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Entropy, wow you have alot on your plate right now.
1. Regarding social situations: I think you need to be frank and brief in describing your husband's job, I wouldn't try to hide it as that draws more attention to the issue. My husband is a gastroenterologist in training. When people ask me I tell them that he is a gastroenterologist and then make a joke that its a profoundly disgusting profession but he's happy. Then I move on in conversation.
2. Comments of Not as Nice as Your Stuff: While I think one should not get in the habit of putting oneself down, I do think this comment is a nice opportunity to compliment someone else. As in, "Yes, the house is really nice but I will never have the eye for color that you do in decorating it." Or, "Your Stuff is stunning." You know, as I read this I think more and more that you are surrounded by some odd ducks to be talking so much about possessions.
3. Stuff in General: Here I diverge from most of society, but I think that people and doctors especially can be overly materialistic, conspicous consumers, etc. In my view, a house should look like a home - - and I am sure yours will. Perhaps the comments in the office you are hearing about "other doctors" are referring to houses that were built as showplaces, not homes. I understand why this happens with doctors - - all that delay of gratification during training, the many long hours they put in at practice, the status seeking personality. Yet, I sometimes wonder if dawkters/dawkters spouses play a part in isolating themselves socially through these displays. Again, Entropy, I DON'T MEAN YOU, I just mean that your predecessors in the community may have done some damage. My husband and I, while not wealthy, have gone through his training with far more financial comfort than virtually all of his co-residents and our nonmedical friends. I have always tried to severely downplay that because its important to me to have friends and its important that we fit in with our friends. So, we live comfortably but not lavishly, I always tell people we bought the last affordable condo in our fancy neighbhorhood when they ask me where we live even though that is not precisely true, I never volunteer info about our vacations, spend most of my time dressed in EveryWoman yogawear, and if I am wearing something nice and someone asks where I got it I lie and say I bought it on clearance sale. Most of all I try to focus my talks and interaction on things of importance to me: family, friends, etc.
3. How much is your house? Your response: Too much, the market is crazy. If they press, your response: I can't even bear to talk about it, it was THAT painful.
4. Giving gifts to others. This is tricky stuff. I grew up in a very similar family situation to you and I have at times felt physically ill with guilt over enjoying so much while my family has relatively little. I have given thousands, in fact I am into the tens of thousands, to family members over the years. Its a mixed bag. On the one hand I think its good to redistribute wealth - - its a very American conception I think that one sibling or family member should hoard wealth and not share it with others. On the other hand, giving money to family changes your relations with them - - sometimes expectations form, sometimes you just feel like you are stuck in a pattern. My advice is to give generously, infrequently, and in stuff/travel rather than money. That is giving small amounts of cash regularly does begin to monetize your family relations. But, paying for a great trip for your sister once in a blue moon or buying her a new sofa for her new place is more of a celebration of events in her life - - not a regular cash transfer.
Most of all I think you need to work on letting go of guilt - - it sounds like you may feel guilty about your good fortune. Maybe a productive way to deal with this is to call Fidelity or Vanguard and start building a charitable mutual fund so you can anonymously transfer the proceeds of your appreciated fund in the future to a charity, scholarship fund, etc.
Hope this helps.
1. Regarding social situations: I think you need to be frank and brief in describing your husband's job, I wouldn't try to hide it as that draws more attention to the issue. My husband is a gastroenterologist in training. When people ask me I tell them that he is a gastroenterologist and then make a joke that its a profoundly disgusting profession but he's happy. Then I move on in conversation.
2. Comments of Not as Nice as Your Stuff: While I think one should not get in the habit of putting oneself down, I do think this comment is a nice opportunity to compliment someone else. As in, "Yes, the house is really nice but I will never have the eye for color that you do in decorating it." Or, "Your Stuff is stunning." You know, as I read this I think more and more that you are surrounded by some odd ducks to be talking so much about possessions.
3. Stuff in General: Here I diverge from most of society, but I think that people and doctors especially can be overly materialistic, conspicous consumers, etc. In my view, a house should look like a home - - and I am sure yours will. Perhaps the comments in the office you are hearing about "other doctors" are referring to houses that were built as showplaces, not homes. I understand why this happens with doctors - - all that delay of gratification during training, the many long hours they put in at practice, the status seeking personality. Yet, I sometimes wonder if dawkters/dawkters spouses play a part in isolating themselves socially through these displays. Again, Entropy, I DON'T MEAN YOU, I just mean that your predecessors in the community may have done some damage. My husband and I, while not wealthy, have gone through his training with far more financial comfort than virtually all of his co-residents and our nonmedical friends. I have always tried to severely downplay that because its important to me to have friends and its important that we fit in with our friends. So, we live comfortably but not lavishly, I always tell people we bought the last affordable condo in our fancy neighbhorhood when they ask me where we live even though that is not precisely true, I never volunteer info about our vacations, spend most of my time dressed in EveryWoman yogawear, and if I am wearing something nice and someone asks where I got it I lie and say I bought it on clearance sale. Most of all I try to focus my talks and interaction on things of importance to me: family, friends, etc.
3. How much is your house? Your response: Too much, the market is crazy. If they press, your response: I can't even bear to talk about it, it was THAT painful.
4. Giving gifts to others. This is tricky stuff. I grew up in a very similar family situation to you and I have at times felt physically ill with guilt over enjoying so much while my family has relatively little. I have given thousands, in fact I am into the tens of thousands, to family members over the years. Its a mixed bag. On the one hand I think its good to redistribute wealth - - its a very American conception I think that one sibling or family member should hoard wealth and not share it with others. On the other hand, giving money to family changes your relations with them - - sometimes expectations form, sometimes you just feel like you are stuck in a pattern. My advice is to give generously, infrequently, and in stuff/travel rather than money. That is giving small amounts of cash regularly does begin to monetize your family relations. But, paying for a great trip for your sister once in a blue moon or buying her a new sofa for her new place is more of a celebration of events in her life - - not a regular cash transfer.
Most of all I think you need to work on letting go of guilt - - it sounds like you may feel guilty about your good fortune. Maybe a productive way to deal with this is to call Fidelity or Vanguard and start building a charitable mutual fund so you can anonymously transfer the proceeds of your appreciated fund in the future to a charity, scholarship fund, etc.
Hope this helps.
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