I don't know what to do!

[AmeliePoulain]

MissCrabette those are great ideas, he is probably too stressed about he has to be there for the round, to even think about how to even get away to the bathroom. The prob in the morning is he feels miserable and is dreading going but yes that is also a great idea. I will talk to him, I need to get more informed how things work also.

[v-girl]

I'm sweeter than I sound (I bake cookies for DH when he's down), but I did tell my Mommie I was going to marry a doctor and I had to make it happen. Kind of kidding. Not really. LOL

DH still goes in early and checks on patients from home so he can stay on top of things. Habits he picked up in residency.

[peggyfromwastate]

He needs to be there at least one hour before rounds to get his stuff together. Sometimes my dh goes in at 4 to Orr round-- and he's a chief. There is always someone higher up who will dump on your dh and make him do "extra work". He's nit the only one to go through this.

I wouldn't feel sorry for my dh (and I don't) because this is his dream. If he really imagined it to be rainbow and sunshine all the time, then... Too bad. Nothing is rainbows and sunshine all the time. If he said he wants to quit, give up, etc (which he has of course--- all residents have felt this way) I just would say (and have) that you don't have that option. Luckily my dh is in the military too so he really doesn't have that option lol. If he "quit" he'd just be deployed on a tour somewhere.

Anyway, have your dh practice the following line to get him through the dark days of residency:

"thank you sir, may I please have another?"

Sorry! It really does suck.

Another tip- he will gave a rep for being lazy if he is not there to round before whomever he is rounding with. So if he's an intern, and he first rounds with pgy2 then they round with pgy3, he needs to be there always before pgy2. He needs to "preround" what he can (get vitals together, etc) so that when pgy2 gets there they can jump right in.

[GrayMatterWife]

Today he is working 6am-9pm or later.

That's awesome that he got to come home before you were in bed. Can you get up earlier, so you can have a conversation or say goodbye. I never got that industrious because my DH left at 4:45 every day.

He just texted saying "I swear to God I can't tolerate this anymore" when I texted asking how it's going.

Tolerate what? The hours? Bad boss? Long hours?

He won't eat breakfast or drink water because he says he has no time to go to the bathroom.

Normal. DH drank coffee on his way in, but got caught many times in the OR, dying because he couldn't pee.

The other day he just held it for hours and I felt so terrible saying who cares if you are late to meet the team, just go. He said he was already running behind and they were all waiting.

Yeah, he's right. Don't be the guy that drags the team down. I never figured out how their urinary systems don't collapse.

Sometimes he gets elderly patients that don't know what they are taking or why they are there and their kids don't care to know either and the ones that do know don't answer the phone so he ends up having to make all these calls and wasting time. There are other things that put him behind like for example he can't talk to the nurses because they are updating each other between shifts. I am going crazy, this is awful, what can I do?

Why are you going crazy? You're not the one having to deal with all this hospital BS. You need to be the one who stays sane. Provide him a sanctuary from the insanity, the best you can. Don't let his craziness become your mental state, too, or you can't be any help to him.

PGY1 year can be very difficult, no doubt! Don't quit, though. You've worked to hard to be killed by a 365-day period. Tough it out.

[ladymoreta]

I am so sorry he's feeling like this! I agree - totally normal, and he needs you to be his support. He can't talk about these feelings with other residents, and it's great that he has you.

People have given some great tips that hopefully he can follow. I'll throw in DH's coffee tip. The Starbucks Double Shot Espresso drinks (usually found by either the coffee or the energy drinks) are expensive but a lifesaver. They have lots of caffeine to keep him awake, but they're pretty small, so it's easier on the bladder.

And I know that seeing a therapist is scary to the residents because they don't want to seem like they can't handle work, but if you notice any signs of real depression, please try to get him to see a professional. Depression will make things almost impossible for him, and he'll be a better doctor by treating it.

[PrincessFiona]

It's tough. Back when my husband was doing IM, he actually had to work from 7am one day until 6 or 7 pm the NEXT day. It was tough and I'm glad that the system has gotten friendlier with regards to work hours. I vividly remember still how exhausted, stressed, and depressed we were. My dh is german and this was all a do-over for him too which just added a lot of years to the process. We are 10 years out if fellowship and life is good. Tell your dh not to quit. It sucks, but he can get through it. Try not to lose sight if the good in your lives. We are here for you.

Kris

[AmeliePoulain]

That's awesome that he got to come home before you were in bed. Can you get up earlier, so you can have a conversation or say goodbye. I never got that industrious because my DH left at 4:45 every day.

Tolerate what? The hours? Bad boss? Long hours?

Why are you going crazy? You're not the one having to deal with all this hospital BS. You need to be the one who stays sane. Provide him a sanctuary from the insanity, the best you can. Don't let his craziness become your mental state, too, or you can't be any help to him.

I actually do wake up with him sometimes. If it's raining I drop him off, it's only like 5 minutes away walking(our second vehicle burned to crisp 2 days before moving out here, I got out in time thank God, it is a whole other issue contributing to my anxiety, it was a bit traumatizing.) I got up early especially on those days when I knew he would be gone the latest and made him breakfast, tried to get him to take snacks. He would eat about 1/4 of his food and looked so depressed. He said he does not mind the long hours. What I think was making this the worst week, was a combination of his 2nd year, the work load and the guy adding more to it to the point sometimes he couldnt even sit, nowhere to sit when looking for a computer, having to hold his bladder, crazy patients. He just had a bad week to the point he was having fantasies about how he would quit. I'm not sure what happened but he is suddenly ok. By "I'm going crazy", I was not referring the previous sentences to that lol, mostly him being devastated and depressed for days where it seems nothing I did helped and thinking that I quit my job, we moved acrross the country and he was about to quit.

I tried to make our house super neat, maybe that would help him relax, I was like an on-call masseuse, was cooking healthy dinners every single day, trying to feed him healthy snacks. Trying to give him vitamins he refuses to take. I was just so upset when he just stopped eating breakfast completely because there is no time for bathroom. He looks so skinny to me. He would get home and had not eaten all day until he started getting dizzy and ate a scone. My suggestions, for example "just be late and go to the bathroom" were not an option. It felt like I couldn't fix anything that was wrong. I could have been overreacting and I see how me freaking out won't help anything. And although yes I was freaking out, I was keeping it in becuase I want to appear calm and not make it worse. Every night we talked and talked, I tried to encourage him telling him this is just temporary. He finally seemed to reason that yes it will get better then the next day same thing again, we were going in circles. It was just the most awful week by far but the posts helped so much and gave me a new perspective. I was almost sure he would quit, but oddly, he has been normal the last 2 nights. Although, he wanted a massage last night... is he milking this?

[AmeliePoulain]

Another tip- he will gave a rep for being lazy if he is not there to round before whomever he is rounding with. So if he's an intern, and he first rounds with pgy2 then they round with pgy3, he needs to be there always before pgy2. He needs to "preround" what he can (get vitals together, etc) so that when pgy2 gets there they can jump right in.

This was a great suggestion. He said he actually does go in earlier at 6am, because the pgy2 gets there at 8am, others get there at 7am. Maybe he should go in at 5 then, not sure. I figured being any kind of tough would make it worse for him but I am starting to see maybe not.

[corn poffi]

Don't baby him. That's what I learned when my BF was struggling. It's one thing to make things easier, but it's another to sit there and make sure he eats, etc. My BF felt like he had no control over anything, and me going overboard actually made him feel completely useless. I still help him out quite a bit, but I've kinda learned what is actually helpful and what is just overdoing it.

[AmeliePoulain]

Thank you all so much for the support and for the suggestions. I feel better just knowing this is not that uncommon and others have been or are in the same place. He is suddenly ok the past few days but we will see. He was regreting going into medicine in his depressive days and kept saying he should have been a physicist. I now make fun of him when The Big Bang Theory comes on.

Rapunzel,
The "suck it up" approach is starting to sound tempting lol. I seems it worked for several people. I too, had a stressful job and I was coming home with tension headaches and the whole back of my neck stiff and aching. Now for the first time in my life, I get to go to school in the daytime, well not counting high school. I have dropped so many classes because I had to stay late at work and couldn't make it to class.

PrincessFiona,
I don't know how your husband got through that, that is crazy. Thank you for your kind words.

LadyMoreta,
He does like his coffee strong, also a good idea. I have actually considered a psychologist, but I'm kind of hesitant about psychiatrists. Where he's from, nobody sees a therapist unless they are completely insane and possibly need to be institutionalized lol. He jokes that to them an autistic child who doesn't talk is just "well-behaved."

[AmeliePoulain]

Con poffi,
I see what you mean. I have perhaps, gone overboard. I'm probably one that should relax as well. I just felt so sorry and wanted to "fix it."

[corn poffi]

I know exactly how that feels! I felt the same way, that I was supposed to fix it. But really, we can't. We can make things a little better, but there's nothing we can do to make life perfect. Seriously, once I backed off a bit, we both felt better.

PrincessFiona,
I don't know how your husband got through that, that is crazy.

That, or worse, is how most of the spouses of the old-timers around here did it pre-80 hour work week (and there are current programs that STILL do crap like that). Intern year is hard, make no mistake, but the hours you're describing are pretty standard and in some cases, downright good. I totally agree w/everyone who said it's not at all uncommon for people to question continuing -- especially on months w/crappy team members. Rather than babying him, I'd try to gently reassure him, and try to make him understand that keeping his nose to the proverbial grindstone will win out in the end.

Good luck!

[AmeliePoulain]

Thanks Shakti

[GrayMatterWife]

I actually do wake up with him sometimes. If it's raining I drop him off, it's only like 5 minutes away walking(our second vehicle burned to crisp 2 days before moving out here, I got out in time thank God, it is a whole other issue contributing to my anxiety, it was a bit traumatizing.) I got up early especially on those days when I knew he would be gone the latest and made him breakfast, tried to get him to take snacks. He would eat about 1/4 of his food and looked so depressed. He said he does not mind the long hours. What I think was making this the worst week, was a combination of his 2nd year, the work load and the guy adding more to it to the point sometimes he couldnt even sit, nowhere to sit when looking for a computer, having to hold his bladder, crazy patients. He just had a bad week to the point he was having fantasies about how he would quit. I'm not sure what happened but he is suddenly ok. By "I'm going crazy", I was not referring the previous sentences to that lol, mostly him being devastated and depressed for days where it seems nothing I did helped and thinking that I quit my job, we moved acrross the country and he was about to quit.

I tried to make our house super neat, maybe that would help him relax, I was like an on-call masseuse, was cooking healthy dinners every single day, trying to feed him healthy snacks. Trying to give him vitamins he refuses to take. I was just so upset when he just stopped eating breakfast completely because there is no time for bathroom. He looks so skinny to me. He would get home and had not eaten all day until he started getting dizzy and ate a scone. My suggestions, for example "just be late and go to the bathroom" were not an option. It felt like I couldn't fix anything that was wrong. I could have been overreacting and I see how me freaking out won't help anything. And although yes I was freaking out, I was keeping it in becuase I want to appear calm and not make it worse. Every night we talked and talked, I tried to encourage him telling him this is just temporary. He finally seemed to reason that yes it will get better then the next day same thing again, we were going in circles. It was just the most awful week by far but the posts helped so much and gave me a new perspective. I was almost sure he would quit, but oddly, he has been normal the last 2 nights. Although, he wanted a massage last night... is he milking this?

FWIW, stop babying him. There is a difference between doing kind things to help him out (making him breakfast if he wants it) and worrying about whether he's not eating breakfast and obsessively shoveling vitamins. He's a grown man who has the life of other human beings in his hands. He doesn't need a pseudo-mother worrying about whether he ate his Wheaties. If he passes out from starvation, he deserves it. This is a real job with real pressures that you have to learn to manage. And part of that management has to include learning to keep oneself healthy enough to do the job. And he will learn.

I would back away from trying to make everything perfect for him, outside the hospital, if it is killing you. Don't inflict a bunch of household chores on him or anything (no, there is no "50/50" share in the residency marriage), but you don't have to create perfection at home to reduce stress. My honest advice: just don't nag him or rag on him (I'm not saying you were!). Just don't give him a lot of sh*t, even if he deserves it. Yeah, you'll have your moments (you're human, and he'll deserve it!), but try to resist. He gets beaten down at work. In the meantime, a perfect house, great meals--he probably feels like he goes from being totally inadequate at the hospital to a perfect home...where he also has to be perfect and happy to match the perfectness? If you are a neat-nick and a gourmet chef, hey! Come live at my house! hahaha. But don't change WHO YOU ARE to make HIS JOB work in YOUR LIFE. I know understand why you feel like you're going crazy. You cannot control his job. You cannot control its suckage. And, the biggest problem is, his job will STILL SUCK when he's home. Right now, training consumes him. No neat house or nice meal is going to fix that or make him feel better. BE YOURSELF in helping him out. The consistency of his relationship with you and your reliability in his professional world of unreliability will serve him best.

He also needs to stop feeling sorry for himself. Yeah, the job is hard, bosses suck, the hours are terrible and no one respects you. A lot of medical students have a rough transition to the work world because this is often their first "real world" job and they are used to always being (1) the smartest guy in the room and (2) the most respected guy in the room. Their opinions are listened to and they are assumed to be right. Residency can be a real cold shower (it was my my DH, an MD-PhD...nerd alert to the n-th degree...) He needs to get over it. Residency sucks, but if you want to be a doctor, this is the road. Now, if you don't want to be a doctor badly enough to endure residency, that's another story. But if this is what he really wants, then he has to find a way to deal with the short-term (residency) pain.

He's right--being late and just going to the bathroom is not an option. You would be perceived as a big p*ssy and a drag on the momentum of the group. Sorry, it's not right and it's not even healthy, but that's the way it can be.

And give him the massage, if he wants it. My DH is a surgeon and spends his whole day hunched over, on his feet. Massages really help. I bought a book, so I could do it better.