a walk in the park, they can have horrible hours, and lets not even talk about malpractice, but it does suit our family well right now. I recently asked him if he regrets not going into surgery, and he said he is happy where he is. Also like some others spouses here, I want to be a SAHM, so we don't have that extra dynamic of me pursuing my own career. Trust me, I tried to get DH on the ROAD, and he was not having it!

[MarissaNicole]

My two cents and keep in mind I only had time to skim the other answers.

1) I think many people in surgical specialties go into it because they would simply be MISERABLE doing anything else - hence why NYC, Greyhounds and I would all say we accepted our spouses going into surgery. DH was only interested in three specialties: NSG, Ortho surgery, and cardio thoracic surgery... so after we did a lot of talking to eachother, praying and talking to others we decided to apply to NSG... because honestly I don't think he'd be happy if he wasn't in a surgical specialty so might as well let him go for what he wants to.

2) But I totally agree with others that it needs to be a JOINT decision. Because who cares if your DH is happy because he is doing what he wants but you are miserable. And what good is it if you are happy but your DH isn't... or if you DH is so miserable he decides to change specialities!

3) Its a BIG decision because in medicine its not like you can EASILY change specialties like you can in other careers. Ultimately you need a decision that both you and your spouse will be able to handle. If you don't make the decision together it may lead to resentment down the road.

[DCJenn]

I've been fed a line of crap for so long now that I forget what life was like 'before.' Pediatrics- that was great- I was all for that. Child Neurology- ok, whatever dude. Neurophysiology- really? does it stop? I figure dental school is next at this rate.

I think my husband has fallen hook, line and sinker for the fallacy that somewhere there is a 'perfect' job and if he only does ______ (insert painfully long and stupid extraneous training here) then the job will be that much better. The man has NEVER held the same job in the same place for more than three years, except for medical school because that was four years.

My point- it's all well and good for them to be happy at work- but DO NOT do what I have done which is essentially enable the Quest for Perfection. I LOVE what I do, too. It's the most perfect most fun job ever with the best boss, a great location and not too bad pay. and guess who is going to have to give up HER dream job for his, once the Army figures out what happen next.

It's a damn good thing he's cute in that uniform because otherwise his happy ass would be on a plane and mine would be planted right here next to the pool.

Jenn

[houseelf]

La Hussey: You kill me.

I think that my husband has came to the same conclusion. After a bajillion years of training to be the most blahty, blah, blah surgeon, he would still give it all up to sail around the world in this luxury cruise ship: http://www.aboardtheworld.com/ Seriously, he asked our financial planner what this would take. He laughed and I deduced that apparently medicine isn't the way to make that kind of money.

I think he realizes how the single minded passionate pursuit of something really sucks up all the time for everything else from watching hockey to sex to being there for the kids to knowing the neighbors. It really can narrow an individual to be "the best". I wonder if this is what happens to people at the top of the game in every field.

[Pollyanna]

I've encouraged dh to simply win the powerball. Apparently the lottery is a waste of money so we're just gonna stick with this medicine thing, until he goes to law school, and then for an MBA (which is what I tell people he's doing when they ask, "when will your husband be done with training?")

[Thirteen]

Tara,
If I hear about law school one more time.... *grrr*
I told him he could go, if he pays off all his medical loan debt first and can somehow be gainfully employed while going. More than a curiosity, his ambition seems more fueled about being able to support us comfortably. (His neurosis, not mine). I remind him daily that no matter what, we will live better than 90% of our friends and that his job is stable. DH has selective hearing...

the lottery is a waste of money

DH has yet to discover this. He's still counting on his winning ticket.

It's either that or a second fellowship in Genetics!

Thanks everyone for posting! I love the fact that over 400 people have read this thread.
So we had a small chat... This is how it started, first I dove onto the bed while he was laying down, he freaked out because I dove onto his arm and I could of "seriously" hurt it, and caused him his livelong dream of being a surgeon.
After I calmly explained to him that I am not a fat whale we continued our conversation.
It just really sucks sometimes! I want him to be happy and I also want to be happy. The balancing everything out seems to be the challenging part.
And what stinks even more is that 4 year electives to do out rotations are coming up, which may affect where we get in for residency, which means we need to decide sooner rather than later on a specialty.

Thanks for all of the info, I am going to read it all over again. It is just really nice to hear from everyone that is in a similar situation.

[GrayMatterWife]

Tara,
If I hear about law school one more time.... *grrr*

DO NOT GO TO LAW SCHOOL. Doctors make the WORST LAW SCHOOL STUDENTS. Awful. If you want to do both, go to law school FIRST.

They are never at the top of the class and they are always bitter and pissed about it...because, after all, they were smart enough to go to law school and none of these other doofuses were (which is why they chose their inferior "backup" plan of law school)...so OF COURSE they should be #1 in the class.

The worst doctor to go to law school is a cardio-thorasic surgeon. There was one at my school when I was attending. What an obnoxious blowhard.

And he didn't make law review. hahahaha.

[Chrisada]

DH has yet to discover this. He's still counting on his winning ticket.

As is mine. He plays the Powerball when it's around several hundred million, because " it's not worth it if it's less." Then he insists that I tell him how I would spend the money. And he is always so surprised when he doesn't have the winning numbers.

My husband already changed his career from engineering to medicine (hence why he's in med school at 30), and I was fully supportive of that decision- but now I don't feel bad at all saying that surgery is out for us due to the time commitment- and he agrees. Now, I agree if it were the one thing in the world that would make him happy, we might talk more about, but he feels there are lots of other options. I think quality of life for BOTH of you should be a huge factor in the decision.

At any rate, if he really really wants to do surgery, than I would support that- you don't want him to feel resentful. On the other hand, if he just kind of likes surgery but he kind of likes some other areas, you might speak up now about your preference. Just my opinion!