Any hubbies of walkaways?

Just throwing this out there to see who´s out there...

As my wife just finished her internship, we are in that situation that I have come to discover is quite common....the walkaway spouse. I guess technically we haven´t separated thank God...but our relationship has come to a complete stop save civility and emotionally intense conversations serving only to make her feel more uncomfortable and give me that much more to think or worry about.

Any guys out there in the same situ? Experienced it? Gone through it? Survived it? lol..is it even appropriate to ask...I´m way too new to get the vibe here yet :!

Just hoping to hear some stories to relate to and network a bit

Siempre

[fluffhead]

Hi Siempre,
I don't think there's anything that's inappropriate to ask here...
Things tend to be pretty slow on this board, sorry I don't have much to share for your situation, but it sounds like once the year is over things may improve?

I too don't think your question is inappropriate. I can't say that i am as far along as you as my SO is only entering her third year of school. however she is a perfectionist and everyday is a struggle. I have definitely contemplated your exact thoughts many a day and sometimes several times in one day! i tink the question is how bad do you want her and this type of lifestyle? i have been on this board for about a month now and the responses i get are pretty good. i think the most important thing is to have her recognize your feelings and attempt to make changes or not necessarily changes but make time to let you know how important you are. if she isn't maybe this isn't the lifestyle for you. i definitely am uncertain thus far. how long have you all been together?

[obgyn_boyo]

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

Hi Siempre,

I think your question is a good one too. In fact I'm kind of in the same situation myself and wondering if we can move forward and make it better or is it something I just have to accept if I want to stay married.

How're things working for you now?

[McPants]

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

Looks like ParaSiempre hasn't logged in since January 2006, so I figure the chances of him responding are rather slim.

My gf is still only in her third year of med school so we've not really experienced the kind of thing you guys have mentioned, although of course I do worry that it might happen one day. Still, given that she's very affectionate (*cough*needy*cough*) and seems happy to get by doing as little work as possible, I am quite hopeful that we'll be able to maintain a reasonable amount of social life and emotional closeness even when she's made to start spending 10+ hours per day in the wards. At least I know she won't spend any time there that she doesn't have to.

[obgyn_boyo]

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

hey mcpants, i didn't realize siempre hadn't been here in so long. Wonder how things turned out for him? It sounds like your gf makes spending time with you a priority. That's great! If you can keep her understanding how important that is, even when time is short, I think it will help you guys a lot. I think my wife and I got into trouble when I started to feel that I was down below work, study, research, sleep, friends and family, watching old TV shows, and things like maintaining the garden on her facebook page on her priority list.

Baseball's the sport I like as a spectator--but my team didn't make the playoffs, so I'm a little removed from the action right now.

[PrincessFiona]

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

obgyn_boyo.

My neighbor is the male spouse of a successful (and fabulous) obgyn. If you're interested, I could give you his email address...he might be able to provide you with some support and hope that things get better. They definitely do! Let me know!

Kris

[McPants]

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

hey mcpants, i didn't realize siempre hadn't been here in so long. Wonder how things turned out for him? It sounds like your gf makes spending time with you a priority. That's great! If you can keep her understanding how important that is, even when time is short, I think it will help you guys a lot. I think my wife and I got into trouble when I started to feel that I was down below work, study, research, sleep, friends and family, watching old TV shows, and things like maintaining the garden on her facebook page on her priority list.

Baseball's the sport I like as a spectator--but my team didn't make the playoffs, so I'm a little removed from the action right now.

Well, given that he seems to have stopped posting after only a month of activity, I guess it isn't unlikely that he's either no longer a medical spouse or that they resolved their differences and he's no longer a disgruntled medical spouse. Let's hope it's the latter.

Thanks for the encouragement, I think our chances are very good in general. I guess what sets us apart from a lot of the couples I hear about on this forum is that the gf doesn't really have a passion for medicine. She just happened to have the grades and contacts to get into med school and parents who really pushed her towards medicine for reasons that may have had less to do with her than they should have. I'd say she is about as far from a type A personality as one could get. She appears to care a lot more about me than medicine although I fear that medicine will try to do what it can to gradually undermine my position. She often says she'll only want to work part-time in order for her to be able to take care of all the babies she wants to have as soon as she's done with her education although I very much doubt that those threats are of a serious nature.

That doesn't mean I haven't had to make sacrifices in order to be with her though - I had to move from my own country for her and had to go through the anything but smooth process of relocating my research to a university in another country and with a completely different system of education (thank god I ended up getting a scholarship to continue my research, otherwise I don't know what I'd have done!)

Being European, I don't really have any local teams in the American professional leagues, however I do follow the NFL with considerable interest and also tend to watch baseball or other sports when the opportunity presents itself.

[obgyn_boyo]

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

Princess Fiona,

I would be glad of your neighbor's email--obviously all individual situations are different, but to talk to someone who has gone down a similar path could definitely be a help to me.

McPants--great to know your gf is devoted to you--and you to her, what with the moving you've done already! She'll need some fire in the belly to make it through the process. From what I've seen, a medical career isn't for those who feel ambivalent about it.

[McPants]

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

McPants--great to know your gf is devoted to you--and you to her, what with the moving you've done already! She'll need some fire in the belly to make it through the process. From what I've seen, a medical career isn't for those who feel ambivalent about it.

She eats a LOT of curry, so she definitely has enough fire in her belly. Ahem. To be serious though, as far as I can tell, med students here don't do nearly as much work as they do in the U.S. (doctors' wages are also quite a bit lower than in the U.S.), so I think she'll be able to get through it with her current level of dedication. Still, it'll of course get progressively tougher the further into her training she gets. I'm sure she'll adjust to the increased pressure, though she really doesn't have a competitive bone in her body, so at times I wonder how she'll cope with all the aggressive type A personalities she's surrounded by. At the moment she seems to be focused on pursuing a career in academic medicine/research, which perhaps will allow her to thrive better. "I can't wait to get away from those [expletive] wards" has gotten to be a rather common quote in the McPants household in recent times.

[obgyn_boyo]

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

I don't think the type As are too terrible actually, at least in med school. Most of my wife's friends were pretty nice, really. I do think the niceness gets scoured off them as they go through residency--some come through more intact then others. If she doesn't like the wards, then research sounds like a good way to go. Or pathology! Nice hours and they practically never actually see a patient. My wife added a year to medical school to do a pathology fellowship, and actually liked it pretty well. And they really do get the answers--unfortunately it is often from a postmortem.

[McPants]

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

Hmm, given her lack of enthusiasm towards the cadavers during all those dissection classes they took during the first two years, I doubt she'd be very happy focusing on pathology. She's a bit squeamish and dead people and body parts tend to freak her out.

She is looking forward to the psychiatry part of her education, but she worries that it might be a bit emotionally taxing. The aspects of med school she's found the most enjoyable thus far have been the theoretical courses. In particular the student-selected component on the history of medicine was fascinating to her and she ended up top in her year in that module. Kind of goes to show what she can accomplish when she finds something vaguely interesting, I guess. I doubt medical doctors conduct much research in that field, unfortunately.

Heh, I should make her create a login here, seeing how most of these posts have been written under her direct supervision.

[obgyn_boyo]

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

ah, the pathologists don't necessarily only deal with dead people. A lot of it is from the still living--surgical specimens, biopsies, and the like--although I'm sure any path residency would have a lot of postmortems to do.

Isn't it great all the stuff we pick up second hand?

[McPants]

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

ah, the pathologists don't necessarily only deal with dead people. A lot of it is from the still living--surgical specimens, biopsies, and the like--although I'm sure any path residency would have a lot of postmortems to do.

Isn't it great all the stuff we pick up second hand?

Oh, sure is. The gf hasn't really been through enough to be able to impart too much wisdom on me yet. This is the first year she's out on the wards more than once a week, so the kind of knowledge she passes on to me is stuff like "you know, if you're first or last into a examination room, they may make you demonstrate some procedure, so when I'm at risk of being the first one in, my trick is to always take an extra long time cleaning my hands before entering. It doesn't matter if the others realize what I'm doing, I'm not moving before someone else has finished and entered the room." Apparently it almost always works.

Re: Any hubbies of walkaways?

I have nothing to add to this conversation...but it is good to see some action in this forum! There has been a VERY long time with little/no activity!

Relationships are hard enough, add in the time-suck of medicine (and all that it encompasses) and it is damn hard. Period. Best of luck to all in finding the balance for your GF/DW and for yourselves. It really opens your eyes to the dynamics of what makes your relationship work and what causes the smallest things to be so unbelievably irritating.

Again, good to see some other males on here....I will try my best to get back here more!

Good luck!