Any advice for dealing with people thinking you are "bragging"?

[EvieLee]

Hello fellow spouses,

Not really sure if this is the most appropriate place for this so please re-direct me if it is not...

I am wondering if anyone has any advice regarding this sort of typical conversation:
Q: What does you fiancee do?
A: He's studying medicine
Q: Ohhhhh, does he know what he wants to specialise in?
A: Yes he does, neurosurgery
Response: oh I see...so he's going to be brain surgeon!
...and then whatever else comes from the conversation.

I really want to be able to talk about his study and aspiration etc etc as any normal person would, perhaps this is compounded by the fact I am also studying OT.

I am still finding the balance between being a proud spouse and making sure people don't think I am bragging. I don't have any medical professionals in my family or even really in friend circles outside of university so I have run into problems already with family members and friends making uncomfortable comments about future incomes, employment status etc etc, and then the whole "well you can just be a stay at home wife then can't you"

I wondered if anyone has any pearls of wisdom for me

Thanks in advance

[Thirteen]

Maybe instead of "studying medicine", you can say "in the medical field" (wide net). If they get insistent, you can say physician. If the get really insistent, and you don't feel like dealing with the "omg! brain surgeon!" stuff, you can always say that he's still figuring it out. 😄

Other than that, haters gonna hate, and you just smile/nod, and then disengage. 😎


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[Deebs]

Is your fiancé in medical school or residency? If med school..."he's a student."


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[EvieLee]

Thank you.

Guess I just get all excited and say too much sometimes for some people...oh well can't aways get it right Yes he is currently in medical school not residency yet

[GrayMatterWife]

I am married to an attending NSG in the U.S. We have been together since college, long pre-dating his being a NSG.

A couple of thoughts:

1. It is a LONG way between aspiring to be a NSG in medical school and actually being a post-training NSG. Just because he wants to be a NSG doesn't mean that will happen. You know this; he knows this. And, this is something that would be appropriate to explain when responding to others. If someone asks, "So, what kind of doctor does he want to be?" the appropriate response might be, "Well, he has his heart set on neurosurgery. It is really difficult to land a residency in neurosurgery, though. Even some of the best don't make it. Sometimes, it is just luck. We have our fingers crossed!" This is a humble--and not falsely humble--response.

2. Things get more complicated once you are in a NSG residency. By then, you've "done it"--you've accomplished something that, to the average Joe, may be "brag-worthy." However, once you're in, you will realize: you are absolutely nothing special. There is nothing to brag about. Everyone who gets into a NSG residency is off-the-charts smart, deeply driven, and incredibly technically gifted. From the inside, you won't feel like you have anything to brag about. You need to focus on meeting the very high bar. But, frankly, in my experience, there is zero-way to effectively explain this to non-medical people. All they hear is "neurosurgeon!" and they assume things. So, when people ask you what your partner does while in NSG residency, just tell them the truth: "He's a residency physician in neurosurgery." If they want follow-up, they will ask. If they say something like, "WOW!! He must be so SMART!" just something like, "Yeah, he's smarter than the average bear, I guess" with a laugh. This is not a brag--of COURSE he's smart...he's a NSG. Neurosurgery is nobody's backup plan. But then...isn't that how it SHOULD be? Come on, he's not flipping burgers. It's the brain.

3. Once he is an attending in an academic program, or in private practice, use the same approach as in residency, except when the money issue comes up, remember: the OTHER person is the rude, socially deficit idiot from bringing it up. You did nothing wrong, and the fact that your partner is a NSG does not mean that you have to address the income issue. And, in all honesty, the money isn't exactly world-rocking. It's not like he's a high-flying bond trader or a wildly successfully internet developer or something. Again, you really don't have anything to "brag" about. If someone ever says something to you like, "KA-CHING! You are SET! NICE!"...just look at them with a dead-eyed stare and weak, thin smile and change the subject.

[Sheherezade]

So true about the money. Don't get me wrong, doctors do well - some specialties more than others. Still, a truth I have learned in the last few years is the best way to become wealthy is to inherit money. There's a whole different level of wealth out there than anyone who is actually working for their income can understand.


Angie

[rufflesanddots]

Yeah, I'd hold off on telling anyone anything about neurosurgery. My DH just finished his M1 year. We ran into the money comments right after he'd been accepted to med school (because OF COURSE that means he'll be a rich doctor someday). Once he got started we were surrounded by more students so it didn't happen as often.

I basically follow Thirteen's advice. When someone asks what he does now, I just say he's a med student (I think it sounds less stuffy than "medical school") and offer nothing further. If they ask specialty, I say he's interested in surgery but still has a long way to go. I've found that reminding people it's an extremely long road clues them in that there is more to this than money.

Another thing I've started doing is changing the conversation to ask what they/their partner does, if they've taken any trips lately, seen whatever show, etc. People really like to talk about themselves. It's way more interesting than telling them my husband sits his ass in a chair and reads all day.

[MrsC]

I try not to tell anyone. I tell people he works at the med center (we live in a smallish town) and if they push I tell them he's a physician.
I know what you mean about bragging, some people think you are if they know nothing about medicine. They have pre conceived notions. It gets old very quickly. I have a friend whose husband in a neurosurgeon and when we first met she only told me after I told her DH was a physician. Anyone else would have to drag it out of her because she doesn't want to deal with the comments.
I would probably say that he's in med school and he's undecided about specialty.

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[MAPPLEBUM]

I used to be uncomfortable with people's reactions but now if it comes up I just answer directly. You'd be surprised how few people ask though. As long as you avoid the 'he works so hard' he's always tired, never home, etc. When I do tell people I look them in the eyes and say it very seriously. Usually explain how much training he has left as well but that's mostly because people don't know the difference between optom and ophtho. Then people usually just nod their heads and change the subject.


One of my bosses of 2 years made a crack this week about his flighty daughter 'maybe she'll marry a rich doctor and be fine' - I don't know if he said it making fun of me or forgot that's what my husband does but I yelled at him 'Hey now!!!' And we laughed. But I really like this guy and have a lot of respect for him so it was actually funny. Anyone else I probably would've reacted differently

[MrsK]

As always, GMW knows exactly what to say.

I say different things to different audiences. If it's some random stranger, I generally say something like "he works in a hospital." That could be anything from janitor to CEO.

FWIW, there are people who will be crass about all kinds of things. I wear my engagement ring and it's got a rather large stone. Not the Hope Diamond or anything but people notice it and say all kinds of stuff ranging from "he really wanted to make sure you said yes" to "someone will cut your hand off for that ring". Mostly, they ask how big it is/how much it's worth. My response is usually something along the lines of "I don't know but it's sure pretty" or I tell them it was in the family and change the subject. If people ask DrK, he deflects and jokes that some other guy gave it to me. I'm not going to stop enjoying it just because someone is vulgar, trying to size up my husband's wallet.

[medpedspouse]

Unless it is another med spouse/family member I always keep it vague. Like MrsK, dude works at the hospital. "Oh, where?" I say the dept. Those not in the know usually give me a blank stare and I use that to change the subject. Why does it matter what my spouse does? I can see people use it as a way to find common ground but those not in the know (I really do not mean it in a bad way - just those that do not know about graduate school, med training, etc) usually make all kinds of wrong assumptions when they hear dawkter. When DH was in school, he was in grad school studying healthcare. The post grad years were that...post graduate training.

[Ladybug]

I also keep it vague and try to move the convo back the the other person (or myself! LOL).

[alotofyarn]

I would probably just say he's in med school, and if they ask what he wants to do, I'd say he has some ideas, but he's got a long way to go before he figures it out for sure. Like GMW says, nothing is guaranteed, and people don't understand the match, so it's easier to keep people from getting stuck on a certain idea now, plus then you don't have to deal with the comments that come from bringing up neurosurgery.

[Alacrity]

My wife, who is an emergency room doctor, doesnt like to talk about herself.
She just says she works in a hospital. When asked what are she explains; "I work in the complaint department"

[rainbabies]

I avoid telling what my dh does if possible. Usually once I say gynecologist, especially to a guy, they think GROSSSSS!! And that's it. Haha!