It will all be worth it...

[peggyfromwastate]

DH wouldn't do it again. He doesn't think the rewards have outweighed the costs. Surgery will slowly crush your soul, but you can't explain that to someone else. It just looks too shiny from the outside to be true.

Granted, my dh isn't in his full attending hood yet... But he has said this numerous times. He basically missed 11 years of life-- we call this effect the medical bubble. He's always focused on work, and has little emotional energy left for anything else. In addition, Surgery is weighty, and the cases with bad outcomes still eat away at him and always will.

While he's been immersed in the medical bubble, his 3 oldest kids have grown up, and his young son has seen him become short-tempered and exhausted. Too exhausted. Only our youngest seems to be unscathed... He has a great relationship with her, but this just spawns all sorts of resentment from the other kids.

So neither he nor I think it was worth it. And the future of medicine looks like crap so I don't even think there will be money by the time dh can get out of the military.

[poky]

WPW, I don't think anybody's saying it doesn't get better at all, and that there aren't good times, just that despite it getting better, it hasn't really been worth it, overall for them; they might make different choices if they had it to do over again - the relief and pride don't make up for the missed years and physical and emotional toll that training took, for them. And most of those saying that went through surgery training, not medicine specialties, it seems like. We're not out of training, so I can't really say for us, but I daresay it will have been worth it for us. We're in kindof a unique situation, though, that makes training not all that difficult, so post-training will have less to make up for.

[Pollyanna]

WPW, you should recognize that those of us who would say it was "worth it" likely won't answer the question so the results you see here are a bit off. Don't take it to heart. That is why I said it's an impossible question to answer and IMHO a silly question to ask. If I go on about how we'd do it all over again it will rub some folks the wrong way. If I say, " no way, wasn't worth it" I will get pats on the back because misery loves company but at the same time folks like yourself will find the response discouraging. Again, it's simply an impossible question to answer in this type of setting. Sitting down one on one with your spouse or another couple the discussion can be complete. Here, not so much.

So don't take it to heart. For some the journey wasn't worth it. For dh and I we wouldn't change a single day or decision. But this is our life, it doesn't make our journey better. Our journey, our marriage, our personalities, how we approach life is different, as is every couple. Our vocation is to the married life. His mission is medicine and mine is motherhood. I don't think the question should be "is it worth it" but rather " how do we make it worth it" (but that will piss people off).

[HouseofWool]

I think you also have to keep in mind that this is a group of people that is self-selecting and our membership intrinsically skews towards those who have had a difficult run of things. You don't find people in a support group if things are going well and it is sunshine and rainbows coming out of their asses.

[OrionGrad]

I tend not to respond to threads like this because I feel like maybe we haven't been in the trenches long enough for me to have the same perspective as some other members on the board. But from my perspective right now (having been through med school and now 4/5ths of the way through residency) I still have a very positive outlook. DH is in a surgical specialty, but we specifically chose this program because quality of life was very important to us. Maybe that's what makes my experience different from others. The first few years of residency were rough, but it has gotten better as the years have gone by. Having a child has made it harder, but not unbearable. In general, I'm much more likely to post on here when I'm complaining than when I have good things to say. But there are lots and lots of good things that happen in our lives (work related and not) every day. For one thing, I love how passionate DH is when he's talking about what he did at work each day. It wouldn't be like that if he was in a job he didn't love. While I really appreciate this board because everyone is so candid, it's important to remember that every situation is unique. But from my perspective in where we're at right now, I would definitely say that the path we've taken in medicine has definitely been worth it so far.

[corn poffi]

i tend not to respond to threads like this because i feel like maybe we haven't been in the trenches long enough for me to have the same perspective as some other members on the board. But from my perspective right now (having been through med school and now 4/5ths of the way through residency) i still have a very positive outlook. Dh is in a surgical specialty, but we specifically chose this program because quality of life was very important to us. Maybe that's what makes my experience different from others. The first few years of residency were rough, but it has gotten better as the years have gone by. Having a child has made it harder, but not unbearable. In general, i'm much more likely to post on here when i'm complaining than when i have good things to say. But there are lots and lots of good things that happen in our lives (work related and not) every day. For one thing, i love how passionate dh is when he's talking about what he did at work each day. It wouldn't be like that if he was in a job he didn't love. While i really appreciate this board because everyone is so candid, it's important to remember that every situation is unique. But from my perspective in where we're at right now, i would definitely say that the path we've taken in medicine has definitely been worth it so far.

ita

[Sheherezade]

Here's my take. Medical training and the paying your dues attitude sets you up to think that there is a destination. In the end, you will have made it past any struggles and it will be great. That isn't true - for medicine or anything, I think. There will always be politics, bad jobs, bad hours, and stressful patients. What makes it better is you have more control over your situation as you move along. In training, you are stuck. You have to just deal, usually. Later, if your job sucks you can make changes. This might be stressful in itself - less money, family moving, whatever. At least you have some choice though.

There will always be struggles and hard times, though. Sometimes, that's a shock and it seems so unfair after the road to get there.

I think the answer to "is it worth it" probably varies from year to year with your current situation.

[Chrisada]

It will all be worth it...

Exactly to what Pollyanna said. I often feel like I'm in the minority here honestly because I'm not constantly saying how much medicine sucks. We chose this and worked pretty damn hard to get it. We chose to take out loans. We chose to have kids and barely scrape buy. And honestly, there are lots of professions where people are putting in doctor hours and not seeing their families often. I don't feel like a martyr because my husband is a physician. Not saying others here do, but I've gotten that vibe from doctor wives before. It is what it is. We are not ruled by medicine. DH is always a father and husband first. He's good at leaving the job at work for the most part. He's a physician, but it's a job. Our family is not defined by this. He won't even wear scrubs in public and doesn't tell people what he does. We're OBGYN so have the surgery and crappy hours BTW.


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[PrincessFiona]

Was it worth it?

Yes. For us. Should I duck?

I wouldn't always have said that, but now .. 12 years out, dh has full control over his schedule. He takes Zoe to dance every week. He is home almost every weekend. We gave up the bright lights/big city for a more family-friendly location and in the long run it has paid off. Yes, I'm really saying this!

Thomas and I are happy with where we are in life and with the opportunities our choices have given us. I wish we hadn't missed out on those years of training, but we have each other again now. DH says if he had it to do over again, he wouldn't choose medicine, and he doesn't recommend it to the kids ... but we're settled, life is good, and we wouldn't trade our lives now for anything.

Kris

[Chrisada]

It will all be worth it...

I'll add, my children miss their father at times. He works a lot. But, they know he works to provide for them. And he still spends quality time with them. They go to football games etc, he takes our oldest to Boy Scouts. But I have a lot of friends whose DH's are not doctors and these guys are traveling for weeks at a time, or are leaving at 4:30 in the morning. I have a friend with two small children, whose husband was only home for the weekends for two solid years straight.


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[Pollyanna]

. I have a friend with two small children, whose husband was only home for the weekends for two solid years straight.
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I have a friend just like this. Interestingly her husband gave up going to medical school for a stable job that provided family time. That job became ten years of M-F travel and two years of no job at all. They would say giving up medical school wasn't worth it. Everyone just comes at this question from a different perspective.

[migirl]

Worth it for us, too, I'd say. We had a relatively benign training experience (even despite the surgical subspecialty), so - like Poky said - there wasn't a lot to make up for once he finished with training.

He has a reasonable amount of control over his schedule (home for dinner, weekends off (when he's not on call), able to attend kids' stuff during the day on occasion), which is more than I can say for some of my friends' husbands. He's fulfilled by his work and - yep, I'm going to say it - the money's good.

DH would probably tell you that he wouldn't choose this path again (although I have no idea what he would do instead), but we're happy and settled and doing just fine!

[Phoebe]

I answered my husband said it wasn't worth it. I was generalizing because what I asked him was would he do this again, not was it worth it. He said he wouldn't do it again after what he has been through. Pre-80 work week and 10 years at a toxic attending job.

[WolfpackWife]

I deleted my previous posts because I felt like I sounded hasty and my comments inane - but it's interesting the responses to "would you choose medicine again"? Obviously DH has no answer yet, but my uncle has said he would choose medicine again - he just wouldn't choose emergency medicine.


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[Ladybug]

DH wouldn't do it again because it's all-consuming. We're luck(ier) in that he does get home usually around 6:30. He hits the ground running. He helps cook dinners and bath kids. He makes breakfast each morning. But here's the kicker. He's already been up since 2 or 3 a.m. dictating charts. Almost.every.single.morning. You have no idea this is happening during residency because you don't have to do it. EVERY WEEKEND at least half, usually more, of his weekend is spent dictating charts at the dining table. Every time we try to ski or do something he ends up on the phone with patients. It's not the end of the ski trip, but mentally you're always tied to that phone and waiting for the other shoe to drop. You're never "off" as an attending the way you can be as a resident with hours restrictions. He's sick of charting. He's never played golf or taken those guitar lessons. If he could go back he would create a healthier work-life balance.

Are we miserable? Good grief, of course not! We are grateful for the blessings of job stability, income, rewarding and meaningful work, but literally working around the clock can and will burn anyone out. If he could go back in time he would place a higher value on work-life balance than he did when he was a twenty something single guy making this choices.

Trust me, we make our lives worth it, and we don't love miserable company. We have a very healthy family and marriage. In fact, it's healthy and safe enough to share less-than-shiny experiences and reflections. There is no blame, not on each other or even medicine. But to completely overlook the costs, day, night and weekend, for decades on end is a perpetuation of a system that's inherently flawed. Suck-it-up-buttercup-because-it-could-be-worse is not an answer. It's oppressive, and it effetively shuts down all dialogue by shaming the other person for their "ingratitude." It's passive-aggressive BS.