Military to Medical Relationships

[spaz]

You already have a son so in a way this may not matter, but if you do decide to continue the relationship you might think about this.

We purposely delayed having children until my husband was nearly through with residency and boy am I glad we did. Yes, medical school and residency were stressful but I was SO independent and had so many outside interest. It wasn't all that hard for me. I did not start resenting his hours until we had children when he started his practice. I was stuck. I eventually found a support network...

Anyway, I would delay children until she is well established in her career. Then, MAYBE she could find some kind of private practice where she could work half time... maybe?? ( I'm not sure how female docs do this, especially ones in a demanding field like OB or my husband's field. In fact, the only female orthopods I know are not married.

[Sheherezade]

I think the OP stated that he had a daughter but that she did not live with him. His primary concern was making it work as a couple, right? I think we've gotten sidetracked on childcare issues. I think many people can make two demanding professions work together as a couple; when kids enter the picture, you need to recalculate. Sounds like you aren't there yet, and who knows if you'll be out of the military then so why worry about that now?

My advice would be to discuss your expectations. You've clearly gotten the message that medicine is inflexible and unpredictable. Long term, as an attending, she can have more control. She can make choices about what type of practice she will have. There are options. You should discuss that stuff now if you want to look long term. Short term, I think you both just have to see yourselves as a "power couple" with serious responsibilities. Be flexible, be supportive but protect your limited committed time together with a vengeance.


Angie

[JaSaAF]

I certainly do appreciate everyone's input. Yes, the truth can be difficult sometimes but I wouldn't consider that being harsh. I just refuse to accept as fact that medicine as a profession is really all that unique. At the core of it, it's just a job. It certainly requires more than a lot of other jobs out there, but even that doesn't make it unique. There are countless professions that require as much skill, have impacts and consequences equal to or greater than medicine, accomplish more with fewer resources, and still manage to find a healthy balance between work and home life. So to say that there is something cultural that makes medicine different only feeds into a general narcissism that seems to be bred in the hospital. I'm all about people chasing their dreams, but that isn't even a representation of putting family first. From day one of my lengthy military career, I decided that I could make decisions that would allow me to excel but sometimes rock the boat a little to position myself to be there for my family. There are still instances that I don't have much say, just like medicine. However, I learned which battles to fight and what consequences I was willing to accept. It is in fact possible to tactfully make sacrifices at work to be a better husband, wife, father, or mother. If someone wants to put the job first, be it in the hospital, on the airplane, or in the courthouse, that's fine. I don't judge that choice. They can't pretend that they're doing it for the sake of the family though. I don't claim to have all the answers and I'm certainly not perfect. I am divorced after all. If a marriage couldn't work despite the professional sacrifices made at the time, I don't believe it's possible to have a healthy relationship if one person isn't willing to make the difficult decision to throw the yellow flag at work just because they don't want to make waves. The status quo won't be changed by one person overnight. It will take time for the medical fields to change a toxic culture. But I'm not willing to climb on the bandwagon and accept that it is a healthy, productive, or even efficient way of doing business. If you want to have a family, it needs to be número uno and work can take the other 99 positions. There will be times work has to come first but that shouldn't be the norm. I doubt I'll be haunting the forums anymore since it seems I've gotten all the information I need to see what a future would look like. I am very thankful for everyone taking the time to post and I wish you all nothing but the best.

[poky]

Right. You learned where the wiggle room was, and you learned how much you could rock the boat without sacrificing your career. Your SO hasn't yet; she just started.

Nobody's saying residency is healthy, efficient, or productive. But it is temporary. And it's essential if she wants to practice medicine.

[diggitydot]

Military to Medical Relationships

If a marriage couldn't work despite the professional sacrifices made at the time, I don't believe it's possible to have a healthy relationship if one person isn't willing to make the difficult decision to throw the yellow flag at work just because they don't want to make waves.

It's not an issue of not wanting to "make waves". It's an issue of losing a career before it even begins. I guarantee that most residents would rather spend their time with their loved ones over whatever crap is going on at work. It's not a matter of what they want. They have to graduate residency to get licensed and board certified in their chosen specialty to practice. If they piss off anyone higher on the food chain, that resident can be fired. Getting fired from a residency makes it very difficult to EVER finish training. Without that training, they have a really expensive and almost useless education. They can't work as a physician of any kind without successfully completing at least intern year.

This isn't about what they'd rather be doing. I guarantee they want to be with their peeps over everything else. Unfortunately, that isn't an option.

The status quo won't be changed by one person overnight. It will take time for the medical fields to change a toxic culture.

Good luck with that. Not going to happen. Loads of people have been fighting that shit for DECADES.

But I'm not willing to climb on the bandwagon and accept that it is a healthy, productive, or even efficient way of doing business.

Nothing about the medical industry is efficient, very little is productive, and a metric shit ton is unhealthy. Please believe, you're preaching to the choir here.

If you want to have a family, it needs to be número uno and work can take the other 99 positions. There will be times work has to come first but that shouldn't be the norm.

Family IS most med peep's first priority, but that doesn't mean they have the flexibility to drop work at a moments notice for every family-related reason. Some significant emergencies? Probably. Several family events? No. All family activities? NFW.

No matter what else is going on, hospitals need to be staffed. The resident has a sick kid? Oh, that sucks. Better find someone to stay with the kid, though, because mom or dad is on call and has a full service. There's a concert at 4pm and mom or dad is on-call until 7pm? Yeah, they're missing that concert. Most likely one of many that will be missed. Because people are sick and the doc covering that shift HAS to be there. It's not unheard of for docs to be treated in the ER for dehydration while sick themselves and STILL round on patients while dragging an IV rack behind them. They don't have flexibility. Yes, it's ridiculous. But that's reality in many programs.

As the significant other of a medical person, you learn to roll with the punches and be as flexible as possible because they don't have that ability. As much as my dude would love nothing more than to have made it to every parent-teacher conference, band concert, holiday program, or game while he was a resident, it's not possible. Period.

The qualities that all significant others of med peeps have in common are independence, flexibility, and the ability to adjust their expectations. If that isn't you, you may want to reconsider your position on those traits or reconsider your relationship.

I hope you and your GF find a happy middle ground that works for your relationship. I wish you both a long, happy, and fulfilling relationship where you can both find a way to get your needs met and find ways to meet each other's needs.

You are always welcome around here and I encourage you to post when shit gets weird and you need to vent. We truly get it and support you.

[Sheherezade]

There are two different pressures that you have to deal with as a physician: pressures related to a culture that's unfriendly to family (and yes, terribly narcissistic) and pressures related to patient care. You can fight the power on the culture, but the patient care one becomes a bit sticky later on.

I just discussed this with my husband recently. He has terminal patients. He also is the backup surgeon for ob/gyn emergencies, which means they call him when they are already operating and things have gone badly and they can't fix it. I've had birthday dinners interrupted by a call from the hospital with a young woman bleeding out after a delivery, and they can't stop the bleeding. My husband will drop everything and tell them he's 15 minutes away. How do you work around that? You can't. I remember realizing that I would have to choose between sometimes being second or turning in to the harpy screeching "I don't CARE if she was bleeding to death! It's my BIRTHDAY!" It's an awkward feeling. It's not everyday, but it does happen that your family will be put up against the actual life/death of a patient. That's hard and it isn't cultural.

This is why I say that choices have to be made about the type of practice and the type of medicine you will practice if you want a life balance. You have to minimize these true choices between family and life/death patient care. For us, I've more or less made my peace with it. I remember some HARD moments, when he let down people in our family to save others. For me, I realize I've consciously made that deal. For my kids, that was harder to watch. Luckily, it was only a half dozen times. I think they understand. If he was putting us aside for more money, or more office visits, that would be different. That hasn't been the case. On that, we have an understanding. Family first -- unless it truly can't wait for the patient.

[v-girl]

Welcome! You are in a tough position. Honestly, my husband had a relatively easy residency and it still kicked my butt enough that I quit my job. Even as a SAHM, I depended on my mom for help. Hell, he's an attending, I'm still a SAHM, and my mom works now. And I still depend on her to help! I think I'm a wuss. LOL


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[houseelf]

Hi Welcome! We're glad you're hear. We really are a great, supportive group.

I'm not going to dog pile with my own story, but I'm just affirming everything that others have said in this thread. They're really *not* overstating the demands of medical training AND the situations they have described are really not that unique. Sure there is always a continuum, but this is of what you need to be prepared for. Medicine comes first, period. Especially in Surgery and ObGyn and a few other specialties. The only way to cope is for the shift to come internally from you. Acceptance, my friend. The Buddhists believe that to want is to know disappointment and to love is to grieve. It is part of the process. Medical training helps you figure this out sooner rather than later.

Best of luck. Really. Relationships are challenging any way you cut it. Medicine just shows you this up front. We are here for you.