Here we go again...

[DCJenn]

I can't decide if the best thing for me is to read all of the news- the Army Times, military.com, CNN, MSNBC, and the Washington Post- all of which I surf all day long...

OR if I should ignore it.

Reading it makes me have a near anxiety attack just about every morning. (loved todays news about yet another helicopter shot down) But not reading it makes me feel slightly less in control. (knowledge being power and all that)

All I know is that my stomach isn't going to be the same until April 1, 2008 which is the day that my husband is supposed to leave Iraq. (or April 2, I suppose)

Of course it doesn't help that quite a bit of the material that he brought home from the ACS (Army Community Service) talks about PTSD and has horrific stories of husbands attempting to strangle their wives while asleep. Great.

This sucks.

I'm going to need that damned treadmill ASAP. I filed the federal taxes last night and the moment the refund hits the checking account I will be at Fitness in Motion to order the treadmill.

The only way I can describe it is it's similar to the emotional rollercoaster of getting divorced with the notable exception of the fact that I'd like to keep this husband and more importantly, I'd like to keep him alive and healthy. The dread, anxiety, sleepless nights and general angst remain the same though. oh, and the panic attacks. They're tons of fun, too. I've been really enjoying waking up feeling like I can't breathe.

Have I mentioned how much this sucks? and in my truly darker moments I'm not even being remotely supportive of my other friends who are AF. They deploy for at most 6 months. My thoughts these days is BFD. This is definitely not a defining moment of glorious altruism for me. I am most definitely NOT embracing the world.

My husband fully admits that he's excited about going and is looking forward to getting there and doing his job. "It's always harder on the people at home."

No Shit.

Oh well. It's noon and now I must go eat something. Generally, I eat based on what time it is because I certainly have no appetite these days. That said, I also don't need to make myself sick because I have to take care of Nikolai, too.

and the kicker of the day is that he called to tell me when we have to go to the JAG to do the wills and discuss what kind of funeral he would want...

[DCJenn]

Here's the link to the hospital to which he's been assigned. He's probably going to Camp Cropper, FYI.

https://www.bliss.army.mil/LocalUnitLin ... index2.htm

[DCJenn]

Our friend Dave has arrived from California. Dave was the best man at our wedding and has been friends with Rick since they played Little League together. Dave's dad was the first 'normal' dad that Rick ever saw up close.

Rick and Dave have gone out to Rosarios- one of the local Mexican places and I hope they're having a great time.

Their other friend is coming in from Houston on Saturday w/ his wife and their son- I've never met them but both Dave and Rick have said that Alan is one of the funniest people in the world.

I'm so glad his friends are being so supportive. I just wish his asshat family was. It's really bothered him that not one of the sisters has made even a token effort to come and see him. we knew that my MIL won't travel- but his oldest sister seems to be able to fly anywhere she wants to for fun...

then again, I can't stand his oldest sister so I'm OK with her not coming.

He still needs to call his birth mother and let her know. She's such a sweet lady. She's had an emotionally draining life, that's for sure.

So, it's play time with the Boys in town. I'm going with our friend Jeannette to the theater tomorrow night and I called our sitter- I somehow don't think Dave and Rick will be in any shape to deal with the dude. (and sittercity has come through in the biggest way for us. Our most recent additions to the cadre are fantastic)

Might as well live it up- in two weeks life is going to change drastically.

[DCJenn]

Well, my living room looks like an Army depot. We have all kinds of piles of stuff.

I can't believe he leaves in a week. It's ridiculous.

We go and pick up the wills tomorrow and I have power of attorney for the next 15 months. I spoke with our financial planner and mapped out a master plan. We've visited with friends and now it's just time to have quality time together. He gets a break mid-March so Nikolai and I will head to El Paso for the weekend.

It's still so surreal.

[DCJenn]

To get through this, I'm going to have to focus on the break that he gets mid-way. (we actually don't know when he'll get it, but hopefully it'll be later rather than sooner.)

I'm thinking Istanbul or Athens or a combination of the two OR continue my push for Croatia.

He wants to go to Italy or Germany- I'm OK with both having only been to Florence and I had a great time when I did Germany over three weeks after college.

So I will be obsessively searching the travel websites and buying travel guides. We're not the sit on the beach and stare at the ocean kind of travelers- although maybe we'll need some quiet time for him to decompress. (again- Greece could work!)

and although it seems like a long time now, at the outset- we dated for 14 months- he was gone for 9, I was gone for 1. We can do this. Nikolai won't even remember this little blip in his life and to be honest, I'm a control freak about painting and decorating and he finds that a tad annoying. So, I'll get the house done and start on the yard and we can plan out the fabulous xeriscaped yard next summer.

All of my friends and family are asking, "so how are you doing". There's really no answer. I'm doing fine. Yeah, he's leaving but the cat still is puking, the dog still needs a bath, the garbage still needs to go out. Life does go on. We can't just come to a screeching halt because that's impossible.

My boss is being fantastic- he knows my limitations. He's given me some challenging projects but the kind I can leave at work. We met with a judge from the drug court yesterday to talk about working together when they get an addicted mother who is at risk for losing her children. They'll refer her to us and the jail diversion dollars to funnel help our way. (hopefully). Keeping people out of jail for misdemeanors and keeping the kids out of foster care by providing appropriate supports is so much more cost effective and significantly less traumatizing for all. Better mom gets treatment and support and her kids get support than everyone continuing the cycle of drug abuse. We were talking about how drug treatment and prevention is so targeted to the childhood years and then- bam once they're out of the school system it stops. The recidivism rate drops drastically when jail diversion programs are able to target the underlying causes of crime and addiction- lack of education, lack of stable housing, lack of transportation and lack of social supports.

So, for that part of my life, things are definitely streaming forward and continue to be very interesting.

I'm excited about getting some paint up- I'm waiting for the tax return to pay off some bills and then get some things done around the house- like get the treadmill. I have to interview some painters- I got some names from Angies list- one is a female owned and operated company which intrigues me- I'll definitely give them a call, and they got rave reviews.

Things are what they are and we can't change them- we just have to look forward to the future and not wallow in our sadness. I can't wallow. It's not in my nature. I'm done and it's time to get a move on with the rest of my/our life.

[DCJenn]

We were invited to the Col.'s house for dinner tonight. They're really nice people but you know....he's the Col. Rick's colleague and his wife and kids came as well which was nice.

(and apparently his colleague will be deploying sooner rather than later as well- although he's AF and it will only be for four(ish) months.)

They raise goats and sheep and they have a bunch of baby goats right now. They are so cute. Makes me glad I don't really like goat meat. (unlike lamb. luckily we didn't get to see the sheep today) Seriously though, the critters were just a few weeks old and they were hilarious. Nikolai and his buddy Ava were all over the babies.

Everyone is very concerned about how I'm doing. I don't know how to answer that! He's sitting in my living room watching Battlestar Gallactica and drinking a beer. I'm fine. Everything is as it should be. We're not clinging to each other and weeping which I guess is what we're supposed to be doing. (I think he'd much rather watch BG than have me cling and weep, even if it were possible for me to cling and weep. I'm not sure that I'm capable though)

My friend from 6th grade emailed me and told me she was going to try to get us tickets to the Police in Denver and her husband would watch the Dude. I'm crossing my fingers that she was successful but I haven't heard back yet. The show is in early June.

It's been a glorious weekend and we did a ton of yardwork- cut down a bunch of dead trees and dug up of two non-functioning fish ponds. (OK- so if you ever have a need to install a fish pond, don't do it directly underneath a pomegranete tree. Fruit+water= mess.) Our yard has suffered benign neglect for years and it's nice to start getting some of it taken care of. I told Rick that I am planning on taking at least one day off per week to attend to things like the yard. I love doing it- I shouldn't EVER be outside for more than 15 minutes- even with hats, long sleeves and #500SPF but I love it.

I have some pictures to post of the inside of the house but I'm too lazy at the moment. We need to get a consensus vote on the colors to paint- I know what I'm going to do, but I'll be interested to hear what everyone else thinks.

Oh- the only sucky part of the day was when I found out that I don't get to take Rick to the airport, they're 'mustering' at Ft. Sam at 7:30 AM. We can stay for part and there's supposed to be a ceremony this week sometime but jeez- must they take him at 7:30 am? Come on- the flight to El Paso isn't until 11!

[DCJenn]

So, we all know (well anyone who has posted here for more than two years) that I internalize my stress. Anyone remember the hive incident in Bum-F, Virginia? When I had to get the girl at the hotel to come pick me up at 5am? with her mom in their PJs? Yeah, that's a business trip no one ever needs to have.

Guess what has reappeared. Itchy red bumps of no known origin. and my latest panic attack has me convinced that my thyroid is cutting off my airway. (at least until Rick laughed out loud at me and pointed out that it's my thyroid that's growing outward...not inward, which is how they knew something is wrong. and have I had the panel done yet? Nope.)

At least I don't have the huge red swatches of 100+ degree skin (yet).

and we watched the Elmo video again to try to get Nikolai to understand what's happening and as a result he's either clinging on Rick or yelling at him. I ordered pillows for them both though. Nikolai's has the three of us on graduation from fellowship and Rick's has a great picture of the dude playing with his trains with a huge grin on his face. They can hug their pillows and I'll get Petey. He's awesomely huggable.

and of course as I was channel surfing I caught a part of an episode of Little People Big World and it was some family that the dad was leaving for Iraq. The poor kid was bawling as his dad left which kind of makes me glad that Nikolai really is clueless. Rick walked in as I was semi-hysterical. Still not as hysterical as I was the first time that I saw Philadephia but bad nonetheless. (that set the Gold Standard as I went through an ENTIRE box of kleenex.)

We have the Video conference from the Hospital Commander tomorrow at 9am. Yay.

[DCJenn]

The video conference was amazing. Anyone who doubts that abilities of the US Military should just shut their traps. We had literally every Army post from Hawaii to Germany logged on at the same time with clear communications. and that's about all that I can say due to some of the confidentiality of what was communicated to us. Now, obviously they're not telling us Secret stuff, but nonetheless, suffice it to say that nothing has changed too much from the mission as we know it. Detainee health care.

Good news- there is a one week course in SA that he'll be attending which means that he'll be home with us for a week in March. We'll then go to El Paso for the one weekend they have off during the month of March and then they go on to additonal training.

More good news- if they're in country more than 365 days the law says that they must be paid significantly more money. So, once we have the boots on the ground day, we start counting back. (the gov't does not want to pay any more than they already are!)

I was given the pager number for several medical staff who have volunteered to see Nikolai and I for various reasons. I was told today by the peds staff that I was the only medical spouse who waited in line (theres a check-in at the various clinics that sometimes have lines) with the patients to make an appointment or to see my spouse. I was flattered- I told them that it was just polite- I hate it when spouses pull the entitlement card. Why should I get preferential treatment because my husband works there? Asinine. I know that if I were standing in line with my sick kid and some woman trotted in, busted in front of me and then got to see a doctor, I'd be pissed. She wouldn't know that I was talking to my husband and I'm sorry- appearances do matter.

I'm not going to work over the next few days- I decided that really- I have nothing at work that matters as much as spending time with my husband.

[DCJenn]

So- I went to work- but only because I was making my husband crazy because he had these online courses he needed to take.

I came home and changed into proper "Major's Wife" clothing (although Vishenka will be horrifed to know that I wore open toed shoes and didn't paint my toenails. I hid them most of the time, I promise) We went to the ceremony- and holy moly the Actual Hospital Commander spoke (a 1-Star general. It's a pretty significant thing. Not as significant as the graduation from fellowship but pretty Big)

There were nine of them and they had to march in and stand at attention which was hilarious because 1) the enlisted guys, 2) my husband the former enlisted guy and 3) the guy who went to West Point were the only ones who marched together and knew how to stand at attention and 'at parade rest'.

It was cool.

We went and picked up the dude who was in a pissy mood and just wanted to play in his room in the dark. (ok. how fun is he going to be at 16?)

We had a fab meal and now he's watching something on TV while I catch up here.

I love this man beyond words. We have had some nasty arguments but really, when you get right down to it, we agree on everything. Online dating- it works! He's wonderful to me, to Nikolai, to his friends and family. (even to the asshat sister)

I'm going to miss him a LOT.

Our running joke phrase is "you don't know me" which we throw out when one or the other of us does or says exactly what the other predicted we'd do. It's going to be kinda sad to not have anyone 'not know me' for a year+.

[DCJenn]

So. What I didn't realize was the impact that his stress was having on the rest of us. Now that the Black Cloud of Gloom has gone to Ft.Bliss, things are much more relaxed.

He sounds more relaxed, I know I'm more relaxed. Nikolai is missing his daddy which totally sucks but the pillow came that I ordered with the picture of the three of us so he reads stories to daddy every night. (that was their thing- bed time)

I'm getting a ton more exercise and am definitely eating better. Of course after our binge of the last month I'm detoxing off butter and cheese so it HAS to be a better diet by default. I'm limiting myself to one 6 ounce glass of wine at night and I have to say the combination of better eating, more exercise and less vino has improved my outlook considerably.

Work is good. Home is better than expected. Hubby sounds happy. he got his anthrax shot and his smallpox shots yesterday. He said the anthrax didn't hurt at first but shortly afterward felt like someone extinguished a cigarette on his arm. He's off doing field training for their weapons for the next few days so I won't hear from him.

I'm loving the stuff going on at Walter Reed. (See the Washington Post online for detail) I love the fact that they're putting the higher ups on notice for the crappy way they have treated the outpatient services. They're claiming that they didn't know about the crappy living environments, etc. Bull. Of course, this gets back to the piss poor preparations made prior to going to war. It's a good thing Rummy is gone, that's for sure.

[DCJenn]

Today we get to pick up daddy at the airport. He called last night and was super frustrated after spending the entire afternoon waiting. I guess they had finished their training and had to wait for a van to come get them. At 10:00 last night they were finally on their way back to the barracks.

I think it's going to be great to see Rick but I'm really afraid how Nikolai is going to react after he leaves again. Of course we leave immediately afterward to go to see Rick at Ft. Bliss and then three days later leave again to go to my parents. But somewhere in there it's going to dawn on him that daddy is gone again. (and this one will be the big one)

I've been able to work out a lot more and I keep waiting for the stupid income tax refund. (it better get here soon- they sent a letter saying that we needed more work done on our account so they weren't going to direct deposit it- the "check was in the mail". and if we didn't get it in three weeks, we could call. Who does this? You know if any Joe Blow who had to pay the IRS said, "but I mailed my check three weeks ago" they'd start charging interest and penalties. Maybe I should charge the IRS interst and penalties. I seriously hope that they didn't reduce the amount of the return. I used Turbo Tax and this is the first time that this has happened. So...I wait. and hope that a whole bunch of checks don't bounce. )

Anyway, it's going to be great to have our three-person famly back to being three people.

[DCJenn]

First: Got the tax return. Apparently the IRS didn't believe me when I said how much money we spent in interest. (little note on the check says "interest")

The ADT guy is here now reactivating the alarm. The HVAC guys come tomorrow to tell us how bad it's going to be to redo the entire system. (the original system was designed for a one story house. We have an upstairs and as a result, it's beastly hot up there and freezing downstairs)

Once we get that information then I can figure out where to concentrate the efforts to pay off everything and save as much money as possible.

We had an amazing dinner last night at a new place out in the boonies. Well, the former boonies, now it's more strip malls and subdivisions. (1604 and 281 for those who know SA) I had duck in a persimmon sauce and what they called scallopped sweet potatoes but were really layers of sweet potatoes held together with goat cheese and other yummyness. Not like the betty crocker box at all.

The waitress is a friend of our friend and she does catering on the side. She's amazing and has this way of describing food that you end up ordering everything. Our friend was with us and we all decided that she need not tell her deployed husband about our amazing dinner. (he's apparently craving sushi at the moment)

For dessert we had their "heaven and hell" which was a dark chocolate cake with red pepper/chilis along side their tres leches cake. OMG. The chocolate cake was unreal. First all you taste is the dark chocolate and then the chilis spring in to action and it was a mouth orgasm. Seriously.

We also split a fab bottle of Spanish wine that went very well w/ the dishes that all three of us got.

Other than that we're just hanging out when he gets home from training. We've seen a few movies and tonight I think we'll fire up the hot tub one last time before he leaves.

and perhaps things may be looking up since the Army Surgeon General (the now infamous General Kiley) apparently put out an edict about which Army physicians should not be deployed for more than six months due to skill/knowledge degradation (uh, duh?) and neurologists of all stripes are listed. So...maybe we'll get him back in the fall. I'll believe it when he walks through the front door but it's better news than not having any news at all!

[DCJenn]

Nikolai and I just got back from El Paso, where we kissed Rick good-bye for the undetermined amount of time.

The weekend: Nikolai is three. It's official. Some days he was a Rock Star (today) and others he was horrible.

El Paso: Pretty scenery. (That's the best I've got.)

The good-bye: like 99% of the Hussey family events, it turned into a CF. It all ended well though. I had asked him if he preferred Strong Wife or Blubbering Idiot WIfe (knowing that I could go either way on a dime). He said he'd prefer Strong Wife. So, I shed a few tears and that was it. I think if I actually lost it I'd piss myself off at this point.

Bottom line, we're here for three days and then off to my parents.

[DCJenn]

Well, Finally...

the beginning of the end- he's officially in the air. I told him this morning that until he leaves he can't come home so I'm all about getting this thing GOING. (ETA: End of the beginning? Beginning of the beginning?)

They'll end up in Kuwait for a few more days of training (that's six weeks of training, total) and then off to the jail for the as yet undetermined amount of time. I'd much rather have him home in six months but if they're going to keep him for a year, then make the decision so that I can start planning the R & R.

It was kind of depressing at my girls night out on Saturday night to realize that I may have 52 more Saturday nights to get through. (or 53 depending on whether they count Kuwait as "boots on the ground.")

I have been seriously lax about responding to people- to those who continue to PM me- thank you. I appreciate the support. Really. I owe phone calls to a bunch of relatives as well but seriously, I'm really in no mood to discuss my aunts heart murmur ("Rick would know what it is"- Umm, maybe? But he doesn't do adult medicine BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU- FREAK.) (See, I'm really not in a good place to be empathetic or sympathetic.) and I don't care that my friend's husband is traveling to Europe and she didn't want to go. and I don't care that my other friends husband has to work all the way to 10pm.

The only relative that I've been at all interested in talking to was my grandmother. She survived three years with a newborn-toddler-preschooler while my grandfather was preparing Marines' last meals in the Pacific. (he was on a troop transporter as a cook) She was awesome to talk to.

In good news, we only have 5 more weeks until my AF friend returns. (his wife is my girls night out buddy) I'm sure it's going to be a difficult reentry after all the hideousness he's seen.

But- the process has begun- every day is another day closer to having this be OVER.

[DCJenn]

He called me at work this morning and is officially in the desert.

Whoo Hooo!

(and staying in a tent with 70 other male officers...delightful!)

Jenn