need input

[cylverdust]

I really need someone input. My dh and I are getting married in two weeks. We had talked about kids and decided to have them right away because of my age. He then talked to his best friend. She told him he should wait two years until the first two years of med school are over. I did not like it but I agree. I did not tell him what it made me feel. I felt like he made this decision with her not me. I let it go. My family knew we were going to have kids right away and I told my sister tonight! She had a fit, worried for me that I won't get a chance if I wait! If we wait for this will we keep waiting, she sees that I am giving up everything and he nothing. I told her it was OUR decision and did not let her know about the situation but it brought it back up for me and now I feel anger and hurt.
It feels like he made this decision without me, and I keep remembering something that has nothing to do with, that during our Valentines lunch, she called and he spoke with her instead of telling her to call back. She is med school so understands him in a way I never will, but .... I don't want to feel like she has more say in the important decisions in my life than I do. btw he starts med school in Aug.
Help me through this one guys. I am feeling such anger and hurt towards him right now and this is something that happened a month ago.

Cheryl

Insecurity and disagreement are common, especially prior to getting married. Rather than speculate, I suggest you take the direct route and talk to him. You aren't happy with his decision to delay kids, so I think you guys need to bring it up again and find a better solution.

As a medical student, I think your husband-to-be received some bad advice. Year 1 and year 2 would be far easier to have a child than year 3. Year 4 would be okay, but I spent a lot of time away from home my 4th year interviewing and on externships. I would not want to be away from my wife while she was pregnant.

I'm not sure what to say about the girl he's been talking to.

[SuzySunshine]

You have to speak up NOW, that is one part of being a medical spouse, no some things you can hold your tongue but on more important things you have to speak up even if it cases a riff for a few days. There is no correct answer to this question but you should have made it together.

I agree, talk to him and let him know how you feel about having kids AND about the girl. I always have to remind myself that my DH can't read my mind, I have to be fair and let him know what I'm feeling if I expect him to change/stop something he is doing. And you did say she is his best friend, and I think its pretty natural to talk about life and big decisions with a close friend. I'm not saying its okay for him to make decisions about your life with her instead of you, I'm just saying you should keep that in mind. Have they known each other for a long time?

I also think you got bad advice on when to have kids. We had DD right at the beginning of DH's second year. My theory was that we could wait, but when in training would there ever be a "good" time to have kids?? Having DD right away was the right decision for us.

[PrincessFiona]

talk, talk, talk!

I can understand how you'd feel that he made the decision with her and not you....and ultimately, it is something between the two of YOU.....that's not a decision he necessarily even needs to discuss with someone else.

Go out to dinner tonight and have an honest heart-to-heart...it may end up being the first of many, but it's important that you guys can share your feelings/thoughts with each other on all topics.

Good Luck

kris

[Meenah]

I can only agree with what everyone here has said, TALK with him. The time before a wedding is also very stressful. Good luck.
Luanne

[Meenah]

Do you know where you will be moving to?
Luanne

[twinsmom]

Another vote for talk to the man. I would also bring up your hurt about the v-day conversation, if it is something that is really eating at you. I agree with Cheri, there is no right answer on when to start kids, but it is something that you decide as a COUPLE, not from his making the decision with someone else. (As for timing, with med school/internship/residency, there really IS NO golden time to have kids - it's just a 'hold your breath and jump' kind of thing and you make it work regardless of when you do it!).

Jen B.

[cylverdust]

Talked

Hi Guys,
I actually talked to him that night when he came home! I could not hold it in. He never meant it to come out like that. I knew that he didn't but when you are feeling anger and hurt it is hard to be rational We talked about it and I told him exactly how it made me feel including the v day dinner and as for him he never meant to make me feel that way!
Thanks so much for the input!! Talking makes all the difference!!

[SueC]

I'm so glad you guys had a good talk. I'm always amazed at how effective actual communication can be after stewing over something for awhile. It sounds like you were holding a lot in beforehand, and I'm sure you didn't need the extra stress right before your wedding.

[cylverdust]

It felt good

It felt good to talk and I usually do to dh but for some reason I said nothing about this particular issue. I won't do that again! It upset me far too much !! I am so glad I talked to him and he listened to my worries and upsets!!

[cylverdust]

thank you so much

I just wanted to say thank you so much for being here for me! This website is a Godsend!!

[cylverdust]

moving

Do you know where you will be moving to?
Luanne

We will be moving to Vallejo, CA in mid july or so!