What is having a husband in med school like?

Hello Everyone!!!

I'm wondering what it is like to be the wife of someone who is within their first years of medical school? My boyfriend and I are planning to get married just after he starts school. I have no idea what to expect, especially being newlyweds. I don't want to enter this blind. Please help!!!

Laura

[Michele]

It depends on your husband. Mine's a "lazy med student" so I actually see more of him than most. There are times though when I feel like he isn't around...both physically, and emotionally....and it sucks sometimes....but we deal...somedays better than others. It helps that I'm really busy with school... We were married during his first year too....he actually had to skip class the day we got married.

[Rapunzel]

I can relate my own experience although my experiences may or may not be indicative of what you should expect. (How's that for helpful! )

My husband and I married at the end of undergrad (before he took the MCAT and before he applied to med school). I would describe his first year of medical school as very much like undergrad - except more so. It was a lot of intense studying and there were tons of lectures and labs. It was difficult primarily financially for us, I think.

Second year of medical school was more difficult for both my husband and me. There was an insane amount of studying required as well as more lectures, more labs, and he ended up being gone A LOT. When he was home he had his nose in a book.

The one thing I enjoyed about these two years (although I did not appreciate it at the time - ahhh hindsight is 20/20) is that his schedule was busy but very flexible. That flexibility made things all the more bearable.

Third year was a doozy. That is the year my husband's medical school starts "rotations" which is essentially when the med students rotate through the various medical specialties spending a few weeks in each. The students have a few responsibilities but they are mostly there to observe and learn. During my husband's surgery rotation it was common for him to leave in the wee hours of the morning and not to get home until after 8pm. During his psychiatry rotation he was gone from 9-5 on average. Additionally, they still have tests and lectures that they must study for and attend. Third year for us was definitely the busiest.

Fourth year was a breeze. My husband had a few rotations he had to go to and he essentially had a very easy schedule otherwise. It is the "homestretch" I guess you could say. There is one extremely stressful and highly important part of fourth year, though: MATCH. It requires traveling for interviews and it can entail some nail-biting.

Graduation was soooooooooooooo incredibly satisfying! I was so proud of him and it was all very much worth it in the end.

So, I'll list the years of med school in order of most difficult to easiest (for the spouse) in my own experience:

Most difficult - 3rd year
Next - 2nd year
A bit easier - 1st year
Very nice - 4th year

Good luck!

Jennifer

The reality will never match your expectations

The first two years are all classroom. This means he will be gone everyday like a regular worker (9 to 5), but will need a LOT of time to study. Plus there are study groups and anatomy takes a lot of extra time depending on his cadaver and group. The nice part is that they have a decent amount of free time if they are good time managers and can typically go to weekend events (weddings, b-day parties, family events) with you. There are usually a lot of social events from the program depending on which one he is at. It is highly recommended you live near the school to make the most of their time.

The second 2 years are classroom AND clinic. This is when things start to get crazy. They will take call (meaning sleep over at the hospital). Can't recall when but there are also the boards to worry about. Then during 4th year they have tons of interviews to do for the residency match. The nice part is that depending on how they schedule their clinics they can have about 3 months of free time. My hubby saved his free time for the period after our first son was born.

My suggestions is that you have a VERY open mind and be VERY flexible about the whole thing. The reality of your situation will never match your expectations. I thought I knew what it was going to be like going through medical school, residency, et al but it was much more difficult in some ways and easier in otherr. You will need to be very understanding and make sure you have your own "life" / things to do. You will need to be able to operate independently. Keep in mind this is just MY experience. You will likely hear alternative stories from others.

Good luck! It can be done. I am happily married for 7 years. Have 2 sons and another child on the way!!

My DH is in his 6th and final year, (the education is 6.5 years over here).
He has a bachelors degree in History and English (before med school). I don't think it has been so bad but it has been long. His days whether they are clinic or classes have alwasy been between the hours of 8 and 4. But he studies quite a bit in the evenings which is never very much fun. I make him leave the house to study cuz it is too tempting to ask him to do something when he is sitting here. We are just looking to him being done before we are 30 which is next year.....

[Auspicious]

We moved in together about a week before he started his first year of med school.

It was challenging making a big adjustment in our relationship while he was simultaneously making a big adjustment in his professional life, and we fought a lot that first semester and gave serious thought to breaking up at the holidays, but we sat down and worked it out instead, and that was clearly the right decision. It's not that we developed any new problems when med school started, it's that living together under a bit of stress exacerbated our existing, small-but-chronic problems to the point where we had to say "Ok these problems can't just sit on the back burner anymore--we either have to work these out and come to some agreements, or walk away." Every relationship is going to react differently when thrown into a crucible, I guess--that's just what happened in ours.

In terms of day-to-day life, mine is also a "lazy med student" and not the type-A personality that's typical of most other med students, so I see him a decent amount, as well. It's definitely not like being with someone who works a regular 9-to-5 job, though. Most Saturdays and many Sundays he'll leave the house at noon and go into school to study, and return between 10 pm and midnight. That's what he does when he has an exam coming up, but exams come up frequently in his program. Many evenings or weekend afternoons he studies in the bedroom wearing earplugs while I go about my business in the rest of the apartment (we have a small apartment). But on the other hand, if I need him to go to the post office on a Wednesday morning, most of the time he can, and if he doesn't have lecture in the morning lots of times he'll still be asleep when I leave for work. And many Saturdays he'll go study at noon but then we'll meet up in the city at 8 pm and see a movie and get dinner. And he doesn't really study after dinner very often (we eat sort of late) so we get plenty of time to curl up on the couch and make fun of whatever's on television, as well. A lot of the day-to-day lifestyle stuff depends on the student's particular study habits, I think.

For us as a couple and him as a student, 2nd year has been waaay easier than 1st year. From what I gather, this is going to vary from program to program. His workload is slightly heavier this year, but he's much better at the kind of work he's being asked to do this year rather than last year. 1st year involved a lot more memorization and anatomy in his program, both of which he sucks at, plus he despised his cadaver, plus he had to sort of train his brain to absorb massive amounts of information in short periods of time, and it took him almost all year to get the hang of that. This year it's a lot more problem-solving and diagnosis and chemical interactions and such, which come much more easily to him, plus he has developed a lot more confidence in his abilities. Despite the fact that it's more work, his grades are much better and he's much happier and less stressed. And of course it's easier in our relationship because we're benefitting from that and from the work we put into it last year--the agreements we reached and ground rules we set up, etc. First year was a LOT of angst. This year has been really smooth and enjoyable for us, and I've been trying to sort of store up every happy memory, because I know it's going to get difficult again.

So . . . that's been my experience living with a med student so far.

[Auspicious]

(I posted simultaneously with the last few posters, so if I contradicted them it's not because I'm trying to be contradictory but just because I hadn't read their posts when I was writing my own.)

[PrincessFiona]

I posted simultaneously with the last few posters, so if I contradicted them it's not because I'm trying to be contradictory but just because I hadn't read their posts when I was writing my own

Oh sure...we know how contradictory you can be


hehehehe

kris

[peggyfromwastate]

i have to say that so far it's been lonely. mac is good at time management, better than most, but when he's home he's either fully concentrating on the kids (we have 3 plus one on the way) or he is studying. the minute the kids go to bed he is doing school stuff. for many other spouses at my husband's school, it's different in that the med student doesn't come home even until late at night, leaving the spouse to handle the kids all day... mac usually goes in on a saturday for anywhere from 5 to 10 hours, and we watch a movie sat nite and go to church sunday morning, so it sounds like he spends a lot of time with us, but it's just that he's not in tune with the day to day of the family...

anyway, i don't mean to sound down on the whole thing, but we're approaching finals and he gets increasingly grumpy as the quarter marches on so i'm feeling much more grumpy than usual myself!

from what i've heard from other students at USUHS, 2nd year is a lot harder and we spouses shoul expect the student to be at school more, but 3rd and 4th are pretty nice.

mac is also military, which means that we don't have to worryabout financial stuff now, but he doesn't get any long vacations, either. for instance, this summer when our new son should be about 3 weeks old he has to go to a military exercise for 10 days, then he comes home for a few days before beginning another military obligation for 3 more weeks... did i mention that i'm already feeling grumpy? anyway, i hope something may have helped in this depressing post of mine!

My husband and I got married the summer before his first year started. I can't say that its been bad so far (he's in his second year now). I think A LOT depends on your husband and how he studies, and the school. Once my husband found a study schedule that worked for him, it was wonderful. The first year was harder than the second one has been, despite the additional studying for boards. My experience is that during testing times it can be rough, but in general its very do-able. I guess I'll find out what rounds are like in a few months.

To have a husband in medical school is great.....no wait, I am the husband here....at least I think I am? Oh well....when my wife gets home from being on call at the hospital, she can tell you that it was better for her husband to stay at home....but that is just us!




just being a pain, couldn't resist!

[Flynn]

Question

If you don't factor in anything but lifestyle (not finances or time spent in school or training) is it easier on the relationship/family to be married to a med. student or a resident?

I married my DH when he was a second year resident and while we dated on and off in med. school, that's NOT the same as being married to him!

Just curious...

[houseelf]

I think that this depends on the situation. My DH has a Master's in human anatomy, an undergrad in electrical engineering, and is currently a general surgery resident. Out of these choices, he characterizes medical school as a "cake walk". I was in professional school at the time and I studied much harder than him. He would "go study" by going out for beers with his buddies and playing pool or darts.

The caveat to all of this is that he has a fantastic memory and takes tests very well. (Can you hear me puking out of jealousy? ) In sum, I think that this depends on the individual, but most people would probably agree that medical school is easier than residency, regardless of the specialty choice.

Kelly

[mommax3]

We got married while my husband was still an undergrad, and he graduated from med school almost 11 years ago 8O so I am having a hard time remembering.....but residency was DEFINITELY worse. Much worse. I don't even remember thinking that med school was too bad, even at the time. He had a regular study schedule, so I knew what to expect in that regard. We had our first baby in April of 2nd year, just before boards, so that was a little rough, and third year started right away, which was also rough since I was home alone with a new baby while he did rotations, rounded, and took call. The hardest thing about that was never knowing the schedule until the rotation started.....it was impossible to plan ahead. Still, DH feels like he got to spend a lot of time with our first born, compared with the time he spent with our second (born at the end of intern year) and third (born just as he started working as an attending Air Force physician). Fourth year was nice, though, and an awesome respite (although I didn't realize how awesome at the time) before the four years of hell that were residency.

Bear in mind that my husband is an OB/Gyn and did his residency before the 80 hr week was mandated...... he worked an average of 100 hr. weeks for four years. I am not trying to scare anyone, but I think I would have a psychotic break and have to be institutionalized if DH ever mentioned switching specialties and doing another residency. It was pretty brutal.

Sally

Lots of good responses here. I'll just give you a quick 0.02 worth. I think it depends on how long you've known each other, whether your spouse worked between undergrad and medical school, if you have children, your finances, etc.

So, for us, in order of difficulty:
1st year
3rd year
2nd year
4th year

First year was hardest because it was such a transition. Both of us had worked for a few years after undergrad and were used to having a 9-5, weekend free kind of life. And some disposable income to enjoy it. Having one of us back in the student/study mode was kind of a hard change.
Third year was just a change into the clinical years. In some ways, this was one of the better years because he really enjoyed doing clinical stuff. It was really just the first few months that were a big transition -- he did his general surgery rotation first and had some major family health issues at the same time.
2nd year wasn't too bad because we were used to the routine from 1st year. Like Kelly's husband, mine has a good memory and can study less than most (lucky guy) so boards weren't too big a deal in the 2nd year experience.
4th year -- woohoo -- more vacation time. Big rotations out the way. Just had to match. (This can vary greatly depending on the specialty they are matching in to. Different story for competitve specialties). Our first daughter was born at the beginning of 4th year which was, for us, a great time to have a child.