A day in the life of...

[samssugarmomma]

May 7, 2006

I've been meaning to start a journal for awhile. I haven't because I never seem to have time to write more than a few lines at a time. We'll see how this goes....

This has been the best but hardest weekends that we've had in a long time. I'll start with the good. Best for of our marriage - somehow we've managed to put aside all of the stress associated with graduation, the move, trying to unload - er - sell - the house, me finding a job, at least for a few days. We had our first "date" in months on Saturday night. Granted, the date started late because of Natalie (see below), but it was a nice kid-free dinner :candle with "grownup vegetables" (sauted squash - something that Natalie hasn't taken a liking too yet so we don't have it often) and wine. Afterwards we played dominos and talked. It was so nice to talk about something other than the move, finding a job, or what the heck we are going to do if we don't sell this house. I'd forgotten how much we crack each other up. I hope that after everything gets settled and we have access to some free babysitting that the date nights won't be so few and far between. And maybe - gasp - we could have a date where we actually leave the house!

Hardest because Natalie came down with something on Saturday night and it is heartbreaking to see her not feeling well. She doesn't get sick very often and it is so sad to see her and feel her hot little hands and feet. She is usually a bundle of energy; a force that we have to sprint to keep up with. Last night and today she has been quiet, clingy, and lathargic with only short periods where she wants to play. She normally doesn't want to cuddle during the day, but I've spent most of the day nursing her in the rocking chair or carrying her around the house. I do not want to leave her and go to work tomorrow. Maybe this bug will have run its course by then....

[samssugarmomma]

What a week! We've battled a mysterious bug - yes, all three of us took our turn being sick, I flew to Ohio for my interview - the first time I have been that far from DD, and we're packing like crazy - we move in three weeks (!!!).

And to top it off, I think that Nat is really self weaning. . She has been down to 2 feedings during the week (morning and night) but on the weekends she will do 3 or 4 - usually around her naptime. Except yesterday she seemed to want to nurse around naptime so I sat down with her in our rocking chair. I got all set up and she just looked at me, smiled, and shook her head with her mouth clamped shut. We thought it was just a fluke, but she wouldn't nurse at bedtime either. Happy mother's day, right? She did nurse quite a bit this morning, so I thought maybe yesterday was just a fluke, but then she refused me again tonight. I knew that this was coming, I mean, she is almost 15 months....I just thought we'd make it through the summer. I just didn't think that it would be now - now - NOW!! Right before we move and her whole world changes. No more house. No more backyard. No more school. No more me maw - her teacher who is like a 3rd grandmother to her. No more bright yellow room. Of course, we will have a house, we will have a backyard, it just won't be the same house. It'll be my parents' house until we can sell ours here in TX.

I want to tell her 'everything is your little life is about to change! everything that you know is about to change forever. don't you want to hang onto this until you get comfortable in ohio'?? Of course, she doesn't understand any of this......

I guess that this is harder on me than it is on her....I never thought about how I would feel....what it would be like....I'm proud of how far she's come and what a big girl she is. I just wish she'd stop growing so fast!

[samssugarmomma]

Why oh why won't this house sell? It is a great house - only 2 years old....3 bedrooms...2 full baths...attached garage...energy star appliances.....we sodded the backyard.....and is is about 5K less than the appraised value! What gives???? I cannot belive that it has been on the market since March and we've only had 4 showings...

Our agent says it is because of all of the new construction that is going on around our neighborhood. There are like, 5 new subdivisions that have comparable houses springing up around us. I hate Houston.

The good news is that the nursing strike is over! Mommy 1, Natalie 0 :>

[samssugarmomma]

May 26, 2006

Today was DH’s last day of school. We did it!!!!! I am so proud. It is hard to be excited though…with so much uncertainty in our future. As much as I want to be excited about going home – I’ve been talking about moving home since 1st year – and the idea of moving home has often been the only thing that has kept me going – as excited as I want to be – I just can’t.

Moving means leaving our house. Our house that hasn’t sold….Our house that we can no longer afford. It just boggles my mind that even if we cut all of our disposable expenses and live with my parents and get rid of one of our cars that, even after all of that, we *still* won’t make enough money as a resident to cover the house and the expenses of one car. How can that be??? How is that possible? We don’t have a lavish house! And we aren’t keeping an expensive car! Every month that the house doesn’t sell, we are spending our savings. And even if the house does magically sell, how the heck will we be able to move out on our own? This topic consumes every conversation that we have. What are we going to do?

Oops – time for testing. More later……

[samssugarmomma]

May 29, 2006

Today Natalie learned that she can control her breathing. We were at dinner and she would breathe in through her mouth and then laugh. We had some fun making faces and holding our breath. It was hilarious. And then she got so excited that she waved the starfish that is connected to her highchair and she threw baked beans on the wall.

So, where did I leave off on Friday? Ah, yes, the move. I felt so much better after getting it all out. There just may be something to this journaling stuff! So, what else about the move? The other major source of stress of the job – or lack thereof… I truly am glad that we are moving, but I have to admit that I am a little disappointed that I finally found a job here that I really enjoy. Would I want to do this forever? No. But, could I do this for the next three years…..probably! The work is enjoyable and I like the people that I’m working with and after five years I’m finally getting to use my engineering degree. But, there isn’t really a lot of work for biomedical engineers in Cincinnati. And most people see that I work in the aerospace industry and can’t see what I do beyond that. They just see aerospace and say ‘oh, we don’t do that here...’. I’ve found that for me, the hardest part about finding a job is that I don’t really know what I want to do now. The original deal that we had was that I would work while DH went to med school and then during residency, I would get to go to law school. But I’m not sure now. Is it really worth the extra debt and stress when truly, when it’s all said and done and I no longer have to be the breadwinner, I just want to work a few hours a week? My ideal job would be 9-3 a few days a week. But still pay well. I’m not sure what the definition of “well” is….. I’ve thought about just getting a BS as a paralegal but I need to do some research into that to see if I could eventually do that part time. Even if I did that, I’d still have to find a job for a year since I couldn’t start until next fall. I’m truly at a loss as to what to do now….perhaps it will be easier once we are up there and I’m not trying to split my attention so much.

I realize that so far, my journal has been negative. I’ll end today with a positive – something I’m looking forward to. Since DD was born, it has been really hard for me to do anything nice or good for myself and as a result, my weight has really gotten out of control. I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant and I haven’t been able to devote anytime to exercising and eating right. Since we will be living with my parents (aka – built in babysitters), I’ll no longer have my prime excuse for not exercising. Mom and Dad will be there in the mornings so even if DD is still sleeping, Sam and I can still get up and run before he has to leave for work. And, my parents are going to pay for me to go back to weight watchers. I lost 55 pounds before I got married and pregnant! And, they are going to try to get us set up with their gym, and I think that they have a yoga or strength training class. The positive is that living with mom and dad should give me some extra time to focus on me and my health. So we can make another little angel. :>

[samssugarmomma]

June 1, 2006

The only thing that I can think about today is 1 more day of work!!!!!

We are T-2 days until graduation and T-4 days until moving!!!! :auto:

Our families are in route to Texas! My godmother is coming from CT, my aunt and uncle are coming from CA, my parents are coming from OH. Sam's parents are coming tomorrow from LA as are his godmother and godfather, sister and her boyfriend.

But, the best part is 1 more day of work!!!!!

[samssugarmomma]

October 9, 2006

The last few months have been a blur! We survived the cross-country move, the start of residency, living with my parents for three months, selling our house in TX (and I've vowed to never again think about how much money we lost on that house), a miscarriage, buying our house here and moving during Q4 call, and finding a job for me! I wish that I'd had time to write during all of that.....

The absolute best part of the past few months was the 2.5 months that I got to be a SAHM. I loved it! I miss it so much. We had an awesome little groove going. Everyday we went to the park and I got to exercise and then we played on the playground. We went to the zoo every other week and the library every week. It was so awesome to be with her all day. I do enjoy working...once I am here....but it in no way compares to staying home. How many more years until I can retire for good??

[samssugarmomma]

October 13, 2006

I love our house. It is a tudor - I never thought that I would like a tudor - that was built in 1951. We really lucked out. Our house has had 1 previous owner.

The outside is brown and white and there is a little covered porch in the front. The entire house (except for the basement) has beautiful hardwood floors. Most of the rooms have coved (sp?) ceilings and some of the doorways between rooms have rounded entries instead of square entries. We have all of the original doors with their glass door knobs and the original light fixtures in all of the rooms and outside. All of the rooms are painted the same ivory color.

The downstairs has the living room, dining room, kitchen, office, an empty bedrom, and a full bathoom. The upstairs has our bedroom, DDs room, and a full bathroom that only has a sink and a toilet. There is room for a tub upstairs, but apparently the previous owner was a bit frugal and thought to himself, "I have a tub downstairs....why do I need a tub upstairs?"....so he never put one in. We found an antique claw-foot tub on ebay that we bought for a steal. :bath: :@ Some day we are going to put the clawfoot tub upstairs. If we can get the 400lb tub up the stairs, that is! :! The basement is partially finished and has a workshop area in the non-finished side and my laundry room in the non-finshed side. We took the door between the kitchen and the dining room down and turned it into a folding table. I love my folding table! :clothes: I'm a nerd, I know...but I'm a nerd with a nice spot to fold laundry!!

We fenced in the backyard so that the pups would have a safe place to run. The backyard has an outdoor grill made out of bricks. There is a spot where you can put charcoal or firewood in the grill. There is a little patio around the grill that isn't quite big enough to sit on - just stand while you are cooking. Eventually we are going to turn the area into an 'outdoor kitchen'. I'm not sure yet what we are going to do....

There is a huge antanna (sp? - I'm too lazy to look it up) on top of the house that allows us to get all of the local channels - so we don't have to have cable.

Our neighbors are fantastic and really add to part of why I love our house so much. There are four familys in a row and we all have kids about the same age. All of the kids run from yard to yard playing and we watch out for each others kiddos.

Our street is lined with trees - old ones - not scrawny little twigs like our old street. The leaves are starting to change and fall. DD is having a great time walking on the leaves and making them go 'crunch'.

I'm really happy that we found this house and I can see us living here for a while. At least through the end of residency (which means that we'll be in this house for three years! It has been 10 years since I lived at the same address for more than 2 years!!) - and our first year or so out. There is some work that we need to do - update the kitchen and downstairs bathroom - but we are happy for now. If we could just get unpacked!

[samssugarmomma]

October 25, 2006

So, we got the results from the blood test today. Now that I have a ‘history’ of miscarriages, I have to be ‘monitored’ more closely. In a way I’m glad for that as the standard of care here is not the same as it was in Texas, and I don’t like the way it is here. You don’t get to see a doc here until 11 or 12 weeks. What the heck? But, that is another post. The hcg was good for where we are, coming in at 134 at roughly 4.5 weeks, but the progesterone was low, coming in at 7.5 when it should be around 15. The nurse suggested some progesterone supplements and a repeat test tomorrow to check the levels. She said that the levels should double…

I definitely feel different than I did in July. Not exactly the same as I did with Natalie, but different from July. I have been so spacey and random. Forgetting things, getting lost, jumping from one topic to another… And I’ve looked at my chart from when we conceived Natalie and my chart for this cycle, and try to not see the similarities. The same pattern of …. errr….togetherness (not on purpose), the same pattern of early symptoms, the same timing of testing at home (also not on purpose) with the same results on the same cycle days. Still, I’m not letting myself believe that I am pregnant. I’m too scared to. We got so excited in July – joking about how my sister and I wouldn’t be able to hug at Christmas because of our big bellies, how fun it would be for our baby and her baby to be born 3 weeks apart, even buying some new maternity clothes – only to loose the baby a few days later. Damn that sucked. I know that lots of people go through this but….I always thought it was other people…not me. Can I go through losing one again so soon? I guess if the answer is ‘no’ then we should have waited a little longer to try again. Too late now!

Tomorrow is another blood test and we’ll get the results on Friday. I am praying so hard for everything to be ok.

[samssugarmomma]

October 27, 2006

Yay!!! So, my levels increased to 268 and 13.3! I still have to take the supplements everyday, but I wasn't told "this isn't going to be a good pregnancy"!

I feel a little more relaxed but I still feel really guarded. And terrified.

Our next appt. is in the middle of November and we get an ultrasound a few days later.



In other news, I treated myself to a hot stone massage today and it was fantastic! A few of the salons/spas in the area are doing a fundrasier for children's hospital - http://www.spa-arama.com/.

[samssugarmomma]

November 1, 2006

For most of my day, I feel like I'm living the lyrics to this song by Alabama:

Chorus
I'm In A Hurry To Get Things Done
(Oh,) I Rush & Rush Until Life's No Fun
All I Really Gotta Do Is Live & Die
But, I'm In A Hurry & Don't Know Why

Don't Know Why
I Have To Drive So Fast
My Car Has Nothing To Prove
It's Not New, But It'll 0-60 In 5.2, Oh

Chorus

Can't Be Late
I Leave In Plenty Of Time
Shakin' Hands With The Clock
I Can't Stop
I'm On A Roll & I'm Ready To Rock Oh,

Chorus

I Hear A Voice
It Says I'm Running Behind
I Better Pick Up My Pace
It's A Race & There Ain't No Room For Someone In 2nd Place

Chorus 4X

For the past few months, the only time that I don't feel that way is first thing in the morning. If DD gets up during the night, DH gets up with her unless he is on call. But once she is ready to get up for the day then mommy takes back over. Every morning we bundle up and cuddle in the rocking chair and snooze while she wakes up. Most mornings I sing to her - Micheal row your boat ashore or Twinkle twinkle little star - sometimes over and over for as long as she wants. Some days we only cuddle for 10 minutes before she pops her little head up and says 'read' and jumps down to play with her books. But most days we cuddle for about a half an hour and it is the best, most peaceful part of my day. I wish I could capture the way I feel when we are rocking and dole it out to myself during the day.

[samssugarmomma]

November 9, 2006

So, I don't really have anything interesting to say. Not that all of my other posts have been Earth-shattering. ...but not much has been going on lately.

The only thing that I can think of is - I love living near my parents!!!! We are all sick with colds and DD has been getting up a lot at night. Since we've been getting up with her so much, neither DH or I have been able to shake our colds (and now I have pinkeye in both eyes), so my mom offered to let DD stay with her for a few nights so that I can get some rest. :z DD slept at my parents house last night and slept through the night, of course. And we slept throught the night too!!

She is going to sleep there tonight since my eyes are still oozing and I don't want to pass my pinkeye to her, and since DH is on call tonight and i'm not sure how well I'll be able to take care of her in my blinded daze.

I feel bad and I miss her like crazy, but I know that it is best for her to have a well-rested and not sick mommy. She adores my parents and I know it is important for her to bond with them as well. But I still feel like a bad mommy for sending her off to grandma's. I mean, its a cold and pink eye! It's not like I'm on my deathbed!

[samssugarmomma]

November 14 - November 18, 2006

[samssugarmomma]

December 4, 2006

The past few weeks have been hard. Really hard. I'm starting to question why I (we) are putting up with this crap. How can a marriage work when one of the "partners" is never there? Or when one of the "partners" is responsible for nothing?

I'm not in a good place right now.

[samssugarmomma]

January 2, 2007

It feels like a million years since I've had time to log in. I've got a lot of catching up to do!

We got the results from our clotting study today. My OB said that most docs wait until after the third loss to start looking for a reason but she didn't think that was necessary because I already have some autoimmune issues and because what is the point in waiting (like 3 is a magic number or something). So, I was positive for one factor. DH has already done some research and printed off some articles to read. We are going to meet with the doctor to go over the results and decide the next steps. It sounds like I'll be taking more medication every day. As if ten pills isn't enough!

My sister's baby shower is in a few weeks. She and her husband when to The Ohio State University and they are huge fans. I found an OU diaper bag for them on ebay. I can't wait to see their faces when they open it!

I'm so glad that December is over! Sam was on a "hard" month and it sucked. It wasn't hard mentally I guess, just the volume of people he had to look after made it hard. And it sucked. We are looking forward to a calmer January.