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Re: A day in the life of...
April 9, 2008 (cont)
Had a bad go of it today. Some days I'll be trucking along thinking that I can do this. I can get through this. That I can remember and it doesn't hurt as much. That there is more happiness for the time that we got than anger and hurt for all of the time that we are missing out. I can think back and feel how lucky we are for the time that we got - so much more than we ever dreamed we would have. And then I'll be confronted with something that hurls me back to just feeling the pain. I went for my yearly exam today. I didn't even think to prepare myself. Why? I don't know..... that's half of the reason why we go there, right? To have babies. I walk in and the first and only thing that I see is Lilly. But, it's not my Lilly. It's someone elses Lilly. But she looks like my Lilly. God, how she sounds like my Lilly. But my Lilly is gone. How can that baby scent overpower such a large waiting area?? I lost it. I LOST it. I managed to tell them my name and get checked in. And I LOST IT. I had to go and sit in the back and wait.
One step forward, two steps back, right?
April 9, 2008 (cont)
Had a bad go of it today. Some days I'll be trucking along thinking that I can do this. I can get through this. That I can remember and it doesn't hurt as much. That there is more happiness for the time that we got than anger and hurt for all of the time that we are missing out. I can think back and feel how lucky we are for the time that we got - so much more than we ever dreamed we would have. And then I'll be confronted with something that hurls me back to just feeling the pain. I went for my yearly exam today. I didn't even think to prepare myself. Why? I don't know..... that's half of the reason why we go there, right? To have babies. I walk in and the first and only thing that I see is Lilly. But, it's not my Lilly. It's someone elses Lilly. But she looks like my Lilly. God, how she sounds like my Lilly. But my Lilly is gone. How can that baby scent overpower such a large waiting area?? I lost it. I LOST it. I managed to tell them my name and get checked in. And I LOST IT. I had to go and sit in the back and wait.
One step forward, two steps back, right?
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