Brain Fart

[Phoebe]

I must have been on drugs in my previous post when everything was peaches and cream! Wow, am I outnumbered. I can't even do a load of laundry let alone keep up with my kids. When DH works these crazy hours, I am about to lose it. I have been away from my children for 2 hours in the last 8 weeks.

Tyler is 8 weeks tomorrow and fussy as all get out. She when she does sleep it is in the car seat. It takes me several hours a night to get her to sleep. Last night was from 7:15 to 11pm. The night before she conked out at midnight. I am so exhausted from dealing with my kids and overwhelmed that I can't keep up with daily life let alone shower. I would like to think about exercise to have more energy or fit into my clothes. Yeah right! My husband helps out when he is home, but he is mentally and physically exhausted from work. He comes home and I think a break! Then he tells me that they lost two babies today.

If I had some time to get some stuff done I think I would feel better. The chaos and mess in my house stresses me out. Two kids are always screaming at a time, they all want something at the same time and I am the last to have anything like food, a shower or even combing my hair. My three year old is making it her life's mission to push my buttons or wake up her sister.

I am desperate need of time away. I am trying to find a babysitter, but that even takes work without family here. I am worried about leaving a fussy infant and DH would be put over the edge with the hours he is working. I just want to cry. I suck at zone defense!

[Phoebe]

Do you hear that? No crying! All three girls were asleep at a decent hour tonight. DH is on-call in house. I am enjoying the peace and quiet in the house. I can actually think a whole thought without interruption. But wait don't think too long because things are happening too fast. We got our first Christmas card today in the mail. We haven't even finished our Thanksgiving leftovers yet. Thanksgiving was nice, but hectic. DH was post-call and sleeping while my mom and I were tending to the two girls and one majorly fussy baby and trying to prepare the feast. We got together with some neighbors for dinner. The kids played, the guys watched football and the women cleaned up and drank wine. DH and I went out for the first time together since Tyler was born on Friday while my mom babysat. It was nice to eat a meal without holding someone or having to get up 20 times.

It seems like we have been on fast forward since the beginning of Sept with school starting, our girls birthdays, having a baby, Halloween, Thanksgiving and now on to Christmas. I am not ready for it. DH will be working over 100 hours from Dec 22 to Dec 30th and on-call the 24th. He has the first week in January off which will be nice. I am feeling a little annoyed that DH is usually working or post-call when something fun is going on. I am tired of working around his work and sleeping schedule so we can do things as a family. You all have BTDT.

He has been more on edge about work lately which spills over into our personal lives. Sshh don't tell. DH has three interviews coming up in January. The locations and jobs are all different. These potenital jobs are really bringing out the differences between DH and I. He is a small town boy and I crave a bigger city being close to family. We are going to have to weigh options carefully as things progress. For now, everything is just speculation. I don't know if I want to move at all. We just found out this weekend that our neighbors are moving. Many of DD's friends have moved this year or are in the process of moving. She keeps asking when if we are next.

Its hard to believe that Tyler is already 9 weeks old. She is such a chunk compared to my older girls at this age. It is hard that she is so fussy, but at the same time I love to snuggle with her. This will be my last little one. I want her to stay an infant for a long time, but sleep. I feel naked right now because normally I am holding her.

[Phoebe]

I should know better than to write how wonderful things are and expect it to stay that way! All three kids were up last night. I am tired! I went to drop my girls off at preschool. Avery's drop off was very distracting. We were a few minutes late and the teacher was crying (her husband had lost his job). I picked up Ella and her bag and started to walk away (about 3 feet) forgetting to grab the car seat. So all the parents started laughing at me and moms came up to me later and said they heard that I forgot my baby.

My brain is mush!

On a another note... Tyler had her two month check up today and gained another two pounds. She has gained 5 lbs in 2 months and grown 2 inches. My older kids weighed 18 lbs at 1 year and Tyler is already 13.5. She is proportionate for height and weight, but topping the charts. I love how much she smiles, coos and laughs. Her ped asked if she was telling a story and I replied probably a tale of how I forgot her this morning at preschool. I guess I won't be winning mom of the year.

[Phoebe]

This is freaking me out! I know I am jumping the gun a little bit, too. DH is out on his second transport call of the day and won't be back until about 2am. Starting tomorrow he works 96 hours in the next week. So I am hanging out on the computer.

I am thinking about changing preschools next year. I am very happy with our current preschool, but two wonderful teachers that Ella would have next year aren't returning. I am possibly interested in a couple other schools where I may be able to carpool. But it may be tough leaving a school where Ella has gone to MDO for two years. Anyway, most registrations begin in January so I was putzing around the different websites. Then I came to the part that freaked me out.

I started reading about Kindergarten registration which is held in March. Avery will actually be in Kindergarten next year and have to ride the bus to school. I don't want my baby to go to school. I can't believe she will be that old. If we still lived in Ohio, she would have been in kindergarten already. It just doesn't seem possible. She is growing up so fast, but I just want to hold on to her. Tyler isn't allowed to get bigger either. She is three months today and although she is probably close to 15 lbs, I refuse to let her grow out of the infant stage. I will probably be cosleeping with her until she is 15. just kidding.

Then there is the aspect of upcoming interviews for DH. I don't even know where we will be living when it comes time for school to start next fall.

[Phoebe]

I probably shouldn't be airing my dirty laundry here. I am trying to piece my thoughts together lately. We had a really nice Christmas this year, by ourselves which was nice. My mom came this weekend to celebrate Christmas and hang out with us for a couple days. We were supposed to have friends visit this weekend, too. One of them got sick so they couldn't come which eliminated the conflict of when my mom should come.

DH specifically took New Years off so we could do something. We didn't really plan anything except to attend our neighbors party. He fell asleep and didn't end up going. He doesn't understand why I am mad. He was tired and needed to sleep after a long work week ending on Dec 30th. I don't even know why I cared about New Years. It is always too hyped. What I do care about is that I am so over being a slave to DH's job and when is is working off, going to be tired, etc. His excuse is that "he can't help that he doesn't have every weekend and holiday off". The last few months I have grown increasingly resentful and have less tolerance for DH's needs, sleep deprivation and poor attitude because of his job.

I feel like I have taken a back seat to his work, him being protective of his time and thinking he shouldn't have to do something if he is tired or doesn't want to. He doesn't want to do something like hang out with neighbors then he sabotages it somehow. The medical career and his attitude has exacerbated our personality and communication differences lately causing us to argue more often. I am less patient and understanding about things I used to let slide. He tries to give me a run down of how many hours he worked, how little sleep he got and how much it sucked on a regular basis. Frankly, I hate to admit, I don't care anymore. Especially after what Tara's husband did for her over the holidays, I want more out of my husband and my marriage. My husband would never do anything like that in a million years. Since I am more demanding, DH is more defensive and thinks I am being selfish. I think he is selfish. It is this whole cyclical dance that isn't going anywhere. He wants to be the laid-back wife I used to be and let things roll off my back.

Is it terrible that I don't want to? I don't know what I expect my husband to prove. I am tired of being second fiddle after almost 10 years together. However, as long as I act this way , we are going to fight. DH wants us to go to counseling to communicate better. I think he only wants us to go because I see things differently than he does and he thinks he is right so we don't agree. The old adage is to not wait around for your medical spouse. I don't wait around for him, but I still resent when he doesn't follow through with his commitments. He doesn't like to do anything socially. He doesn't like movies. He likes to go to the same restaurants and order the same meals. I find it boring. We haven't had fun in a long time because of work or having young kids and there has been so much conflict.

Basically, I am a bitter person. I probably sound ridiculous. I think I am burned out. I just can't seem to let go of my anger. It isn't healthy

[Phoebe]

My life feels like a roller coaster lately. Part of it is because DH's job schedule changes every week. Some weeks he is on service and works seven days in a row. It used to be worse and they would work 11 to 18 days in a row. I realized one reason why it takes so long to round every day. They don't write paper notes and the computer system they use stinks. Much of their time is spent cutting and pasting previous notes to the current day. Premies and sick infants often have many different diagnoses which some may resolve along the way, but the computer system widely used by hospitals isn't very efficient, and all those diagnoses makes it time consuming. DH isn't very computer-savvy either. Followed by those weeks on-service are weeks of in-house call usually Q3. We have pretty much adjusted to the work schedule now and it isn't as hard as it was in the beginning.

I realized something today about my husband. I live with a man in constant physical and emotional pain. DH has had a bulging disk in his lower back for almost as long as I have known him. He never lets on about the pain he is in (until today), I just see him popping motrin like candy. Living with this chronic pain which limits his mobility and things he can do with our daughters really aggravates him and puts him on edge. DH also struggles with depression. His symptoms make him more tired, anxious and easily angered. He is miserable which makes us all miserable.

Something has to be done. He is a terrible patient. However, I am demanding he see his doctor. He doesn't have to live like this and we shouldn't have to live with him like this either. I feel like today was a little breakthrough for us because I understand him a little better.

I don't know if a new job would change things, but he does have a couple interviews coming up. Keeping our fingers crossed. People that have moved on from DH's work have said they didn't realize how dysfunctional it was until they got to a place that runs smoothly. I found that very interesting.

I feel like I am using my blog mostly for a tool to vent. I really don't have a totally negative life like I normally write about. One really good thing is that my baby is now sleeping in her crib. My mom was here for several days. What a wonderful lady and a huge help to me. Anyway, she spent a lot of time with DD#3 and for the last two nights she has slept in her crib and fallen asleep a lot easier. I am so thankful for this because having a baby attached to your boob most of the day when you have two other kids to care for is rough!

[Phoebe]

I just wrote this long post and accidently deleted it. Oh well, I was complaining anyway. I'll try to remember what I wrote because I came back to write more.

The TV ban went out the window. We are still using it to keep the kids in bed at night and it works. Dh started that one. I just put a movie on for them because I needed a little peace and quiet. I like that my kids are so inquisitive, but it bites me in the butt because they always have to know what is going on and have to touch everything all the time, no matter where we are.

DH just called and won't be home for a couple hours eventhough he is done rounding. He has to withdrawl support from the third patient this week. They are all congenital problems. It breaks my heart to think about what the families go through. It is very draining for DH as well. He is on his 6th out of 10 days in a row which have been exceptionally long days ending well after the kids go to bed. He hasn't seen them in a couple days until last night. I have noticed with him working longer hours that I have been much more stressed this week. I have a huge to do list and a very disorganized home. I don't even know where to start.

I want to feel organized in my chaotic life. I told DH I want to hire a handyman for a day to hang shelves and cabinets in our laundry room. My laundry room is 5 x 8. Yes, I have a laundry room, but not much of one. It also doubles as our mudroom and coat closet for the kids. The clutter drives me insane. Today, I went through most of my kitchen cabinets and rearranged. I have a bag going for Goodwill and a bag going in the garbage. The next room is the toy room. Actually we have toys on every floor. They are everywhere and I wish I could contain them to one space. It is hard to get rid of toys because we have three kids in different stages. DD#1 wanted to get rid of our Little People, but DD#2 wanted to keep them all and DD#3 will eventually use them. We have every Little People toy there is and we didn't buy any of them.

DH's answer to the handyman is to invite his dad to come up and help him. First of all, when is DH going to be off work and awake long enough to finish these projects? Secondly, DH has a bad back and his father is 300lbs and clumsy. It scares me to think about them putting up cabinets in my laundry room. If DH gets a good job offer and we decide to move, a great thing will be to get a new house. I know much more what I want in a home this time around and won't settle.

On a positive note- We have a new member of the family. The name is Dyson. We love our purple guy. Dh thought the house felt so much cleaner after we used it. As a reference point, our dining room was vacuumed by the cleaning person on Thursday, DH vacuumed it on Friday after taking down the Christmas tree and I used the Dyson on Saturday. It still picked up a lot of stuff in the canister. We were amazed.

[Phoebe]

I am sinking. I don't know how else to put it. My baby won't sleep. I don't even have time to read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child". She is exhausted with dark circles under her eyes. She does sleep through the night because she is so tired. She will only sleep in her swing. I feel like I am creating a bad habit, but I just need her to sleep.

I can't keep up with my laundry or with the kids toys. That is overwhelming to me as well. I can't concentrate on relaxing with my kids when you can't even walk through a room. Avery is really good about helping me out, but Ella is three and we all know what that is like. I can't find the time to put Tyler to bed because she has to be nursed and it is immenent that Ella will always come and wake her up either purposely or unintentionally when I beg for a few minutes.

I have a call into my OB for PPD, but I think it is more situational instead of chemical. I don't understand why I can't cope. Tons of people have three kids or more and do just fine or at least appear to be. I am so irritable with my older kids and I feel terrible. All I want to do is sit down because to even know where to start is overwhelming. The baby is constantly screaming because she is tired and it drains me emotionally to hold her all day and nurse her.

I am trying to figure out ways to get through it. What choice to I have? I have emailed the local university for their babysitting list so I can find some help. Nobody else around me with three kids has help. Most of them don't have family nearby either. We hired a cleaning person right before Christmas.

I can talk to friends, but it doesn't seem to help. DH understands what I am going through, but he isn't in a position to help and he is just as exhausted as I am. I don't understand why I can't handle this or keep some sense of sanity in my home. I don't know if meds will help. Counseling is just another thing to add to my list. Plus my counselor will tell me that I need to hire some help.

Many of you guys have done with worse life circumstances and added financial stress. How did you manage? I feel like a failure.

[Phoebe]

I have my kids situated for school next year. I was going to change preschools because a couple teachers were leaving, but found out the replacements are going to be teachers my daughter already had so I was relieved not to have to switch them.

My kids are so excited to play in the snow. We haven't had much around here until Sunday. Both kids decided they needed to go out before 9am yesterday. I wasn't able to take the baby out and DH had left that morning on an interview (keeping our fingers crossed). The kids were probably out for a total of 4 hours yesterday playing with neighbors and partly with me while the baby slept. Someone had to shovel the driveway. They slept good last night. Ella had enough and wanted to go in and watch TV. We walked in the house after I said no TV. I figured I would hear her screaming about not getting her snow clothes off since she is only 3. I waited about 5 minutes before checking on her inside and she had disrobed all her snow stuff, found her pjs and fell asleep on the couch. Too cute.

I am bracing myself because the ILs are coming for a long weekend. We haven't seen them in awhile so I hope it won't be too bad.

Today's snow excursion








Tyler at 3 mos

[Phoebe]

DH's interview went well. He is supposed to hear this week about a second visit. The only downfall is that the group may not want to hire someone until 2008. Also, this group has historically hired fellows directly out of training.. They are cheaper and they can be molded. This may be a disadvantage for DH since he has developed his own style. Private practice is much different than a hospital-based practice. It would definitely be a change.

I was up every hour last night with scary dreams, a crying baby and the stomach flu. Tyler had her 4 month check-up today. She weighs 15 lbs 3 ozs and is 25 3/4 in length, a very healthy girl. So I have a vomiting girl and a cranky baby. Of course DH is on-call tonight. I am almost glad beause if he gets the flu, it will be like taking care of 4 kids. I am a little disappointed that I had to cancel a dinner with some friends tonight. I would have enjoyed someone waiting on me for a change since DH has been gone for the last three nights. Oh well. Duty calls.

[Phoebe]

DD is still sick with the stomach flu. Now DH has it. How is that that someone who is barely around the child can catch it so fast? I am thankful I don't have the illness. I will probably get it when DH is better and returns to work. Then I will have to take care of everyone when he is off to work while being sick.

Lot of people have been through this already. I guess it is our turn. It still sucks because DH is the worst patient ever and not a great caretaker when I get sick.

[Phoebe]

I had a light bulb experience today after DD's school conference. I have always thought my daughter was a kinesthetic learner (me as well) which processes information primarily through touching and movement. Her preschool teacher confirmed it. I came across an article by Mary Ann Dorio called "Raising the Bodily-Kinesthetic Child"

"Do you have a child who never sits still? Are you exhausted just trying to get your little one to stop moving long enough to eat his dinner? If so, stop trying! When my second child was a pre-schooler, she ate her dinner in a semi-standing position, kneeling on her chair with one leg, and standing on the floor with the other. At the sound of the telephone's ring, she immediately ran to answer it. When the doorbell rang, she was the first to greet the visitor. Between meals, she coursed, she cart-wheeled, and she climbed. All of my attempts to get her to sit still ended up in frustration--both on my part and hers. After struggling with the situation for quite a while, I decided to work with my daughter's need for movement instead of against it."

This is my child! She doesn't walk anywhere and constantly jumps and hops off furniture and dances everywhere. The author goes on to say that the kinesthetic child is moving in order to learn and sometimes it comes across as misbehavior. I expend so much energy bugging my daughter to stop jumping, to stop touching everything and hold still. I have compared my kids to other children who don't have to touch everything and can't stand still and wondered I can't get them to behave.

However, the article also cautions that children also need to learn to follow rules and there are times to sit still. This makes a lot of sense and I feel relieved that I am not failing completely as a parent. I need to channel her energy in a more positive direction. We just started her back into gymnastics which I hope helps. Whew, it feels like a weight has been lifted understanding my daughter a little better.

[Phoebe]

We rent a beach house for a week every summer. It is our one big vacation and the whole family looks forward to it. My mom has gone with us the last couple of years to help out with the kids and to celebrate her birthday. This year without my permission, DH asked his parents. I am really ticked. He brought it up to me to ask them, but we didn't agree on it.

My MIL hates the beach. She said she would only go if she could do all the cooking. Um, no. She is already complaining about the ocean filled with sharks, etc. I asked her not to scare my daughters about the water. Don't frickin go!

Dh has put up with my mom for two weeks on vacation, but I don't know if I can last a week with my MIL on our special vacation. I guess it is my turn.

[Phoebe]

I just got back from a 4 day trip to MI to visit my mom. We left on Thursday afternoon after preschool and stopped half-way to visit a former coworker of DH. He escaped the turmoil of this job to private practice in his hometown. They just built a beautiful home with some really interesting paint color choices. The master bedroom is lime green, the den is best buy blue and the rest of the first floor walls look like french fries. Our kids love to play together so it was nice to break up the trip.

It was great staying at my mom's away from the daily grind. I didn't have to clean, cook or do laundry which was very pleasant. The kids and I just had fun playing in the snow, and visiting with friends and family. We got together with my grandmother, aunt and a couple cousins which I haven't seen since my wedding almost 6 years ago. There is a family rift so I only talk to my grandmother on a regular basis. I haven't even talked with my dad whose side of the family it was in almost two years. It was great to see how my cousins have grown and changed. I am the oldest so they were all little when I moved away. However, with the drama I heard about from my aunt, it solidified knowing I do not want to live in my hometown.

Saturday night I had dinner with two of my closest girlfriends I have known since the 6th grade. We are all in different places now. One girlfriend became pregnant and got married 15 years ago while we were in college. She is recently divorced and in the single scene again. Her daughter is older so my friend is all about partying and finding a man. My other girlfriend has three kids a little older than mine and works full-time. Our conversations were very interesting coming our three different lifestyles. I found myself saying quite abit. "Oh we couldn't do that or that would never happen". My friends reply to everything was that my husband has a physically and emotionally demanding job. I sort of felt like I was missing out of things such as DH coaching our kids sports teams, the amount of intimacy my friend has in her marriage and my husband being up for being more social.

I felt a little sad that our lives could be richer if DH had a different job or even career. We lack balance in our lives. And although I do a lot of things with the kids and DH and I can have dinner out once in a while, it isn't enough. I am alone a lot of the time and travel for weekends away without my husband. People thought I was nuts to take a trip alone with my three kids, but to me it wasn't even a thought. I am used to this.

I really thought that once DH was an attending things would be easier, but they aren't. Part of it is the type of job DH has, but it wouldn't change that much because he is always going to be on-call and work weekends. The majority of our lives are spent with DH at work or recovering from working.

So this week we are back to the routine. There was a two hour delay for schools today, but I didn't realize it since I don't have kids in elementary school yet. So I kept the girls home because I didn't feel like taking my daughter for preschool for two hours in subzero temperatures. DH is on-call tonight.

Go Colts!

[Phoebe]

We decided to go ahead and put the decorative finish in our kitchen since we won't be moving in the next year. Here is how it turned out. We like it so much that we have to do something to our living room. Avery insisted on being in the picture.



We also added some cabinets and countertop to our ultrasmall laundry room. Here is how it turned out.



Our "smiley baby" who won't sleep!


I don't know how to get these pictures smaller.