Any advice?

[birdhouse]

This is a bit of a long story, but I will try to get to the point. Excuse any typing errors as I am typing from my IPhone through tears. We are in our last year of Residency after an MD/PhD and this has been the worst year of my life. Since I did not know where we would end up, I stopped putting effort into building my own life and went into just "get by" mode. DrH also went into that mode. In the last few months it has come out that we were both unfaithful. Neither of us had a physical indiscretion, but both were involved emotionally with other people. When it came out it was sad and we talked and decided that we had disconnected and were going to just try to make the best of the last few months and then seperate when we move for practice. Both agreeing to end the emotional relationship with the other person.

However, we had some good days and bad days and went back and forth on what we thought was best. We have 3 children, have been together 10 years and friends for 17 (since we were teenagers). I find it hard to throw all that away. He feels that some time apart will allow us to heal, he will re-charge and we will re-unite stronger. Since there are also trust issues, I don't see how they can be addressed if we are in different cities. We would be living about 3 hours apart. Since 2 of our children are school-aged, once we commit to this plan it will have to last at least a year so that the kids don't have to transfer schools. My heart is literally broken thinking about this. I feel like married people don't just seperate because what if they don't work it out. How am I supposed to deal with 3 kids by myself? He says I have been doing it anyway during residency...I just don't feel like it is fair. I have sacrificed my life to support him for him to say he's done with me now. He doesn't feel like this is what he is doing. That the space will give time to work hard and prove himself in the practice (partner-track) and be a better person, husband, and father overall. I also have fear that since I need that emotional component that I will find it elsewhere further complicating things. I am so torn up right now and still have to live with him for another month and a half. Any suggestions on what to do? I'll also answer any follow-up questions because I know this is somewhat jumbled. I am currently seeing a therapist weekly, so that is helpful.

Thanks for reading...

[MrsK]

Hello and Hugs. Pls excuse the fly-by nature of my response. I'm sitting in an IHOP with my kids. A couple things jumped out at me when I first read your post. First, end of residency is bumpy for a lot of people and it is easy to feel disconnected from or even resentful of your spouse at that time. I'm in the last 5 months of residency with my dh and it is probably the most difficult time in our marriage thus far. Secondly, it doesn't sound like either you or your dh want to divorce/seperate. It sounds like the lines oc communication have become muddled between you. I'd recommend some visits with your clergyman or a marriage counselor before you seperate.

[diggitydot]

I agree with MrsK. The last year of residency blows and is tougher than expected in everyone.

Distance and space is not something you two need to keep your relationship going. That's part of the underlying disconnection issue that had you two seeking out other people with whom to connect.

I realize that it's a busy time and there's a LOT on your plate, but you two need to find a way to get some marriage counseling going ASAP. It will not only help you two relearn effective communication strategies, but it will be one-on-one time where you two have each other's undivided attention. That alone can make a HUGE difference.

[v-girl]

I agree with MrsK. The last year of residency blows and is tougher than expected in everyone.

Distance and space is not something you two need to keep your relationship going. That's part of the underlying disconnection issue that had you two seeking out other people with whom to connect.

I realize that it's a busy time and there's a LOT on your plate, but you two need to find a way to get some marriage counseling going ASAP. It will not only help you two relearn effective communication strategies, but it will be one-on-one time where you two have each other's undivided attention. That alone can make a HUGE difference.

This.

[weeniegeniewife]

Counselor stepping in here...I agree that it's not in the best interest of the marriage to separate in a few months. You need MORE time together, not less.

[alotofyarn]

Just adding another agree - I don't think distance and space are good things, I think they're his way of not dealing. Counseling and active roles on both parts in repairing your relationship are likely to be the best thing you can do for yourselves. Sending tons and tons of hugs!

[ladymoreta]

Hugs, and welcome. You've gotten great advice, and I agree that you should not try the separation. The last year of residency and the first year of attendinghood are rough! There are so many big changes, and while you guys aren't at 100% with your relationship, this may be your last chance to make it work.

Is/was he a good guy? Did he used to treat you well and make you happy? I ask this because we have almost all seen our husbands change for the worse and our relationships weaken during residency, at least at times. It truly brings out the worst in them, and I say that coming from one of the best residency experiences I've heard of. However, we also have members on here whose husbands were not good guys, and they are doing better divorced than they were married. We're here for you either way!

[Cinderella]

[Alacrity]

Ditto on last year of residency being the worst. Check with your local Catholic Archdiocese for marriage workshops. They are pretty good and one of the valuable parts is seeing that other people are going through the exact same thing (and I'm not catholic)

[birdhouse]

Well as far as he is concerned, he is not willing to live with me and when I corner him to make a choice he says many times all someone needs is time and separation does not have to equal divorce. He also says that if I can't understand that separation is not divorce then he guesses it is divorce...
He was the greatest husband and father before residency. He has changed so much. He was the one that was telling me to hang in there throughout residency. I can't help but feel betrayed and I do not believe those feelings of resentment for putting me through this will be easy to move past. I am strong and have support where we are moving which is opposite of where we have been for Med school and Reaidency. I am at peace with divorce, but can't deal with something in between. We can't do any counseling if we aren't in the same city and he has decided that his career is priority right now because that is what he has worked so hard for. I guess he has forgotten who has been down the entire road with him...,
I'm heartbroken, but have to move on...he is a horrible communicator so I know the distance will only make things worse.
My dilemma now is whether to force him to move out for the last 2 months of residency. I am fine while he is gone but can't deal with living in a house with someone and not speaking. He can't afford to live in a hotel for 2 months but I would be willing to give him the money to keep a peaceful home for my kids and I. What do you guys think? I'll keep you posted either way. This has been the hardest 6 months of my life and I presume the first 6 months of a separation will be difficult as well...
Since I work from home, I can easily transfer that in the move, but may have to get a regular job too, while taking care of 3 kids by myself. It just doesn't seem fair...

[Meenah]

I agree with everyone else, stay together while trying to work things out, distance won't help. A question to ask him is does he really want to work things out, or is this an excuse he is using to end things without taking all of the blame?

[diggitydot]

Well as far as he is concerned, he is not willing to live with me and when I corner him to make a choice he says many times all someone needs is time and separation does not have to equal divorce. He also says that if I can't understand that separation is not divorce then he guesses it is divorce...

He's trying to make you be the bad guy who pulls the divorce trigger. It's an attempt to assuage his guilt.

I'm sorry, but I've never seen an intentional, open-ended separation NOT lead to divorce.

And the "Well, if YOU don't understand, then it's divorce," is complete and utter horse shit. He's being a pussy and needs to man the fuck up.

[weeniegeniewife]

He's trying to make you be the bad guy who pulls the divorce trigger. It's an attempt to assuage his guilt.

I'm sorry, but I've never seen an intentional, open-ended separation NOT lead to divorce.

And the "Well, if YOU don't understand, then it's divorce," is complete and utter horse shit. He's being a pussy and needs to man the fuck up.

Yup, to all of this. DD is very wise.

[moonlight]

The first thing I got out of reading your original post was that he wants to end the relationship but doesn't know how to make a clean break with his family. Seems like you have a few options. 1) force him into counselling and try to make it work or 2) decide to end the relationship and then make more hard decisions like where you'll live. Seems like being 3 hours away from the kids' dad would be difficult on everyone but maybe you are not interested in moving there?........ and I'm really wondering why he doesn't want you there either.

I am SO Sorry you are going through this heartbreak.

[diggitydot]

Why, exactly, does he not want to live in the same house post-training? Is he trying to demand a separation?