The medical marriage/relationship: what works

[Deebs]

Saying, "we talk" just spurred something in me. I think DH and I have some of our toughest times when there is just NO time to get on the same page. This month, we're apart for twenty two days (long story, but between conferences and a heavy work month he just isn't really home in January). Even just having a few texts or emails to keep each other in the loop of daily life makes a big difference. We had one date this month- my birthday. Hopefully we'll have more pit me actually together next month. I realize we will have a readjustment period in Feb when he's home much more. But, yes to talking making a big difference!


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[PrincessFiona]

This is so interesting.

[GrayMatterWife]

Our secret? Low expectations. That way, we're pleasantly surprised when something nice happens and not disappointed when shit inevitably hits the fan.

This is exactly what we tell people. Low expectations. We are human. People laugh at this. I think they think we are joking.

Otherwise, my response is, "There was no other option." We committed to this before God, come hell or high water. Of course, divorce happens, even to the best of people and marriages, but we function from the baseline assumption that it is not an option for us. Honestly, I have never even thought about it. We have ups and downs, but I have never wanted out.

Sometimes I add, "And what would the alternate game plan be? To marry somebody else? Have you met us? Who would put up with either of us? This is the best option for us both."

Not jokingly…

we do not:

1. Cheat on each other.
2 Abuse alcohol.
3. Engage in physical abuse.
4. Engage in emotional abuse.
5. Hide money or money issues from each other.
6. Withhold sex punitively.
7. Allow the kids to manipulate the marriage.
8. Live in each other's shadows.

We do:

1. Pray together.
2. Attend church together.
3. Have sex at least once a week (try for more, but we are REALLY tired…a lot!).
4. Have our own interests, separate and apart from each other.
5. Apologize and forgive.

[alison]

I'm honestly good if dh gives me a foot massage. And I know that if I make spaghetti bolognese, the man is more than happy. Seriously, for us it's the little things we do for each other...

[Thirteen]

Hmmmm. I do the majority of errands/bill pay/domestic duties/child rearing, and he works crazy hours, 6 days a week, and makes the money.

We have some shared interests, but also like alone time. It's not uncommon for us to do our own thing nightly for about an hour, and then go "check on the other person".

I think open communication and honesty go a long way - a huge problem for us is the timing of this, but we have improved a lot since the beginning.

I agree with GMW about prayer, church, and sex. We try to be equally yoked in our marriage, even though our roles are different (and, one of us may put on more work than the other person, from time to time).

Sometimes, I ask for help and he can't help me. It's nice to be able to outsource, now with attendinghood.

I also recommend regular dates or trips alone - we are just starting to work on this, and it is evident that we need to make it a priority.


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[spaz]

What makes a medical marriage work???

1. It helps if the two people are on the same page/ have the same values.
2. I think the spouse of a doctor needs to be pretty independent. If you expect him to meet all of your needs you will be disappointed.
3. I like him. He is the nicest guy on the planet. He never raises his voice. He genuinely cares about his patients and about his family.
4. For us, we are so much alike that there isn't much to fight about. Neither of us likes conflict either. We both genuinely care about each other .

It seems that we are both at the stage that we wonder if the medicine part was worth all of the sacrifices we both made. We are both looking forward to being retired and enjoying being married and actually home with each other...

[houseelf]

Honestly? I feel like I can only answer this question by referring to a scene in one of the Lethal Weapon movies where the cop (Mel Gibson) goes to the top of a building to talk a potential suicide jumper down from the roof. He gets all crazy eyed and cuffs himself to the would-be jumper :"You wanna jump? Hell Yeah! let's do it! If you're going, I am too!"

I'm kind of joking, but I'm kind of not. We've had some bad years. Yes, I said years. We've not always done the right thing and often we've failed to put the marriage first. We've both been selfish and justifiably angry. That stuff all comes home to roost. Whatever you keep messing up, the universe keeps bringing back to you until you get it right. We've grown exponentially. We've been through so much together. Honestly, we're just damn tenacious.

We also had to figure out what was right "for us". We're never going to be that buddy/buddy couple who shops and cooks together and chats all night long. I love my husband, but we work best when we do our own thing and come back to each other energized. I really loved going out to girls' night for yoga and the new vegan restaurant in town. He loves hanging out with sweaty guys in a hockey rink. Viva la difference! We have opened each other's world up and try not to hold each other back.

I'm not sure that there is an easy three prong answer to this. Believe me, I would have read it and applied it. As lame as it may be, keep on keeping on.

[spaz]

I'm with ST on medicine being OUR choice. It sucks, being in the trenches, never seeing each other, having your best friend physically and mentally past exhaustion, raising kids alone (I'm not equating it to being a single parent, but it's still no fun). However, things will get better (let me dream ), and this is the path that our family is on, that will bring the most fulfillment to DH, and that will allow us to do the things we want.




Wife of a PGY-4 Orthopod

Yeah see that is EXACTLY what we both thought and what I would have said at your age... ( I'm also married to an orthopod.) and now here we are at nearly 50 and it hasn't brought fulfillment to him.. How has this lifestyle allowed us to do what we want???? It has prevented both him and me from doing what we want.. sigh...

[ballibeg]

I listen to Spaz's experience and it rattles me. We're very kid focussed but the rural job my OH loves means reduced opportunities for the kids and I. No gymnastics club for youngest. No athletics for middle daughter who had real aptitude and no job for me outside the work I create for myself on the farm.

Medicine may not be the big liberator we once dreamed. It may instead be the biggest millstone around our necks.

Dave

[Vanquisher]

Medicine may not be the big liberator we once dreamed. It may instead be the biggest millstone around our necks.

It definitely is a millstone around our necks. I don't know that I ever thought it would bring liberty of any kind. Maybe financial? However, I had no idea medicine would be pulling us under water in nearly every aspect of our life.

[Pollyanna]

We really like each other I mean we don't need much other than to take a drive together, watch a show, simple stuff. We still hold hands , say "I love you" many times a day, sit close at mass (until dd1 makes a break for the altar).

We also fall in the camp of divorce not being an option. BUT we are not arrogant enough to think it couldn't happen to us if we don't continue to work on our relationship. It can happen to anyone.

I'm not a nagging wife, he is supportive of me and regularly says that me keeping things on track allows him the freedom to work.

I don't think we have a medical marriage, we simply have a marriage. We wake up in the morning thinking of the other person. What would make their day better. Actually, that is probably our secret. I don't need to consider my needs because I know he does and the same goes for him. I don't sit around seething if he didn't take out the trash because I take time to understand what's going on with him, he doesn't get upset if the house is a mess and we're on day three of pizza because he gets what it's like to care for children.

For us, it wasn't medicine but our marriage that was the dream.

[Pollyanna]

We're getting there over here. It is so hard right now because we both have unmet needs, we both know it, but we lack the resources to fix it (whether it's time, money, childcare, being better rested). Thank you for verbalizing this - we need to step up our "work", I think


Wife of a PGY-4 Orthopod

I think that's totally normal. Both dh and I have needs that don't get met but in reality they are lots of times wants not really needs. Either way, it's easier to accept because you both are on the same page to achieve them for each other.

[spaz]

I would like to take some of this topic and address it on the Marriage forum... Pollyanna I'm going to quote part of your post from above to kick it off..

[OrionGrad]

I agree with so much of what has been posted here. First and foremost I think the biggest secret to success is picking the right person to be with. DH is an amazing husband and father, and I really could not ask for anything more. Like a few others have said, we went into this lifestyle together and we've always been a team. We've also had great relationship role models in our parents, who've showed us that marriages take a lot of work. I have high expectations for DH and he has always met them, but I'm also cognizant of his limitations as far is work is concerned and I take that into consideration.

[Curegirl]

Even when things are difficult, we challenge yet encourage each other. We keep growing and I know that he is my biggest supporter and I am his. Medicine has brought out some not so nice sides of ourselves but these are facets of ourselves that we'd never show other people, which is good in a sucky way since we trust each other. I've learned patience and kindness the likes I never thought I could possess and which I never thought I'd receive. It's a good thing I'm freakishly independent because I can't imagine what life would be like as the clingy partner of someone whose job affects so many aspects of life.