DH, stress.... what to do?

I posted here back and the spring and haven't been back in a while, I apologize. Honestly, I really need the support of people in a similar situation so I think I will be frequenting this board a lot more.

Ever since starting rotations in May, my husband has been extremely stressed and depressed. The only time he seemed happy was on his peds rounds (which is what he wants to do). He is not himself. I really just don't know what to do. I'm not exaggerating when I say he has no friends here. He talks with people in his class and I guess you could say has friends in his class, but he never hangs out with them outside of the school setting. He says he wouldn't really want to because they all discuss exams, talk about med school, etc. and that just stresses him out more. He regularly exercises... running 6 miles every other day and lifting weights the other days. He says that does help him destress, but I think it only helps to a point.

I personally think he's reached a level where he needs outside help. Whether that be the med school counselor or medication. Anytime I bring it up he gets upset. How do I make him realize this is what he needs? Also, how does one decide whether to just go to a family med doc and ask for meds or go for counseling?

He gets stressed because he says he just doesn't have enough time. So making time for counseling appointments would be difficult. I just really don't know what to do and need advice of others who've been there. Thanks so much.

[Vanquisher]

I would just say, "I am worried about you because you seem to be so unhappy and stressed. If you had a horrible GI infection, you wouldn't be mad at me for suggesting you see someone and get some antibiotics. This is no different. Please see someone and get some medication if they think it will help you. Please do this for me. It means a lot to me, and I hate to see you feeling so low."

[TigerLily]

Hey Kelli! Hey first congrats on baby #2 on the way!
I remember 3rd year being the hardest year for us. It is such a big transition, the hours can be really rough and there is so much pressure. My husband went through some rough patches during that year too. It was not a fun time overall. So as far as that goes, at least there is a light at the end of the tunnel! 4th year should be a lot better.
Since I really don't know much about his level of depression/stress first hand, I don't really know what kind of advice I can give on that. Except that it is probably something that he would have to decide on his own.
I think that a lot of stress is normal during this period of his life. I would just encourage him at home, make sure that when he isn't working that he is taking time to do something fun. Even if that means just watching a movie with you, or going out to dinner. Something that doesn't involve thinking about medicine. If you're really worried about him, which it seems like you are, maybe you should mention it to your doctor next time you see him/her and see what his/her recommendation would be.
Does he get any electives this year that he hasn't decided on? Maybe if he hasn't he could take an easy one. Like Leadership in Medicine if he has the opportunity! That was a great stress relief for us. Just to have a M-F 8-noon month.
I hope I didn't make this sound like it isn't important to address his feelings. Because obviously it is!
I hope he gets back to normal soon. There are lots of ups and downs, and I hope he gets on an up soon!

[TigerLily]

Also, I like what Heidi said. Try that first. lol

[Deebs]

3rd year was our hardest, too. When DH started residency, I was so grateful for an 80 hour work week limit. He worked WAY more than that during MS3. I don't know what your DH is like, but most men don't have friends as an outlet the way women do. DH didn't see any of his friends (he does have three really close friends that were all best friends through med school) in 3rd year because they were all that busy. We do have a couple of friends that figured out during MS3 that they really didn't want to be doctors (they're both radiologists now). Is that what is going on? Does your DH have a dean or similar administrator that knows him well? Maybe you could seek advice from that person. I hope you are surviving through all of this. I'm sure it's really tough to take this on while having a little one and being pregnant.

Thank you! We are excited, we were trying since January, had 2 miscarriages and finally in September I got a BFP that so far is still sticking! Due at the beginning of June

He actually is having his month break in January. So after December 21st he'll be off for a while. His parents are even taking us to Disney then, which will be a lot of fun, too.

I think one of his problems is, he lets something just REALLY get to him at times. For instance, his rotation now is in a suburb that's 30 minutes away. He absolutely hates traffic and long commutes. He likes the doctor he's working with and the clinic, etc. but it's like he lets the little things completely ruin everything else. I know he realizes this but it doesn't help. He also gets home really late and we eat dinner right away and then get DS ready for bed and then the rest of the night is rushed with him trying to work out and then needing to study for a few hours, too. He left today crying . It just sucks to see him like that.

3rd year was our hardest, too. When DH started residency, I was so grateful for an 80 hour work week limit. He worked WAY more than that during MS3. I don't know what your DH is like, but most men don't have friends as an outlet the way women do. DH didn't see any of his friends (he does have three really close friends that were all best friends through med school) in 3rd year because they were all that busy. We do have a couple of friends that figured out during MS3 that they really didn't want to be doctors (they're both radiologists now). Is that what is going on? Does your DH have a dean or similar administrator that knows him well? Maybe you could seek advice from that person. I hope you are surviving through all of this. I'm sure it's really tough to take this on while having a little one and being pregnant.

He really enjoyed his peds rotation and definitely thinks that's what he wants to do. I was worried at first before he had that rotation that maybe he had realized he didn't want to be a doctor and was dealing with that, but I don't think that's the case. I think doing rotations he's not at all interested in add to his depression, too though.

I'm doing good, thanks. I was very depressed myself when I had my miscarriages this summer and was a mess. I would say I'm at my best right now. Entering 2nd tri so feeling good, and DS is at a really fun age. I just wish my DH could/would be happy too!

[diggitydot]

I would just say, "I am worried about you because you seem to be so unhappy and stressed. If you had a horrible GI infection, you wouldn't be mad at me for suggesting you see someone and get some antibiotics. This is no different. Please see someone and get some medication if they think it will help you. Please do this for me. It means a lot to me, and I hate to see you feeling so low."

So much word. As usual, Heidi posted exactly what was knocking around in my noggin.

Kelli - Depression is not uncommon, particularly in medicine. However, the stigma felt by many peeps with depression is exceedingly common. It may take your dude a bit to accept that this isn't a personal failing; it's a treatable medical condition. Would he expect a diabetic to just "be OK" sans insulin meds? Of course not. He'd expect them to take thier meds and be compliant with their doctor's orders. He needs to get into be seen by his doc and to be honest with them about what's going on so he can get the appropriate treatment.

Just don't let him bullshit his way into avoidance. Depression isn't something to dick around about. The "I do this for a living, I know what I'm talking about!" argument is moot unless he's a licensed, practicing psych. Covering/rotating through it in med school is not the same thing and kinda doesn't count. He has experience with a plastics or ortho rotations, too, but I doubt he'd perform his own damn surgery.

Hang in there.

ETA: Um, yeah -- 3rd year completely blows. Hard.

And congrats on your pregnancy! Yay, babies!

[TigerLily]

yeah that sounds like he must be having a really hard time.
I remember having to MAKE my husband take one day off a week from studying. I think we did Friday or Saturday. Where he was not allowed to open any of those stupid books.
I'm glad that he is getting a vacation month. Disney World will be wonderful. Make sure he doesn't pack any school stuff!

So much word. As usual, Heidi posted exactly what was knocking around in my noggin.

Kelli - Depression is not uncommon, particularly in medicine. However, the stigma felt by many peeps with depression is exceedingly common. It may take your dude a bit to accept that this isn't a personal failing; it's a treatable medical condition. Would he expect a diabetic to just "be OK" sans insulin meds? Of course not. He'd expect them to take thier meds and be compliant with their doctor's orders. He needs to get into be seen by his doc and to be honest with them about what's going on so he can get the appropriate treatment.

Just don't let him bullshit his way into avoidance. Depression isn't something to dick around about. The "I do this for a living, I know what I'm talking about!" argument is moot unless he's a licensed, practicing psych. Covering/rotating through it in med school is not the same thing and kinda doesn't count. He has experience with a plastics or ortho rotations, too, but I doubt he'd perform his own damn surgery.

Hang in there.

I so agree!

He's never sick and is very healthy. Even though depression isn't an illness like a cold or flu per say, I almost get the feeling that the idea of taking medication for it would mean he'd have to admit it is a problem and I don't think he wants to.

I think he also struggles with the idea of just going to a doc, saying "hey, I feel depressed" and getting meds and walking out. Then again though, I just feel like the counseling route wouldn't be very useful given his lack of time and the length of time it takes to actually help.

[diggitydot]

Even though depression isn't an illness like a cold or flu per say...

Well, it's not caused by a virus, if that's what you mean. But it is a medical condition that needs treatment.

I almost get the feeling that the idea of taking medication for it would mean he'd have to admit it is a problem and I don't think he wants to.

That's the toughest part for most peeps. Getting over that hump can be very difficult.

I think he also struggles with the idea of just going to a doc, saying "hey, I feel depressed" and getting meds and walking out.

That's not how it works. He should know how these things go down, but depression can make people irrational and zaps their perspective. Meds can be just a part of the treatment picture.

Then again though, I just feel like the counseling route wouldn't be very useful given his lack of time and the length of time it takes to actually help.

You'd be surprised how quickly and how helpful counseling/therapy can be in conjunction with appropriate meds. And if his health is important to you all as a family, his mental health needs to be high on his list of priorities, too. Physical health is almost useless without mental health, too.

My dude has a history of cyclical depression. If you'd like, you're more than welcomed to PM me.

Well, it's not caused by a virus, if that's what you mean. But it is a medical condition that needs treatment.

I definitely know this. I said that meaning it's not an illness like a virus, not that it's not an illness


That's not how it works. He should know how these things go down, but depression can make people irrational and zaps their perspective. Meds can be just a part of the treatment picture.

Anytime I've asked my OB about having PPD (which I thought I did with DS) they would just immediately prescribe medicine. All my mom friends have had the same experience. That's why I honestly figured you tell a doc you're depressed, they throw out medicine names and describe the differences and ask which one you want.

You'd be surprised how quickly and how helpful counseling/therapy can be in conjunction with appropriate meds. And if his health is important to you all as a family, his mental health needs to be high on his list of priorities, too. Physical health is almost useless without mental health, too.

Counseling has never been effective or helpful to me. My parents divorced and we went to a counselor for years. It was nice to have someone to talk to about it, but it wasn't "helpful" in any other way. I also tried the med school counselor after having my son and dealing with the above mentioned PPD and it was mainly her trying to teach me meditation routines and how to destress which to me, personally, isn't and wasn't helpful. I'm sure other people have different experiences though but knowing my DH, he would be like me. I'm totally willing to have him try it though.

I hope I responded to this write, responses in bold

[peggyfromwastate]

My dh was much more settled when he was thru with ms3, had a plan (knew what he wanted to do residency in), and then spent about 4 months at the start of ms4 rotating in his field of choice-- applying to the programs, etc. the stress was still there, but he didn't have months of rotations that he really was not interested in at all-- the worst was vascular surgery. I can't remember when that rotation happened- surgical intern year I think. But it was bad, and I had never seen dh that frustrated and despondent before.

Does your dh have a history of depression at all? Mine doesn't and I do not think he would go to counseling willingly. I think counseling would be great for everyone. I'd love to go myself!!!

[moonlight]

I'm really sorry he is having a hard time. Is it different now? When DH was a med student there was plenty of time to take off compared to residency. Is he doing a really hard rotation right now? I joined this site when DH was on surgery during MS3. That was really hard on both of us. I think he peds rotation was the lowest tho. He didn't want to go into that and the sick children really got to him. We are here for you! Please keep us posted on how you and he are doing.

About just going in and getting meds- That's what I did. I got my first script from a family practice PA and all I did was just walk in there, say, "I'm depressed" and ask for a Prozac prescription. That was 3(ish?) years ago. Then, when I went to my OB for my annual, he said, "So do you want a years renewal on this prozac?" and I said, "Yes" and I got a years supply. That's how I've been getting my renewals ever since- through my OB at my annuals. I never had to go into graphic detail about why I wanted the med or anything. I never had to take a screening questionnaire, make a plan of care, etc etc. I think it's pretty easy to get an SSRI script. I have seen a counselor briefly during this time, but the meds and the counseling were two completely separate things. So, OP, he very well just may be able to walk in there and get a prescription. You just never know.