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**Phoebe** · 05-18-2006, 12:56 PM

5/18/06

Oh What A Night!

Ella has been sick for 5 days and DH was coming off a 19 hour day and no sleep. My in-laws arrived early evening before FIL's sleep apnea surgery today.

By 8pm, my MIL started complaining of severe back pain thought to be due to an 8 hour car ride. She refused any meds, but was a constant complainer. BY 10pm, DH was done and demanded to take her to the ER. They arrived home after midnight, but I had fallen asleep. Ella was up from 4 to 5:30am with ear pain. After just getting her back to sleep, DH and the in-laws got up to go to FIL's surgery. So I was awake, turns out MIL had a kidney stone. MIL can't swallow pills so she was hammering her vicodin on my counter at 5:30am after I just got Ella back to sleep. They leave and peace is restored until 7am when Avery wakes up and wants to watch TV (she is the only one who slept all night). I fall back asleep until the phone rings with DH telling me he just got called out on a transport for work before the surgery is over and return home immediately from dropping Avery off at school because my doped up MIL will be driving a recently sedated FIL home and probably doesn't know her way.

I also take Ella to the ped after FIL gets settled in and she has an ear infection. MIl finally passed her stone and all is well with the world. Except DH is still out on transport. I hope everyone gets sleep tonight and we can laugh about this crazy night.

**Phoebe** · 06-27-2006, 09:54 PM

It has been awhile since I posted myself. The days seems to be flying by. I am 27 weeks along already. I just can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going. In such a short time we will have a new little girl to round out our family. I vacillate between panic and excitement. How in the world am I going to manage three active kids. I am struggling with two at the moment. I try to realize that people do it every day and it will work itself out. I worry I won't be the kind of mom my kids deserve.

Part of my worry stems from how restless I feel lately. Is it not enough change that we are having a baby? DH is about to enter his 4th year post-training and I feel like we should move. Why can't I just relax and enjoy our lives? Part of me thinks that it is because there were so many changes and moves in the past ten years that I don't know what to do with myself if my life isn't chaos. DH is really settling in to his job and finding his niche. However, there are staffing changes and three of them are people DH came in with. Should we be moving on too? We gave ourselves a deadline at the end of the year to decide whether or not we stay. If we did decide to leave, what is the guarantee that the job or location would be any better?

The other thing we are thinking of is moving or building a house. Our original plan was to build after five years. We don't really need more living space, but it seems exciting to be able to incorporate what we want in a home. DH and I have made a long list. I feel bored of this house so I found myself painting my laundry room. Why?

Then I start to think, am I bored staying at home? This summer my kids are homebodies and dont' want to go anywhere. Fine, but then they get bored and get destructive, despite my efforts to have constructive activities or playtime. I long for adult conversation and putting my energy into something other than just being a mom. Maybe that is why I am painting the laundry room.

DH has had a lighter schedule the last two weeks and he will have gone golfing three times. I have done nothing. I asked when my free time would be and his reply was Thursday night when we go out to meet his friends coming into town. How exciting to watch people drink beer when you can't. Even if I did have free time, I don't know what I would do with myself.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

**Phoebe** · 07-19-2006, 02:45 PM

While on vacation, we got a call from DH's friend, also our realtor, letting him know there is a house we need to see. Our goal is to build a house at some point on a good amount of land. The problem is the town we live in has no land available that isn't astronimically priced for dime-sized lots. The property is a beautiful couple of acres with a totally remodeled house in a decent location (very close to where we live now) and very reasonably priced and not much over what our house is worth now.

At first we saw the MLS listing and thought no way, but we'll appease our friend to view the property. A couple of drive-bys peaked our interest and we decided to look at the house today. We love it! There are problems though. The original house is a cape cod with an addition built on and totally remodeled. There are only three bedrooms, which we have 5 now. We wouldn't have a room for the baby and we already tried having our older girls share a room for six months.

This house won't last long on the market. Our options would be to build on to the existing house. Or downsize for awhile and build our own dream house on the land in the future. This move would require a long-term commitment to this area. We also aren't sure if DH wants to stay in his job. However, there aren't jobs open in areas we want to live that would be a better fit. The three other people DH hired in with have all decided to take jobs elsewhere which leaves us wondering if we should be making the same decision. Financially, would we be able to swing this house when the market isn't great, there are three houses for sale on our street alone. Personally, would downsizing our house and space ultimately be a good thing? We wouldn't live in a neighborhood any longer which may feel isolating to me and to the kids. We don't have a lot of time to weigh our options and DH doesn't always want to discuss things at nauseam like I do.

If I could figure out how to post a picture I would. This house is so cute.

**Phoebe** · 07-23-2006, 05:45 PM

I haven't been this mad in a long time. I am so frustrated with my life. In my previous post, I mentioned a house that we found that would be perfect for us on nice acreage. It is exactly what we could picture ourselves wanting in the future. The sellers are relocating and have to move fast and an offer came in on Saturday. We weren't prepared since we weren't really looking to move. Financially we couldn't afford to make an offer because we wouldn't be able to risk owning two homes for a over a couple months. If we had more time to sell our house, we could have afforded the house easily. This is where I am so resentful.

We have so much income tied up in investments (Over half of DH's monthly take home pay) and student loan payments that we still live paycheck to paycheck. DH is working on an expired contract and won't get his raise due July 1 until October. This profession sucks. You work so hard for so long and it puts you through the financial ringer and takes years to even get out of the debt. Both of us have substantial student loans that we will be paying off until we are old and gray (DH is already going gray).

His job pisses me off because all the young people are leaving for private groups and jobs where they work 9 to 2, every third weekend and call every two weeks for double the salary. DH just found out they are doubling the amount of call for no pay increase because they have to cover another hospital. The amount of money DH makes isn't even the real issue. We just want to be able to reach our goals instead of worry that I shouldn't spend money on a pair of maternity pants from Target.

I probably sound like a cry baby, but this house represents something I can't have, freedom. I have felt restless lately. Motherhood is burning me out, it is all I can do. DH works crappy hours, has meetings and projects on top of it. Even if I wanted to take classes or something, we can't afford a nanny. I think I was looking to this house as an outlet for change. DH just blows off the house and tells his realtor friend to make a tee time week after next. Ahh, who is going to watch the kids while you go golfing?, I asked.

We have talked about making some changes after the new year including me getting out of the house. The good thing is that this deal with the house started some needed conversations that I hope lead to change.

Jennifer

**Phoebe** · 09-10-2006, 07:30 AM

Its been awhile. My last entry never registered for some reason. Oh well. I was laughing about my journal title because the other day, DH asked me after I said something off the wall if I had a brain fart. Well, yes. Often I replied.

I am bracing myself for the luming changes. Two weeks left until my due date. Probably more than that for my baby to show up given my history. An induction is sounding more like a good prospect, however I can't possibly fit it in until my due date.

The baby room isn't ready. DH has been working non-stop and exhausted. The kids just started school and this week alone we have soccer practice and three games. My mom is coming on my due date for two weeks so after that I will be in labor mode.

Oh and my lovely in-laws come today. They decided to stay for less than 24 hours. Normally that would be a blessing and I would say good riddens! However, the damage is done. I have to clean regardless of how long they stay because the guest part (in our basement) would concern the CDC. I asked DH to have them stay longer to help out with the kids so I can have a little rest. They use us as a hotel all the time because we live in between their house and the rest of the family in Chicago. I don't know if they will help out or not.

Also two weeks from today my oldest turns 5 years old and three days later my youngest turns 3 yo. We aren't having a party for them, but I may do something next month. My poor daughter thinks she is having a My Little Pony party with her friends. I have noticed recently how grown up my oldest daughter has become. She has her moments, but I am so proud of her growth in the last year and love to see her enthusiasm about school (all summer she refused to go). She is helpful, insightful, athletic, creative and has such a nice way with her younger sister (she has her moments, too). If this is how 5 is, I will take it. My 3yo has a wonderful sense of humor (which can get her into trouble) but she is so happy despite dealing with a tired and pregnant mom. Everyone comments on her personality. I am really lucky and I don't think I take stock in my blessings enough. Even my husband who I mostly complain about has really blossomed as a father and my girls adore him.

I am excited to see this little baby girl who doesn't have a name. I can't possibly imagine what she will look like. DD#1 looks identical to DH and DD#2 supposedly looks more like me. We have a brown-eyed child and a blue-eyed child. What will this one bring? What will her personality be like? My only hope is that she sleeps well. I don't know how I am going to adjust to three kids. I am nervous about handling it all. I guess I don't have a choice.

I guess I am rambling. Of course, the kids want something, too.

Jennifer

**Phoebe** · 09-10-2006, 11:02 AM

I'm kind of in a zen place today despite life feeling chaotic. Is my body trying to prepare me for the upcoming craziness?

My first belly shot this pregnancy taken by my 4.5 year old. Two weeks to go!

The girls

Ella

Avery's first day of school

**Phoebe** · 09-13-2006, 11:26 AM

I just read Kris' blog about the organization and a normal routine. I crave that! Good for you Kris. I think we have a shell of one going, but with the baby coming it isn't going to be consistent for a while.

The thing helping me get our acts together is school. Obviously, we don't have a lot of choice when you have to be somewhere at a certain time. This year I am trying to wake up before the kids and get lunches, etc made the night before. Things have gone a lot smoother in the mornings which is better for all of us. Ella is only going to school one day a week because of her birthdate and I wish she had something else to do. She can't do classes until she is potty-trained so that may be while. She has such an independent streak like her sister. We are having power struggles right now. The annoying kind when she sits down or runs away when she doesn't get what she wants. Today, she ran 50 yards away from me and I couldn't keep up with her. If I chase, she runs farther. I hate that behavior! I am trying to give her lots of fun one-on-one time, but she is very easily distracted and frankly, I have a lot to do right now. Tomorrow I will take her to the museum, so we can focus on her.

It is hard to think to far ahead in the future with DH serious about his job search. He is already getting calls for interviews. I keep saying can I have this baby first? Now that we have started the school year and gotten more involved in things, I don't want to move. DH is totally changing his tune about work and not even looking at jobs which would require him being away from home as much. I am happy about that, but I hope he isn't compromising job satisfaction. The job he is so excited about is very far from my family.

I am 2 cm dilated, but not really thinned about. I am actually feeling better now than I have in weeks. My swelling is gone and I am sleeping much better. The worst thing is being uncomfortable from the indigestion and running into things with my big stomach.

Time to make lunch!

Jennifer

**Phoebe** · 09-25-2006, 03:19 PM

Tyler Paige arrived on Friday 9/22 at 12:54pm. I went into labor on Thursday night while DH was out on a transport call. Luckily, it wasn't too far away. Contractions started around 4:30am on Friday morning about 30 minutes apart. At 7:30am they immediately changed to 5 minutes apart. We got the kids hustled off to neighbors and to the hospital by 9am where I am 6 cm dilated and in need of an epidural. We arrived in the parking lot to DH's coworkers leaving and he stops to talk to them while I am bending over from pain. I am like can we go?

Unfortunately, the epidural only worked on half of my body, but I was complete so fast that I didn't want to risk being numb while pushing. I only had to push through 4 contactions before she arrived weighing 8lbs 2 oz, a whole lb bigger than my other two babies. She looks like both of her sisters and is adored by them.

Tyler Paige

It took us two days to name her.

**Phoebe** · 09-30-2006, 10:59 PM

The first week home with Tyler went really well. Of course, I had my mom here to help and DH had a light work load this week. I can see why it takes a village to raise a family. My mom was fabulous helping out. I felt so blessed to have her here with us so I could focus on the baby and get this nursing thing down. The kid loves to eat! She is supposed to stay for two weeks. However, that was an ambitious idea to think she would last that long here. I am so ticked at my mom and DH. They have a major personality conflict. She doesn't understand DH and DH often can't understand why people don't always do things the way he thinks they should be done. Tension has been building the last couple days and finally my mom broke down and felt she needs to leave. I think she is being oversensitive and that she is here to help me. DH of course is playing the dumb card and doesn't understand how his rude behavior affects other people. So my mom is leaving a week early, the day before DH starts a 90 hour work week.

I am about to get a crash course is single-parenting three kids. On one hand, I don't blame my mom, but I wish she would suck it up for one more day until DH is AWOL from our household. I am furious that they can't put aside their differences for the kids. So tomorrow I have to tell my kids their favorite grandmother is leaving when they love having her here and I am to assume 100% of the parenting responsibilities before I was planning. My mom even went as far to tell DH that he should get his parents up here to help me. And I thought my mother knew me. I told DH if he calls his parents and they come up here I am taking all the three girls and leaving.

This happy time is being clouded by juvenile behavior. I am sick of trying to be the go between for my husband and mother. I have never been disrespectful to my MIL except the last time she was here because she couldn't keep her mouth shut when I asked her nicely while she has been critical to me everytime she enters my house. I have had nightmares this week about her showing up at my house unannounced. It makes me sad that my husband and mom won't ever get along.

Jennifer

**Phoebe** · 10-02-2006, 08:10 AM

Yesterday was a much better day. I convinced my mom to stay and DH apologized for whatever he thought he did (which wasn't what he actually did), but they smoothed things over for the time being and we all win in the process. My mom has been so helpful and I am really grateful for her help. We kept ILs at bay until DH takes his vacation next week.

Whew!

**Phoebe** · 10-13-2006, 11:31 AM

I wish I was pondering issues in my life instead of using this blog to vent. Although this is all I have time for right now. I have some things I want to write about, but it will have to wait.

My ILs love my kids. I know I should feel grateful. DH has issues with my mom. We all do things differently. I try to understand that. However, I can't help but be so annoyed with my MIL. Yes, she plays with my kids, especially my older daughter. I am happy that are having a good time and I don't feel so guilty not spending quality time with them. However, I am constantly cleaning up messes. MIL won't do dishes. She leaves everything in the sink after she makes breakfast for my kids. She says you might want to change Ella's diaper she smells like urine. I told her she knows where the diapers are. Why can't she do it?The diapers are right in front of her face and she won't get off the couch to change it. She always complains that she never gets to change diapers and take care of her grandchildren. I am giving her the chance.

Then she says I thought you wanted to go for a run. Well, sorry I had to spend 45 minutes nursing and getting the baby to sleep. Now I am changing diapers and putting dishes in the dishwasher. She hovers over me when I am feeding the baby sits right next to me on the couch. I don't like nursing in public so I went to a room where no one was and she practically sits on top of me staring at the baby. A little uncomfortable!

I sound nit-picky, but I am just in need of space. I have to get out of the house today!

**Phoebe** · 10-24-2006, 10:48 AM

I should be writing thank you notes. This is my one day where I am down to one kid so I should be using my time wisely. The peanut is sleeping. She is a great sleeper once she falls alseep. Boy does she love to be held. It is hard to believe a month has already past since giving birth. It is amazing how she just fit right into the family. We feel complete now, meaning that neither of us think we want anymore children. Our older girls love their sister and have been wonderful with her. We are lucky to have three wonderful girls. My only complaint that is none of them really look like me!

This week is my first week alone with the kids. My mom was here and then DH had a two week vacation. It was great to have that time together as a family after the visitors left. After having a little one in the house again, I am amazed at how grown up my older two girls are, they are playing really well together right now and the harmony in the house is nice. We are also lucky because Notre Dame pulled out a last minute win last week and the Cardinals are in the World Series so DH's blood pressure is stable. I feel very blessed with our lives right now.

The unknown factor is if we will be here at this time next year. I have spilled my guts before about DH's undesirable job. Faced with the reality of uprooting our family and leaving the ties we have made here has made me think twice about a relocation. DH's employer has stepped up after learning of his job search however many factors still make a new job imminent. To complicate me not wanting to move, DH has a couple job interviews pending. One job is my dream location close to family in a good city. On paper, the job sounds like a good fit for DH and our family. I fear if we play it safe and don't move, he won't ever get an opportunity like this again and then he will continue to work in a unhappy place. We will have to weigh our options when the time comes. For now, life is good.

**Phoebe** · 10-24-2006, 11:23 AM

I should add that there are adjustment periods to everything...

Last week, I picked up my older daughter from class and we started walking out of the building when DD said, "Shouldn't we pick up Ella?". OMG! Would I have left my daughter at school? Avery isn't letting me live it down. Later that same week, I had both older girls out of the car and I started walking away when Avery again reminded me, "Shouldn't you get Tyler out of the car?" Can I only remember two kids at once?

I have also found the cracker box in the refridgerator and one morning I was making Ella a sandwich and I put it in a sandwich bag instead of giving it to her to eat and didn't realize it until she started screaming that she wanted to eat it now.

My brain is mush!

**Phoebe** · 10-27-2006, 12:09 PM

I think I was on drugs two days ago when I posted that things were so wonderful. Having three healthy daughters is wonderful, until you try and leave the house.

The baby was up until 2am and then again at 6am. This morning I was pumping milk while baking cinnamon rolls to the tune of a screaming infant when my 3yo pees on the floor and the phone rings. Later, I am trying to leave the house for a dr appt with all the kids. I send the older girls out to the car where they open the garage door and it is pouring rain. They proceed to run around in the rain while I pick the baby up to put her in the car seat. She had a blow out and was soaked through her clothes. I have to be to the office in 15 minutes. It takes that long to drive there. I begin changing the baby on the couch and realize my diaper bag has the wrong size diapers. I grab the right diaper two feet away and while I get up, Tyler pees all over the diaper pad. I didn't realize it and sat in the pee. The only clothes that fit me are in the washing machine. I phone the office and say I will be late or have to reschedule. They told me to come in.

We get there. DD#1 drops her stuffed animal in the puddle and starts screaming and DD#2 won't get out of the car because of the rain. We get in the room to see the ped, DD#2 just as they are going to give Tyler her shot. Ella pees on her underwear and pants so I have to change her clothes and have the nurse hold the baby and Ella is pissed that she can't wear her Halloween shirt anymore and lets the whole office know.

I am now home typing this and Tyler has started screaming, Ella came in to tell me she pooped in her pants and Avery keeps bugging me to put her wet cat in the dryer. There is never a dull moment and it is 1pm.

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