A day in the life of...

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

November 19 continued....

Where did I leave off? Oh yes, how I've failed my daughter. In my head I know that I didn't. In my head, I know that we gave her the best life possible. We didn't get to chose whether she would live or die - but we did get to choose *how* she would die. In a hospital after weeks/months of surgeries and infections and ventilators and pain or at home surrounded by nothing but love. I know we did our best to show her all of the good things in life....... But in my heart, I've failed as a parent. Isn't our job to keep them safe and healthy until they are grown up? And I didn't do that. I failed to keep her safe and healthy. I wonder if that feeling of failure ever gets better.

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

November 26, 2007


Where to start with my random thoughts?

A few days ago I noticed that my incision is infected. Can nothing go my way? Luckily the incision has opened so the infection can drain. But, this means I can’t take a bath until the infection clears and the opening re-heals. I haven’t had a soak in the tub since August. I *need* to soak in the tub. Bubble baths are my thing. I need a bubble bath like a crack addict needs a fix.


I wish that this whole ordeal had turned out so differently, but I have learned and grown so much.

- I’ve learned that you can’t absolutely predict how you will react to a certain situation until you are actually in it. Sure, you can think about how you might react and how you might feel, but you can’t be sure until it actually happens. We were absolutely positive that we’d go for dialysis. We’d come to terms with her dying because of pulmonary hypoplasia but not from renal failure. Not from something that can be “fixed.” But in the end, we just couldn’t do that to her. We didn’t think we could bring ourselves to hold her after she had passed. Instead, we gave her a bath and dressed her and held and kissed her. I counted the hours from when they took her from our house until we could go to the funeral home and see her. And then counted the hours from when we saw her at the funeral home until the viewing. We didn’t think we could do an open casket viewing. Instead, I held her hand for almost the entire thing and then kissed her good bye one last time. We were determined that Natalie would not see her after she’d passed. Instead, it was Natalie’s idea to change her diaper and help us dress her and she watched the angel that God had sent to take Lilly to heaven walk out of our house with her. We didn’t think that we could ever wear our funeral clothes ever again or keep them in our house. Instead, they remind me of the last time that I held my angel.

- I’ve learned that while it is good to be strong and independent and be able to handle most things on your own, sometimes, it is ok to not be so strong. It’s ok to lean on others. It’s ok to let others take care of you. That doesn’t mean you are weak. It takes a strong person to know when you need help and to be able to ask for it.

- I’ve learned that there are still good people in the world. People that don’t even know us, that have never met us and will probably never meet us have prayed with us; rejoiced with us; and mourned with us. We are very lucky.

- I’ve learned about my family. My mom gave birth to a baby that was stillborn before my siblings and I were born. She wasn’t allowed to hold him. Didn’t even know that he was a “him” until she was pregnant with my older brother. She didn’t get pictures or a funeral or a grave to visit. She was forced to room with another woman – a woman who had a nice, healthy baby. She was sent home and told to “get over it”. Wow!

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

December 4, 2007

I'm so behind on the boards! It was so nice when I was on bedrest and I could surf the web more!


So, we've decided that for the next few months my job is to focus on my health (ie - lose as much weight as I can) and take care of Natalie. We had originally planned for me to quit and be a SAHM after Lilly was born anyway. I guess that I am. I just haven't done it officially yet. My official leave isn't up until the middle of January so we are going to see how we are doing financially and re-evaluate. My boss is awesome and is open to me coming back part time or whatever.

Today was my second official day as a SAHM and I think I'm doing pretty good! Both yesterday and today we exercised, did our chores and still had time for fun. Yesterday we made a reindeer out of a paper plate and today we went to the library for story time and decorated mittens. I have high hopes for myself these next few months and I hope I can do it.


Last week we put up a Christmas tree for Lilly at her special park (cemetary) on her special spot (her gravesite). A few of the other parents have put up trees as well and others have wreaths or other decorations. One of the trees is from a family that lost theirs 5 years ago. It was nice (?)..... reassuring (?) ... to see that they are still coming after 5 years. We go twice a week and since the cemetary is right by my parents house, they go several times a week as well.

Last week was also our 5 year anniversary. To celebrate and get away, we went to a castle - http://www.ravenwoodcastle.com/. We stayed in the Rapunzel room and we expected it to be really small since it was the least expensive room. It was huge! And very, very nice. We had an aweseome time. The castle stresses "rest and relaxation" so there were no TVs or radios in any of the rooms. There is a state park nearby - Hocking Hills Sate Park and we spent all day on Saturday hiking. I'm not sure how many miles that we did but we did a few trails. It was nice to be alone with DH and remember how much fun we can have together.

Sam went back to work last week after having several weeks off and both of us being home all day everyday. It was fun to be two stay at home parents. If only we didn't need money to survive......it's nice that after 5 years I still think "I could stay at home with him everyday".

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

December 4 continued.....


I forgot to add our other news. We are the proud (??) owners of our burial plots! The cemetary where we buried Lilly has opened a second infant garden for all of the infants. (Its sad that this is the second garden that they've opened......) The garden isn't really a garden like I imagined when I heard the words "infant garden". It is a piece of land in the center of the cemetary and the "garden" is surrounded by different types of trees. The leaves on the trees turned really pretty colors this fall - yellows and reds and oranges. The trees border the garden in the form of a circle. There is a statue (I forget of what) and some flowers towards the top of the circle and a path that leads up the center of the circle.

Our plots are horizontal from Lilly's and just outside of the circle. We'll be as close to her as we can without actually being in the infant garden. It's odd but there is some comfort in knowing that we'll always be close to her.

Of course we are doing this all backwards....... we have no Ohio wills..... only our wills that we did in Texas. We have almost no life insurance. But we have our spots.... :huh:

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

December 6, 2007

The last few days have been really hard emotionally. They say that the first three months are the hardest..... It feels like it's getting harder. Maybe it is because of the approaching holidays. Maybe it was because of the first snow of the year that we got yesterday. Maybe it is because of nothing at all.....I think that Natalie has been feeling it too. Yesterday it snowed for the first time this year and as we were outside she said the following - all completely unprompted. I just give a short answer and sometimes ask her what she thinks.
Do you think it is snowing in Heaven?
Do you think that Lilly is outside playing in the snow?
Do you think that Lilly can throw snowballs like this?
Did it snow at Lilly's special park? (what we call the cemetary)
Is there snow on her special spot? (what we call her gravesite)
Did Lilly's bear get covered with snow? (my mom put a teddy bear on her gravesite)
Is Lilly's tree in the snow? (we put up a small Christmas tree at her gravesite and decorated it with angel and baby ornaments)

And later:
Since Lilly is in Heaven and doesn't need her room anymore, she (one of her babies) is going to take her room.
Our car can't fly so we can't go to Heaven. But we can tell her hello and goodbye at her special spot.



I think about the approaching New Year and in a way I don't want this year to end. How odd is that? This year has been awful. My colon disease worsened, I got that awful head to toe rash that was so painful I couldn't sit or lay down without crying (and I don't cry), I lost my baby. But this year brought me my angel. My Lilly was conceived, born and lived her tiny life in this year. Writing that "7" everytime I write the date reminds me of her, makes me feel close to her.... I don't want to write an "8". It's weird. I can't explain it.......

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

December 10, 2007


Man I admire my husband. Wow. My job has NO WHERE NEAR the impact on childrens health that his does......and one of the main reasons that I can't go back (other than that I really want to stay home...) is that after failing to help keep my own child safe and healthy, I can't go back to a job that's main focus is to get/keep other people's kids healthy. Granted, I'm in research and just a SMALL part of a major chain.... but I'm just not that big of a person yet. And yet he's going in every day....helping other peoples kids.

And, the team that he is on right now covers the adolescent medicine patients and the nephrology patients. Nephrology? Seriously??? His first month back? Seriously?? And his first day back, he took over 5 kids getting peritoneal dialysis. Older kids. Getting peritoneal dialysis. And the fellow pimps him (not in a bitchy, kick you while you are down way (she didn't know our story...)....but still....) "So Sam, explain to the team how peritoneal dialysis works." Uh....thanks. If it had been me, I think I would have said "Screw you" and walked away.

And this past weekend a 12 year old previously healthy kid comes in for a workup for renal failure. While talking about what could be wrong with them the fellow mentions that it could be a form of renal dysplasia that they've had since birth but is just now presenting. And that when they explain it to the family they'll have to go slow and take their time and be gentle because it's a lot to take in. No shit. What I wouldn't give to trade places. 12 years. Wow. And they get to go straight to transplant...... Why couldn't Lilly have been on that end of the dysplasia spectrum? Why did we have to be on the kill you instantly end? Or even the middle? Or the doesn't present until you are two or three part of the spectrum? Why?


If we get lucky enough for # 3, I'm not asking for healthy. Sure, I'd love healthy. But I'll take sick. I would love healthy, but I'd also love sick. Please, God, next time can we just have sick? How about just 'doesn't have a fatal condition'. Can I have something treatable? Can I have that?? Can we be that lucky? Can I just have Lilly back?

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

December 21, 2007


It's been awhile since my last entry. I've written a few in my head but I'm just not feeling up to it lately......I'm in a funk and it just won't pass.


I went to my second grief support meeting on Wednesday. There were three new couples - one couple lost a child to SIDS, one lost triplet boys, one lost one of her twins. So sad. There was a man there that lost his son 9 years ago and one that lost his son 4 years ago. I can't imagine. I just can't imagine living next week without my Lilly much less a life 9 years from now. It was supposed to be Lilly's 2 month birthday that day and instead of celebrating I was at a grief meeting. The meeting was nice though. We had a memorial service for our babies and lit candles for them. And we wrote them messages and put them inside of an ornament.

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

January 30, 2008


Sometimes – a lot of times – life just sucks. In the past week, my husband backed my car into our house and scratched it, my colonoscopy results did not show what we had hoped so I have to go on two immunosuppressive drugs to get my disease under control (and who knows what this will do to my fertility and if they will lead to birth defects in any future pregnancies), my cycles haven’t returned and depending on what my bloodwork and ultrasound show I might have to go on medication to jump start them. And if that’s not enough, last night Sam and I had a no holding back, call the divorce attorney because I’m sick and tired of your bullshit fight.

I have all of this anger and I’ve really really been trying to work through it. I have a lot of anger about a lot of things. Maybe writing it out will help……

So, hear is the deal. I really don’t like Sam’s sister. I really don’t like her. She is very selfish and self absorbed and I just really don’t like her. Everything is about me, me, me. She has to have all of the attention and then pretend that she doesn’t like the attention and that it makes her anxious and nervous. Bullshit.

So, not only did I already not really like her. But, she didn’t even acknowledge Lilly or Lilly’s death. No phone call – “Hey, sorry your daughter, my niece, died. That sucks.” No card. No letter. No email. No text message. No note by carrier pigeon. No smoke signal. Nothing. Not one word. Lilly didn’t matter enough to her for her to come to the funeral or for her to send any kind of note or message whatsoever. And then she has to do this stupid speech for school – the topic – someone who means something special to me. And her topic was Lilly. Are you fucking kidding me? She didn’t mean enough to you for you to pick up the phone and call and say – sorry your baby died? – and you are going to use her for attention in your stupid speech class? Are you fucking kidding me????? When I found out I was livid. I am still livid. How dare she use my precious angel’s memory. How dare she.

So, I’m angry. Angry for Sam that she never called. Not once, the entire time that I was on bedrest did she call and say – sorry your life is sucking right now. Or even, I don’t know what to say. Nothing. I’m angry for Lilly that she had an aunt that didn’t care enough to say goodbye. I’m angry that she showed no interest in her whatsoever.

But I am livid – fight to the death – you are dead to me - livid that she used my daughter. She didn’t matter enough to come and say goodbye but she matters enough to talk about to a room full of strangers? Livid.

So I’ve been trying to deal with this anger. And I’ve been talking to Sam about it. And how I’m glad that she doesn’t live close by because I don’t want to be around her. That I don’t want her in my house. That we are removing her from our will. Angry. Livid. LIVID.

And what happens yesterday – he called his mom to talk about Natalie’s birthday. And she comes on the phone with her phoney “I’m sorry that I haven’t called you. I feel really bad about it. I’ve been thinking about you but I didn’t know what to say. And I was going to call but I don’t know your schedule and I didn’t want to leave a message on your answering machine. Oh, by the way, will you and Natalie be in my wedding in a few months and I’m coming up in a few weeks for Natalie’s birthday.” And his response, “Oh sure, we’d love to have you.” Are you fucking kidding me???????? Seriously????

When he told me I threw a hold nothing back – say whatever you want and don’t worry about the consequences – I’m sick of this bullshit – temper tantrum. I had just told him two nights before that she was not welcome in our house and that I was glad that she lived so far away. And that I was glad that she never came to visit us – we’ve seen her three or four times since Natalie was born. She has no interest in Natalie or getting to know her. I’ve talked about little else than that I can’t stand to think of her, much less go to her stupid wedding, and did I really have to go? And now I have to welcome her into my home? For my daughters birthday party? I don’t think so. I’m so incredibly tired of talking and him not listening. Hello! Listen to me jackass! Do you not hear the words coming out of my mouth?

I realize that this puts him in a tough spot. I know that. And I’m not asking for him to choose between me or his family. Maybe I am….but that is not my intention. Seriously. Have you listened to me at all? Do you not understand how angry I am?

So I’ve been working on this anger. And trying to figure out *why* am I so angry at her and how do I let it go? Is it because she did do me wrong and since I already didn’t like her it is easy to aim all of my anger at what happened at her? And how do I let it go? I can’t hold on to this forever. I can feel the blood throbbing in my forehead just writing this. Just thinking about how she used my baby.

So, I’m angry about the speech. And I’m angry about the wedding. She was supposed to get married in October 2009. Then Lilly died and his grandmother had a series of strokes and to get the attention back to her, she moved her wedding to October 2008. The weekend after Lilly’s first birthday. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. So not only do I have to go and put on a happy face the week after my daughter’s supposed first birthday. But I have to go to a wedding and watch my daughter be a flower girl with another girl. A girl who was born three weeks after Lilly. Fuck. I know that weddings are about the couple and blah blah blah. And that everyone has to put aside their own issues for the couple and let them have their day. Blah blah blah. But seriously? Seriously?


Well crap, no time to finish, I have to go and be a mom ... Natalie is melting....………

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

February 1, 2008

I feel soo much better and less angry after my temper tantrum and writing. Perhaps I should try writing first next time. I am still pissed about the entire situation. But I can probably see her now without slugging her. Maybe.



I've been having a lot of bad days lately. I spent two days this week crying most of the day. It upsets Natalie to see me upset. So I go in the bathroom and turn on the shower or outside and sit on the porch in the freezing cold or I park her in front of a video and lay in bed and bury myself under the blankets. And I cry and cry and cry.

I signed Natalie up for a pre-preschool. It's one day a week for 2 hours. I found out about this back in July and I decided to sign her up so that I'd have some alone time to play with Lilly. Coming home to an empty house is hard. What I'd really like to do is drown my sorrows with some dr. pepper and some coconut rum during this time - but since school is at 9:00 in the morning that is probably not the best idea. One of Natalie's classmates has a 4 month old brother. I can't even look at him or his mom. I'm sure she thinks I'm rude - but I do my best to avoid them. I just can't. Last week he was crying and I just sat down in the hall and cried myself. This week she was sitting in the hall and breastfeeding him. At least this week I made it to my car......






Some good news though! Good news # 1 - I should be prednisone free in 4 weeks! I am so glad. I miss my face! I've had this swollen cheeked - double chin face for a year now and I'll be glad to see it go! And once it gets out of my system I should finally see some progress from my exercise and change in eating habits. Good news # 2 - my hormones are all good and once the prednisone works its way out of my system, I should start cycling again. If you'd told me at 14 that I'd ever be excited to get a period......

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

February 6, 2008

Today is a good day!

We picked out the spot for Lilly's trees today. Enough money was donated for us to do a grove of trees, a bench, a plaque, and some shrubs. We are very excited! The planting is going to be in our favorite park - Winton Woods in an area called Harper's Meadow. Harper's Meadow is a small area where they do memorial plantings. There are several picnic shelters and two playgrounds. The shelter that we are going to be near is called Owl Outlook or something of that nature and the planting will be right next to a small playground. Awesome! The park will plant all of the trees and leave one partially planted. We will get to do the last few shovelfuls and put the mulch around the last tree. We choose trees that turn pretty colors in the fall as another way to remember her. The hospice service that helped us gives every family a balloon launch whenever they want. We are going to do Lilly's at the memorial site on the day after the trees have been planted. Everything should be in by the end of May. It's not as hard as I thought it would be to do these things for her. By doing these little things - she lives on.

A few photos - Here are the three of us girls on Lilly's last "good" day .....




And an action shot - this is one of my favorite photos - I can hear her cries of protest and see her flailing her arms and legs at getting her diaper changed:

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

February 10, 2009

I can manage the pain when I’m expecting it. But man, I hate being blindsided by it. I feel like I’ve fallen through a rabbit-hole and I’ve landed in an evil Wonderland. Things that should be fun turn painful. Things that are painful…..well…yeah, those pretty much just stay painful. Going to the doctor should be routine. Until I have to go in the ultrasound room…the room where our hell started. Add that woman to the list of people that think I’m a bawling lunatic. I remember so much about that day. What I had for breakfast. Dropping Natalie off at school. I specifically told her that I would pick her up after school and we’d go out to dinner that night since Daddy was on-call. I still feel guilty for that…. Then rushing to work because I had a meeting to get to. Rushing to the doctor so that I wouldn’t be late for my ultrasound. Joking with my mom as we walked into that room thinking that this was just a routine ultrasound and in a little while we’d be headed out to lunch. And then seeing The Look. Knowing that that feeling that something wasn’t right was about to come to fruition and not knowing what hell we were about to enter.

Opening the mail and finding the social security card for the baby that will never use it.

Going to the dentist for a cleaning. When I set up this appointment I made it so that either Sam would be home or so that my mom could come over after work to watch the kids. The kids. Plural. I’m supposed to have two!

Going to a birthday party at the aquarium should be fun. Until I see a tiny brown haired baby in the same sling that I had intended to buy for myself. And then I just want to lay down and die. Get me out of here now!!

Taking Natalie for her first haircut should be fun. Until we get there and I see that the salon is right next to the Carters store. When we pulled in I was overwhelmed with the memories. I can see us going in. We’d just come from the 20ish week ultrasound. My entire pregnancy I’d had this nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. I chalked it up to fear from the two previous miscarriages and the irrational fear that all pregnant women have. If I’d had to say what was wrong, I’d have said that something was wrong with her heart. That was my “irrational” fear. But it wasn’t irrational. We’d just come from my ultrasound and everything looked great. A perfect heart. The baby was right on track. Healthy. Perfect. And another little girl. Sam and I marched in – so excited and full of dreams. Two little princesses!! We bought a shitload of clothes. To celebrate our good luck we had chili dogs and root beer at this little mom and pop roadside stand then ice cream from our favorite shop – Cold Stone Creamery. I’d forgotten about that day……

Going to mass should bring comfort. Until one of the songs is from her funeral. I have no idea what happened after that. Did I even go to communion? Coffee and donuts after mass should be fun. Let’s meet new people! But it’s in the same room where we said goodbye. I look at the spot where we said goodbye and I see her. I feel her. My arms physically ache.

Songs on the radio. Songs that I sung to my belly as I drove to work – Songs that I danced to with her in my arms. Songs about little girls growing up.

A wedding is fun. Until a baby starts to cry. Or worse – babble. Dammit. Bring on the amaretto sours. Now!!! Keep ‘em coming until I’m numb.

The pain. A skip of the heart. The twisting of my stomach. My breathe catches. I think I’m going to . The ache of my arms. The feel of her breathe on my cheek….her hair under my fingers. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. Wanting to just lay down and die from a broken heart – knowing that I have to be strong because I have another baby that needs me. Willing myself to be strong. To not make a spectacle of myself. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes not. Knowing that the best way to honor her it to live a life that would make her proud. Begging God to give her back.

I’m haunted by this song: Who you’d be today. The lyrics are so true. Everyday I wear the pain like a heavy coat. I try to make it a coat of heavy armor to protect me from this cruel Wonderland. Some days it works. Some days it’s full of holes.

Usually when I put up my guard I can make it through the situation and save the hurt for later. There might be babies there? No problem. I can pretend they are little aliens. I don’t want a little alien. I want a human baby. So there. Take that little aliens. I don’t need you! You can't hurt me!!! As long as they are quiet….it’s all good. That cry is so distinct. I’m not good enough at lying to myself to pretend that that sound is foreign.

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

The song that haunts....and brings comfort at the same time.....

(If you haven't guessed....yes, I am a basketcase.) :|


Artist: Chesney Kenny
Song: Who You'd Be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

Chorus:

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Chorus

Today, Today, Today
Today, Today, Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

March 12, 2008

All day long I think about things to say in my blog. But at night when I finally have time to sit down and get them out ... my thoughts seem to have vanished. :huh:


I've been knitting some. I just finished a dishcloth and tomorrow I'm going to get some yarn to make a blanket for Natalie. Her blankie is getting quite worn and there are several big holes in it that she won't let me fix. I just know that one day we'll wash it and it won't survive the washing machine. I joined the ravelry website and we found a pattern for a blanket that looks similar to hers. She saw it and said that she wanted it. That got me thinking and I sat down with her blanket and tried to figure out how many rows each of the colors is. I have a homemade pattern. Her blanket is so worn and faded that I had to go through her baby book and look for pictures to help me see the pattern and to count some of the rows. We'll see how it turns out. What we do for our babies!!


My body is continuing to physically heal. My colitis symptoms are continuing to get better (yay). My OB thinks that all of the prednisone that I was on may have suppressed my ability to ovulate. So last month I had a forced period and I had some labs done today to see if I did ovulate this month. My chart looks good so I'm hopeful that I can get back to normal. Since my forced cycle we've been able to resume our married life and things are SO much better at home. We were being careful (ie abstaining) since we didn't know where I was in my cycle and what was going on with my body. Thank God! Four months is a LONG TIME!!!!!


Natalie's ability to make me laugh out loud right when I need it never ceases to amaze me. We brought a pinwheel and some Easter decorations to Lilly's spot today. Natalie ran out of the house with the twirling with the pinwheel and shouting up to the sky "We got you a pinwheel Lilly! Can you see it? Look down at us Lilly. Can you see it? Did you have pancakes like me this morning? I love you!" And blowing her kisses.
It breaks my heart and warms it at the same time. And it is amazing to me that she comes up with all of this on her own. Several of the other families at the cemetary decorate their childs' gravesite for the holidays like we do. After we put down Lilly's things we walked around and looked at the other decorations. This one spot - for whatever reason the family hasn't put in a marker yet - but for every holiday they have had beautiful decorations. Two babies have been added in the past two months.

Natalie has also been pretending that she has "children" of her own. Today she had me get her (imaginary) children out of the car. Yesterday she made Sam get them down off of the counter. It is funny to hear her talk to them and see how much of what we tell her gets repeated.

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

March 12 (cont)

How could I forget? I wanted to add that my baby has gone from this:







to this:









How did that happen????

[samssugarmomma]

Re: A day in the life of...

April 9, 2008

This has been sticking with me lately:


"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger women.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.


Author Unknown