Nervous New Member

[scrub-jay]

awesome! thank you AGAIN, everyone!! this has been so helpful! I do have a couple "newbie" questions: what does DH stand for? obviously i know it means your significant other, but what do the letters represent? and also, how does one get to participate in a private forum? i'd like to post in the military one now that its been brought to my attention.

Welcome!! There is no "right time" for marriage in medicine, but there is a "right time" for you as a couple...(repeat this for having kids)...as for the DH, often it's "Dear/Darling Husband" although sometimes "Damn" fits too!

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! DH stands for "dear husband".

My DH went to the same school as SoonerTexan and L.Jane's, and I agree it's an amazing deal for the school rank, tuition, cost of living, and job market there.

I agree that regardless of whether he does military or whatever, don't try to wait until everything is perfect - it never will be. There's no *right* time, but some times are better than others. Good luck, and post often! We're looking forward to getting to know you!

[v-girl]

Has he considered MSTP (medical scientist training program)? My hubby did it at the same awesome Texas school that ST's hubby attends. It took 9 years, but med school was paid for and he was given a small stipend (not enough to live on unless you live on bread and water, but it was helpful). His program was 2 years of med school (research during the summers), 4-5 years for PhD, then 2 more years of med school.

[Meenah]

Welcome, you will get lots of advice here. Glad you found us.

[MarissaNicole]

and nice to meet you!

[Cinderella]

[lovelight]

Welcome! DH and I were also dating when he applie to med schools. He applied all over the country and interviewed independent of me (though we did turn some interviews into fun vacations). Of course I wanted him to stay in state, but that, just like your situation, wasn't for me to decide. He ended up staying on state (thankfully because I would be literally crying right now if we had out of state debt). I gave him the option of me moving to school (i had just graduated and had no job yet) with him but he said he wanted to settle in in his own. I got a job and after his first year he wanted me to move. I told him there was absolutely no way I'd be quiting a perfectly good job and moving without a bigger commiment from him (and this was after about 5 years of dating). The next year he proposed and after the school year ended I moved. Long distance sucked, but in the end I'm glad I let him find his own way without me and also stayed true to myself.

I guess My best advice: Don't stress. In the end, it will be if it was meant to be.

[SoonerTexan]

One last thing and I'll shut up. Even though we totally overanalyzed the whole med school application process, I cant really say I would have done it any differently. It's just the way things go. You have to do something to keep yourself from going insane, especially in the sort of situation you are in. So even though you will get a lot of advice to just "let things go" a little bit, don't beat yourself up if you have a hard time doing it. Does anybody truly allow themselves to relax in that sort of situation when so many things are uncertain?

[MrsPotts]

Welcome!! There is no "right time" for marriage in medicine, but there is a "right time" for you as a couple...(repeat this for having kids)...as for the DH, often it's "Dear/Darling Husband" although sometimes "Damn" fits too!

This exactly! Never a right time! And I think you both need to sit down and talk about this together and try to see if you are on the same page as a couple when it comes to the future and his medical path.

[DCJenn]

Let me post from my postion as one of the old battleaxes around here.

First- DO NOTHING unless there is a financial incentive to do so. Like for example: move, change jobs, etc. Sure, it's all romantic to talk about where he's going to go but that and a quarter gets you nothing. Unless you are financially compelled to do so- as in you're married and there's an actual reason for you to accompany him, do nothing. Sure, lots of people pack up their world and head off with the boyfriend/girlfriend and sometimes it works out. But, I'm a big believer in cold hard light of day reality.

Second- He does NOT want to enlist. Well, he may think he does but that's not at all what he really wants to do. What he wants to do if he wants to use the military route is to either apply to USUHS (my husband went there as well) OR look up the HPSP program and see if that interests him. HPSP is a stipend program which requires less payback time tothe military but also doesn't pay as much while they're in medical school. USUHS students earn a full salary as their rank indicates and have no debt but do owe more time. Tell him not to go to the local recruiting office to discuss this because the recruiters are trying to get people to drive tanks and load bombs on airplanes, not find a professional career. Go to the military pages and get the information.

He also needs to accept right now that the medical school process and resultant application process is just the first in a long line of things that only give the illusion of control. He "may" get in where ever he applies- he may not. From the moment the decision to go to medical school has been made, the next 10+ years are basically a crap shoot.

and on that happy note- welcome aboard!

Jenn

[corn poffi]

Jenn gives great advice. I'm one of the crazy people who followed my SO, but not until he was a resident and NOT one second before I found a better-paying, more interesting job in his residency city. We would have done the long-distance thing for as long as we needed to.

You need to remember that you are still your own person and not let the medical world dictate who YOU are.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I only agreed to "follow him" when he put a ring on it.

That being said, there were some people on this very website who told me that if I loved him and knew he was the one, that subjecting myself to long distance with a med student wasn't worth it (I have my very first thread on this website to prove it...different screen name though). So, to each their own!

Either way, welcome! If you can't tell, we're an opinionated bunch!

[cylverdust]

It is a rough path. I can't say I would have done it without being married. The only thing that makes it worth it for YOU as his spouse if the fact that he loves you and you love him. When is the right time to start a family is entirely a personal decision. Lots of people told us that we did not do it at the right time, others said yes perfect time. So in the end the choice is what is best for you guys.
This forum though is a life saver. The people on here have great understanding and insight. They don't blow smoke EVER but in the case of of the lifestyle that is the best thing. I love coming here and reading and posting. They have saved my sanity more than once.

Welcome!

[reciprocity]

welcome! I can just echo what everyone else here said, and add my personal story.

met my wife my last year of law school and her third year of college in Chicago, a year and a half into our relationship she "had to choose" between an MD/PhD program ~6 hour drive away or the MD program in Chicago. She ended up going to the program directors at the Chicago school and saying "I got an offer for this MD/PhD program, but I really want to stay here, what can you do?" and they offered her a spot in the MD/PhD program, so we're now stuck in Chicago forever (I kid, I kid)

It was a really stressful time for both of us. I was contemplating moving with her, but was having a lot of difficulty getting my foot in the door in a "mid-market" legal town, and I was going to have to take the bar exam over again because I'd only been practicing for a year. When she set up the coffee date to tell me "some news" I was 80% sure she was about to break up with me, so when she told me about staying in Chicago it made my heart race (literally - a triple-shot cappuccino and hypertrophic cardiomyopathy and the best news ever are a dangerous combination)

We got married the summer between M1 and M2, but we weren't able to take a honeymoon or anything like that.

i want to thank everyone for helping me out with their advice. i cant tell you how nice it is to get someone else's opinion on all this. i felt so lost at the beginning (still do, a little!) but its nice to know that you are all out there, going through or have gone through what i'm doing. thank you thank you thank you!