Just a girlfriend?

Hiya,

I found this site a while ago, but thought it would be a good time to post and introduce myself. I hung back for a while because most people here seem to be spouses (and why not - that's the name of it after all) and I'm only a girlfriend to a doctor. But I suppose many of the issues are the same and you all started off as girl/ boyfriends. There are some differences, and that's part of the problem but I'll get to that!

I'm from the UK and I work as a PA in the NHS (national health service). My boyfriend and I have been going out for 4 years, and we have known each other for over five. He qualified last July and is working in a nearby city which is about 40mins by car/ 2hrs door-to-door by train away from me (to Americans and Canadians who think no big deal - trust me, it is for Brits!). He didn't want me to move to be with him because a) he might only be there for a year and didn't want me to have to keep moving and b) he gets free accommodation but they don't provide accommodation for non-married doctor+partners.

The second part of that annoyed me - because it kind of made me feel like being "just a girlfriend" isn't considered important enough to the people who run the housing. I'm even supposed to ask permission before visiting him in his flat, which is like being back in boarding school again! For the previous three years we'd been living together (as placements allowed) in our own flat and shared hourses.

The first three months were okay (general medicine) but since then he's found it really tough (MAU - on-call over a week of nights and weekends) and now surgery. He's been ill several times (this week with d&v) and is always tired and grumpy. Because we're apart there's the long-distance thing of calling and e-mailling and I only get to see him a weekend a fortnight, and sometimes only for the saturday afternoon-sunday morning.

This is really hard on me because I feel like I'm single. I live alone, have a busy job, go see friends and do things with them. At the moment I feel like he has no place in my life any more, nor I in his. I miss him very much, and I miss the person he used to be, because at the moment he's just mean and grumpy and tired all the time. I try not to be angry at him for this, but it's very hard on me at the moment. Reading the boards, that seems to be a fairly common feeling for this stage of the medical career, so I guess there's hope for getting through it. I also know that we are the only medic and non-medic in his graduation year, at least that he knows, still together. (Everyone else has broken up, or is dating another medic).

He's already got the job for another year. Before these last three-four months we knew we wanted to get married and spend our lives together and have children. I asked him a few weeks ago if he wanted me to come live with him next year, I'm prepared to move and find a new job because I believe we do have a very good relationship, and it's just the tiredness and long-distance and being apart that's making it hard at the moment. But he said he didn't want me to come live with him "because we might break up" and he doesn't want me to see him how he is at the moment. And?! If we carry on like this we will break up too because we are slowly growing apart and he's grumpy and mean to me now so I don't see how it could be any worse!

He doesn't have time to eat (he lost over a stone on his last on-take week, and having d&v this week and not eating anything isn't going to help). I know he's going through hell at the moment, and I feel selfish and petty with my complaints and the fact that my life is pretty trivial and insignifant compared to his. (It isn't, and some weeks I work just as long hours as he does). I really want to still give it a go, take a chance on the "might break up" over the "will break up" option, and work through the hard things because it's worth it. It's always a "bad time" for him to talk about our relationship though which is frustrating to say the least.

So yes, I was wondering if anyone had any perspective on this - maybe you were in this place once and can tell me it all works out! I've tried the coping strategies, the living an independent life, being understanding, trying not to be angry at him or put too much expectation on him, I've tried the unexpected little romantic gestures, small notes and text messages just because! I'm starting to get tired of it though and I can't do it for much longer. (sorry for the long post - thanks to everyone who reads through!)

[PrincessFiona]

HI....I am getting ready to run out the door to take my children to the dentist, but I just wanted to respond.

My dh did 1 yr as an sho in the UK and the system is so much different. I know we had a friend who was on the path to doing OB/gyn and she had to get permission for us to come to her hospital sponsored flat for dinner....I thought it was kind of weird too.

I know that one of the most stressful aspects of medical training for many of the UK families/friends that we had in the medical profession was the blasted moving for rotations all of the time. It meant upheaval for the most part for all involved regardless of whether they stayed put or moved with their partner.

A lot of what you are going through is 'normal for the first year-two of training. The resident is often exhausted and has little to give emotionally. You might consider trying to have another conversation with your boyfriend about this when he is on a better rotation and is getting more sleep?

Come and vent anytime....We have many members who are engaged to or are dating a physician or physician in training.

[HeartRN]

Hi--I'm not able to post much right now, but I wanted to say "welcome" and that coming here often will really help. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now--please know that you'll find so many people here in similar situations....there's advice if you need it, and most of all, lots of support. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I didn't have this site and all of the people on it to talk to; it's been such a source of strength and support for me, esp. being far from family in a not-so-familiar place. Feel free to come here any (and all!) of the time to vent!

work

All you can do is keep being as supportive as possible and do the best you can.

We live 3500 miles away by plane. He's often grumpy and tired. We trudge on, take each day one a time, and work our way through.

There will always be ups and downs, he will always be tired, often grumpy, you both have to really want it, and you both can work together on getting through the rough spots.

Don't give up, there will be some rough times in this process but you can both work on getting through it together.

[Rapunzel]

I just caught this: You have to move for every ROTATION!? Holy cow! How in the world is it possible to have ANY consistancy in a relationship - let alone perhaps have a family - in that situation? My goodness - you have my sympathies in that grueling situation!

Jennifer

Thank you for your quick and kind replies! To answer a few points...

>You have to move for every ROTATION!?

Some people do - some of our friends have had six months in one place and six months in another (quite a way apart too, so have to completely upsticks and move each time). In the case of the people I know doing this, they are all single and no chance of changing that for a while.

>We live 3500 miles away by plane. He's often grumpy and tired. We trudge on, take each day one a time, and work our way through. <

Wow - 3500 miles! Okay, 40mins by car seems a little less bad

I have tried to have a conversation before but he's got a GP rotation from May, so that should be easier (they get wednesday afternoons off for study, and GPs here (primary care physicians) have mostly opted out of out-of-hours work (nights and weekends) so it should be a lot less stressful and I'll wait for that.

Until then... I've decided to go for a job where I am - there's a really good opportunity coming up. It's a year long commitment so it means staying like this for a while. But, it also means more money, experience and can pay for the phonecalls and travel...! This life won't change whether I'm with him or apart I guess, so it will be a good back-up in case it all goes wrong and it'll be experience to help me get a better job if I go to be with him and need to relocate.

Quick update on the situation:

The job I put my application in for I've got an interview - hurrah!

The kitchen sink, washing machine and bath in my flat are blocked so feels a bit like camping at the moment (washing up in a plastic bowl and calling in favours of showers from friends!) Won't be fixed until after the weekend and it's been broken since Wednesday.

And then Ed came today and said he didn't love me any more and that was that, end of discussion. I asked him and he's been unhappy for how long...? Since mid-way through February. Well, IMO in four years, 1.5 months isn't that long a time to make this big a decision *especially* when they have been his surgical rotation, he's had d&v and lost so much weight and had no sleep. I've asked him to consider the fact that maybe circumstances aren't great and we need to see it as a down in the up and down cycle but he said he needs to think about it.

We've been here before two years ago practically to the day and a month later he asked we give it another go and it was fine until now. It seems this time he either learns the lesson that there are ups and downs and you work on them together or he doesn't. I'm trying to be understanding, but if he won't talk to me at the "I'm unhappy" or "we're having some problems" stage before the "I don't love you and want to break up" then it's not going to work is it?

He's spent five years being trained to be emotionally detached and told to be a "good doctor" you have to give all to the job and work long hours and get by without food or sleep or a life. Of course the "spark has gone" if we only get to see each other 3 days a month and he falls asleep on my sofa. What do you expect?! If I learnt anything from reading the posts on this board is that there are ups and downs, good times and bad, and relationships that survive and are good work through the bad ones and celebrate the good ones and become stronger for both. He doesn't see it that way. So now I'm more in limbo than I was before, plus my washing up is piling up, I can't have a bath in my own house and I have a big interview in a week. Never rains but it pours

Hi,
Im in ireland and the system is the same for our doctors as in the uk, im with my boyfriend seven and a half years since i was seventeen and he was in his first month of medical school, we moved in together afrter 3 months, he qualified in jan , so its all new, i know how you feel ,as the contracts here are only six mths, and that means moving every city/town every time,we had to move from a decent city to an irish country town, not much fun! i just got a job nearby , but they dont know that i will probably leave in june, it is hard to make any plans and very hard for me to work at anything decent, nobody will hire me for only six mths. the co i work for now is american abd i will be trainig for 3 mths, so i might actually be gone before i acyually do any work for them.
my advice to you is think carefully , is your job important to you? are you ready to take badkly paid uninteresting work so you can be with him?i dont mean to be negative but if you decide to follow him and move constantly be prepared to be lonely, and dont hold it againsdt him. i think its worth it, espaecially at the beginning of their careers its good to support them, its very hard on them emotionally, but also on us

Hi,
just saw your last post. you look after your self, spoil yourself, he can't take all his stesses out on you, its a hard job, but you siad your hours are also very long, stand up for yourself, you decide what you want and need, he can't pull all the strings, take care

[bony00]

I just read the series of postings. I think that at this point, you do need to figure out where you are in this whole deal. Unfortunately, a lot of men don't work well under pressure, maybe they can professionally but not when it comes to relationships. Communicating and being honest is very important and being considerate is also important. I think that it is time that you think about you and what you want and if you are getting what you need in this relationship. I think that it would be great if you two can sit down and really discuss the situation and try to come up with strategies for him to relax, relieve some stress, eat...etc. He probably feels so horrible right now that he doesn't want to drag you into that space. He doesn't realise that you love him and support him. Communication!!!!
Good luck. I hope that everything works out.

Today he finally told me, via e-mail, the real reason he wanted to end it was that he had met someone else. Another junior doctor. Who just happens to look exactly like me. For a month he has lied to me. He gave me hope that we could work it out and gave me such mixed messages. After all we had been through I feel that it's like the old Ed has died and been replaced by this monstrer. So it is over.

horrible

I'm sorry to hear that, it must be really hard for you.

The best advice I can give in these situations is to realize that there must be someone else out there that you are meant to be with.

Stay strong, and one day, you will find that right person.

[bony00]

I am sorry to hear about what transpired. He obviously was not the person that you thought that he was. That is unfortunate. But you seem like a wonderful person and someone equally wonderful is out there and waiting to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. So keep your head up.
I know this is difficult, but we women have a way of bouncing back better than ever.

[PrincessFiona]

How awful...and can I just step out of line here and say "what a jerk" What a low-life, chicken way too handle that on his part....

I'm so sorry to hear that things went this way. If you need to talk, we're all here.

kris