Family Dynamics.. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

[marciaquezada]

Friends,

I have been meaning to come on here and post, but due to my hectic work/school schedule I have not been able to

So, J(my boyfriend) and I had a tiff a couple weeks back and it has been bothering me since.. and I would like some advice..

So here it goes..

J (my boyfriend) called me a couple weeks back because his brother and his wife had a baby. J told me and I honestly thought it was nice but didn't comment much on the matter...he seemed annoyed because I wasn't jumping for joy.. and he asked me if I was jealous of his sister-in-law... and it kind of pissed me off, because I am not jealous of her.. I just don't care much about her (I have valid reasons for my feelings which I will explain). I told him that I was indifferent towards her and was glad that the baby was healthy, but I couldn't comment much.. because I don't really care (now that I realize it...the comment seems kinda bitchy, but I was honest)

I wasn't trying to seem hateful towards the child or his brother, but his argument was that my distaste for this woman was permeating to the rest of his family like his brother and his new baby... and I can understand how he feels that way, but I don't dislike his brother or the baby.. I just don't like his sister-in law.. anyway

So J's sister in-law has never been nice to me... EVER.. and at first I thought that maybe I had to prove myself or something, but every time I have ever interacted with this woman she has aways had something mean to say (she has a domineering, bully, a**hole personality.. You can tell that she wears the pants in her marriage). The first time I ever met her she ridiculed the way me and J met (we met online), my 1st X-mas with J and his whole family she tried to make me look bad in front of his sisters and mother, she has instigated via e-mail and social networking that J didn't visit the rest of his family b/c of me.

Now every time these things have happened I have always kept my mouth shut.. and taken the humble route. I like to think that I am the type of person who gives people the benefit of the doubt, but honestly after having such horrible experiences with her I honestly don't want anything to do with her... I really don't like her.. And even despite the fact that I don't like her every time I do have to see her I am always respectful..

J's comment (and everyone in his family apparently) is that she is this way and that there is nothing that anyone can do about it. So I am thinking to myself.. Do I really have to always put my head down when I am being subtly insulted? Or am I being too sensitive?

I believe that I have every right to not like her.. However, I have been very careful around his family because in all honesty I like his sisters and mother but she is just a bi**h.

J also says that he cannot do anything because that is his brothers wife...

So what would you do? J comes back from med school in a month and I know I will have to see her ALLL THE TIME.. luckily, I am busy enough to stay away, but I am absolutely dreading christmas and new years...

I talked to my mother about the situation and she said that I should try to just ignore her comments.. J and I would like to get married someday, but ever since this I view marriage a bit differently.... I've realized that marriage isn't about you and your partner, but also everyone else directly related to you and him... I even had a thought like.. Do I want to be marry into a family who just lets people openly insult each other and excuse the behavior..?!?! Sometimes I feel kinda crazy even thinking of this...

I love J very much... but sometimes the fact that I would have to see this woman ALWAYS gives me nausea...

Am I being a drama queen?!?!?!


I NEED ADVICE....

[GrayMatterWife]

I apologize...did you introduce yourself? At what point in medical training is your boyfriend?

[MarissaNicole]

I think part of the part of the problem for you is that as of right now you are just the girlfriend, whereas she is the wife/daughter-in-law. Not that her actions are appropriate or that you deserve to be treated with anything less than respect but they know they have to live with her and may not be willing to fight your battle. They probably all tip toe around her themselves.
Personally I would vent to my friends and family but not share with your bf or his family. She isn't family (yet) and if she does become family that may change the dynamic a bit and give you a little more ground to at least let her know you think she is treating you unfairly.
So I guess personally, I would stay quiet for now because it doesn't sound like confronting her will be well accepted by her or the family. And don't forget that although they might not say anything they may feel the same way.

[poky]

I apologize...did you introduce yourself? At what point in medical training is your boyfriend?

Click on her username, click on "view forum posts" and you can see all of her posts.

[GrayMatterWife]

Click on her username, click on "view forum posts" and you can see all of her posts.

Thanks. It is so hard to keep up with all the newbies. I lose track.

[Meenah]

I agree with your Mom, try to ignore her for now. There is no point in taking her on. Concentrate on yourself and your fiancee.

[Phoebe]

I have a bitchy SIL like that everyone walks on egg shells around her. One person can completely change the family dynamics. You are correct when you said you marry someone and their family. You can't choose your family so I would try to ignore her comments. She probably puts other people down to feel better about herself.

[diggitydot]

...I view marriage a bit differently.... I've realized that marriage isn't about you and your partner, but also everyone else directly related to you and him.

Yes and no. Marriage is between two people, but you have to find a way to deal with the in-laws. I love my in-laws. Mainly because they live half a continent away from us, which is just about perfect.

I doubt knowing what I would do in the situation would be helpful for you. You likely care what your boyfriend's family thinks of you while I couldn't give two shits what my in-laws think.

[ladymoreta]

I would send a nice gift and card from you and your BF, and leave it at that. There's no reason you should have to spend time with her outside of family gatherings. If your BF wants to hang out with his brother, encourage him to use that as "guy time", and don't feel like you and his SIL have to be there. If he presses the issue, just keep reiterating that she doesn't treat you respectfully, so you don't want to spend time around her. And TBH, you have no obligation to be at family gatherings when she's present. The in-laws are at her mercy since they want to see the grandbaby, but you want nothing from her, so she has no power in your relationship with her.

And don't underestimate your own ability to handle her rudeness. The next time you are at a family event and she says something rude to you, there's nothing wrong with pausing, looking her in the eye, and calmly saying "That wasn't very polite." Then either excuse yourself, or (if you're feeling gutsy) waiting silently for her to reply.

[Cinderella]

These kinds of personalities are a real challenge. I wouldn't challenge a bull with a red flag. Personally I would go with the all out avoidance tactic. Tell those who are personally involved with her what they want to hear to make them feel alright, but then go ahead and do what you want anyways even if it's contrary to what you said, to feel comfortable in your own skin. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. They should already get it. If they try to make an issue with you or confront you just avoid them, don't answer anything written to you and ignore anything verbal. Smile and redirect them with another topic. It's hard not to get sucked into other people's drama but sometimes you just gotta put your blinders on because you don't need the energy leak in your life.