Hiya,
I found this site a while ago, but thought it would be a good time to post and introduce myself. I hung back for a while because most people here seem to be spouses (and why not - that's the name of it after all) and I'm only a girlfriend to a doctor. But I suppose many of the issues are the same and you all started off as girl/ boyfriends. There are some differences, and that's part of the problem but I'll get to that!
I'm from the UK and I work as a PA in the NHS (national health service). My boyfriend and I have been going out for 4 years, and we have known each other for over five. He qualified last July and is working in a nearby city which is about 40mins by car/ 2hrs door-to-door by train away from me (to Americans and Canadians who think no big deal - trust me, it is for Brits!). He didn't want me to move to be with him because a) he might only be there for a year and didn't want me to have to keep moving and b) he gets free accommodation but they don't provide accommodation for non-married doctor+partners.
The second part of that annoyed me - because it kind of made me feel like being "just a girlfriend" isn't considered important enough to the people who run the housing. I'm even supposed to ask permission before visiting him in his flat, which is like being back in boarding school again! For the previous three years we'd been living together (as placements allowed) in our own flat and shared hourses.
The first three months were okay (general medicine) but since then he's found it really tough (MAU - on-call over a week of nights and weekends) and now surgery. He's been ill several times (this week with d&v) and is always tired and grumpy. Because we're apart there's the long-distance thing of calling and e-mailling and I only get to see him a weekend a fortnight, and sometimes only for the saturday afternoon-sunday morning.
This is really hard on me because I feel like I'm single. I live alone, have a busy job, go see friends and do things with them. At the moment I feel like he has no place in my life any more, nor I in his. I miss him very much, and I miss the person he used to be, because at the moment he's just mean and grumpy and tired all the time. I try not to be angry at him for this, but it's very hard on me at the moment. Reading the boards, that seems to be a fairly common feeling for this stage of the medical career, so I guess there's hope for getting through it. I also know that we are the only medic and non-medic in his graduation year, at least that he knows, still together. (Everyone else has broken up, or is dating another medic).
He's already got the job for another year. Before these last three-four months we knew we wanted to get married and spend our lives together and have children. I asked him a few weeks ago if he wanted me to come live with him next year, I'm prepared to move and find a new job because I believe we do have a very good relationship, and it's just the tiredness and long-distance and being apart that's making it hard at the moment. But he said he didn't want me to come live with him "because we might break up" and he doesn't want me to see him how he is at the moment. And?! If we carry on like this we will break up too because we are slowly growing apart and he's grumpy and mean to me now so I don't see how it could be any worse!
He doesn't have time to eat (he lost over a stone on his last on-take week, and having d&v this week and not eating anything isn't going to help). I know he's going through hell at the moment, and I feel selfish and petty with my complaints and the fact that my life is pretty trivial and insignifant compared to his. (It isn't, and some weeks I work just as long hours as he does). I really want to still give it a go, take a chance on the "might break up" over the "will break up" option, and work through the hard things because it's worth it. It's always a "bad time" for him to talk about our relationship though which is frustrating to say the least.
So yes, I was wondering if anyone had any perspective on this - maybe you were in this place once and can tell me it all works out! I've tried the coping strategies, the living an independent life, being understanding, trying not to be angry at him or put too much expectation on him, I've tried the unexpected little romantic gestures, small notes and text messages just because! I'm starting to get tired of it though and I can't do it for much longer. (sorry for the long post - thanks to everyone who reads through!)
I found this site a while ago, but thought it would be a good time to post and introduce myself. I hung back for a while because most people here seem to be spouses (and why not - that's the name of it after all) and I'm only a girlfriend to a doctor. But I suppose many of the issues are the same and you all started off as girl/ boyfriends. There are some differences, and that's part of the problem but I'll get to that!
I'm from the UK and I work as a PA in the NHS (national health service). My boyfriend and I have been going out for 4 years, and we have known each other for over five. He qualified last July and is working in a nearby city which is about 40mins by car/ 2hrs door-to-door by train away from me (to Americans and Canadians who think no big deal - trust me, it is for Brits!). He didn't want me to move to be with him because a) he might only be there for a year and didn't want me to have to keep moving and b) he gets free accommodation but they don't provide accommodation for non-married doctor+partners.
The second part of that annoyed me - because it kind of made me feel like being "just a girlfriend" isn't considered important enough to the people who run the housing. I'm even supposed to ask permission before visiting him in his flat, which is like being back in boarding school again! For the previous three years we'd been living together (as placements allowed) in our own flat and shared hourses.
The first three months were okay (general medicine) but since then he's found it really tough (MAU - on-call over a week of nights and weekends) and now surgery. He's been ill several times (this week with d&v) and is always tired and grumpy. Because we're apart there's the long-distance thing of calling and e-mailling and I only get to see him a weekend a fortnight, and sometimes only for the saturday afternoon-sunday morning.
This is really hard on me because I feel like I'm single. I live alone, have a busy job, go see friends and do things with them. At the moment I feel like he has no place in my life any more, nor I in his. I miss him very much, and I miss the person he used to be, because at the moment he's just mean and grumpy and tired all the time. I try not to be angry at him for this, but it's very hard on me at the moment. Reading the boards, that seems to be a fairly common feeling for this stage of the medical career, so I guess there's hope for getting through it. I also know that we are the only medic and non-medic in his graduation year, at least that he knows, still together. (Everyone else has broken up, or is dating another medic).
He's already got the job for another year. Before these last three-four months we knew we wanted to get married and spend our lives together and have children. I asked him a few weeks ago if he wanted me to come live with him next year, I'm prepared to move and find a new job because I believe we do have a very good relationship, and it's just the tiredness and long-distance and being apart that's making it hard at the moment. But he said he didn't want me to come live with him "because we might break up" and he doesn't want me to see him how he is at the moment. And?! If we carry on like this we will break up too because we are slowly growing apart and he's grumpy and mean to me now so I don't see how it could be any worse!
He doesn't have time to eat (he lost over a stone on his last on-take week, and having d&v this week and not eating anything isn't going to help). I know he's going through hell at the moment, and I feel selfish and petty with my complaints and the fact that my life is pretty trivial and insignifant compared to his. (It isn't, and some weeks I work just as long hours as he does). I really want to still give it a go, take a chance on the "might break up" over the "will break up" option, and work through the hard things because it's worth it. It's always a "bad time" for him to talk about our relationship though which is frustrating to say the least.
So yes, I was wondering if anyone had any perspective on this - maybe you were in this place once and can tell me it all works out! I've tried the coping strategies, the living an independent life, being understanding, trying not to be angry at him or put too much expectation on him, I've tried the unexpected little romantic gestures, small notes and text messages just because! I'm starting to get tired of it though and I can't do it for much longer. (sorry for the long post - thanks to everyone who reads through!)
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