Grateful for any thoughts, information, encouragement, etc.

Dear IMSN folks,

My husband of 6 years graduated from medical school in May 2010. About 2 months prior to his graduation, he and I had the worst fight of our marriage. As soon as we got into counseling, he revealed that he had been miserable for 3 years and he demanded a divorce. Upon graduation, my husband moved several states away to begin his residency at an Army base. Our pastor mediated an informal separation for us; the informal separation concluded 2 weeks ago when my husband called me to reiterate his intention to divorce me.

I'm heartbroken and confused. I know I wounded my husband as deeply as he wounded me, especially during med school when we were both trying to handle the stress of his studies and rotations. I know I kept hurting him during our separation, even as I reiterated my commitment to my own personal healing, to him and his healing, and to our marriage, and I'm ashamed that I couldn't express love and commitment to him in a way that he understood. I truly believed -- and, in many ways, continue to believe -- that our vows were a holy, healing covenant.

I'm wondering how often it happens that a medical spouse demands a divorce just as s/he is graduating from medical school -- and then essentially uses residency as an opportunity to escape and disconnect from the marriage.

Any thoughts/reflections or suggestions re: good legal counsel?

Thanks so much.

[Meenah]

I'm so sorry. The medical life is not easy, no matter if you are in the beginning years of school or in Attendinghood. I hope you can get him to do more counseling once the dust has settled.

[ladymoreta]

I'm so sorry. That is heartbreaking. I wish I had some advice for you, but all I can think of is making it very clear to him that you don't want to divorce and want to continue therapy. I hope he will agree.

[scrub-jay]

I'm sorry you are facing this. I commend your strength and resilience.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
On legal counsel, do you know people you can ask? Maybe they know a friend of a friend who has been through a divorce and can offer a suggestion? If not, you can always look through the yellow pages. Call an office to find out the cost of the first meeting and what you should bring, like financial info.
I hope you are able to gather lots of supportive people around you.

[cylverdust]

I just wanted to send hugs and prayers your way.

[HouseofWool]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I left my ex when he started residency because he was treating me so poorly. The transition can be exceedingly difficult and medicine does not make anything easy. I hope that you find the strength to come through this difficult time, whatever the outcome may be. As the resident soon-to-be divorcee on this board, I can assure you that it is a fantastic place to hang out.

[JC76]

So sorry to hear you're going through this. Unfortunately I don't have any constructive words of advice except to share with you that this is a fairly common experience. My husband and I saw several marriages/engagements/long term relationships end late in medical school and throughout residency. It's a harsh road that can put stresses on even the most stable of relationships. My husband and I were together for 4 years before he even started medical school and the process has stretched us to our limits. Both of us have not had our best moments, because we're human, and because we have both had unmet needs and bitterness from time to time.

Are the two of you still living several states away? It's hard for me to imagine patching up a marriage if we weren't even living near each other. If you are truly committed doing whatever you need to do to save the marriage - are you willing to move to where he is?

At the same time... not to be discouraging, but just being realistic... med school is rough, but residency is even rougher. If the two of you are not able to find common ground now, I don't know if your marriage can sustain the residency process. Divorce is a tragic thing, but sometimes two people just can't make it work. If he's not willing to do his part, it may be time to move on. I realize much easier said than done.

[diggitydot]

I wish I had something profound to add. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[L.Jane]

That sounds like such a tough situation. Welcome to the site. This is a great group of people that will listen to and commiserate with your tough times and smile and laugh with you during your good times. I am sorry I don't have any advice to give. I just hope you can find peace with whatever the long road brings.

[houseelf]

Sending you a big welcome and hugs

[SoonerTexan]

Have you thought about professional counseling? There are counselors out there who do phone counseling, so distance isn't necessarily an issue. Obviously I don't have specifics due to confidentiality rules, but my mom is a therapist and has seen marriages come back strong from much worse situations, so there is hope!

I cant add much else, except that distance probably isn't going to help. Granted it was high school, but the long-distance part of relationship was always the hardest, since it is a lot easier to be mad at someone when you aren't with them everyday. It's a lot easier to let your emotions and imagination get the best of you, too.

[MDPhDWife]

Gosh what a tough situation you're facing. I'm so sorry, I hope you're able to continue to work on your marriage.

[moonlight]

We had a couple at our school that this happened to. They seemed like a happy couple to the outside world, but he demanded a divorce right before his med school graduation. I didn't know her really well, so I feel like I don't know all the back story. I heard through FB that she is dating women now. Maybe that was a issue? Sorry you are going through this. I hope you can stick around and let this be a place where you can vent and share.

My heart goes out to you during such a hard time. The medical profession is not easy on a marriage or any relationship for that matter. I hope this website can help you a bit.