The medical marriage/relationship: what works

[PrincessFiona]

Thought this might be fun. I'm in school with some women that are ten years younger than I am and who have been married only a handful of years. I happened to mention that I will be married 20 years in March and the group at the table stopped talking, turned to me and asked "What is your secret?"


I was a little caught off guard, so my answer was incomplete. I said "spending time talking every day, a sense of humor and acceptance of each other's differences".

I actually feel like Thomas and I love each other unconditionally and that this helps us to weather any storms that come up. Of course, that doesn't mean our marriage is perfect Far from it. But ... I hope we grow old together.

What is your secret for success?


Kris

[diggitydot]

Our secret? Low expectations. That way, we're pleasantly surprised when something nice happens and not disappointed when shit inevitably hits the fan.

[PrincessFiona]

That's a good one!

[JDAZ11]

Our secret? Low expectations. That way, we're pleasantly surprised when something nice happens and not disappointed when shit inevitably hits the fan.

I take this approach too. It worked really well for me for awhile.

Unfortunately, I think this always expect the worst attitude has really crept into other aspects of my life the past few years. I've become an ultra pessimistic person. And it's not healthy. DH recently commented that he's so sorry that he "did this to me." Which I don't think is true, but his career has certainly made me well practiced In The art of not expecting much.

So just be careful not to go too far with this attitude.

[diggitydot]

Oh, I'm a cynical bitch, but still pretty laid back. I think it helps our marriage that we both have pretty long fuses with each other, for the most part. We may lack patience elsewhere, but we have a ton for each other.

[corn poffi]

We also have lowish expectations. We never assume that we will have time for each other or that he'll be able to make it to social events. However, when we do get to spend time together, we try to at least make the most of it!

[MsSassyBaskets]

It's funny, I actually think having high expectations works well for us. Not high expectations for the medical lifestyle, but high expectations for our responsibilities to one another. We both push each other to achieve as highly as we can, work toward the kind of life that we want, and set aside quality time and attention for one another. You will rarely hear me complain that DH has disappointed me in some way, because we both work hard to meet each other's standards. On the other hand, for things out of our control -- low expectations for sure!

[Deebs]

We realize that everyone goes through periods where things aren't working or a couple doesn't like each other, but making it through those times is the difference. We also laugh at ourselves and our life - a lot.


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[peggyfromwastate]

For me it's taking the long view. We are coming up on 15 years marriage. Marriage is not easy. We have been through highs and lows... And sometimes the low can last over a year. Or longer. And sometimes the high is only a few weeks in between two lows...

It's a commitment. It's not about being happy all the time. It's a give and take. Rarely will he and I be giving to each other the same amount. Sometimes I have nothing left and he will pick up the slack. And vice versa.

I also respect that we have a long history together and this is something to cherish.

I know several long marriages that have ended. People who say, "we are still good friends. I just don't love him that way anymore." This keeps me humble. I know that divorce can happen to us... So I feel pushed and motivated to actively do things to better our relationship. Right now we are working through a marriage book. It's just something we can do to focus on this relationship--- bc life has us so distracted and fragmented that without a concrete something to "do" we will lose touch. It sucks being in the lows... But I think it's better to be there knowing ultimately he's in my corner.

[peggyfromwastate]

Oh and Kris--- I get this question from time to time. I am never poised with a good answer.

I usually say: "marriage is really hard. It just is. Just stick to it."


They are thinking maybe the secret is a special spaghetti sauce recipe or a line of lingerie. Lol.

[ballibeg]

I honestly feel the most important thing is to have a lack of selfishness.

Dave

[diggitydot]

I honestly feel the most important thing is to have a lack of selfishness.

Dave

That's a very valid point. Few things build resentment like selfishness (from either party) in a relationship.

[SoonerTexan]

We've only been married 3.5 years but in 3 weeks we will have been together for 10.

One thing that's helps us is I chose this path as much as he did. I've been around since he was in HS and vaguely considering medicine...or dentistry! And thanks to doctor in laws and this site, for the most part we've expected the worst so far and largely been pleasantly surprised. Low expectations? Haha

We go through pissy periods too. We have some long standing issues we need to work on. I think it helps that I keep pushing to work on them and when push comes to shove, he does listen to me and care. He just occasionally needs a kick in the rear

[diggitydot]

We've been together for 14 years and still work on things. I think that's entirely normal and healthy.

[Vanquisher]

We've been married 17 years. He's my best friend. He's the one I want to share everything with. We've had some lows, to be sure, but mostly I couldn't imagine anyone else. We both try to show each other we love one another. We don't have an overarching secret, I think. We talk to each other.