Preventing Med Spouse burnout

[Sheherezade]

About the taking time to do nothing and just playing. I struggle with feeling guilty. He is on call and I'm at home playing a game with the kids, going to a movie with them or taking a hot bath and having fun... He even admits that he is really jealous and feels like he works his tail off and we get to have all of the fun... He hates it and wishes he could just stay home with us!! He feels like he is just the money maker.

YES. This is a big problem for those of us in Type A medical marriages. Probably the lot of us.

Reflecting on your other post about weekend away spaz, I realize that your household has developed to the point where it runs like a well oiled machine. You are efficient! Ours too. I think when you get very busy, it overwhelms you but eventually you figure out a system that works. Then, you stick to that system. Years later, it seems like you're stuck on some treadmill but it's hard to step off it because it keeps the system moving smoothly.

I often wonder if this isn't why "keeping the Sabbath" rules are built in to Orthodox Judaism. When we lived in Brookline MA in a heavily Orthodox area, I was always a little curious how turning away from lots of types of "work" one day a week would affect our family. Seems to me that scheduled UNscheduled time or enforced day of rest might be very very wise. We all spend too much time being efficient and we don't realize that there are intangible benefits we are losing through that very efficiency.


Angie

[Ladybug]

I often wonder if this isn't why "keeping the Sabbath" rules are built in to Orthodox Judaism. When we lived in Brookline MA in a heavily Orthodox area, I was always a little curious how turning away from lots of types of "work" one day a week would affect our family. Seems to me that scheduled UNscheduled time or enforced day of rest might be very very wise. We all spend too much time being efficient and we don't realize that there are intangible benefits we are losing through that very efficiency.


Angie

I've thought about this a lot too. It would be hard to enforce without shifting a lot of other work (stress) onto other days. That means my family is doing more than is healthy or was ever intended IMO.

[WolfpackWife]

In reflecting on what spaz says about her husband feeling awful that he's "just the moneymaker" and misses out on fun stuff with kids...I can't help but wonder:

DH sometimes becomes completely burned out with studying and is genuinely unhappy. He misses out on stuff that he wants to do - I know this will only increase tenfold throughout training and even after. I've noticed that I've started to develop a little bit of a defense mechanism that is "well, I'm going to keep doing what I need to do to stay sane, this was your choice and we both knew it was going to suck sometimes". I know that sounds awful and insensitive, but is it so wrong to shield yourself from feeling guilty that you're enjoying time with your children or friends, knowing your husband is missing out? Life is all about choices, and they've all chosen to do what they really want to do and love - and I'd argue that most of the spouses here really love their jobs and wouldn't want to do something else (at least from what I've heard - I know some situations suck but the common thread is they actually really like practicing medicine, and that's why they chose it), so is it a fair sentence to give yourself as the spouse of a doctor to be wracked with guilt when you know you're enjoying activities with kids and friends and family and your spouse can't participate?

Being a doctor takes a certain type of person, IMO, and I think being that kind of person means you actually get true fulfillment out of your job. Not everyone gets that out of their chosen career or whatever career they find themselves in. I understand that in no way does that mean there shouldn't be any regret or wishful thinking when a spouse is missing out on "the fun stuff" for their kids and families, but to constantly feel guilty about it yourself...I don't think anyone's spouse would want that for them.

So that's why sometimes, I actually feel bad that I *don't* feel bad for DH when he's bogged down with studying and can't enjoy this event or that day off or whatever. I figure...it all comes with the territory, right? I still constantly wish he could be there, but I think maybe I'm trying to prepare myself for further disappointment when he inevitably misses important things that have to do with either my or our hypothetical children. I mean, it's just going to happen. I wouldn't think that he'd rather me *not* do anything fun with our hypothetical children just so he wouldn't feel bad and like he's missing out.

I don't know, I'm just rambling now...it seems like there must be a balance somewhere in understanding that a spouse will feel jealous and left out, but also that this was their choice for their life and you can't waste yours feeling guilty. But then again I'm pretty new to all this marriage and medicine so maybe I should just shut up.

[MAPPLEBUM]

In reflecting on what spaz says about her husband feeling awful that he's "just the moneymaker" and misses out on fun stuff with kids...I can't help but wonder:

DH sometimes becomes completely burned out with studying and is genuinely unhappy. He misses out on stuff that he wants to do - I know this will only increase tenfold throughout training and even after. I've noticed that I've started to develop a little bit of a defense mechanism that is "well, I'm going to keep doing what I need to do to stay sane, this was your choice and we both knew it was going to suck sometimes". I know that sounds awful and insensitive, but is it so wrong to shield yourself from feeling guilty that you're enjoying time with your children or friends, knowing your husband is missing out? Life is all about choices, and they've all chosen to do what they really want to do and love - and I'd argue that most of the spouses here really love their jobs and wouldn't want to do something else (at least from what I've heard - I know some situations suck but the common thread is they actually really like practicing medicine, and that's why they chose it), so is it a fair sentence to give yourself as the spouse of a doctor to be wracked with guilt when you know you're enjoying activities with kids and friends and family and your spouse can't participate?

Being a doctor takes a certain type of person, IMO, and I think being that kind of person means you actually get true fulfillment out of your job. Not everyone gets that out of their chosen career or whatever career they find themselves in. I understand that in no way does that mean there shouldn't be any regret or wishful thinking when a spouse is missing out on "the fun stuff" for their kids and families, but to constantly feel guilty about it yourself...I don't think anyone's spouse would want that for them.

So that's why sometimes, I actually feel bad that I *don't* feel bad for DH when he's bogged down with studying and can't enjoy this event or that day off or whatever. I figure...it all comes with the territory, right? I still constantly wish he could be there, but I think maybe I'm trying to prepare myself for further disappointment when he inevitably misses important things that have to do with either my or our hypothetical children. I mean, it's just going to happen. I wouldn't think that he'd rather me *not* do anything fun with our hypothetical children just so he wouldn't feel bad and like he's missing out.

I don't know, I'm just rambling now...it seems like there must be a balance somewhere in understanding that a spouse will feel jealous and left out, but also that this was their choice for their life and you can't waste yours feeling guilty. But then again I'm pretty new to all this marriage and medicine so maybe I should just shut up.

I suppose it depends on the person. With my husband, if he wasn't doing medicine he would be doing something else that would run him ragged. He simply doesn't know how to stop. The whole martyr complex just seems to be an extension of his self absorption. He forfeited my sympathy when I started doing everything short of wiping his ass. I'd personally like to hear a little less "woe is me" and a little more gratitude for how I keep our lives together.

I can't tell you how many times he's come home from working all day, all night, with maybe 2-4 hours of sleep, and then all day again and goes straight to a bar to shoot pool with his buddies. It's fine if he wants to do that, I don't mind going out in the middle of the week, but as soon as he's home he starts back with the "I'm soooo exxhhhaauuusstteeed". no shit.

[WolfpackWife]

The whole martyr complex just seems to be an extension of his self absorption. He forfeited my sympathy when I started doing everything short of wiping his ass. I'd personally like to hear a little less "woe is me" and a little more gratitude for how I keep our lives together.

Yeah that's the thing - I just think that kind of stuff (when it's in a serious way, I know sometimes they can act that way with a healthy dose of mirth) isn't fair to the spouse or themselves. It already sucks for everyone involved that your schedule is so demanding and you're not around for stuff...why make it worse? Isn't the perk here that you're doing exactly what you set out to do, i.e. have achieved all your goals to get yourself where you are? How many people can say that?

[Cleave]

I think it's hard to know what will make you feel fulfilled, hard to identify what you need to be "filled up." I am practicing gratitude, and it helps. I also am practicing doing what I need, and letting less important (but perhaps more 'pressing') things slide. I have failed a lot at this, but this month, the last few months, I have been better. I need exercise, a minimum of three days a week. I need social contact (extrovert here), which means going out with friends and leaving hubs (or a good friend) with kids. I need time to do work that is fulfilling as well as the work that pays the bills. it took me a long time to sort out just how important those things were and then adjust my life to make them happen. And I don't always succeed at banking them happen, even now that I know what I need. And of course, what I need changes over time...

I've asked the hubs to think also about the things that make him feel restored -- a night out at a club listening to big band music does wonders for him, for example, but he doesn't want to take the night out because we are all so pressed for time and have so little family time. But I've learned (the hard way) how much better we both are -- to each other, to the kids, to our selves -- when we get what we need. Not everything we need all the time, but when we get something we need regularly, we are better people.

It's hard to do -- to remember what we need, to give it to ourselves, even in small doses, in the face of the overwhelming demands we face. But it's so much better when we manage. A little bit goes a long way. We fail at this often. And then we try again. And fail. And try. And well, you know...

[MAPPLEBUM]

I think it's hard to know what will make you feel fulfilled, hard to identify what you need to be "filled up." I am practicing gratitude, and it helps. I also am practicing doing what I need, and letting less important (but perhaps more 'pressing') things slide. I have failed a lot at this, but this month, the last few months, I have been better. I need exercise, a minimum of three days a week. I need social contact (extrovert here), which means going out with friends and leaving hubs (or a good friend) with kids. I need time to do work that is fulfilling as well as the work that pays the bills. it took me a long time to sort out just how important those things were and then adjust my life to make them happen. And I don't always succeed at banking them happen, even now that I know what I need. And of course, what I need changes over time...

I've asked the hubs to think also about the things that make him feel restored -- a night out at a club listening to big band music does wonders for him, for example, but he doesn't want to take the night out because we are all so pressed for time and have so little family time. But I've learned (the hard way) how much better we both are -- to each other, to the kids, to our selves -- when we get what we need. Not everything we need all the time, but when we get something we need regularly, we are better people.

It's hard to do -- to remember what we need, to give it to ourselves, even in small doses, in the face of the overwhelming demands we face. But it's so much better when we manage. A little bit goes a long way. We fail at this often. And then we try again. And fail. And try. And well, you know...

yes.

beautifully said.