SAHM's - How do you do it??

My husband started medical school this fall. We moved from a city that I loved where I had a great career (that allowed me to take my son to work), family and great friends to a much smaller city where I have one friend, no family and a large house to take care of. Our son is 14 months old now and was 6 months old when we moved. I am having a really hard time making the transition from working-mom-in-large-city to SAHM-in-small-town.

My relationship with my husband is suffering for several reasons. Firstly, I am mad at him for having a great community of friends and a fullfilling life. I love my son and I chose to stay home, but I don't love the stay at home lifestyle - I miss working, I miss having adult interactions every day, I miss the satisfaction of doing a job well and having others recognize it. I hate having to take the lion's share of the housework, and my husband and I often fight because him leaving even a small mess that would otherwise mean nothing becomes more work I have to do. I have seriously considered going back to work but I now live in a small town that doesn't have many opportunities in my field. I even applied to a couple waitressing jobs to no avail.

Are there any other moms out there who miss their careers? How do you make yourself happy and fullfilled staying at home? How do you keep your relationship with your husband alive when he feels like a guest who sometimes takes care of the baby? It is deeply satisfying to me that my son is happy, healthy and confident, but that doens't cancell out the part of me that really loved working and misses it. Any advice would help.

[twinsmom]

First of all, WELCOME!! You definitely came to the right place. I don't have a whole lot of advice, just a whole lot of commisseration!! My last week and a half really brought home just how one sided the family aspect of our marriage is through this "wonderful world of training". I have had to take our 2 toddlers AND dog on a huge cross country trip to stop off in one area, fixing up a house that our renters had trashed parts of, then leave the kids with some family and hop on a plane to go to another part of the country to buy a house... in a TWO day span, only to go back to pick up the kids, finish getting our old house fixed up to back on the market to sell, and then hop in the car and drive another 12 hours yesterday to come back home. Did I mention that I am also almost 37 weeks pregnant with our 3rd??!

While I was in our old town, I thought about the great job that I had, where they let me bring my kids with me, and I had a bunch of friends, incredible neighbors, and still felt stimulated when I got to interact with other adults in my seminars. I almost lost it, and just stayed put right there!

On the way home yesterday, I hit the wall and started crying thinking, "I shouldn't have to be dealing with all of this stuff!! I am supposed to be home, nesting, and getting ready for my own baby!!" Then I started to get bitter that all DH has to do, and has had to do for the past 5 years, is put on his tunnel vision glasses and dive into medicine, knowing that I would take care of the billion and one details that have to do with the rest of our lives. At times it feels SO lonely and desolate, and I think that I have just turned into a little robot, expected to do all of the work for everyone else, but can't expect to have any of my own needs (let alone any wants on the list!!) taken care of. Every year I keep thinking "just get through ________ (instert any phase of medical training) and life will get better..." only to have the next year be more of the same.

Sorry to be such a downer on this. My only advice is to hold on. I promise you will learn more about yourself in the next few years than you ever thought possible. There have been SO many times when I have seriously thought that I could NOT make it one more step forward, and was ready to throw in the towel, but you CAN get through it.

Staying at home is HARD!!! It is awesome, don't get me wrong, but is probably the HARDEST thing you will ever do. Don't hesitate to take time for YOU. I felt really guilty about doing this, until someone pointed out that when you take your own personal rejuvination time (in whatever way YOU WANT TO!), then you are really helping your children to have a better mother to care for them.

Rest assured that you are not the only one who goes through the "what in the world am I doing with my life?!" feelings!! There is little worldly satisfaction that comes out of changing the 15th poopy diaper of the day. Not many boardroom disscussions center around the theories of strained peas vs. mashed peas. I have learned that raising kids full time is all about finding the little moments that make it all worth it. The times when my daughter comes with a big hug and kiss and pats me on the cheek to say that she loves me, or when my son learned something for the first time and looks at me with the biggest wonder and pride in his eyes. Those tiny moments make all of the lonely, long hours melt away.

Okay, now I will really get off my rant/soap box. I just want to say welcome once again and we are here for you!!

Jen B.

[Rapunzel]

First of all, WELCOME!! You definitely came to the right place. I don't have a whole lot of advice, just a whole lot of commisseration!! My last week and a half really brought home just how one sided the family aspect of our marriage is through this "wonderful world of training". I have had to take our 2 toddlers AND dog on a huge cross country trip to stop off in one area, fixing up a house that our renters had trashed parts of, then leave the kids with some family and hop on a plane to go to another part of the country to buy a house... in a TWO day span, only to go back to pick up the kids, finish getting our old house fixed up to back on the market to sell, and then hop in the car and drive another 12 hours yesterday to come back home. Did I mention that I am also almost 37 weeks pregnant with our 3rd??!

WOW! That IS hard!!!

Jennifer

[Meenah]

I've done it all. Stayed home without children, stayed home with children, worked with children and worked without children. The absolute most difficult was staying home with children. I really thought I would go crazy. Good luck!!!
Luanne

[Flynn]

I have been home for a little over two years but I can say the second year was drastically different than the first so I have to think that it keeps getting better.

You are still very early in the "staying home thing" and I'm sure still working things out. When your child starts talking things become easier and harder...depending on the child. Things have progressively gotten better and better for me but that's my experience.

Here's what works for me and I'm not saying this is the "right" way to do things. To each his/her own!!

I treat staying at home like a job (a job I love and want to do well) so I don't allow myself too many "sweats" days. I end up feeling frumpy and gross by the end of the day and I'm not at my best as a result. My children deserve me at my best just like any paying job would. I pencil in weekly plans and ALWAYS get out of the house AT LEAST once a day rain or shine. Walking around the block in the rain (with the proper clothing and when nothing else has worked out as far as activities) has been a blast lately.

When I have "down time" I push myself to do 30 minutes of practical stuff (cleaning, paying bills etc.) and then I do what I want to do. I am involved in play groups, know all the library story times by heart, know where all the parks are, make grocery shopping a fun activity, and go to the zoo at least four times a month. I'm lucky, I live in a very kid friendly city. I make plans with other SAHMs frequently and also plan in exercise either before the kids get up or after they go to bed. I require my kids to have healthy, "low maintenence" sleep habits and a fairly strict bedtime. I pack snacks when I might not need them and have learned to "punt" when plans go up in smoke! I have gotten much better at laughing at myself since I've been at home.

Positive afirmation from my spouse is crucial and my DH has been awesome in this area for a while now, but we didn't start out that way! It takes work and now when he leaves a mess, he knows he is basically being an inconsiderate idiot and quickly corrects his mistake. He also does his share of the housework whenever possible -- a delightful change from a year ago.

Finally, I think identity has a lot to do with the success of staying at home. I know who I am and am proud of the job I am doing at home. I know I would regret going back to work "just for me." I think some of my friends who are still having trouble with staying home don't really want to go back to work exactly, what they want is more time for themselves and more "help" with staying home.

I know what I am doing now is much more important than any job I could hold...period. Nobody could do what I am able to do for my kids and staying at home now is a small sacrifice in my book. I might go back when they are in school full time but probably not more than part time. I am lucky though, since this is a choice where finances are not a consideration. I know that is rarely the case with medical couples in training.

Staying at home is very difficult and it took me a while to figure out how I wanted to handle things. I am in a good place now but it took a lot of work. I feel for your situation. I know it must be really tough. Criticizing your spouse is an easy place to go when you are frustrated...I have been in your shoes. Ask yourself what he could do differently that you would appreciate. I found I was more frustrated with me than I was with him. I felt like staying at home was kicking my butt and I was miffed I couldn't seem to get a handle on things so I took it out on him when I shouldn't have. Granted, he was very UNHELPFUL at times and that was his fault but I could have been more honest about my feelings. I felt horribly inadequate and I resented that he had a job where he felt completely valued. I wanted that too and the good news is that staying home has evolved into more than I could ever dream of. I know that sounds silly but that's truly how I feel.

You ARE valued in what you are doing but not getting that affirmation is hard. Sigh. Hang in there.

Can you structure your day more? Can you get involved in the small town more? Use a church as a resourse for adult interaction? Join an evening book group? Drive to the city more both with and without your child? Just brainstorming here.

Good luck and let us know how things go from here if you wouldn't mind!

[DCJenn]

MamaBlue-

That was an extremely well-timed post as I am at some point in the relatively near future, going to leave a job that I LOVE- a job that only 20 people have- total, in the ENTIRE country, to stay home.

The thought nearly makes me keel over with fear. I have NO idea what it's like to be a mom, let alone a SAHM. My husband has no idea what's it's like to have a wife who IS home everyday- I've been on the road weekly for two years and before that he was living the residency hell so he was never home. I was raised by a SAHM who fully admits today that there were days that she took us to the zoo just so that she could have some kind of conversation with someone over age four.

Luckily I live in a big(ish) city and my family is here. I have no idea how I would handle being in a small town with no one that I knew.

So, all I can say is keep the advice coming, all of you SAHPs. and MamaBlue- let's meet back here often!

Jenn

[mommax3]

I have been mostly at home with my kids for almost ten years now. Before that, I worked full-time as a middle school music teacher......not a lot of affirmations came my way from the hormonal adolescents that I taught, which probably made my transition from the workplace easier! I did love teaching (still do!) but I loved my little guy WAY more, once I had him, and I didn't really miss my job too much at first.

I had always hoped to be a stay-at-home parent, and was seriously in love with the idea of being HOME every day and keeping the house clean, etc. Let's just say that the reality was nothing like the fantasy. I found it all really boring, and I still do, to be honest. I am not denigrating what I do. It takes a lot of time to keep a house clean, do the laundry, plan meals, get groceries, etc. It just doesn't work my brain in a way that I enjoy. I am not a self-starter (never have been) and I respond much better to people who need me than to tasks that need my attention.

Still, I couldn't imagine leaving my son in the kind of daycare that we could have afforded at that point in our lives, and I was grateful to be able to stay home with him. I was also glad that I could adjust my schedule to whatever my husband was doing....we were able to bank some great memories during his last two years of med school that carried me through some hard times during residency.

The thing that has helped me most since I have been staying home is to (ironically) GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Even if I just went somewhere and pushed the stroller around, it still gave my day some structure and gave me a different perspective, for a little while at least. I went to the library a lot when I had a little baby. I planted a little garden in our backyard and worked on it while he played nearby when he was older. With all three of mine, I have gone to nurseries and walked around and asked the workers gardening questions. I have always been involved (to varying degrees, depending on where we have lived) in a church, and sometimes that involvement has led to friendships that have really eased my loneliness and boredom. I do best when I have some kind of structure to my day, but I am HORRIBLE about imposing it on myself. Out of the ~ten years I have been home, I've spent three of them employed part-time, and I have taught private voice/piano out of my home for six of them. When I have worked part-time, it has been at jobs that have just come along....I have never sought one out.

My husband has always been supportive of me and has told me over and over that he could never do what I do. I know what you mean about feeling like your husband is a guest who takes care of the baby. My second son was born at the end of my husband's intern year, and for us, second year of residency was even worse than the first...he worked an average of 100 hours a week. My husband remembers very little of our middle son's first year, which makes us both sad when we talk about it today. I did my best to talk to my husband through the day when he was available, and I would take the boys to the hospital to have dinner with him on call nights.....we even ate Christmas dinner on Labor & Delivery one year. I have always tried to think of myself as an essential partner in our relationship, albeit the one with the less glamorous duties. It has helped to think that my job is as important as his, if not more so.

As someone else already pointed out, your son is still relatively young and things WILL get more "interesting" in the months to come.....that can be good and bad! I don't know where you are living or how far you are from a larger city, but I would urge you to take advantage of anything at all that is available to you in your community, or in a larger community nearby. Could you drive to visit family or close friends for a few days when your husband is busy? I did that several times through the years and it was always good to have a break from home for a while. As your husband chooses a specialty, (if he hasn't already) and starts thinking about where he might want to do his residency, express your feelings about where you would like to live.

As for your relationship with your husband, I would suggest (as I do, over and over, as you'll see if you read the archives) that you do whatever it takes to find a babysitter and start a habit of regular date nights. It is vital for both of you to have some time alone periodically. If your husband has such a great community of friends, couldn't you have them over sometime, or meet them all somewhere? Are all of them single? I have had good and bad experiences as I have gotten to know my husbands colleagues, but it is worth a try. Finally, express the resentment that you feel to your husband (if you haven't) during a time that you feel fairly calm. Since he knows you pretty well, he may be able to help you come up with some solutions, and at the very least, you won't feel so alone in your frustration.

I am sorry that I don't have "10 ways to be happy as an at-home parent" to share with you. The truth is, sometimes it is very rewarding and sometimes it is the seventh circle of hell, but most of the time it is somewhere in between. It is worth it, though, and I am not sorry I have done it at all. It is a lot more like a marathon (not that I have personal experience with one of those! ) than a sprint. You have to pace yourself and set little goals to make it through, and not expect to feel "finished" with something at the end of the day, which is the hardest part of the transition, IMO. Try to use the time you have to try something new (cooking, baking, gardening, stuff on the computer, sewing, crafting, etc.) if you can find something you are interested in. This season in your life will not last forever, and as kids get older, your time to yourself really becomes scarce.

Let us know how it goes.

Sally

Thanks Everyone!

It has really been helping to read what everyone has to say, especially Flynn's response. My son is great and things do get better the older he gets - I guess I just felt stuck and panicky and didn't know where to go from there. Thanks all - keep the stories coming - they make my day!

I think I found someone who knows what I mean!

It's so nice to hear that I haven't lost my mind--I think that I am in the early stages of wrapping up my current career to stay home when our new baby comes--but I'm freaking out! I don't enjoy my current job and since I don't want to try and start a different job after the new baby since we'd be moving a few months later for residency, it seems to make sense that I could stay home for about the next year with the kids and plan for residency interviews and the move. However, I'm worried about giving up work! My husband sees it as black and white: I don't like my job and I do miss my son because I'm working so much, so I should just stay home. However, I'm worried about being out in the adult world and losing all of what I've worked up over the past few years...anyway, I am pretty sure that I'll end up staying home for the year and probably more, but in the meantime, I keep buying all of these books on transitioning from work to being at home, managing household, and activities for kids. I feel like if I feel as if I have structure and guidance, I'll be better off? Anyway, it's so nice to hear that I'm not crazy and that other people are having a tough time!!

This is totally disorganized but here goes.

I agree, getting out of the house is vital.

Is there any way you could keep your fingers in your current job? I'vs sah for 5 years now, as has my best friend. She is a social worker and has done stuff like run court mandated AA meetings, given parenting classes through her pediatritions office, worked with a cancer charity on writing grants. All of this was so she could keep up contacts. Before having her oldest son she was a social worker with a public school system. These jobs have only taken maybe 5 hours a week.

Once thing I did when I started sah was to start attending a storytime for babies at the local library. The program was brand new, begun by the children's librarian because so many parents were asking if there was anything to do with babies. You could suggest it to your local librarian.

Various playgroups rose from the library program, and I that is where I met my friend I mentioned.

Check out the local malls or bookstores for Mom focused events. Most have a Mom's club or weekly storytime.

Bring a stack of notecards with your name, child's name and phone # on them and hand them out if you hit is off with another parent and arrange a playdate.

Seriously, its not until 3 or 4 that the things "for kids" are actually for kids LOL.

[Phoebe]

I have been staying at home for 2.5 years now and it has been an adjustment. I actually enjoyed it more after having my second child. I attribute the change to having to be more organized with two kids. Staying at home has been the hardest job I have had because I am never really off the clock and the kids are with me when I go somewhere 90% of the time. I envy my husband for being able to leave every morning on his own and not have to be responsible for getting 3 people out-the-door. He envies me because he thinks I have so much free time! ha!

It can be repetitive and I have never been more tired in my life. I feel like every job I have had in some way prepared me for this experience. It is really wonderful, except for the few moments a day that I want to pull my hair out. My kids thrive on structure and unfortunately that is not my strong suit. There are times when I know it is time to get out of the house.

Jennifer

Get creative

I had a similar experience. My husband, myself and our 1 month old moved to Philly from RI so that my husband could start med school. I was lonely, depressed and miserable. The solution for me was to go back to work. As a social worker I was making peanuts but I needed friends and a purpose. Luckily, I had a wonderful neighbor who offered to watch my daughter at a reasonable rate. Get creative. Are you in a Mommy and me group or anything? There are probably other Moms in your situation. What if you found another Mom to share daycare. Swap kids while the other works part time. At the very least, do something for yourself. I worked out at the Y and took classes (pottery, sketching, Fung Sheui). Don't lose yourself. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your child. Good Luck!