Can I Rant?

[MAPPLEBUM]

It used to be agonizing but these things are never simple. I came to the relationship with trust issues. He could have behaved better but at a certain point I had to admit I distrusted everyone I dated. We walked through it together but was not easy on him. Now that I no longer go through his texts and emails he's got baggage. If I ask what he was doing he's immediately on the defensive. So I pick and choose my battles knowing in time it's sorting itself out.

How agonizing--not knowing whether he's stayed later because he really needed to or because he's choosing to socialize. That does put you in a horrible spot, because he might just get angry if you question him. I've worried that if I complain to much about her divided attention at home, she'll just choose to spend less time at home. But I think our children will always draw her here; she feels some guilt about her absence from them.

[SoonerTexan]

I do think it is slowly getting better. Many of DH's co-residents are choosing practices with better lifestyle situations. In fact, DH wrote a workforce paper last year that demonstrated that there would be a shortage in his specialty in the coming decades. One of the assumptions in the Excel model that he (cough, cough....I) built was actually lower productivity for younger doctors because they don't WANT to work as hard/take as much call. They're more likely to have spouses who work or aging parents to deal with than in previous generations.

I do too, but I also think it is going to be very specialty dependent. The structure of some lends itself to it much more than others. I've been watching the job boards for Radiology for 2 years and there are a lot of jobs that are no weekend/no call--there is a $$$/power loss there, but it's possible to find. There are a decent number of 1 week of nights/2 weeks completely off setups too.

I usually don't try and comment on this too much because I don't think it is particularly helpful when other people are suffering, but outside of intern year, residency hasn't been bad. I'm still ready for it to be over and there have been some legitimately tough years and rotations, but 9 months from the end, we are overall happy enough with the experience. They were accommodating with the birth of our 3rd child and when he came in on crutches the other day, they sent him to the ortho clinic, made him go home, and worked with him to figure out coverage for the rest of the week so he could take vacation. Honestly 90% of this is probably specialty driven (maybe why that is why there are so few rad spouses on here), but I'm just saying it is possible.

[Jim in Virginia]

It used to be agonizing but these things are never simple. I came to the relationship with trust issues. He could have behaved better but at a certain point I had to admit I distrusted everyone I dated. We walked through it together but was not easy on him. Now that I no longer go through his texts and emails he's got baggage. If I ask what he was doing he's immediately on the defensive. So I pick and choose my battles knowing in time it's sorting itself out.

This life certainly fosters insecurity. When our spouses are suddenly away from home for eighty or more hours per week, immersed in an exciting new world with other people going through the same intense experience, in a new community where we don’t know anyone, it feels like we’ve been left behind. It totally flipped the dynamic in my marriage. She used to be the jealous one, always asking who texted me and who is this female Facebook friend and was the colleague I had lunch with male or female etc.. And she complained to a friend that I was never jealous. Now I feel utterly insecure and resent any communications she has with other people, needing her reassurance all the time. In a way it’s good; I appreciate her more than ever, and she feels needed and desired. On the other hand, it’s emotionally exhausting for me and makes me feel rather pathetic and unwell, and it makes her feel constrained and additionally burdened.

[MDPhDWife]

I usually don't try and comment on this too much because I don't think it is particularly helpful when other people are suffering, but outside of intern year, residency hasn't been bad. I'm still ready for it to be over and there have been some legitimately tough years and rotations, but 9 months from the end, we are overall happy enough with the experience. They were accommodating with the birth of our 3rd child and when he came in on crutches the other day, they sent him to the ortho clinic, made him go home, and worked with him to figure out coverage for the rest of the week so he could take vacation. Honestly 90% of this is probably specialty driven (maybe why that is why there are so few rad spouses on here), but I'm just saying it is possible.

We had a similar residency experience. IM Intern year was a special kind of hell, but once he transitioned over to Ophtho residency, it wasn’t too horrible at all. That’s why I sort of disappeared around here during those years because I felt guilty since we weren’t miserable. Whenever I have complaints, I avoid voicing them because they seem so petty by comparison. I’m pretty sure this is specialty and program dependent though.



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[MrsK]

Here we thought psychology would be family friendly. Nope.

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[houseelf]

Hey, hey, hey, seeing two separate spouses feel guilty about some variation of "residency doesn't always suck". As the complainer-in-chief, I'm thrilled that this is the case. In fact, I hope to God that no one has to do old school q2 call. The rub is when people invalidate that truth. Honest to God, I hope no one has to deal with that bullshit. No guilt for good experiences. I'm happy for you!

[SoonerTexan]

Hey, hey, hey, seeing two separate spouses feel guilty about some variation of "residency doesn't always suck". As the complainer-in-chief, I'm thrilled that this is the case. In fact, I hope to God that no one has to do old school q2 call. The rub is when people invalidate that truth. Honest to God, I hope no one has to deal with that bullshit. No guilt for good experiences. I'm happy for you!

Haha, oh no guilt. If anything we made some very strategic choices to go this route. But I know that when you're in the thick of suckage, hearing "But my experience was so easy!" isn't always helpful.

[MrsK]

Hey, hey, hey, seeing two separate spouses feel guilty about some variation of "residency doesn't always suck". As the complainer-in-chief, I'm thrilled that this is the case. In fact, I hope to God that no one has to do old school q2 call. The rub is when people invalidate that truth. Honest to God, I hope no one has to deal with that bullshit. No guilt for good experiences. I'm happy for you!

Yay! I’m so sick of people who lecture about the bad old days and how everyone should have to trudge uphill in the snow because they did. Sure, I’m resentful that we had to do it but I’m not a misery loves company kinda gal.


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