Any advice?

[Michele]

We divorced right after training. It was really really rough at first. Now I'm doing pretty well if I do say so myself.

Distance WILL NOT make it better. It will ensure a divorce. If possible, tell him you will only agree to the separation if he commits the next two months to regular frequent counseling. Committing also to really try to do whatever the counselor suggests. However, if he isn't willing to even try, then there isn't much you can do to change his mind. But you should take steps to protect yourself financially and emotionally. Continue seeing a counselor, but also contact a lawyer.

My ex forced me to "be the bad guy" and call for the divorce. At first it was absolutely the last thing I wanted to do. *I* wasn't going to call it off if *I* was still willing to work things out. If he wanted out so bad, he should have to be the one to call it off officially. But ultimately it empowered me by being the one to file for divorce.

I have three children (6, 4, and 2). My divorce was final about 8 months ago. He is living with someone he started dating right around the time the divorce was finalized. I'm two weeks away from the closing on a huge house I bought with my parents. My mom is my nanny.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I really feel for you, this sounds really tough.

I agree that a separation is a way of saying "I want a divorce" without actually saying it. My parents separated - my mom thought they would work it out, my dad started dating someone two weeks later (if not before...). I especially wouldn't agree to a separation 3 hours away. If you do feel you need to separate, why can't you do it in the same place and same neighborhood?

I would press the issue as it relates to your kids especially. How is a separation 3 hours from their father good for them? If he's not willing to see that this is a bad idea for his children, then honestly, he might be too far gone. From my experience, men can recover from feeling so-so about their wives, when they start not caring about their kids, it's a really bad sign especially if he was a great Dad before residency as you indicated.

[HouseofWool]

Ha LSW, I will totally out myself here, this is just my first chance to post from the computer.

As another divorcee, I will tell you that it sounds like he is already out of the marriage, but doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger. His actions indicate that he wants you to be the bad guy. "See kids, I just wanted a trial separation, but your mom divorced me." At least this was/is the attitude of my ex.

I went to visit my parents for a week with the kids, leaving on his birthday and realized while there that there was no way I could ever go back and live with him again. Never. 5 days after his birthday, I went back and got my stuff and moved in with my parents, a 6 year old and a 6 month old in tow. To this day he insists I left him on his birthday. Never mind that I specifically asked him if it was okay with him if I went to visit my parents on that day and he said yes. :eyeroll:

One thing my atty told me was that being the petitioner tends to have more power in the courts than being the respondent. By being the one to file you tend to control things.

I promise you, you will survive if you divorce. You will be stronger than you ever thought possible. The days you feel weak, you reach out and someone talks you off the ledge.

However, I definitely agree that the separation is a bad idea if either of you are looking to make the marriage work. Infidelity itself does not mean the demise of the marriage unless it is a dealbreaker for either of you. Since it seems like both parties are guilty to a certain extent, then it would be unfair to have it be a dealbreaker. Physical intimacy is moot in this case, it really doesn't mean much if both of you were emotionally involved with others.

As long as there are no other issues like emotional or physical abuse, it would be a shame to throw it all away because residency got really fucking hard. I would push hard for joint counseling for the remainder of residency.

I will also say that I am currently living 4 hours from my ex and it sucks for exchanging the kids. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[poky]

This thread was closed; not sure if that was on purpose or an accident; let me know if it was on purpose, and I can re-close it.

[birdhouse]

He wants some time alone so that he can focus on his career without hurting us. He knows the first year is going to be rough and he is very introverted. He wants to be able to come home and "be an ass" if he wants to without hurting our feelings. Sometimes he comes home and doesn't want to talk to anyone. He just wants to sit down and play video games until he falls asleep. With 3 kids (12,5,3) and a wife that is very extroverted, that doesn't work well for us. He says he needs the time to find the old person he was before residency...all I can do is accept it...

[birdhouse]

I didn't want it to be closed. Thanks for re-opening it.

[birdhouse]

I agree DiggyDot. He came up with all of these absolute decisions after his interview with the doctor he will be working for who told him that he and his wife of 14 years are divorced and that she wants to get back together and he told her that if she spends a year alone finding herself, they can get back together. So now my DrH thinks this is a good idea. I guess he doesn't see that the doctor has an ulterior motive that if my husband is not distracted by relationship stuff, he will bust his butt for the practice.

[MsSassyBaskets]

"Be an ass" is right... That's not an introversion/extroversion problem. Lots of people would like to take vacations from their lives and sit around being lazy for a few months. Life doesn't work that way. He made a commitment, and he needs to man up and be a husband and father, or admit that he's not willing.

ETA - Sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh. I'm angry for you - his behavior and his attitude is not OK. I agree with the others that separation is not the answer - it sounds one-sided and like it would only benefit him. It sounds like he wants his freedom and isn't willing to admit it. I hope for your sake that he might be willing to try therapy.

[Phoebe]

I would not take what your husband is saying at face value. He wants to shirk responsibilities and let them fall on you like it has for years. He is making excuses. That's fine if he is introverted and needs to decompress playing some video games. Doing it for a year of your marriage and your children's lives is unacceptable. If he had time to devote to an "emotional relationship" outside of your marriage, then he has time for counseling. Don't buy his BS. Decide what you want. Don't wait around for him to cuddle up with a video game controller. That's heading down the wrong path. In the meantime, we have your back.

[diggitydot]

"Be an ass" is right... That's not an introversion/extroversion problem. Lots of people would like to take vacations from their lives and sit around being lazy for a few months. Life doesn't work that way. He made a commitment, and he needs to man up and be a husband and father, or admit that he's not willing.

Word.

I get the introvert thing and him needing some quiet time to recharge, but that doesn't get to come at the expense of the entire family. There is nothing wrong with him taking 30 minutes of quiet time after he gets home from work and then joining in the normal activities. Being an introvert isn't an excuse to insulate yourself from your family. I'm an introvert and I get it, truly, but he is losing sight of the forest for the trees. And I'm a HORRIBLE introvert. I don't like people, period. I love my sister, but she is a stereotypical extrovert. Even just the thought of being around her for any significant amount of time makes my asshole pucker.

The more information you give us, the more I'm wondering if he's afraid of... something. I don't know what. Failure? Some people self-sabotage and create what they fear most. This is where counseling would be really helpful. Getting down to brass tacks so you all have the relevant information with which to base your decisions would make everyone's lives a shit ton easier. I get the impression that he maybe doesn't entirely know what he wants and is perhaps taking advice from a biased source. I dunno. I just wanna give you a hug. And maybe give him a good kick in the nuts...

[birdhouse]

Thanks for the advice, LilySayWhat. I am very well supported in the State of FL in which we are moving. My Father is a very successful lawyer and my DrH knows that if we divore, he will be paying out of the asshole. My fahter is VERY well connected. I am not at a point in which I am going to file, already have my own bank account with a good 65K saved, but he knows that I have it. (I have another 10k that he doesn't know about). I can take care of myself, I just do not think that it is fair that I have to spend my own money when I was the one supporting the family through residency. He said that he is fine with me moving to the same city and us just living separate initially. I do not really like that option because I can live 3 hours a way in my Mother's house that she does not live in (4 br, 2.5 baths, and a pool) and just pay maintenance costs versus living in a tiny apartment with 3 kids and paying out the ass in the same city as he is. Technically it is only 2 hours and a half, but it is all the same to me. It isn't like we can see him every other day. His plan is to come every other weekend. I guess I could bring the kids to him on the alternate weekends depending on his work schedule.

He really adores his kids, which is what surprises me about this whole situation. I do not believe he realizes how much he will miss them.

[Michele]

My ex would come home and ignore us too. He was depressed and blamed me and the kids. It got ugly. Now that he is properly medicated and has been in therapy for a year, he's better....but ultimately I wasn't going to wait around to see if he could become the man I deserved. And I'm glad I didn't wait because he still isn't. And he's likely never going to be.

My ex never fully fessed up re: affairs. I don't intend to be harsh, but I don't believe either of you regarding the physicality of the affairs. But I agree with HoW that it really doesn't matter at this point. You either need to agree to try to work through it, or you don't. A year separation such as you've described will just be prolonging the divorce and will muddy the waters a lot. And if he's depressed and a big spender like my ex, it could cost you. You don't want to be separating credit card bills that he charged fancy dinners to impress dates with. Because he will do it. And he will claim they are drug/practice dinners. And I didn't want to hear these things about two years ago when I was there. Trust me. I didn't want to believe that my life had come to this. But it had. And through the AMAZING support of this group, I made it through.

There are some on this site that have worked through affairs. They probably won't say anything. But know they exist!!! And it can be done. But from their experiences I know that it takes a lot of hard work and both people have to be willing to put forth the effort. It can't be one sided.

Hugs. Lots of hugs.

[Pollyanna]

I would not take what your husband is saying at face value. He wants to shirk responsibilities and let them fall on you like it has for years. He is making excuses. That's fine if he is introverted and needs to decompress playing some video games. Doing it for a year of your marriage and your children's lives is unacceptable. If he had time to devote to an "emotional relationship" outside of your marriage, then he has time for counseling. Don't buy his BS. Decide what you want. Don't wait around for him to cuddle up with a video game controller. That's heading down the wrong path. In the meantime, we have your back.

Exactly this. And now he is partnering up with another selfish bastard in his work life? There are plenty of introverted husbands that manage to be good husbands and fathers. He sounds like someone that has already checked out. I am so sorry. I would encourage you to try and work on your marriage (if he is willing) but at the same time get your legal ducks in a row to protect yourself and your children.

To what Alacrity suggested, try and get him to go on a Retrouvaille weekend. http://www.retrouvaille.org/pages.php?page=2
It is sponsored by the Catholic Church but it is for all couples no matter what their faith. It's for couples at the end of the line so to speak. Those that are struggling with big issues. Maybe if you can't get regular counseling you can get him to go on a weekend.

Big hugs to you

[birdhouse]

DiggyDot,
You have really hit it on the head. He has dealt with a lot of failure and I recently asked him if he was self-sabatoging and he agreed that he thinks he may be. He said he feels like he is finally at the end of this road and his dreams are coming true and he is afraid that he might not be able to rise to the occassion. He has had some depression issues through residency and is taking an anti-depressant. He recently also told me he was considering adding another mood-stabilizer.
I know that he feels REALLY conflicted. He has literally gone from I want to separate to I can't stand the thought of letting you go in the same day. This has been going on for several months. It wasn't until his conversation with the new BOSS that he gave me a definitive decision. He also did it while he is away in FL and not home. In his some-what defense, I backed him into a corner and made hiim discuss it when he said he really wanted to take some time to think.

[diggitydot]

There are plenty of introverted husbands that manage to be good husbands and fathers. He sounds like someone that has already checked out.

A-yup. My dude is pretty introverted and he's incredibly involved and engaged in the family. Being an introvert is not a valid excuse for shutting out your spouse and children.