*confused* Family's views on marriage proposals

Hey Everybody,
I know this is a bit off topic but I really need some help and advice. I'm not one to be very open with my parents, never had a really good relationship, but I told my mom that my current bf and I are talking about getting married and that I'll probably be engaged by the end of the semester. I was caught off-guard when she TOLD me that my bf had to talk to my father first. I was floored that she told me but also by the fact that they're expecting it.
I was going to leave that decision up to my bf but now I'm forced to let him know that it's required of him. I'm not even sure if I agree with my mother because honestly my father is nothing but a pain and always putting me down, like nothing is ever good enough and I don't feel as if I need his approval. I know that it's tradition and a really nice respectful gesture. My father is very hard to approach, and highly demanding and I know it will be difficult for my bf to do this and will make him highly uncomfortable. What do I do?

Laura

[DCJenn]

Well I'l tell you my saga and take from it what you will- I was married before- and my first husband refused to discuss things with my dad- for many of the same reasons. We ultimately got divorced for many reasons- mine-his-ours. but it always bothered me that my parents thought that he didn't respect my dad enough to ask him for his blessing. EVEN THOUGH I WAS ALREADY ON MY OWN. So when my husband wanted to marry me, he knew that talking to my parents was if nothing else, a part of the traditinal package. I was always going to make my own decision, but for better or worse, you marry a person who is a PART of a a family and what ever you do to make it easier , I am all for! and they love my husband and he IS a part of the family.

Good luck!

Jenn

Talked to boyfriend...

Well I talked to my boyfriend tonight and he said he was planning on talking to my father anyways, just out of respect and because he knows it would mean a lot to me. But now that we both know that my mother instructed it instead of leaving it up to him/us we feel almost as if it's cheapened in a way and doesn't bear as much meaning. The reason it upset when my mother told me it was expected was that I felt like a child again, my mother telling me, and she didn't tell me in an adult sort of way, she just smirked and said "well you know he'll have to talk to your father first right?".

Laura

[Auspicious]

Re: Talked to boyfriend...

we feel almost as if it's cheapened in a way and doesn't bear as much meaning.

Well prepare yourself, because a lot of the things about the getting-married process that you're looking forward to being meaningful and special are going to be ruined by circumstance or someone dropping the ball or lord knows what. And then other stuff that you totally weren't expecting is going to pop up out of the blue and be really touching and memorable. Okay, it's probably an exaggeration to say "a lot" because I think for most people most stuff does go as planned, but in hanging out on the various wedding message boards and such, it quickly becomes apparent that the happiest brides-to-be are the ones who can best go with the flow and be grateful for their happy moments wherever they may find them. . . Or so I remind myself.

I come from one of the most laid-back families I know, I've been living on my own halfway across the country for five years, and the phrase "daddy's little girl" has always made me wrinkle my brow in confusion. AND YET even my parents have done and said some total pod-people things since the whole engagement thing has come up.

I told them at Thanksgiving that an engagement was coming soon and no one said anything about "asking." My fiance had asked me whether he had to ask for my hand and I scoffed. "Nooo. They would think that was weird." When I got engaged in January I called them right away that same night ("Guess what!?") and the first thing my father said in a half-kidding-but-half-hurt voice was "You mean he's not going to ask for your hand?" Eeek. So I said "Well I'm calling now to ask if we have your blessing." Which was totally true. My mom said "Of course you do." and I could tell she was shushing my father in the background. Such is the family dynamic. My father has actually been surprisingly emotional and sensitive about the whole thing--everything seems to hurt his feelings suddenly, poor guy.

It's weird with weddings because on the one hand you're exerting a new level of indpendence, even if you've been on your own: you're officially transferring your primary loyalty from your family of origin to your newly created second family. My "next of kin" will now officially be my husband, not my parents, and all that that implies. But on the other hand a wedding really brings the family of origin together--it's a shared milestone and significant event for my parents and siblings and lots of other people, as well, and all of those people have their own expectations and sometimes needs for the process. It's a lot to balance, but so far it's very edifying.

Me, me, me, blah, blah, blah . Anyway, I think your boyfriend is doing the right thing buy sucking it up and talking to your intimidating father, and I think that's a very good sign. It sounds like so far you both have a handle on striking the balance between wanting to respect everyone's feelings, but not wanting to put up with any b.s. from anyone. I'm sure it will go well!

I heard somewhere that the things in life that can bring families closer together or split them apart are weddings and funerals.
We have seen this first hand, at our wedding and then two years later at a funeral, the division was widened.

I agree with Julie, if you can roll with the ups and downs of the process of putting together "your day", you will have a beautiful day and some wonderful memories.

As for my point of view, I asked DW to marry me before I talked to her parents. We had already been living together "in sin" for quite awhile. I think that they knew it was coming. As for asking, I didn't ask, but gave them a letter that I sent the weekend before I gave DW a ring to let them know what I was up to and that I couldn't live without their daughter in my life. It worked out for us that way....to each their own.

[SueC]

In our case, my dh did ask my dad for my hand in marriage, though he didn't expect it. I think it did mean a lot to my parents (he went up to Iowa without me to help my dad build some shelves and very nervously asked them over dinner), but I don't think they would have thought any less of him if he hadn't asked them. I don't think either of my sister's husbands did ask and it wasn't a big deal. I think I would kind of feel like you do, though, if I had been told that we had to get permission first. But I think everyone else is right that you just have to roll with it--when its all said and done you'll be married to a great guy and your parents will be satisfied with the way it was done.

[peggyfromwastate]

my husband asked my dad, but because of my husband's culture rather than mine (dh is hispanic and i think his dad would've killed him had he not asked--- for instance, my sil eloped with some bum and her dad was more upset b/c this jerk "robbed her" --didn't ask for permission-- than he was about his daughter at age 14 marrying a totally evil guy.) anyway, i think it was a nice gesture, but not as romantic for me...

what happened was that i informed mac that if he ever decided to propose, i wanted an engagement ring made by my grandpa, who after retiring from his profession of being a nuclear scientist became a silversmith/goldsmith. so, when mac was gone for a summer on some medical thing for premeds, he wrote my grandma a letter asking her if they'd be willing to do this, if they had diamonds on hand, and if they could keep it all a secret from me. my gma doesn't do secrets at all, so she right away called me to her house with great urgency so that, as i like to say, she could propose to me. she wanted me to read this sweet letter mac had written, and to tell her if i would say yes before they would start making the ring... i was so embarrassed-- i was sure that he'd take it back after that drama. asking my dad for permission was sort of anticlimatic after that, but he did it and my dad asked the stupid asanine questions he was supposed to ask (how are you going to support her? where will you live?...) they had their little talk, anyway, then mac asked me after every family member told me what was going on! not a movie-like proposal, but anyway! (i knew it was coming-- i just had to wonder on which date he would propose...) anyway, my sister's husband did not ask permission, which didn't bother my dad at all...

for the sake of family peace, your bf should probably go ahead and ask, but maybe he should look for a medical school not next door to your parents so that you don't have to deal with interference on a regular basis! i know living across the country from my parents has been helpful to our relationship...

[SueC]

Peggy, that's a very interesting engagement story!

[Flynn]

Weddings can be so COMPLICATED!!!!!!!! If this is the largest bump you encounter before the wedding, count yourself lucky and just go with it. Choosing your battles (with both families usually) is crucial when you are engaged and planning a wedding.

My husband asked my parents. My DH is also pretty traditional so I bet he would have asked my parents even if we weren't as close as we are. It was sweet and everyone thought it added to the moment.

It would never cross my mind that my DH would ask one parent only -- that was an interesting thought to me but I do realize it is more traditional to do so. This site always has something that makes me think or take an extra minute to evaluate!

Anyway, go with the flow on this one and hope it's the worst that happens. Weddings make people CRAZY!!!!!!! My mother-in-law was so difficult, it eventually became comical. We "assigned" people to talk to her to distract her from her son so he could have conversations with other guests. We literally had a schedule. She was THAT bad. She also intentionally left me out of every picture she took and she took over 5 rolls of film!!!

Take a deep breath and stand your ground when you really feel strongly about an issue with your parents or his. Pick your battles because where weddings are concerned, sometimes the wishes of the bride and groom get horribly buried.

Good luck!