Military to Medical Relationships

[JaSaAF]

Greetings all. First, let me start by saying that I just stumbled upon this site and have found it to pretty informative so far. A little about myself...I am a 33 year old active duty member of the Air Force, divorced father of a precious 5 year old little girl. I am in a happy, healthy long term relationship with a first year OB/GYN resident. I am hoping to find support/advice from other men and women in a similar situation. Living the military lifestyle for well over a decade, I had always assumed I understood what sacrificing time at home for work meant. I had my eyes opened to a new reality once her residency started. Medical school doesn't hold a candle to this. Since this is a relationship that we both want to go the distance, I'm trying to get creative in ways to handle the new changes. We both have unusual schedules since I fly for a living, but there's no question that hers is the most challenging to work with. There are days that lead me to question if her priorities are where she says they are. My "goodwill bank" with my bosses and colleagues is running low with the favors and compromises I've called in to get any time each other. I struggle trying to communicate my concerns with her because I sincerely want to support her and not add more stress to her life. I've yet to meet other couples that balance military and medical training demands. If there's anybody that would like to chime in, I'd love to hear others' takes on this.

[diggitydot]

Welcome to the group. We have several military peeps, so I'll let them chime in.

[MrsK]

Hi. So glad you are here.

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[Vanquisher]

That's a very difficult position to be in. I hope you have a very good support network nearby where you live. There are people on this site who work and have worked at demanding jobs while their spouse is in a demanding residency. I, myself, found it near-impossible to be a stay-at-home-parent during residency, and couldn't imagine having a boss on top of that to answer to. Some of the men and women who have made it work here have had very supportive bosses, and some have had to do crazy feats of inhuman capabilities juggling international travel with infants with a surgical resident spouse. All I know is, it's not possible without either an insanely flexible job/boss or without help (paid or otherwise).

Unfortunately, as I am sure you are learning, residents have no say in schedules, sick days, and spouses' job demands. It's brutal, and amazing to me that anyone can tackle parenthood, a demanding residency, AND a demanding full-time job on top of it all. Hats off to you, my friend. You have come to the right place.

So, if you don't have familial support nearby, I'd recommend and arsenal of flexible caregivers for your son. If you don't have that, let us know so we can help with ideas of where to start looking.

Also, is there a possibility of deployment for you whilst she is in residency? Oh, what another level of complexity!

Welcome! We hope to see you around a lot more! Post often, and welcome to the medical shitstorm!

[rainbabies]

Hello and welcome

[samssugarmomma]

Welcome!

[poky]

Welcome! You've come to the right place, and while I don't think we have any active members who are military themselves, as Heidi said we do have a few with demanding jobs that involve their own odd schedules and travel. Good to meet you, and I hope we can help. This kinda jumped out at me from your intro:

There are days that lead me to question if her priorities are where she says they are.

I'm assuming she just started her residency this month? I would cut her some slack while she gets her feet under her. Intern year can be *rough*. Keep the lines of communication open, and keep talking to her about priorities so she doesn't lose sight of what matters outside of work, but try to understand that she's probably in "survival mode", and while it's great to want to prioritize a relationship, it may be difficult to fit a lot of it in without someone else doing most of the work, until she starts to feel more confident and on top of things at work. It's all-consuming, but it doesn't have to be that way indefinitely, for sure. As long as you're understanding, but making it clear that you don't expect this to say this way forever, you should be OK.

[spaz]

To be honest, with those two professions it would be very, very tough. Each of those professions need a person to be the anchor and dependable one. There isn't one in your relationship. Not through either person's fault. But the military will make demands that you just have to do. You don't have a choice. I'm not sure what you mean about her "priorities." Residents have almost NO say in their schedule their first intern year. NONE. And her specialty will be demanding even when she is in her own practice. Who will watch your child when you are deployed and she has to deliver a baby in the middle of the night???

As someone mentioned, the only way this will work is if you have family nearby. Or some kind of caregiver. The only way. You are talking about 2 very demanding professions with little flexibility.

[MrsSz]

Welcome!! Demanding schedules and careers aside.. This really is an amazing place for support, commiseration and advice. We hope you stay around and join the conversation! Thank you for all you sacrifice for your job and for your service!

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

We juggle two careers (my husband is a resident and I'm a consultant). Obviously you're aware of the demands on the residents and I travel significantly for work. This usually means either FT + Overtime for our amazing nanny or sometimes I bring along my entourage as I call them - business trips with nanny plus the kids in tow. This is both expensive and incredibly stressful. A business trip can actually cost me hundreds of dollars between flights and extra hours, etc., to say nothing of the stress on me in literally never, ever getting a moment off the entire time we're away (when I'm not working, I'm giving the nanny time off that she needs).

That being said, my job is not the military and I'm not deployed. There's obviously no flexibility with deployment and obviously no way to take your children. I agree that it'll take some major, major advance planning (I'm the queen of lists) and some serious family/caregiver assistance. I do think it's possible but it's going to be tough and it's going to fall mostly to you. My husband is supportive but honestly, the logistics are all mine. He can't really be involved because a) he doesn't have the time and b) how involved can he be when I'm the one flying around with the kids, etc. But I'm guessing you probably have a plan for deployment anyway if you're a single Dad.

This feels worth it to me because he's my best friend and we need my income financially but there are a lot of days when I'm just completely wrung out by the end. There's (hopefully) an end in sight for me at the end of residency though. You guys may need to find a different compromise if you're planning on being career military (could one or both of you work half time? Or at least guarantee no deployment)? One tough thing for you guys is if you are told to move, you could end up far away from each other because neither of you can be flexible for the other - she will have residency and eventually a practice that she cannot just up and leave and obviously you're at the mercy of the military.

A lot to think about...but I don't think you have to do anything drastic. Except maybe start setting up childcare. And thinking about deployment.

[Ladybug]

Welcome! It will get better. You're in a tough year!

[JaSaAF]

Thank you all for the warm welcome and I appreciate everyone's input and advice. Let me just be clear, this isn't about placing blame on anyone, especially her. This also isn't about "cutting her some slack." I am 100% empathetic to the demands a job can place on the individual and those they care for. This is about being realistic and addressing issues before they become stumbling blocks or worse. I very rarely have the opportunity to tell my bosses "no" when I'm told it's time to step to the jet. That is, unless, I come to them with a solution that would help solve the problem. It also takes an awareness to recognize which battles to fight. I just don't subscribe to the notion that any job, medical, military, or otherwise, can ever take top billing over family all the time. I respect and admire medical professionals in all tracks and specialties since the demands they face are somewhat comparable to those dealt with by military. That is part of the reason I was drawn to her in the first place. I knew that she would understand. I certainly don't expect her to march into her residency director's office every time an inconvenient schedule gets put out. But I'm also not in the position to just go along for the ride for 4 years. Once I retire, I have no issues being a stay at home dad or having a part time second career. I'm not caught up in stereotypical gender roles. I just don't think that physicians in training get a blank check pass when it comes to prioritizing career over everything else. Career advancement and not "rocking the boat" aren't valid reasons to say the next four years are one sided. If I have to move before her residency is completed I'm in for long distance. We faced that leading up to Match Day. My daughter lives with her mom in another state so that is less of a concern until we decide to have our own children. I can look five steps ahead and am willing and committed to working through anything that gets tossed our way. Maybe it's my own professional experiences that are coloring my opinions, but in my world where my bosses have actual legal authority over me, I'm still able to find ways to make even small sacrifices at work to make sure she knows that she comes first when I have a say in it. This may be more of a rant to get things off my chest that I can't say in an uncensored way at home. I apologize for that.

[MsSassyBaskets]

Welcome! It sounds like you have a clear view of the challenges you are facing. Rant away, we get it.

[Ladybug]

Can you idenitify one small sacrifice that she can make and work towards that in good faith (eating take out at the hospital together for the three of you)?

[WolfpackWife]

Welcome! I have to say, reading your last post I have to agree with you; I have similar opinions and expectations about my husband's career and that it's not a pass to check out 100% from a personal life/family life every single time. That said, we're only in year 3 of medical school so I know I'll have some hard lessons to learn and will need to subscribe to more compromise than I currently do, but I think your expectations are valid, especially since it sounds like you're more than aware of the demands that come with her job, your job, and the future. Rant away, everyone here gets this situation and many more!