Worried about being alone...

I asked this question on a similar discussion board...however, I forgot how to get there and lost the link...My question is simple...I'm a single male medical student going into third year...I barely have enough time for myself much less make an earnest effort to get out into the dating scene...often times I get discouraged and down right jealous of my friends who have significant others to help them through the tough times and share the happiness of the good times...I'm not Brad Pitt or Mel Gibson...however, I consider myself above average in terms of looks...I also think I have a very genuine and laid back personality...nonetheless, I have been single and dateless for the longest time I can ever remember...I'm worried that things will only get worse as the years go by...my schedule will get more and more busy leaving even less time to devote towards building a meaningful relationship with a special lady...In short, I'm feeling a bit depressed and would appreciate anybody who has been there and done that to offer some advice on how to get out of my slump...thanks for listening

Hi there, and welcome to the board. The thing about love is this: you never know when it will hit you! I met my husband when he was in the middle of second year, just a little earlier than the stage you are at now. We were introduced by mutual friends (a blind date for breakfast at a greasy spoon in town, then tea afterward). A few more dates and a few months later and we were so in love. We knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with each other. That said, we lived in cities that were five hours apart (by car), and my husband had little time for travelling and taking the weekend off to see me. So what did we do? We saw each other less often and tried to write letters (before email was so popular) and phone each other (being a poor grad student myself, we kept our phone bills lower by talking less and writing more). That was over ten years ago! And we now have two beautiful daughters.



My point is this: if you meet the right person, and she is understanding, relatively independant, and flexible, things will work out. We saw each other less, went on big camping/hiking/canoeing trips in the summer, and just dealt with the fact that we both had hectic schedules (his moreso than mine).



During residency, I can remember a few of the residents who found partners. One couple were both in the same specialty! I think that it will work out for you, especially since it is something you want. When it happens, you and she will be able to make it work!



Good luck, and let us know how med school is going. Just because you are not a medical spouse does not mean we here at the board wouldn't do anything to help support you during your training. That may be what the title of the board says, but we here are all in vastly different stages of training and in different countries. We're all here to support each other through training. So, again, it's nice to meet you!



Janet

I have to agree with Janet. I don't think that we can ever go looking for love. I spent a few years in college looking for that "Mr. Right" and never stumbled across him. Then, when I was least looking for it, Thomas came into my life.



I would suggest that you be patient with yourself and perhaps allow yourself to simply form friendships with women without worrying about whether or not this will turn into a romantic relationship. Like Janet, I have seen several single friends find their "soulmate" in medical school or residency. One of my husband's closest friends was in a similar situation to yours. He completed residency and started a GI fellowship without a relationship. During his first year of fellowship, he met a wonderful woman who is a resident and is very understanding about his hours and the demands placed on him...and they are really happy together!



Keep us posted



Kris




The Medical Spouse Network Edited by: kmmath  at: 6/19/01 3:53:24 pm

[DCJenn]

ONLINE DATING-



So many of the people I know, my husband and I included- have met online. It was great- he was in med school (3rd year) and we corresponded when it was convenient. He could write back at 3 am if he needed to, and I certainly didn't care. He was 15 hours away and we still were able to figure it out. Try it!



Jenn

where are you? i love to set people up! no, really, i think blind dates might be a good option? do you have any friends that want to set you up with people? this is how i met my fiance also - he was in his third year of med school.



something else that i wanted to mention regarding your busy schedule - you will have time! don't worry! during some rotations, it seems as if my fiance and his friends have all the time in the world to go out! i would say they go out at least once a week, maybe once every two weeks. and there are many nights where he gets home early and would have plenty of time to oh, walk a dog or go to the gym or a coffee shop or a bookstore and hope to bump into someone!



chin up!! it will happen - and i really hate to say this but i will. you are very, very marketable to women. you will actually need to be cautious re: who you date - i remember many girls in college would say "oh i need to just marry a doctor" for all of the wrong reasons.

thanks everybody for the replies...I know it will eventually happen...nonetheless, I'd like for it to happen sooner than later...any suggestions on the best place to meet educated, attractive, and genuine women? thanks again

Well that is a tough one. Many times, people meet through mutual friends. Just be active and do that things that are true to your heart, and you might meet someone who has similar interests. For example, if you love canoeing/hiking/camping, join a wilderness club. If you find church meaningful to your life, go there often and get involved. If you love being active, join a gym that has a lot of members your age. Go at a time when people your age work out. Get active in your social circle. Let people know you'd love to be introduced to their favourite single friends. Have a BBQ in a park and invite lots of people. Tell them to "bring some friends". Make sure you have fisbies, volleyballs, footballs, soccer balls, or whatever would work. Have the party at the beach and have beach volleyball. THe more you get out, the more you will meet people.



The least productive place to meet people is at a bar. Sure, it happens, but not that often. Campus pubs can be good for meeting others.



Good luck!

I agree with Claudia...I love to set people up. I am 2 for 2. I set up my siter-in-law with her now husband and 2 of my friends who are now husband and wife. If you live nearby I have a plethora of friends who are looking for that right person. Otherwise, another suggestion is to go to Match.com or ask to be set-up by friends/family, or make sure to go places you don't normally go to eat lunch or hang out at the hospital. We know someone who just got engaged to a nurse at one of the hospitals he was rotating at.



Bottom line - I know many people who found someone during their residency. You just have to be patient and she will come walking into your life when you least expect it.

I'm definitely a bit leary of being set up. My mother and sister are constantly setting me up on blind dates with woman that they think will be perfect for me. Invariably, there never is any chemistry and nothing ever happens. I truly hope that I'll find a girl during residency that I'll not only be attracted to physically but mentally as well. My bike definitely attracts plenty of women. However, not the kind I want to bring home to mom and dad...lol

[Meenah]

I have to agree with everyone. When you least expect it, you will meet someone. Just be sure it is someone who can tolerate your hours, not someone who thinks the hours will change. My husband still has call 4 to 5 nights out of 7. He is in solo practice with cross coverage with a group in town. He is on call 4 to 5 out of 7. We have four children between us (18,17,16,15). We have very little time together. On the up side, I am a nurse and also work crazy hours. Good luck, and welcome.

Luanne