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**pstone** · 08-02-2005, 02:38 PM

Don't you feel crazy for working when he is home? I want nothing more then to spend time with her and as a family. It makes me rule out working when she is home, not because she would be up set, but because she is my best friend, and I well, miss the shit out of her.

**PrincessFiona** · 08-02-2005, 02:38 PM

Peter....

Can I be perfectly cynical? Your wife needs to spend some time at home being the primary caretaker of your child while you go out and work towards having a career. She needs to imagine what it would be like 'really' if you decided to become the breadwinner and she had the 'opportunity'

to quit medicine. I wonder how long she would be content with the knowledge that she would likely be unable to return to medicine after a long hiatus and her prestige,stature and...brain...would shrink.

The grass is always greener...seriously. A friend of mine worked her butt off to go to med school. It's all she wanted. Now she is an internist practicing as a hospitalist in a busy hospital...and the ONLY thing she talks about is getting pregnant so that she can quit her job and be sahm. She tells me how fabulous it's going to be as a sahm...baking cookies after school with the kids, knitting, sewing, doing craft projects all day.

I just smile and nod...as I think about how our last craft project ended in my 2 year old grabbing the glue and squirting it in my 6 year old's hair and about how the last book I read...I'm still reading. It's been on my nightstand for several months. I don't remember the title, but I do remember the name of the main character. Wait...no I don't. But I do know that she is a dwarf. Ha! See, my brain hasn't completly turned to mush!

Bottom line...none of my 'live' sahm friends here 'just' sit at home and "read books and cook dinner". Many of them teach through our local community ed program, take classes at the University or technical college, have home businesses ranging from creative memories to accounting stuff....

I actually feel sort of ticked off for you that there is the expectation that you do "nothing"...just "raise the kids and read books"...but I'm sure that's because it taps into my own issues. My dh has also said
"why can't you be happy?"
"I am happy"
"Well, why can't you just be content then?"
"Content with what?"
"With being at home"

"Could you give up your career as a doctor if I earned more money?"

"No"
"Why not...why couldn't YOU be content?"
"It's different..I'm a guy"
"No..it's not different. We're both people with brains that extend beyond the basic understanding of "Can We Fix it..Yes, We Can!"

Conversation ends.

Sorry for hijack.

Kris

**DCJenn** · 08-02-2005, 04:01 PM

As a recent addition to the SAHP cadre, I do miss work. I really, really do. But it wouldn't have mattered because I was a contract employee and the contract ended and I'd have been out of work (right now as a matter of fact). What makes this at all OK is that we're still leaving here in a year, whether I'm working or not. So, I choose to stay at home for the moment- what happens when we move depends on where we move.

However, my career is in Social Services and people come and go from Social Services to deal with family stuff all the time. It's part of the reason why we're typically paid so little (that and we're pretty much all chicks, still).
I do worry that I'm going to miss out on new treatment and therapies- and then I remember that I am married to a neurologist and I am a member of the AAMR (Am. Assoc on Mental Retardation) so- it's not like there's going to be a miraculous cure for MR within the next year or so (as awesome as that be- that'd be a great reason to be out of work!)

I don't know. I'll flip through the occasional journal when I'm not brain-dead and try to not be a "grass is greener" thinker.

Jenn

Although I do have to say that I'm in the best shape I've been for YEARS thanks to Stroller Strides and daily walks with the dog and the Dude. We have a lot of guys who participate so see if there's something like that where you are. Getting out of the house everyday is crucial to my sanity.

Join Date: Nov 2024 · 08-02-2005, 04:26 PM

If someone asks me what I do, I answer that I'm home with my kids. If soomeone implies that that's not enough (as in enough as a respectable "working" person) :> . If someone asks if I "work", I answer "Not that I get paid for. I'm home with my kids". Honestly, that usually ellicits a look of sympathy b/c my boys are mid-hair-pull or something along those lines.

Personal-fullfilment-wise I can totally see the dilemma, but haven't really had the problem myself. I was never very career driven, never had a passion for an employable task. I grew into a v. good IT job, and when I got laid off b/c the company was in the dumper - I was happy. I wanted to be home w/my son, but hadn't done it b/c of $. After the lay off, I did struggle with not earning "my own" money anymore (not to mention losing MORE than 1/2 our income), but didn't miss the "work". I missed the adult interaction to be sure, but not the work. Over the last year I've had an at-home Tastefully Simple business, but that was really only for the $ (I hate home parties).

Does all of this mean I'm totally fulfilled by my 2 little monsters (uh, kids)? No way. But I'm working to find other things to do in my world. Classes I want to take, etc. I just don't feel like I need the career facet to make me complete.

I'm certain that it's harder for men b/c of social expectations. I say be an at-home architect if you miss the work, need the money, or are worried about rejoining the workforce later. If you're looking for an "adult" outlet, find something you love to do.

**Vanquisher** · 08-02-2005, 04:44 PM

I don't know if I want a job. I'm applying for one, to stay at home with, but I totally get not wanting to work while your wife is home. I barely see my husband and the last thing I want to do when he is here is leave home without him. I so understand that!

Sometimes I think I would like working outside the home. Others, I realize that I don't want other people raising my kids, or seeing them more hours a day than I do. Plus, the money I would make wouldn't justify the cost of daycare expenses.

So, I struggle.

I see a lot of me in your posts. I am right there with you. If you decide what to do, let me know, and maybe it will help me figure it out, because I sure as hell haven't.

**Sheherezade** · 08-02-2005, 05:06 PM

This used to be one of my pet peeves. (Definitely trollish) I was really bothered by people that said they were something else when they were mostly a SAHP. It drove me batty because I felt like it made being a SAHP shameful. That's bad. I made a consious effort for *years* to say "I'm at home with my children." and not mention any of the sidelines I had going. I think it's nuts that we are so achievement oriented in this world that we need to know what someone does for a living to decide what they are worth. GRRR. (Of course, I have my own issues. My own family dropped me from the Christmas letter after I decided to stay at home because I "wasn't doing anything interesting with my life."

and

) I get nuts, too, because I think it all boils down to economics. It seems to me people would have a different view of a SAHP if they were also told the person had won the lottery or had inherited vast sums of money. Then, being a SAHP wouldn't seem so suspect.

I think if you are at home with young children, you can be plenty busy interacting with them. I think you can be busy and productive as a volunteer when your children are older. You can pursue other interests, return to work, whatever. It's all good. The important thing is that the individual is happy with their choices in their own situation. Given that, I completely agree with everyone who has said that often people need to do more than parent to be intellectually fufilled. I also agree that your wife would probably have a different view after several months at home. You should call yourself an SAH architect if you do architecture regularly, if you intend to return to it with all your heart, if you don't feel like a fraud saying so. Otherwise, stay you are a SAHD and be proud. That job can be as much work as you make it.

**DCJenn** · 08-02-2005, 06:01 PM

Annie-

Your reasons are precisely the reasons why I did not hesitate in the least when I took my last job- the mere fact that I was gone three to four days a week all over the country and things BY DEFAULT would have to be his responsibility? You should have seen the evil gleam in my eye. Holy Kitty Litter, Bat Man! Rick had to clean poo!!!

Ah, there are days I'm ready to Metro to National and hop a plane- even if I just come back a few hours later. God, wouldn't that be great?

Besides, I busted my ass to get this far in my career. I miss it!!! (I was actually paid below minimum wage for my first job out of college because they were technically allowing me to sleep- at a homeless shelter- on the midnight shift. Whoo hoo, now there's a restful place to sleep!)

Jenn

**Rapunzel** · 08-02-2005, 08:43 PM

Well, I had a response but then I realized this thread is primarily aimed at those who used to have careers outside of parenthood and now have parenthood as their primary career. I always considered parenthood my primary career/"job" (I tell anyone who asks what I "do" that I am a full-time mom because, well, that IS what I am; and, when I don't have a nursing infant, I'm usually not at home so "stay-at-home-mom" is such an inappropriate term for me!) so I don't think I can add to this conversation. If you saw another post by me that is no longer there it's because I deleted it as not applicable to the conversation.

Jennifer

**Phoebe** · 08-02-2005, 09:48 PM

This is sort of a loaded question for me. I frankly don't know what I want. I like staying at home with my kids more so than ever before because I have a support system of other SAHPs in my neighborhood. Secondly, I couldn't handle them being in daycare full-time. Thirdly, I feel like with DH's work schedule, I am the stability for my kids. However, I miss having contributing to the work force and feel like I am accomplishing something for myself. I envy my husband being able to leave the house by himself every day. I planned on having a career and working. Having kids changed my attitude. Plus, having the career I want would require further schooling and that is up for debate.

I don't think I would want to work when DH is home because we rarely see him as it is. Being a SAHM parent is right for me now at least until my kids are older. I like the flexibility and freedom (did I really say freedom? ;P) of this job.

Jennifer

**pstone** · 08-03-2005, 05:20 AM

Well, first let me say thanks for all the input, and second let me say I have not figured out anything more (of course) but I have plenty more information.

It seems to me (now at least, in the beginning) that maybe I have a slightly different situation. DW was driven, was type A personality, was top of class in med-school, but seems motherhood has altered her course. She does not talk about her grand career anymore, she talks about "mommy track" medicine, about 4 days a week in an out patient surgery center where she can pick up the kid(s) from school. I don't mind this at all of course, I just want to see her. Her big plans of "acedemic medicine" are GONE after 5 weeks, "private practice" for me is her mantra for the last 4 of them.

The other difference I think is we only have one child (want 2 more) but will have to wait until at least start of CA-2 year. (think that is pgy-3) So maybe I just have more time on my hands then you all with more kids, only one kid to feed etc. I have zero support structure of SAHPs, and I think the 9month old is a bit to young to do tons yet.

Problem for me is I do love architecture, the design part, the see your creation get built part. I of course hate the paperwork, dealing with contractors part, and working for someone else part, so I already am not sure I could ever work for some firm again. (houses for doctors sounds great)

The "stay at home" part is what kills me, I wish everyday that the boy was older, that we could stay away from the house for more then 2.5 hours at a time, between naps, feedings, changings, alcohol (joking). As the wife leaves the house at 5:30am I have to summon strength to walk back into t he kitchen and clean it for the first of 5 times today. Then I just ask myself, why am I up at 5:30am?

Oh yeah, to read IMSN.

Join Date: Nov 2024 · 08-03-2005, 06:41 AM

I tried to stay away from this....but...have...been...drawn...in...

As I sit here, with youngster on my lap at an unspeakable hour of the morning. I can feel for you Pete. You are getting lots of words from the masses here that are in similar situations. What you don't hear are any of the stories of the male MEDICAL spouse- saying 'when I am done with training, I am going to work 3-4 days a week so that I can be around more'. Are they out there? Maybe. It is completely different for women, be they doctors, lawyers, nurses, or any other profession....and then when you add the debt load from the schooling, it just confuses things even further.

The conversation that you had with your wife....has happened nearly verbatim in our house. More than once, except that it also involves a kiss off letter to Sallie Mae. Then DW will work part-time. I have asked her what she will do with her free time and the answer has been read all her "free reading" books, then clean the house. Honestly, she won't make it. She hasn't got the abiltity(and I say that in a most loving way). She is also type A, was at top of medical class and recognized in residency, she practically aced the national boards. Since she has started as an attending, she actually loves clinic work and has gotten patients-or more to the point, parents of patients- to do great things for their kids. She is a good doctor and driven by what she does. Thank goodness, it keeps her happy away from home.

Things change and in medicine a good month of training can change the path toward careers. Kids change adults outlook on life, but kids change too and by the time she is finished with training she may well realize that she will have the ability to set her schedule for herself so that she can have more family time. My wife went from absolutely hating clinic work, to being a requested doctor in less than a year- it has changed her whole outlook.

As far as the balance of maintaining a profession and keep the family/house/schedules in order. I haven't got much to add, as I haven't tried a career with the full time caregiver, I can't really comment. The job I had before was a lot like what j3qpatel was talking about...it was a job, it was our income during training but, really, who wants to be a credit card collector all their life?!? Mostly it helped realize what I want to be when I grow up....someday.

But I can also understand about feeling tethered to the house with a young child (naps and feeding and such...) although it seems you will never get out, it goes by quickly. And just when you get it figured out, you will either have another child and have to start the routine all over again, or something else will change and keep you adjusting!

**Sheherezade** · 08-03-2005, 07:34 AM

Matt is so right. Just when you have it all figured out, it all changes. As much as you hate the "stuck at home" stuff now, you'll find it hard to believe that my full time parenting gripe now is too much running around!! My kids are both school aged (the youngest starts this year) . I volunteer at both schools, work on some community stuff, and take the kids to their various lessons, appts. etc. My calendar looks like it's been scribbled over each month with all the "events". I'd still say it isn't intellectually stimulating, but I'm certainly out of the house!! I think it is a different phase of parenthood.

If you love architecture, then you should try to figure out a way to keep your hand in. My husband was an architect before going to med school. When he was taking pre med classes, he picked up drafting work and taught some CAD classes at the community college. Could you do something like that on a very limited basis? I think it would be worth it in your situation. If your wife is planning on having as close to part time hours as she can after training, your career will have an equal footing again. At that time, you could probably work out a work schedule together that kept your childcare to the minimum. I think her future plans make all the difference. In our situation, the hours got better post training, but they are still heavy and unpredictable. Anesthesia is a different thing. I could see detante in your future on the career front.

I sympathize with your wife. I was a completely type A, go-getter myself until I got bit by the baby bug. It is a huge adjustment in thinking and it comes at you from out of the blue. I don't know if it is different for women or the same all around, but I couldn't fathom leaving my child in care for the 12-14 hour days I worked; something had to change. Lucky (ha ha) for me, I had to quit my job when DH got his residency. Otherwise, I probably would have had a SAH-working parent breakdown.

I humor myself by saying that I would have kept working full speed ahead if DH stayed home with our kids, but I don't know. I think it is still tricky emotionally.

Your child is still very young. Your whole family is adjusting. Things will probably be more clear in a year or two. If you can keep your resume active, that leaves more options open on the other side. As for taking time away when your wife is home, could you find some type of childcare arrangement for limited hours? A neighborhood kid to come in while you are there working? A college student for a few hours a week?

**pstone** · 08-03-2005, 08:45 AM

I simply can not imagine having "to much" to do, that is impossible for me to do. I pray for it however, even though you make it sound like you pray for the opposite.

I do thank god for the anesthia path. The patient is always someone elses, when she is done she is done, no rounding and rounding, and no office.

Oh, looked at my calendar and the next thing I have is on Nov. 1st (1 Year peds visit)

Groan...now to just make it through intern year with a smile.

**PrincessFiona** · 08-03-2005, 11:35 AM

Peter,

It sounds like what you are struggling with a lot is being stuck at home and not feeling like you have a lot going on that you can 'do'...and I understand that feeling. When we started residency, we moved literally..across the world...and were thousands of miles from our families/friends/support system. It was very lonely and I really struggled. I had a 16 month old and a 6 week old and internship year hit me....hard.

This is going to sound like unusual advice probably, but...get out regardless of nap schedules, etc. It is my experience that naptime can be accomplished in a buggy or in the carseat if necessary. When my older children were younger, we took trips to the shopping mall (not that we could buy much) an hour away and they slept in the car....when they got older I bought a bike trailer and we biked around town...and to hell with naptime..they slept in the back of the trailer after we had stopped at the park to play. Going to the park is always a good thing because you meet other parents.

It's hard to put yourself out there, but you have to do it in order to find support.

You are in Gainesville....Do not stop..Do not collect $200...go straight to O2BKids. My greatest regret while we were there is that we never could sign up for a membership. We just...didn't have the money for the membership as lame as it sounds. I paid to get in a few times, but we couldn't do the $20/month at that time.

They have a great play are for little ones as well as the bigger ones, tons of preschool-type and older kid-type classe and the best part? You get to have a cup of coffee/tea and chat with other parents. My kids think we went for them.

Also...concact the Junior Medical Guild: http://www.ufjmg.freeservers.com/

When I was there it consisted mainly of couples without children...and as I was leaving, people were having babies, creating playgroups etc. Don't wait until tomorrow. Call someone today and find out when the next meeting is..and then go...and keep going..even if you feel akward at first.

Finally...Take advantage of the beach...We usually drove out to the East Coast (can't even remember the name of the town now

) when we could...and usually it was without my husband. There are tons of neat little towns and the beaches are nice. It does take about 1.5 hours to get there, but like I said...naptime can happen in the carseat.

PM me if you need more info.

Kris

PS....

Peter...Smile when you can..and cry when you need to.

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