Communication

Tulips, unfortunately, we don't live together and have a few hours in between us so it's hard to coordinate dates. We've postponed our last date 3-4 times now and it's adding to the frustration. I would like to be under the same roof so that we can have at least a few minutes here and there but as diggitydot said, if we did live together and there are days when he doesn't communicate, I might be even more resentful. He's usually not so bad and I'll get good night texts but this past week has been all tumbleweeds. Thank you again so much everyone for your insight!

[SuzySunshine]

Now that DH has an iphone I e-mail him, he doesn't have a texting plan but if I REALLY need to get ahold of him and don't want to call I'll pay the $.25 to text him.

He doesn't usually respond but at least I know he gets them.

[DCJenn]

We pioneered the instant message back in the dark ages of dating- 1999 and it's worked for us ever since.

J.

[madeintaiwan]

I rarely ever hear from DH when he is working. If I am needing a call back, I will text page his pager and either he will call me back or sometimes I get a nurse. Sometimes I don't get a call back. That's the way it goes.

[Phoebe]

I don't expect to hear from DH during the days. I only page if it is important. He can't really text from work. We were just talking about how I am more of a phone communicator and he utilizes email much more.

[spotty_dog]

Remind me how long you've been dating? What rotation is he on?

I can always tell whether DH is on a teaching or clinical shift from how quickly he replies to texts and how often he asks how we are doing.

In residency, he would text to let me know when he was on his way home but that was all. His hospital had a lot of cell phone dead zones and he was always busy.

If he's on an ER rotation right now there should be time to check in with you every day either before or after shift. So I'd be frustrated too.

[BonBon]

For us, it varies. My DH is in anesthesia, so during a 8 hr NSG case, he'll text me all day. OTOH, when he's in the peds ENT room, forget it. (think doing case after case of ear tubes, no time to eat or pee, let alone send your wife a text)

[scarlett09]

When DH was in med school, we communicated with each other when we were home in our tiny 1-bedroom apartment. Besides than that, one of us would call or text the other saying "hey, I'm on my way home." That was it. Sometimes there was some texting or calling if one of us (usually me) was having a bad day/frustrated about something, but this was pretty rare. I usually called or texted just as a way to vent or share my emotions, I didn't expect an immediate reply back (unless I was sobbing during a VM, which happened a few times).

Now that he is a resident, the communication level is pretty much the same. Actual face time takes place here at home, depending upon what rotation he is on. Occasionally we get quality face time, like right now when he's in the ER and I'm home all the time. Most of the time over the last 2.5 years, we would get about an hour before he passed out on the sofa. We both have hands-free devices in our cars (Bluetooth speakers rock!), so usually we have a longer conversation when someone calls to say "hey, I'm on my way home." I've learned to take advantage of this time because it extended the period that we could chat with each other without someone falling asleep. Texting is about the same, it's generally me doing so in order to vent or emote about something. He doesn't have cell service at the hospital where he spends the majority of his time, so I only page if its really important. Usually its just to let him know something or get it off my chest, I don't ever expect a reply back. Again, unless I text or page something akin to an emergency, I don't expect to hear back.

If he's on call, I really don't expect any kind of contact and try not to bother him with venting-type stuff. Sometimes I get lucky and he calls to say good night for 5 minutes or less, but I know that if its really busy, then I won't get a call. And I'm alright with that. I know he will be back again soon, singing silly songs in order to hear himself make noise.

Honestly, he applied the same rules to me when I was working and he was a med student. He would text or leave a VM to let me know about a change of plans or how an exam went, but he knew not to expect a reply back. If it was emergent, then he could get a hold of me at my desk. I believe this sort of understanding should apply to everyone, regardless of what type of job they have. Obviously, family emergencies and other situations would not fall under these rules.

Spotty, we've been together for a little less than a year...it's hard to say exactly how long it's been because we just went into it thinking it was a relationship! All your replies are so helpful because I'm pretty neurotic (he knows and says he's fond of me even when I'm spazzy) and tend to react on emotions so I don't know where the line is between the nature of his job and being inconsiderate

[JDAZ11]

I know he will be back again soon, singing silly songs in order to hear himself make noise.

HA!!!! Our SO's sound so similar! I had no idea that anyone else did that!

[JDAZ11]

so I don't know where the line is between the nature of his job and being inconsiderate

Yeah - the line is sometimes hard to identify, especially when your relationship is new AND long distance. When I started dating my DF, I had just ended a long relationship with this REALLY overbearing guy (well it had been a few months, but I was still traumatized). I kind of loved that the DF and I didn't talk everyday at first - in fact it probably played a big role in my decision to date him. I guess I really enjoyed my independence at that point. I'd say to give him the benefit of the doubt for now and maybe next time you see him bring up how lack of communication bothers you. But that is just my opinion - I prefer to have relationship talks in person.

JDAZ, yes, important talks in person are so crucial-too many chances for misunderstandings over the phone/text! I love my independence and wouldn't want to impede on his but jeez, it's hard when he's MIA sometimes. This place has been such a therapy session and I mean that in the best way

[Thirteen]

Only a "leaving now" text in residency.
Now? I sometimes get "Have a good day!" in the morning, and a "leaving now" at this point in PP.

We're all romantical like that.

[peggyfromwastate]

Dh texts when he's leaving. He is not allowed to txt anything earlier where he says "I should be able to leave by X-time today" bc he ALWAYS has to stay later than whatever time he thought and it makes me upset. He does txt when he's actually leaving.

I sometimes text him to vent (trying to break this habit.. Yesterday was a fail), or to tell him something about the kids. I know he won't read those txts in a timely manner, and I don't really expect responses.