Life In The Real World

[PrincessFiona]

Our family is expanding yet again!




No, not the way you might think.

This weekend, we welcomed.....Fred The Cool Dude...into our happy little Zoo.



It was no secret that Alex desperately wanted a turtle for Christmas. We promised him one for his birthday in February, but when it came right down to it, they were just too expensive and we feared that we would have to invest in a great deal of equipment along with more than $100 for the turtle that he wanted.

But this turtled found him...or rather...Amanda and her friend while they were out playing on the edge of the pond. Fred was hidden under the sand...He appears to be a North American Soft Shell and he has had a small bite taken out of his out shell along with some scratches. It looks like he might have been attacked by another turtle or perhaps a duck? Though the girls were initially interested in Fred (whom they wanted to name Fred the Fredburger... they eventually handed him over to Alex, who has loved poor Fred 1/2 to death all weekend.

No one could have been happier about finding Fred than Alex (except perhaps Aidan)...and no one could have been unhappier about this little turn of events than Thomas (who isn't really a friend of amphibians and reptiles and has balked over Spiderman and the Green Goblin our water frogs for 5 years now... hehehehe!). He worked all weekend and came home Saturday night planning to tell the boys to put Fred back outside.

Instead, he was met by two very happy little boys who excitedly showed off Fred. Within minutes, Thomas was telling them that they could take care of Fred for the summer and then turn him back into the pond.

We have set up as natural of an environment as we can for Fred. Its' fun to sit and watch him bury himself in sand or swim in the water. I'm only concerned because I haven't yet seen him eat. We've tried worms, ants and floating turtle food. If I don't see him eat soon, I will release him because I don't want him to die.

He joins:

Loopy; the first cat that we rescued.


Fluffy; who found her way to us through some friends. Amanda insisted on naming her Fluffy even though she has short hair. She has eaten herself into her name though.


Scouty; the last cat that we rescued. He sleeps with me under the covers almost every night!


and Molly..who is pictured here doing what she does best...


We also have two African clawed frogs...but I couldnt' get a good picture of them!

Last week was so busy. The highlight of the week for Alex and Aidan was the school carnival on Friday night. Aidan of course went dressed as Superman. I think he had been wearing that same outfit for 3 days straight....day and night. I had to eventually pry it from his grubby little hands to insist on a bath, a change of underwear and get his costume CLEAN!


Zoe was sick again at the end of the week. This is really getting so old. I can't wait for this cold/flu season to finally end. I had to cancel an appointment that I had made 6 weeks ago because I couldn't take her to my sitter. She was up half the night before the appointment throwing up, and she had a fever. This tranformed itself into an upper respiratory infection by the end of the weekend (with continued low-grade fever) and Aidan has had a fever since yesterday. Today he also seems to have the upper respiratory stuff.

How on EARTH do moms with small children work?

Andrew's big news is that he was accepted to the private prep school that he applied to. This application process has taken nearly 4 months and has involved him filling out an official application, writing an essay, getting letters of recommendation AND getting his transcripts from the middle school as well as his Iowa and MN Comprehensive scores sent in. I Kid. You. Not. The culmination of this little *pretend we're a university that you are applying to* experience was his interview last Wednesday.

I was able to be in the room while they talked with him about his interests (academic and *just-for-fun*). True to his little professor form, he decided to grace them with an overview of his class schedule...starting with homeroom. He detailed each class, what he had started learning at the beginning of the semester, what projects he had been working on, his likes and dislikes, his conflict with his language arts teacher, etc...

Truthfully, I was mortified. I couldn't get him to stop talking no matter what I said to him (and despite kicks under the table from me!) The interview concluded though and the school director asked to speak with me while Andrew continued talking with one of the teachers who was evaluating him.

I expected her to tell me that now that they had sat with him one on one that they realized that they couldn't take him after all.

Instead (and in great contrast to how our current school district has handled him) the director told me that they had evaluated his test scores and recommendations and...that his test scores blew them out of the water. They want him to skip 7th grade pre-algebra altogether next year and move straight into the 8th grade class. In addition, they will be putting him into one of the higher german classes and will let him progress in language arts at his own pace.

She is convinced that with academic nurturing and direction that he will really excel, and she commented that his current frustration with school and motivational nadir is clearly because he is not being respected or challenged.

Go Andrew Go!

His letter of acceptance arrived on Saturday, and...he was surprised and excited. He is on his way!

Amanda has had a great week. She seems to be finding solid footing with new friendships and is....happy for the most part. It's great to see her feeling more confident...but her new friendships have resulted in some akward conversations for me. I have never really been a big fan of the fashion trends or make-up...but I also remember how imporant having the right clothes and look were in middle school. I wanted to raise my children to believe in who they are and not...what they look like...but I realize that both are important...and that the *outside* is as important as the *inside* sometimes.

So surprisingly, I am encouraging her to fix her hair nicely and to dress the part of who she wants to be. It's uncomfortable to me, but I have acknowledged to her the role of appearances...and she has taught me...the importance of appearances. Her focus on how she looks and how I don't wear make-up or dress up usually has made me take a look at how I present myself to the world. I don't think my outsides really match my insides and it is something that I'm really going to work on.

Amanda did, however, find a copy of an intake form that I had filled out for her when we considered having her see a psychologist during all of the social problems she was experiencing. Initially, her reaction was to be angry...though really...I didn't say anything negative or *bad* about her at all. We had a long talk about how everyone has strengths and weaknesses and so I asked her to fill out an evaluation on me.

Enjoy:
Legal Name: Mom

Weaknesses: spends too much time online, is embarassing (as in...I don't wear make-up when I pick up her cool friends and I ask all of the wrong questions when they are in the car with us...sigh) , a little over-protective.

Strengths: very nice, works hard, helps out with social krap, understanding, sensitive, a good friend, buys the best birthday gifsts (ahem mom, my bday is coming up and I want giftcards to old navy, wet seal, target, claires, aeropastale and jcpenny's...PLZ!) Can deal with stress without breaking down, talented singer and creative.

Additional Information:

Mom can be embarassing and signs her kids up for things that they don't want do do...for example: german school and kung fu. She is also known for spoling Zoe and barely taking Amanda shopping and being waaaay too over protective and stealing gum.

Comments: Mom has something about her that draws her to friendships. People see what a good friend she can be.

[PrincessFiona]

Wow…what a crazy week it’s been!

First, was the much anticipated (by me) visit from my mom. I did a good job of keeping it a secret from Thomas and the kids and my mom and I really had fun with it. She is about to start a new job, but the week before she came, I implied to Thomas that she had decided to retire and was thinking about just coming here to live. Thursday after work, Thomas came home to find my mom sitting in the kitchen with Aidan on her lap. He was stunned into…well…a bizarre silence. Don’t take my word for it though, we video taped it :>

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVOVIkupJNs Feel free to notice the stunned “where did your mom come from” followed by him going to the sink and washing some dishes …the akward silence…the inability to look at us while we put him on about her coming here to stay.

We know we’re bad. hehehe!

The weekend really was a whirlwind though. Amanda had dance practice Thursday and Friday night and her recital was Saturday morning. It ended up being just my mom and I that went because Zoe had a bit of a fever and Alex was vomiting. I felt really badly for her that the rest of the clan couldn’t be there. To top it off, they always sell flowers at these events and they were sold out when we got there 15 minutes before the performance started. Amanda was also in such a bad mood all morning that we ended up giong to the recital and then just coming home. There was no fanfare…no excitement…because I was so upset about Amanda’s sass and talking back.

The recital was great, but my camera also wasn’t working properly and I couldn’t get a good picture. I was so bummed!

Saturday night, Thomas and I went out and stayed at an area hotel. We were hoping to watch movies all night and enjoy each other’s company and were surprised to find that we tucked ourselves into bed, turned on the first movie..and then drifted off to sleep! At least we were able to sleep through the night without little ones waking up for the bottle or kicking us with their cold little feet.

Sunday, Amanda, Zoe, my Mom and I went out for brunch at IHOP to celebrate Amanda and Zoe’s birthdays and to have a mini-mother’s day meal together a couple of weeks early. We talked about Amanda’s recital and just enjoyed each other’s company. The weekend ended too soon and before I knew it, I was putting my mom back on the plane to head home.

I can’t believe that it’s already Wednesday! I’ve managed to get some gardening done this week and have started some Spring Cleaning, but really…the week has just passed by too fast.

Yesterday, we had the neonatology appointment for Zoe. The PT/OT person confirmed what I have suspected all along: Zoe is not developing completely normally. The scoot that she was doing wasn’t a *normal* scoot and although she is walking, she is standing improperly, crouching in an unusual manner and is walking with her legs too far apart. She did the developmental milestone testing and tested a month behind her adjusted age as well….

The good news, of course, is that she is walking. The doc said that he wouldn’t have expected her to be walking yet. The bad news is that the PT/OT feels that there is a problem with Zoe’s development of patterns for a variety of reasons. She doesn't know if this will only affect things like crawling/early motor stuff or will end up being a bit more pervasive and affect later motor skills, language or learning...though there are no real obvious problems. You don't look at Zoe and immediately think that something is wrong.

The doc said that there is no way of knowing really if this is damage from the vincristine, a problem, ro something that will eventually correct itself.

We will be seeing a physical therapist on May 15th and instead of going back to the neonatology clinic in a year will be having another appointment in 3-6 months for follow-up on neurodevelopmental issues with the neonatologist. Zoe's speech continues to lag as well…though it is more difficult to determine whether or not that is just her normal. Amanda wasn’t talking at all by 1 1/2 and then suddenly was speaking in complete sentences…so who knows.

The thing is, we really felt for awhile that she was saying words: cookie, molly etc…but it turns out that we were hearing a word that we were familiar with and were assuming that she was saying the word for that object as well. We are unable to get her to repeat the words and her best attempt at mama is babababababababa Again..it might be Zoe’s normal. I suggested that the motor weirdness might also be normal for Zoe but the PT/OT told me she didn’t think so…that there were a few red flags popping up as she watched her.

Score 1 for mother’s intuition….not that I’m happy to be right about that, of course.

I also started a liquid diet yesterday. I have decided that I use food as a comfort, to celebrate, if I’m bummed…but don’t just view it as nourishment….I also just can’t eat *normally*…even when I really set out to have just 1 serving, I end up eating and eating and eating. It has been so depressing to me and I just haven’t been able to get it under control. So…the liquid protein diet has been born. I decided to *detox* off of food. Alcoholics can stop drinking…but people with food issues…can’t give up food. I guess this is my attempt to try and take away the emotional eating. What’s funny is that it is actually a relief. I have made the rule that I am not eating food items right now but can drink as many shakes as I want whenever I’m hungry so that I’m not starving myself etc…and having eliminated the choice to eat food…I’m not obsessing on it hardly at all. Yesterday I only drank 4 shakes that were 110 calories each…and that’s it. I wasn’t hungry nor was I miserable. Obviously, I’m going to up my calories….I don’t want to be unhealthy about it…..but it’s interesting that taking away the choice of food was/is such a relief.

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

T-1 day until my mil arrives from Germany. I have been busting my behind to get the house cleaned up and I feel like I'm never going to be ready. So....I'm doing what any rational, busy, mom of 5 who desperately has to get her house cleaned up by tomorrow would do...I'm....sitting online catching up on my blogs.

Yesterday I spent 4 hours cleaning out the garage. It looks much better now, but it still isn't where I would ideally like to see it before she gets here. I accepted though that it is done for now...and I moved on to the kitchen and main living space. ...and...true confession...I hired someone to come in and help me. She did the downstairs bathroom/family room/kid's playroom-guestroom while I worked on the kitchen. It was a huge help and I hired her permanently. I have always backed away from having any help with cleaning/childcare etc and lately I have been turning the corner on both issues. I'm sick and tired of cleaning up the same messes over and over again that 5 children can make and I'm desperate for some help. Yesterday morning I was facing this house with dread at how much I had to do. The downstairs looks fabulous, and I didn't have to do it....I can not begin to say how relieved I was. I am literally willing to go and get a job at McDonalds just to pay someone to help me keep my house clean.

While my cleaning help was doing the downstairs, I spent 3 hours on the kitchen. THREE. I took the table and chairs out onto the deck and cleaned each piece individually. I cleaned out drawers and threw away junk. I swept, cleaned and polished the wooden floors.

And then the kids came home from school and.....within 15 minutes, my floor looked like I hadn't cleaned it in a week. How does that happen? To make matters worse, while I was cleaning out Fred's cage, Zoe got into the cabinet beneath my feet and pulled out an entire can of paint. I didn't realize what she was doing until I felt something wet on my foot...and looked down to see her gleefully sitting in/spreading about the latex paint all over the floor and...the laundry that we had ready to be washed.

I literally put in a full day of work cleaning up yesterday....and I can practically start from scratch today with the kitchen. I haven't touched the upstairs bedrooms/bathrooms in days....and the laundry is literally growing as I sit here and type.

Ahhhh, the glamour!

By itself, this week has been another whirlwind of activity. Amanda turned 11 on May 2nd and we went to our traditional birthday hang-out as a family: Space Aliens.






And finally....The birthday girl herself:


We had a fun night....

But our waiter seemed awfully familiar to me. I kept trying to figure out where I knew him from. Finally, he asked me how old Zoe was:

"She just turned 1"
"Really, when?"
"April 17th."
"You're kidding. My daugter turned 1 on April 16th".

We exchanged notes and discovered that they were both born at the same hospital. He whipped out his wallet and showed me a picture of his little girl.

"Well, Lydia spent 2 weeks in the NICU"
"Really, my daughter spent 5 weeks in the NICU...Lydia, Lydia....OMG..." and then I started recounting what I remembered about her. Lydia and Zoe used to have little burping competitions. He and his wife had bought a pink little carseat that ended up being a bad fit and they had to go out and buy another one..he was a DJ during the day for a local radio show. I was excited to recognize him and tell him what little I did remember about them.

He smiled and recounted how traumatic the NICU time had been for he and his wife. They were also there the day that the little boy was crashing and dying. We had both sat in our cubicles holding our babies and were equally as devastated....He talked about all of the awful things he had seen there. He felt that he was different from everyone else because their baby just happened to come a little early (at 31 weeks) and had done very well and left within 2 weeks. Other people, he explained were there because of awful things happening in their lives or terrible tragedies. He treated me like we both had been onlookers to the trainwreck that was the NICU.

"I'm sorry. I just don't recognize you" he finally said.
"I looked a little different"
Pause.
"I always wore bandanas because...I had lost my hair".

He literally took a step back. In that instant, I realized that I was no longer a bystander who had shared an ordeal with him...I was a passenger on the train that he had watched .... in apprehension and fear.

He finally caught himself.

"My God...is this...ZOE."
I shook my head.
"Oh, Zoe. She's ok....She's really ok. My wife and I ...we have talked about Zoe and...you...and you are ok. Really...You are ok...you and Zoe are OK."
Hot tears stung the back of my eyes...but I smiled to alleviate our mutual discomfort.
"I am doing really well, and so is Zoe. You'll have to tell your wife that you saw us and that we're both doing great."
"Oh, I will...I won't be able to go to sleep tonight before I tell her. I just can't believe this. It's incredible".

I offered him my phone number and suggested that his wife and I could get together and have Lydia and Zoe play. I never heard from them....but I honestly am not surprised.

I was really saddened by this exchange in a way that I just can't explain.

For the most part, I believe that I have just moved on from the last couple of years. It doesn't seem real to me. When I see photos or think about the drama surrounding my pregnancy and Zoe's first months, it is like thinking about someone else's life...not my own. I don't...feel...most of the time what I think that I *should* feel...and yet, maybe that is exactly how I'm supposed to feel in order to be able to move forward...move on with my life.....

That evening though was a mixed bag....The joy of celebrating (ummm, I can't believe that I'm using that word) my oldest daughter's official entrance into the world of Tween and the sadness at facing the painful memory of my youngest daughter's entry into this world.

Later in the week, Amanda had a choir concert. It was awesome. Her 5th grade class has some really talented singers in it...and I have to include her in that group....they did a wonderful job. Amanda has a lot of musical gifts. She is the one in the pigtails with the long hair covering her face.


Friday, my dear friend, Kelly came up to visit from the Twin Cities. She is preparing to move to Ohio and we're trying to get in a few last visits....I can't believe that it is already time for her to move on. I have cherished our friendship and the opportunities that we have had to get together over the years. We've been through a lot together. I will miss having her nearby.



Saturday was Amanda's birthday party. She invited two little girls from school for a sleep-over...



They spent the evening reading Teen Cosmo and gigling down in the playroom, giving each other make-overs and running outside in the backyard and playing on the pond. I think it was a really nice day for her and I enjoyed seeing her together with friends. I was really bothered by the fact that she excluded a friend from the party. I know that this is part of this whole "tween" thing that I'm dealing with...but I just can't keep up anymore with the friendship changes. The particular little girl who wasn't invited has been a good, steady friend of Amanda's. They have gone roller-skating together on weekends, had sleep-overs and play dates.....She is a really nice girl...but she doesn't *fit* the new "I want to be popular" look and feel that Amanda is going for...and so...Amanda has slowly walked away from this friendship.

I feel sad for this little girl...and sad for Amanda...and maybe a little sad for myself since....I think I might have been that little girl when I was younger! But...I also went through what my daughter is going through and I can think of one friendship in particular that I moved away from when I was in the 9th grade.... These are tough years for girls... I better buckle up my seat-belt for the ride!



My daughter is now obsessed with fashion and glamour.

It's brought out some good things in me...It has re-awakened by own desire to look nice. I find myself working with my Richard Simmons hair more often. I also bought myself new, more fashionable shirts/cami's to go underneath them and am enjoying finding interesting shoes to wear for the first time in probably 10 years! It is actually kind of fun to try and keep up.

I'm also losing weight. I've lost 7 pounds since I really started trying again. The scale hasn't moved down for me over the last several days, but...my pants have gotten so loose that I actually had to go out and buy a new pair the other day! Yeah! It is helping that Spring is FINALLY here and I can get outside and go walking every day.

Life in general is better than it was just a few weeks ago when Spring just refused to come.

Andrew is caught up on his missing assignments and has accepted that he will be going to the Prep school next year...things are going fairly smoothly with him (with the exception of when he was jumping on Alex's bed and fell into the wall and put a hole in the drywall the size of his head....sigh...). Alex has started going to KidStop several days a week. As much as I was opposed to the idea (why am I a sahm again?) I realized that he needs to play with other children. He is incredibly social and had begged with me to let him go. He has a wonderful time too....I'm sorry that I didn't let him go sooner. I am going to send Amanda and Andrew as well because I think it is good for the social stuff. I'm tired of them coming home from school only to grab their snacks and crumble them through the house while they play gamecube, watch tv or surf the computer. I want them socializing. I think Andrew and Amanda really need that!

Aidan is doing great....He and I drove out to the German-Immersion preschool this week to enroll him and much to my relief (those of you who know how I've struggled with this issue will be relieved too) I discovered that the program really isn't what I want for him...or for Alex (the elementary school). The whole way out there I was thinking about ways that I could make the 1.5 hour drive daily so that Alex could do 3rd grade and Aidan/Zoe could have the benefits of the preschool. Once we were in the school though I discovered that the instruction is in German but that the kids speak english with each other and are permitted to answer the teacher in english. What...is the point then? We already do that here at home.

Truly, I was relieved to know that we don't have to up and move closer to the cities to let them go to the german school. I am relieved that I don't have to lament the "they're missing out" anymore on a nearly daily basis. What I can provide for them at home is at least of equal quality to what they would be getting there.

I haven't homeschooled the kids in german though since I got sick and we have fallen out of the routine. I ordered some materials to help me organize and decided that this summer I will get back into a daily 2 hour homeschool routine with them.

At least we laid that argument to rest.

What we haven't put to rest is what I will do with my life.



I find myself vascilating between homeschooling my children full-time, biting the bullet and applying to med school (ummm, can you have two such opposite aspirations), teaching german through community ed or getting a degree in health psychology.

It's really crazy to have gone through such a life-altering experience over the last two years and to land on my feet right where I was when the whole thing started. Actually, I think that I had been much more at peace with my career self before getting sick. Now, I am accutely aware of the fact that we don't know what is around the next bend...and that we can't put off being happy or fulfilling our dreams until tomorrow...because tomorrow...may not come.

I have spent a lot of time walking and sitting out in my garden on the pond thinking about my life and my goals and...who I am...where I want to be with my life......reflecting.



I have spent my life moving from place to place and trying to *fit in* wherever I land. My dad was in the Army and so we moved every 1 to 3 years. I went to several elementary schools, 2 junior highs and 3 high schools before graduating, and I promised myself that as an adult, I would never move. I recently found one of my high school year books and one of the girls had written a good-bye to me that year that said "A rolling stone gathers no moss". I remember reading that after she had written it and thinking that if I ever wrote a book about my life...that that is what the title would be.

I realized this week that I'm still there....rolling down that hill...enjoying the scenery, but...not planting my roots or establishing lasting friendships. I don't even know if I know how....

We have lived in this house less than two years and I already find myself looking at other homes...other towns....I have been frustrated by the fact that the housing market here has taken such a nosedive. I know that we can't move in the next few years without losing a lot of money and I have felt trapped.

A few days ago, I was on a walk near the woods and I came upon a massive old tree growing crooked into the sky. I stopped to look at the disfigured, slanted trunk growing up above the younger trees. I wondered what misfortuntes had caused it to bend and lose many of its branches. And yet there it was...growing tall...it's leaves a brilliant green...

It felt literally like the hand of God reached down and said "Grow Where You Are Planted".

I am like an old, gnarly tree without roots twisting deep into the soil as my foundation to hold me in place. I am always, always...moving.

I need to make decisions about my life and determine finally....to let my roots take hold of the soil....

[PrincessFiona]

We are finally entering the final week of my mil's visit. I admit that I have a lot of mixed feelings about how this particular visit has gone. It has been a real struggle for me to maintain a positive attitude, and quite frankly, I haven't been able to do it this time. We have had several smaller *disagreements* and one larger one where I really let go of my sanity. I'll spare everyone the details of my most recent temper-tantrum. I'm sure that the legendary tale of my behavior will be echoing through all of the little German town in about a week.
Sadly, I really didn't put my best foot forward for most of this visit, which is different than how I usually conduct myself. I was upset about her visit before she even arrived because of the fact that it was booked for a month and intersected with the end of the school year etc. It is difficult to have a houseguest for an extended period of time, and I don't understand the logic that because the ticket is expensive, she should stay as long as possible so that it is *worth it*. It isn't worth it when everyone feels unhappy...and with everyone, I include her. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for a 66 year old woman to come and live with a family that is very different from her own....with different values and problems. She has walked into a situation that she can't escape from for a month and she doesn't have anyone to talk to besides us....which makes things very difficult for her...and for us. To top it off, Thomas and I have been struggling with our own issues and unhappiness this past year and we aren't really in a place to...play host....right now. We have 5 busy kids who are sometimes fabulous and sometimes downright terrors...and that's just the reality of our life. Our lives aren't always organized or tied up into a neat little package....with a family of 7 comes chaos. It's just part of the deal.

My mil had a hard life and she has come to terms with her life by organizing and cleaning. It is what she does. It is who she is. She copes with the disorganization around her by decluttering, arranging, sanitizing and scrubbing... and I believe that she also enjoys it. I understand her and I respect that this is how she copes with her life and her feelings.

My life has been difficult too. I didn't grow up in post WW-II Germany, but I have had my share of hard knocks that are also not insignifcant. I cope with those experiences and my life in general by throwing myself into gardening, craft projects and scrapbooking. I don't always finish what I start, I have several projects going on at one time and...I'm disorganized.....but it is how I find peace and happiness in my own life.

And right now, I am really searching to redefine who I am and what my *center of gravity* really is. I am needing a lot of alone time to sort through my feelings about my life and how I want to live. I am in desperate need of solitude and affirmations and instead right now, I am living in an environment of criticism and negative comparison.

I know that my sil is a fabulous cook because I've heard it over and over again...After seeing pics of easter egg coloring in our house this year, my mil shared with me that my sil had saved onion peels all year to dye eggs naturally. She had come over and they had attached daisies to plain eggs...then boiled them in the onion water and removed the daisies to have "eggs that were just almost too beautiful to eat".

Saving onion peels for a year to boil them to make a natural coloring for hardboiled eggs? Seriously, how can I ever compete with that? I can't....and I don't want to. I have 5 children. They'll just have to live with the little tablets that dissolve in vinegar.

The comparisons though already set up an artificial distance between my sil and I though.

I have listened to weeks of how everyone else raises their children and what they wouldn't allow. I've not actually heard a compliment about any of my children...just the negative....and it is really unfortunate. I know that she loves our children and that she loves us...but it would be nice to hear the good from time-to-time. We all need to feel loved and nurtured.

I do a fair amount of sewing and my biggest source of sewing pride this year was finishing the quilt I started for Zoe when she and I began our chemo together. My mil had visited before I had finished it and had kind of poo-pooed it. "Why did you start this? You will never finish it...just don't bother"....When I showed her the finished product and the fun Link and Mario blankets that I made for the kids I didn't even get a nod of the head over them....but she has gone on about how talented one of her younger friends is and how she taught herself to sew and makes the most lovely costumes for her children. Of course she had to launch into that story because I told her how much Aidan enjoys wearing different costumes each day and how I get them at the second hand store.

No matter how hard I try, I can't win...and I think this visit I decided that because I can't win...I won't try.

But that isn't working either because I feel very badly about how I've behaved. I have lashed out at everyone, but especially Thomas. I have allowed myself to be miserable and negative and angry...and I don't feel good about myself.

At the same time...my husband and mil share in the responsibility here.

I told dh last night that we have to cut back to 2-week visits...even if that means she comes 3 times a year for shorter stints instead of 2 tmes/year for a long time. Ultimately, I want to be able to enjoy the time with her and...I want her to have fun. She deserves to have a relationship with her grandchildren and Thomas... We'll just have to find a way to work it all out.

[PrincessFiona]

Good-Byes....

So much happens in our busy lives that if I just miss out on writing for a few days it feels like I have enough words to fill the page completely.

My mother-in-law left on Thursday after what ended up being some nice final days. It took nearly a month for us all to find our groove and accept each others differences, but in the end, the visit ended on an up note. Thomas and I have decided to definitely bring her for shorter periods of time more frequently. I really love my mil...but we are two very different people and that can make things very difficult when we are living under the same roof for such a long period of time. I think that the children will also benefit more from having her here more frequently for less time.

Zoe's much anticipated physical therapy evaluation finally arrived in the mail:

Zoe is a pleasant 1-year-old girl, adjusted to 10-months, evaluated today secondary to concerns of gross motor delay. She was evaluated using the Peabody Developmental Motor Scales 2nd edition, which actually places her gross motor development within normal limits for both her chronological and her adjusted age. Unfortunately, the test is not sensitive to gait abnormalities and other atypical movement paterns. Zoe presents with lack of trunk rotation during ambulation as well as static play. She presents with intoeing as well as difficulty with toe clearance during ambulation as well. In addition, Zoe demonstrates limited midline play and is not observed to reach passed midline with either extremity. Zoe also presents with functional shoulder girdle weaknes, as a result of no crawling on hands and knees. Zoe is noted to ambulate with a wide base of suport, with increased lordosis and arms in a moderate guard position. She does not demonstrate any trunk rotation and uses a pivot like motion to increase exursion, resulting in an intoed gait. She presents with a mild delay in hip flexion and dorsioflexion during swing, resulting in a mild toe drag, bilaterally. This pattern is noted to intensify both with increased speeds as well as fatigue. Neurological evaluation shows muscle tone mildly decreased throughout. All of these concerns place Zoe at significant risk for developmental delay, particularly in the area of fine motor skills, as well as at risk for over/misuse syndrome in the neck and shoulders.

I am....at a loss for what to feel when I read this. My overwhelming emotion is sadness. Obviously, this is something that can be worked with and treated. I just feel afraid that it was the vincristine that caused this and that there could be other issues related to behavior or learning that will also crop up. I will whisper this thought because I don't want to say it too loud...but I feel like her speech has regressed and though she continues to babble, she does a lot more grunting now. I know I'm overanalyzing and I probably wouldn't do this with my other children. I just can't help but go down that road now. Amanda didn't talk until she was 2...and then it was in complete sentences all of a sudden. Each child is different....right.... I just don't want to voice my fears too loud. I don't want to be right about this.

Friday, Andrew's marching band had their first performance at the middle school for parents to come and watch. My little boy....is big enough to be in the marching band.

I took a lot of deep breaths while they all marched out onto the field....a real band...with a flag to announce them, flags to wave to the music, and a real sound....a....real band.

My little boy is growing up.

When I saw him march onto the field, my mind saw was this:



When I took his picture after the marching band had finished, here is how he stood before me:


How did this happen? When did he grow up into a young man?

We got home in time to meet my dear friend, Kelly....for our last and final get-together. She is the closest friend that I have had since college ....Together, we have brought babies into the world, survived a pregnancy loss and cancer .... We have debated the meaning of life, argued about politics, contemplated leaving our husbands to move in with each other ala *Golden Girls*. We have met at McDonald's play areas, beaches and each others homes despite living hours away....have logged more hours on the phone than...my tween daughter and her friends.

And now...she is leaving. Her time in MN has come to an end and she is moving on with her family to begin a new chapter in her life.

Our children played one last time...




We talked all day....and then....
We said good-bye...


Amanda had a friend over and was on a bike ride when we tok this picture....

As the sun was setting in Sartell, I walked out onto the deck to take a picture and the phone rang......
"Hey, what are you doing....".....it was Kelly on her way home....We chatted for another hour while she drove....and darkness fell.

Good bye Kelly....I love you...

Please click here....

[PrincessFiona]

The summer between my junior and senior year of highschool, I agreed to be a *nanny* for the family that I had babysat for all year. I loved the two little boys and for the first two weeks, things went really well. Then, the mom and her sister asked if I would babysit for an entire weekend while they went on a girl's retreat. I readily agreed...imagining how I would spend the whopping $100 that I would earn for babysitting 4 children for 3 days and 2 nights.

The first night was fun...but after that, it became more and more of a challenge. By the end of the weekend, I was absolutely spent. I quit my nanny job within an hour of coming home from my babysitting marathon and to make matters worse...the $100 check that I received bounced....twice.....

I happily got a job framing pictures as a local frame shop and babysat occasionally on weekends.

"It is," I figured "easier to manage when you are watching your own children and you have an emotional investment."



Fast forward to this morning. I was exhausted. Zoe didn't fall asleep last night until late and then she slept restlessly. I woke up to take her to physical therapy feeling like I hadn't slept all night....and wishing I could just hit the snooze button and sneak in another hour or two....Instead, I headed out the door and woke Thomas as I left, "don't forget to take Aidan to soccer.". This is his morning to do the soccer dad thing because of the time conflict with physical therapy. I got back and the morning breakfast routine started...little kids first...big kids next...and no sooner did I have the kitchen cleaned up when it was already time for Zoe (who was exhausting me with her whining and crying) to have lunch. Despite the fact that my cleaning lady came on Monday, and...I had finished the job yesterday evening by cleaning out drawers and cupboards, the kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off in it. And....to add insult to injury, the laundry (5 loads of it) that I had washed, dried and so meticulously folded) was all laying toppled over and spread out across the living room floor thanks to my 3 year old.

sigh.

The doorbell rang. My cleaning lady had come for her check. She had to step over the mess.

fabulous.

Zoe was crying in her highchair and I got her settled with food, fed Aidan and managed to start getting the kitchen cleaned up....when I noticed that finally...Zoe was looking like she would fall asleep. I carried her upstairs and for the first time.....ever...she laid down in her crib without complaining, took her bottle and drifted off into sleep. I couldn't believe my luck. Usually, any semblance of naptime has to happen in the car where she falls asleep without realizing that she is...or else a lot of screaming and crying is involved.

I tiptoed downstairs and looked at the kitchen. Hmmmm....catch up on my blogs or....clean the kitchen. Hmmmmmm. I opted for the obvious....I uploaded pictures and started to take some time for me.

Here is where we stop and insert laughing hysterically smileys..... Lest you think that I was actually able to sit down on my sofa with my lovely new laptop and sip mid-day margaritas while I ate bon bons and played online, let me paint you a picture of what really happened.

I sat down and pulled my laptop up onto the sofa and noticed two figures sneaking down the stairs. My daughter had invited a friend over without asking me and they had changed into their swimming suits and were heading out the door. I decided to address it later out of desperation for a moment to myself before cleaning the kitchen....I turned my attention back to the photos in my camera and tried to get them uploaded. My new laptop has different software installed and so this isn't as straightfoward to me as it used to be.

My 12 year old sauntered over and kicked his feet up onto the last remaining vestages of folded clothing to complain about how bored he was.....my 8 year old got into the refrigerator and made himself yet another bowl of cereal...and then I heard a crash....My daughter and her friend had come back into the house and were sneaking in the kitchen and they knocked over and broke a glass on the floor. To say I was getting impatient at this point is an understatement. I just wanted to upload my pictures and catch up on my blogs...is it too much to ask? The phone rang and Andrew's friend's mom said she was on her way to pick Andrew up. I let him know and then asked Amanda to clean up her mess....at which point I heard hysterical shrieks from both girls (who tend to exaagerate about well.....everything). "Amanda is bleeding all over the floor".

damnit.

The doorbell rang. It was the mom to pick up Andrew who still had not put on his socks or shoes and was dilly-dallying about coming downstairs and leaving. I knew I should have voted for the "clean the kitchen" option instead of loading the pictures, but I was just so desperate for a few minutes for ME. I invited the mom in and the girls continued to carry on about Amanda's bloody foot.

I couldn't hide my irritation.

The mom and I walked into my bomb of a kitchen only to discover pools of blood all over. To say this mom was shocked would not be doing the description of her any justice...but I have to admit being pretty surprised too. The cut on Amanda's foot just wasn't that big or that deep.....I can't imagine why she bled so much.

While we waited for Andrew though, the mom and I cleaned the glass up off of my floor.

Crazy neighbor does NOT have to move back from TX. I have effectively replaced her.

It's been a long week! My dad came up for a surprise Father's Day weekend visit to watch Andrew march in the marching band and spend Father's day with us.




It was great to have him here, but it certainly added another kink to the already overloaded schedule of things to do when I had to get him back to the aiport Monday afternoon. After a loooong day of driving (a total of about 4 hours) I arrived back at the house. Within 2 hours, I was back on the road again...this time to the emergency room. Andrew was riding his bike and hit a pole with his left arm...then fell off of his bike and slammed is left arm onto the cement.

The verdict?

Broken.



So his last week of summer marching band will be punctuated by him marching without an instrument. He can't play video games or even play on the computer really right now. Since Monday, I think I have heard "I'm bored" about 500 times. I can't wait until he gets his permanent cast on Thursday so that he will hopefully be more comfortable. Hopefully, he can have a waterproof one.....

ugh.

We also had a professional home inspection of our kitchen repair job done. We have been very dissatisfied with it because it is obvious that there was damage. The repair was poorly done. Beyond the fact that it looks bad, the floor by the stove and fridge squeaks terribly when you walk over it.

Inspectors opinion? Floor must be repaired...it is a liability to our home.

So besides broken arms we are also dealing with the former contracters, our home insurance that initially paid for the repairs and our frazzled nerves.

The rollercoaster ride continues with my tween daughter....one day I am the "worst mother in the world" and I "ruin her life" and "ruin this family's happiness".

sigh.

The next day I'm golden....for at least part of the day anyway.

Since I have nothing but long expanses of time in front of me each day, I find myself going back through the years to figure out where I have failed...was it the post-partum depression, dh's residency and fellowship...is it because I spent too much time online when she was little because I was so lonely and frustrated? All of the above, I'm sure...but it does me no good to go back and relive it all and beat myself up for not being that paradigm of perfection that June Cleaver pioneered. It is what it is. Each day I vow to put a new foot forward and each day I am greeted with the sass and pouting that I am slowly learning is simply the norm for girls her age.

Alex has been attending KidStop two full days each week. It didn't take long this summer for him to wear me down into signing him up. He misses his friends from school and our schedules are just so crazy here at home that I really can't have one of his buddies over for an all day playdate. I'm just too busy.....and truthfully...I'm just too overwhelmed. I can handle the older children having friends over because they are big enough to self-regulate and for the most part I don't have to intervene, make snacks etc..... Alex has a fabulous time at KidStop. All of his friends are there and he rotates throgh activities every 45 minutes....there is soccer, basketball, stratego, bingo, checkers, and the coveted "drip, drip, splash" for him to do....when I come to pick him up at 5.30, he begs for another 15 minutes.

I'm really not sure of what to think about that. Here I am, a sahm, and my 8 year old is so much happier being at KidStop. I don't blame him though. There are so many scheduled outings and fun things to do...if I were a kid, I would want to go to KidStop! There are always friends to play with and there is such a wide variety of things to do. Alex is such an easy-going, friendly kid...the director of KidStop stopped me the other day to tell me how happy she was that he was joining the summer KidStop because he is so happy and friendly and he plays with so many different children.

It all leaves me wondering what on earth I was thinking way back when when I was embracing the "I am my kid's mom" movement. < Come on...you know what I'm talking about....that old black and white assertion that in order to be a "good" mom you have to eat, sleep and breathe your children...that taking care of yourself is tantamount to child abuse...that if you want to work or have a life outside of your home you shouldn't have had children.

sigh.

What's up with how extreme we are about everything? Is there really no middle ground?

I bought into that mentality for a long time, because I wanted to be the best mom that I could possibly be. I tried desperately to ignore my own needs that nagged me awake in the middle of the night...then I felt frightfully guilty for taking a class a semester or working part-part-time. How dare I have....wants or needs that didn't involve taking care of my little ones.

What's funny about that is that when I quit my two-morning-a-week teaching job a few years ago because it was becoming too much to handle both the job and family, the people that were most upset about it were my children...my oldest daughter (then 8) in particular. "So you aren't going to be a teacher anymore, mom? But I like you being a teacher."

My mom worked full-time for most of the time that I was growing up. I *survived* all kinds of childcare options and really...I had a great time. I never resented my mom for working or felt that she was abandoning or neglecting me. I was proud of her....I still am proud of all that she has accomplished.

When I look at myself though, I see someone who has really let herself go. I am 37 years old and I recently realized that in 13 years, I'll be 50. FIFTY. Now, I know that I'm ahead of myself, but I have to say that the 13 years since I got pregnant with Andrew have absolutely flown by. Some people my age are feeling that biological clock go tick-tock and are panicking that they need to to make a decision about having children. For me, the issue is career. tick tock. tick tock.

What does that have to do with my summer so far? Nothing. And Everything.

I guess I just have realized that my children would have grown up and been happy if I had been sending them to KidStop all along. Maybe they would even be happier because they wouldn't have had to be around my.....unhappiness or depression at feeling lonely and at times...well...resentful for what I gave up. Don't get me wrong...I love my children fiercely and wouldn't change a thing about having our big family if I had the chance to go back and do it over...I just might have....added a little more balance to my own life earlier....without feeling guilty...without rushing around to do things as quickly as possible in order to limit how long my children were away from me....I would have focused more on creating happiness for myself instead of working so hard (and failing) to be something that I am not.

I really have struggled to find happiness for years and I have often wondered what on earth is wrong with me that I can't simply settle down and embrace my life. I am truly blessed and I really love being a mom.

DH summed it up for me the other day beautifully though....."If I had to do what you do every day, I would run away....and never look back". I know what he means. My days are very lonely.....Andrew and Amanda are now off doing their own things most of the day..which, btw, is not how I intended our "family summer" to be. Alex is happy with KidStop or playing outside looking for turtles, toads and insects....and Aidan and Zoe are needy, needy, needy. There is no one to talk to.....and my big decisions are usually "can I throw in a load of laundry before I take the kids to x, y or z... Many days go by and the only conversation I have had is an argument with my tween daughter (and I'm sure that she has plenty more arguments saved up for later!).

I am torn. I want to be here for these times. I want to watch my children enjoy their summer. I love watching them swim, play and have fun!









I just also need to find a way to build some of that fun into my own life too. I wouldn't want to miss out on these memories for the world...but...is there a frame shop hiring?

[PrincessFiona]

I'm not sure why the summer has seemed so hectic. Maybe it is all of the kids different activities that have kept me busy...or the fact that I have 5 children and two of them are tweens and two of them are toddlers? In any case, when Thomas announced that he was going to be off from the 4th-8th of July, I pounced. "I need a vacation!". To him, of course, not working is a vacation....but since I live where I work and never get a break I was able to convince him that for his sake....ummm, I mean...for my sanity it was time for this family to head out to our annual mini-vacation spot!

In preparation for the big event, a few things needed to be finished here at home. From Alex's perspective, it was mandatory that we get the promised frog and toad hunt in BEFORE leaving...since...you know...they might not be there when we got back. So while Thomas took Amanda shopping for vacation shorts and t-shirts (very high on her "to-do" list before leaving), I took the boys out into a swampy area to look for tadpoles and toads.



Zoe enjoyed the outing from her buggy.


Ultimately, we were able to satisfy Alex with 22 little toads and frogs. Most of them were the size of my pinky fingernail...and they were absolutely adorable.

We took them all to my vegetable garden, made sure that they had a bowl of water, and then let them go there! (The sad footnote is that they started hopping into the pond and...since we feed the fish daily, the carp were...eagerly waiting...I may have to rethink the feed the fish thing. )


Of course, all of that frogging did come at a price....the boys feet were covered in mud! We rushed home to get pants and shoes into the washer before Thomas got home...


The next day was really a cleaning marathon for me. I wanted to come back from vacation to a clean house and really feel like I could relax while we were away. Unfortunately, the kids had other plans...like sneaking snacks from the cupboards all day, dragging dirt on my freshly cleaned floors, dumping laundry onto the floor after I had just folded it. Basically....more of the same thing that happens every day...but I was particularly annoyed because I just wanted to have everything feel....pulled together in the house.

I had even scrubbed the kitchen floor and really taken the time to make it look good. Someone snuck Zoe a PopTart and....she got it all over my clean floor...and she even pulled up the cover to the kitchen vent and stuck PopTart down the vent.



I had worked so hard cleaning and packing and at the end of the day, you just couldn't see it. Thomas had to work until 10pm because he had been so busy during the day and he came home exhausted and grouchy.

I was in tears by the time the kids were all finally settled in their beds...so I finished up the packing and made sure to get up early before everyone else and clean up one last time before we left. We did get to come home to a clean house...it just didn't stay that way for very long!

We finally headed out the door around noon on July 4th! I'd like to say that I wasn't a crabby witch for the first 1/2 of the trip, but...that would be a complete lie!

We made it to our Cabin by early afternoon

.

After we unpacked, we headed into the campground. The kids all played on the playground to unwind.





Then we got to watch a BMX show that I thought was really neat!




Later on, we lit up some fireworks that we had brought with us. It was a good thing because they had actually had the official fireworks on July 3rd...so there wasn't the 4th of July Celebration that we had anticipated.



Aidan was a little bit afraid because of all of the change. He cried himself to sleep the first night begging me to take him back to his "real house".

By the end of the trip, he was calling our cabin our "jellystone house" and our home here our "real house". When we finally checked out, he cried in the van that he didn't want to go back to our real house...he wanted to stay at our jellystone house.

The next two days were spent swimming, swimming and swimming!














We ended each night in the open air movie theater and then went home to watch an episode or two of *Home Improvement* on my laptop! We also spent one evening playing mini-golf!

sigh....let's just call this my *before* picture and hope that I can get back on track with my dieting now....


Basically, we crammed a week's worth of vacation into two full days!

Yes, there was the bickering that goes along with taking 5 children on vacation....I at least comforted myself when I looked around me that we weren't alone feeling a little overwhelmed. And sure, the kids fought openly in front of....well, everyone at the park...but I partly blame Thomas (of course). He played *shark* with them in the deep pool.


Of course, the end result was that Andrew, Amanda and Alex then spent the entire afternoon screaming and trying to drown each other while I pretended not to know them.
They then would all come to the side of the pool and scream for me "Mom, she's drowning me"


I am sure that the other moms were appalled that I wasn't jumping in and getting between them. One mom looked so startled and frightened, that I finally had to say "they are just playing. She isn't really drowning him. See...everytime she leaves him alone, he swims after her. If I intervene, I'll be standing at the pool all day. Really, please don't be alarmed." Things sure are different once you have 5 children! I'm sure if I only had 2 that I would have been dragging them from the pool....but....at some point I just decided that they were having fun, no one was being hurt and...well...I just had to turn a blind eye.

They had a great time at the expense of my mommy reputation, I suppose!

It was just too short!

By the second day, I was able to fill up a small notebook writing on a project that I haven't touched in ages. I felt...inspired and relaxed. Since coming home, I feel irritable and just can't seem to find my groove. While working on this blog entry, I have made a bottle, remade the bottle adding some chocolate powder in the hopes that this would be the magic bottle that would put Zoe to sleep...no such luck. I listened to her whine and cry while she tried to settle heself on the pillows next to me...and finally, she just cried herself to sleep while I nearly cried sitting here next to her. I have never had a crier before and her tears push me to the edge of both anger and sadness at the same time. I have had to walk away, I have cried with her before....it is so difficult.

My house has returned to its pre-vacation status of having that....lived in look...

I am realizing that I absolutely need more vacation time. I need to find a way to refill my reserves...I have just been running on empty lately.

[PrincessFiona]

I have promised Andrew for 3 years now that we would visit the source of the Mississippi River. We have just never seemed to get there though for a variety of reasons...all of them excuses. Thomas worked this weekend and so instead of sitting around the house feeling sorry for myself (a special talent that I have when he works all week and then the weekend as well and I am feeling overwhelmed ), I announced to the kids that we were GOING. To show my commitment, I booked a nearby hotel room for us to stay and started packing. This was a pretty big deal, because I have never taken the kids on a trip overnight on my own before. We were all excited....though I confess that the logistics of actually being the sole caretaker of 5 children on a journey across the state didn't hit me until....well.....they were throwing shoes at each other in the van (WHY didn't I let them bring their Gameboys again?) .

It was such a relief to get to our hotel. We ordered pizza and had it delivered to the room. Then we changed into our swimsuits and headed down to the pool. The first thing that I noticed is that there was no kiddie pool. This, of course, meant that I had to get into the water myself with Aidan. Forget the fact that I dread shopping for swimsuits or...that my swimsuit this summer is....well....in an embarassingly large size....The only thing worse thing than shopping for the swimsuit is actually having to WEAR it in front of people....especially skinny people...which were the only kind in the pool area.
To top it off, my kids were antsy from having been in the van for so long and they were excitedly playing "shark", laughing and hollering at each other. The other children in the pool area were being quiet and polite. I started feeling really awkward about the fact that people *might* be judging us.

I was relieved when it was finally time to pack it up and head back to the room to get ready for bed....

The next morning we all got up bright and early (for our standards anyway! ) and we checked out of the hotel by 9am! That is a record for this family! Within 45 minutes, we were at Lake Itasca State Park preparing to finally go in and explore the source of the Mississippi River!



We checked out the Visitor's Center First...which was a good thing, because I realized that I hadn't charged the battery on my camera and it was completely empty. I was able to plug in the camera while we explored the center and then pop it back into the camera before heading out into the wilderness. I know that I would have been really upset to have come all that way and leave without pictures!

The Mississippi River starts at the headwaters of Lake Itasca



I was a little crabby and uptight at first about letting the kids climb the rocks and wade in the water...but once the other parents started letting their kids in I relaxed. It's tough going on an outing with five children....it took me time to find my groove.


Alex was busy searching for frogs and turtles. Amazingly, he found one within minutes of arriving!

Our Headwaters Frog (released back into the Mississippi before we left, of course):


Aidan was the great climber. He was fascinated by the rocks that mark the end of Lake Itasca and the beginning of the Mississippi!



He was too little to go it alone...so Andrew stepped up to the plate to help him across.



Actually, the rocks were a huge hit. This is one of my favorite pictures of Andrew and Amanda!



Zoe loved the water.....and...all of the rocks. She tried to eat every stone she found:


Amanda did a great job of holding onto her so that I could keep an eye on the others too.



By far though, this is the image that I connect with our trip to Lake Itasca:

I am....so blessed....so very honored to have been given these 5 beautiful children to love and to take care of.

By the end of our time in the State Park, I was feeling more relaxed than I have felt in.....weeks. It was still early in the day and so we all decided to....

drive to Canada!



I admit that it as a bit impetuous...but...hey...you've gotta live...

We were about 2 hours from the border to St. Frances, Ontario and I decided that we probably wouldn't get another chance soon to cross the border and finally see how they live up north. It almost seemed silly NOT to go.

Thomas just laughed when I called him and told him we were on our way to Canada.

"No Way."

"Yes Way."

He knows me though and pretty much immediately reconciled with the fact that we wouldn't be getting home until late!

We weren't disappointed. I had to pay $6 to get across the border, but despite having only my driver's license to identify myself and no identification for the kids, we were allowed to cross the border.





Our walk along the Rainy River provided an interesting look at some of what we perceive to be the basic differences between the Canadian and American ways of life. In Canada, there was a beautiful walkway along the river so that everyone could walk or ride bikes. It was a Sunday afternoon and there were many families out enjoying the breeze.

On the American side, the homes were all built right on the river so that individual families could enjoy their own private view of Canada.


I'm not suggesting that we, in America shouldn't have our own free markets or private property...but it would be nice to see us with a more social (note that I didn't say socialized) system. Chasing individual happiness at the cost of society as a whole has hurt this country. It would be nice if we could adopt a more community conscious way of living.

Other highlights included watching a boat pull up to a gas pump right on the water's edge.

The driver filled up his boat, went into the boat depot/ice cream shop on the docks and paid...and then he kept on driving.



We probably have something like this here in the US too...but I have never seen anything like it.

The last difference that we spotted were the garbage cans along the river:



I thought they were mailboxes until I finally read one:
"Don't feed the bears. Stash your trash".

The kids loved that!

After our walk, we took a drive through the center of town


Now that you have seen my pictures, I assure you that you have had the ENTIRE Port Frances, Canada experience! If you take the several hour journey yourself, your pictures will probably.....look exactly the same! Obviously, this isn't all of Canada....it would have been nice to see a bit more of the country, but there wasn't time to do much more than visit the border town. I assure you that International Falls (in MN) wasn't much better though!

Our final run through Port Frances did remind us that we weren't far from home though:


and....in case you are wondering.....................



Yes...they do have Wal-Mart.....and Yes, we traveled all the way to Canada and went shopping at Wal-Mart! How can you not?<hangs head in shame>

We crossed the border back into the US (where a bewildered agent was a little taken aback that I didn't have identification for my kids!) and then Aidan finally had his way. We ate at the McDonalds with the play area back in the US. To Aidan, though, Canada is McDonalds (even though we didn't eat at the one in Canada). Yesterday, when we were driving through town here, he saw our local McDonalds and screamed "Mommy, please can we go to Canada". (I decided that we would go in and play and from the backseat I heard him saying "thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you".)

During this trip, the destination did seem to be a bit more valuable than the journey at times! There are certain parts of the *journey* that I'd like to forget....my own impatience sometimes and the kids screaming and fighting "he kicked me in the balls, she called me twerperitis, she's making faces at me" (at least Zoe never got bored). Ultimately though, when I look back now, even the frustration, arguments, potty breaks and stops for coffee refills were all memorable parts of the destination.

[PrincessFiona]

July 24, 2007

It's been a crazy week! It seems like everytime I get online I am interrupted by fighting kids, a barking dog or the general chaos which seems to define our lives lately!

Friday night, we all attended the Harry Potter Party at our local Barnes and Nobles. Andrew registered for his copy of the book at least a month ago and has been anticipating the arrival of this book all summer. I took all 5 children to take part in the first hour of the party and Thomas was coming an hour later. I was going to leave at 10 with the little ones and Thomas was going to stay with Andrew and Amanda.

As luck would have it, we weren't the only ones eagerly waiting for the final book! We arrived at 9:15 and there was no parking available near the bookstore. We had to park in another shopping area and walk to the store....where we then stood in line for a half an hour just to get in! We were all really surprised by the turnout! By the time that we were allowed into the store, the line outside snaked across the street and into a neighboring shopping center! I didn't have my cell phone and couldn't call Thomas to have him come and pick up the littles ones and I had no idea if he was outside waiting or had seen the lines and had simply turned around and gone home. Zoe was sound asleep in her buggy, but by 10.30pm Aidan was totally wild. I ran into someone that I knew and she let me use her cell phone. It turns out that Thomas was standing in line outside waiting to get in but the store was at capacity. The store manager opened the doors so that we could speak to each other but it became clear that in order to simplify things I needed to stay put. He took Aidan and Alex home...but Zoe stayed with me because he didn't have a car seat for her and didn't know where I had parked to take the van. It wasn't a problem because we found a quiet corner of the store and settled in for the rest of the wait.

At midnight we were forced out though. We ended up behind some happy, noisy fans and Zoe woke up crying. So at 1am, I was standing outside of the Barnes and Noble with my 12 and 11 year olds and was carrying my 1 year old.

The end result though?


Andrew was so excited that he couldn't contain his joy when they handed the book over to him. He ran from the bookstore waving his copy of the book in the air. Once in the van, he began reading....and he didn't stop until he fell asleep at around 4 in the morning. He woke up and read for the rest of the day...until he finished the book. He admitted to me that he had cried...not for the characters who had died, but because the series had come to an end. "It is over..."

Sunday, we got the kids off to German Camp. It was a last minute decision to send them, but I'm glad that we decided to do it. Camp check-in was from 1-3pm and we arrived at about 1:10. Since we among the first to get there, all of our kids were able to pick out the beds that they wanted this year.


Amanda got in a room with some girls that she knew from last year. She has called me every night to say "goodnight" and is having a great time meeting new friends. This year has been much better for her there than last year. She is also just mellowing out a lot. I have really noticed a change in her over the last month. She is keeping her room clean, has taken on a lot of responsibility helping with Aidan and Zoe and is just a lot easier to talk to.

Alex began clowning around the minute we got in the door. I couldn't get a serious picture out of him. I also could barely get him to come and and say good-bye to us. He was so excited to be back. This year, he is separated from Andrew and is in a room with other 8 year old boys. I was relieved...because I think that Alex needs the chance to make friends his own age and Andrew needs the opportunity to branch out.

Andrew was mortified that I took this picture. As he was unpacking (and I was helping), one of his roomates came in the room. Apparently, my presence "humiliated him" (his words, not mine) and he almost refused to say good-bye to me because he was so angry. sigh. The ups and downs of parenting tweens!

We all met in the main meeting room for a final good-bye and then they ran off. By 1.30, Thomas and I had headed back out to the car and were on our own....celebrating our *freedom*.

Within hours, Zoe was vomiting and both Aidan and Zoe developed gunky noses and fevers!

I think the joke was on us!

Aidan has rallied and is busy working on his new hobby, skateboarding, but Zoe is still under the weather. Thomas has had to sleep in his office for the last two nights because she just wakes up crying throughout the night.

Aidan got a skateboard the day that the others left. He has surprised us all with his progress in the last two days:


Mommy, watch my tricks.





I wish I could put some cohesive thoughts into my blog .... lately, I feel like my brain has just fallen completely out of my head! I ran into a former student a few nights ago when was on my own at Barnes and Nobles. She was studying chemistry when I was teaching the bio labs and worked as one of my TA's. She has since gone on to work in several professional jobs and we talked about how she was juggling her marriage, children and career.....I felt like I couldn't even string a sentence together...

It's really no wonder. It has taken me nearly 2 hours to type this blog entry. I have stopped several times to clean up diet coke that Aidan spilled on the carpet, take care of a crying Zoe who fell asleep and then woke up to....spill my next diet coke on the carpet (sigh!) and right now.....I am staring at fruit loops straws that Aidan and Zoe have crumbled onto the carpet. I know it's time for me to get off of the computer and refocus 100% on them.

I'm just soooo desperate for a tiny window of time each day where I can focus 100% on myself. By the time the day is over, I'm too tired to sit and read or write. I miss being able to catch up on my emails, read a book or even spend time writing.

[PrincessFiona]

July 26, 2007

Zoe and Aidan rallied today and are finally feeling better....much to my relief! Despite them being under the weather this week, I've managed to get a lot done. I am halfway finished with my retaining wall, I have nearly finished painting the boy's bedroom and...I got the garage and my van cleaned up! To top it off, I also managed to get 30 bags of mulch into the garden and have planted several bushes and plants. I've been scouring local shops for good deals on Perennials and bushes and have really gone crazy buying them and getting them planted. I love a good deal...right now the plants are 60% off!

Amanda has called every night to say "I love you", but I hadn't heard from either of the boys until tonight. Andrew finally called to tell us what a great time he is having. It was such a relief to hear from him, but I feel so sad that the boys haven't really kept in touch. Is this what it will be like when they leave the house someday? After all of the conflict with Amanda, she and I can still talk about anything and the idea of going a day without talking to her is just not palatable...but the boys....they seem to be able to adjust and move on. This might just put a damper on my plans to have them live here while they go to college...and then have them move into the neighborhood with their spouses. Someday, I have the feeling that their wives will be saying to them "when did you talk to your mom last" like I do with Thomas. Well, either that or they'll be saying "Your mom is psycho. She calls here three times a day. It's either her or me!" :> Oh...and you know that they had better choose ME!

Thomas and I have used the time together to both reconnect and have alone time.

We went out on a date night last night and saw "Sicko" which...is a great movie. I think it really highlights a lot of the real problems going on in America right now. It's amazing that as a country we can get side-tracked by issues like "should we keep the word 'God' in the Pledge of Allegiance" when every day we have people without insurance benefits who are being denied services in order to boost the stock portfolios of a handful of CEO's and investors. America has become a very selfish nation. We're not the home of the free and the brave....we're the home of "as long as I'm ok, who cares about you?". It's amazing to me that we can invest hundreds of billions of dollars to go to war with a country that didn't attack us under the guise of "freeing" their people, but we aren't willing to invest even a percentage of that money to improve the lives of hardworking americans. I loved that the focus of the movie was on those with health insurance.

I am lucky and I know it. Because I'm a dawkter's wife, I have had access to immediate appointments, CT scans MRI's and PET scans. I had doctors offer to come to my home in the middle of the night when I was starting chemo and was having some concerning side-effects. My doctors have come to my home and brought meals or gift baskets, have called me to see if I was ok....I am very fortunate. I know that this is not the experience of most people. My chemo buddy lost his healthcare insurance while he was in the hospital in the middle of a bone marrow transplant because he had "missed too many days of work". One of our neighbors was forced to change jobs and relocate because the healthcare insurance provided by his employer wouldn't cover his son's treatments for Leukemia. Healthcare can not be for-profit. It is not like selling a television or a car. Health is not a luxury. It is a requirement for people who want to work and contribute to society. What have we become?

When I lived in Germany and Thomas was a resident, I worked the drive-thru at McDonalds. It wasn't glamorous, but it was the only job that my American bachelors' degree would buy me. I made over $10/hour back then (13 1/2 years ago) and I paid my govt. sponsored health insurance premiums every two weeks from my check. My healthcare wasn't free. I contributed with every paycheck....as did my employer. We paid a little more in taxes, but....I didn't have to pay for any medications, there were no co-pays, and my children could have gone to college for essentially no money. Ultimately, if I consider what I got for my tax dollars...it was a lot more than I get now!

Af far as alone time is concerned....every night when Thomas gets home I have been able to go out into the garden to enjoy planting and working or have had the chance to catch up on my emails or blogs while he watches Simon and Simon or Miami Vice on DVD. We have both had the chance to just relax and enjoy ourselves alone...and together. It's been nice.

I have been contemplating a job that had become available at our local university. Basically, it is the job that I was doing before I got sick...but now it is Full-time and with benefits. Thomas only worked a 1/2 day today and when he got home, I went to Barnes and Nobles to re-work my CV and write a "Philosophy of Teaching" statement. I spent 4 hours working on all of this only to arrive at the conclusion that I just don't know what I want. The position is full-time/12 months. Am I really willing to send my children to KidStop or put them in the hands of a sitter for that amount of time? I want a challenge...I want to creat a life for myself that extends beyond the boundaries of my home....but am I willing to commit to something that time consuming right now? I don't know. The job would be a lot of responsibility and it would be a serious time commitment. On the one hand, that is really exciting to me...but my children...is this the right time? We live in an area where opportunities are few and far between. Thomas told me that if I don't apply for this that I can't complain anymore about not having a career...I will have thrown away my opportunity...but he doesn't know what he is committing to if I do get the job....the daycare drop offs, the prep time....things would change drastically.

I dont' know how much of my hesitation is realistic and how much of it is fear on my part that I'm not good enough. As I wrote my "Philosophy of Teaching" essay, I felt overwhelmed by the fact that I haven't taught for 2 years...that I have some weaknesses in chemistry, and that in general I feel I really would have to do a lot of working and reading to get myself where I feel that I need to be in order to teach again. Even when I was teaching a couple of years ago I felt inadequate because I realized that the more I learned...the less I knew....if that makes sense. Teaching was really the first time that all of those facts and details that I had memorized began to make sense in my mind.

I'm not sure what I should do. Applying for the position isn't a guarantee that I would get the job...which I'm a bit annoyed with considering I created the position when I was at the University. At the end of my time there, I had some conflict with the professor that I was working with...we just had some different ideas. I still have a lot of respect for him and I think that we could work together again...but I don't know.....

Ahhh....these are the kinds of problems that are good to have. I am healthy. My children are healthy. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

[PrincessFiona]

July 28th, 2007


This morning, I got up early, made myself a pot of coffee and sat down at the computer to do some writing. Thomas had the day off and the kids finished German Camp at 6pm, so I wanted to take a few minutes to myself. At 8.30am, the doorbell rang. I was in my PJ's, so I snuck into the laundry room, threw on some sweatpants and a t-shirt and opened the door.

It was the floor guys. We were told that they would start doing the floors on Monday. Apparently, they decided to rip out all of our floors today though and forgot to tell us. They basically told me that they would be back in 30 minutes and that I need to clear out the kitchen/dining area, living room and Thomas' office. I woke up Thomas and we got to work moving furniture and clearing out rooms as fast as we could. Well, I say we, but...I moved the piano myself, both big book cases and got both sofas to the garage all on my own....while....he cleared out the mountain of books from his bookshelves and pulled the papers out of his desk drawers. To be fair though, he did help get the kitchen table out onto the deck.

It was really an exhausting experience.

The floor people returned 30 minutes later and started tearing out flooring. It was a huge struggle to keep Aidan and Zoe out of their way. We tried going upstairs with them, but Aidan was so curious about all of the work going on that he kept sneaking down the stairs. After calling the pet spa to get the dog baorded early, we decided to leave with the kids and go out to lunch.

Instead of enjoying ourselves though, the conversation went something like this:

Thomas: "Why don't you ever finish what you start? You were going to do so many things this week. What did you actually accomplish?"

Me: Are you kidding me? I put in all of the bushes, spread out 30 bags of mulch, cleaned up the back garden, replanted in the front garden.... I completely cleaned out both the van and the garage...and I almost finished repainting the boys' room.

Thomas: Yah, "almost"...Almost isn't finished. Why do you start so many different projects that you don't finish? Living with you is terrible!

Me: What did YOU accomplish this week? Are you seriously freaking out like this because I didn't get the laundry folded? I worked my ass off taking care of the kids and doing the landscaping. I was able to work outside with the kids because they got to play too...I couldn't paint with them in the room. It was hard to get things finished in the house with them because I didn't have Andrew, Amanda or Alex to help out. What did YOU do though? Please...share your list....

Thomas: I WORKED.

Me: I WORKED TOO.

Thomas: No you didn't. You love doing landscaping. It's fun to you. That is not work. My work brings in money.

Me: Are you KIDDING ME? Are you trying to tell me that carrying 30 pound bags of sand, 30 bags of mulch, spreading them, digging holes for trees and bushes isn't work? I have added monetary value to this house. They call it sweat equity. You enjoy treating patients and solving complex problems...does this mean that you didn't work all week either?

Thomas: Shut Up.

Translation: I won. Ahhhh, we do so well under stress!

But it brings me to my second topic:

The lack of appreciation that I am shown for what I do. I feel like I give endlessly but that no one really gives back...if that makes sense. This has definitely contributed to my unhappiness as a sahm. During the school year, I get up earlier than DH to get the kids out the door to school and I spent all day taking care of Aidan and Zoe and I feel like I rarely get a break. In the summer, the kids are there all of the time. I love being here for them, but at the same time, I am so busy running them to activities, picking up their friends or dropping them off places that I don't even have time to get online and catch up on emails or private messages. I haven't been able to work on MDFamily or do much writing. I feel like I've been tipped off center.

I so desperately crave some professional satisfaction for myself. It isn't because I don't love my children. I adore them. I love being a mom. But...I don't believe that being a mom means that I have to give up who I am. I used to believe that...but I don't anymore.

I decided to pursue the University job that I discovered had been posted. I called the professor that I started with years ago. He is now the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences. Today he called me back and said "Kris, this is the position that you and I created together". He then went on to say that he was unsure of whether or not he could serve as a reference for me because he makes the ultimate decision about who gets hired....but...he said that he was going go look into being allowed to do it anyway and call me back. The professor that I worked for contacted me and said I could use him as a reference too.

It is a real possibility that if I apply for this position that I could.....get it.....which.....is both exciting and scarey at the same time.

The problem? I don't know if I can leave Aidan and Zoe. I think Aidan would have a blast, actually. He is already going to go to 5 day a week preschool in the Fall and extending the day wouldn't be terribly traumatic for him. He is really ready, I think. But Zoe? She is just....a baby....At 16 months, she is the little princess that follows me through the house all day long....the idea of not being there for her all of the time breaks my heart....and yet....I'm also unhappy more often than I'm willing to admit because I'm so lonely and...I get no time at all for me.

I am so conflicted.

Though the position is listed as full-time, I feel fairly confident that it wouldn't be a 40 hour/week full-time.......

Thomas has told me that if I don't apply, I can never complain again about having a career. He insists that since his mornings are more flexible that he'll drop off Andrew and Aidan. My friends, who I thought would support my "maybe I shouldn't apply..this really isn't the right time" have said "Of course you are going to apply".



In the midst of all of these thoughts swirling around in my head, and in the aftermath of our morning of stress, we picked up the kids from German camp. After the activities, we got into the van to head home....and they fought, screamed and yelled at each other the whole way home. Amanda scratched Alex, Alex cried hysterically, Andrew and Amanda picked on each other......to me, it was like being thrown into a bucket of ice water after spending a week in a lovely sauna.

Trust me when I say that I didn't win the mom of the year award today.

I'm sure tomorrow will be better though. I think I just need a good night's sleep.

[PrincessFiona]

This year, Dallas TX has seen an additional 10 inches of rainfall beyond what is normally expected. We have seen a rainfall of -5 inches below what we expect here in the upper midwest. So, though my dad's vacation trailor floated away on Lake Grapevine a few weeks ago, we are in the midle of a drought that has reduced the state's corn crop to only 40%!

When I was dropping off Andrew's final paperwork for school this morning, I drove by a farm and was jolted into reality about just how hot and dry this summer has been!



It is shocking, really.....There are acres and acres of ruined crops!

It has also occurred to me this summer how many of us moms are also suffering our own emotional droughts...Summer is a tough time for moms...especially sahm's who go from the rhythm of the school year to a new routine that involves a lot of driving...and a lot of unfocused, unplanned time. It can be really tough. In the last few weeks I have heard from a lot of other moms who are feeling the strain: "This is so hard", "I'm definitely not winning mom-of-the-year THIS year" (Don't feel bad, I've never won it either!), "I am a terrible mom", "I am so exhausted" . Truth be told...I think we're all in the running for mom-of-the year. Each and every one of us are doing the best that we can to provide a good home life...and a fun summer...for our children. There are ups and downs....but too often we make the mistake of comparing our "down" days to everyone else's "up" days.

So to make all of those moms out there feel better, I thought I'd post a picture from my own "Mom-of-the-year" files. This afternoon, Zoe got into the back-to-school stuff while I was *gasp* sipping a martini with my feet up. No, really...I was just uploading some pictures after I had cleaned the kitchen, taken Zoe to physical therapy, greeted the floor people, gotten everyone dressed and out the door to activities, taken Andrew's papers to the school, taken Aidan, Alex and Zoe to the McDonald's play area (because it is nearly 100F with the heat index outside!), picked up Andrew and Amanda from their activity and then dropped Amanda off at voice lessons, spent 1/2 hour on the playground with Andrew, Alex, Aidan and Zoe and then *phew*...headed home. I decided that I *deserved* to get onto the computer. Foolish, I know....but...here is the end result:



It's also all over her hands and legs....and no...it's not washable ink!

So...I'm offering this picture up to any other moms to compare themselves to when they are back into their grooves and are having a good day. See, you really are Mom-of-the year!

As we coast back into August and start the back-to-school countdown, I realize that I need to start bringing a little bit more *rain* into my own life. I want to really enjoy the rest of the summer and make the time that we have left to just *hang out* as memorable as possible. I've been thinking really hard about what balances me out in my life....I love writing, music, singing and gardening....and this is really the perfect time to finish working on gardens. I've decided to dedicate an hour of each day just for me... This weekend, Thomas and I traded off our time as parents. Saturday, I literally laid in bed from 1.30pm until bedtime watching a Flip This House marathon. I was even served spaghetti in bed. Woohooooo! Sunday was Thomas' day...and though he didn't get as much freedom as he graciously gave me...he did get to sit downstairs in the media room and watch german movies for nearly the entire day and evening. It was a really fabulous weekend and I feel rejuvenated!

So I leave you with.....pictures from my garden.....

My private perennial garden behind the fence and in front of the water....raspberries are planted against the fence....


My one and only canteloupe!!!!!


The infamous retaining wall that I finished (mostly...ahem!) while the kids were at german camp. It's a tad...ummmmm....crooked...but...well....I didn't actually realize it until I took this picture.....sssssshhhhhhh....don't tell Thomas! That's the *vinyard* (hahaha) in the background.

Before:


After:


By popular request....the grapes....

Before:


Now:


And finally....a grasshopper resting on the tippity top of one of my green beans stakes....

[PrincessFiona]

I can't believe last week is over and a new week is about to start.

Highlights from last week?

I met a mom at Menards. Our little ones were playing in the play area that they have set up there and we got to talking about how hard it was to meet people here in Central MN. It turns out, she has lived here 12 years and she still struggles. Her words to me "if your grandmother wasn't born here, you almost have no chance." It was very validating! Ultimately, she ended up inviting me over to her house for a Tuesday playdate. Being the desperate mom of 5 that I am, I eagerly accepted and showed up at a stranger's house with a group of moms that I've never met!

There were several moms and at least 15 other children at her house. It was a lot of fun until Andrew was helping Aidan down a blow-up water slide and slipped and "threw him down the slide face first". Those are her words. Andrew was really shocked by it and then was more upset because I got angry with him. When it was time to go, he laid down on the hostesses hammock to dry off. Immediately, the other kids doggy-piled him and...of course the hammock broke. I was mortified...the hostess looked shocked. All of us kind of stood there and gaped for a minute. I'm sure it all felt worse to me than it really was. Now that a few days have past, I am feeling much better about it. Also, the mom called me the next day and so I realized that she wasn't really as upset about it as I had imagined.

I did meet some interesting people there though. I sat next to a therapist for most of the afternoon. It's a good thing that I didn't know that before starting my conversation with her or I probably would have been a paranoid mess....not...that I have any issues or anything. :>

All-in-all, I would say that it was a highlight of the week.

What really counted though, is that the floor FINALLY was finished on Wednesday!

Floor Brag:



And the cabinets were put back in on Friday.

The ecstasy was short-lived though after we discovered that the floor people had damaged a kitchen cabinet and it can't easily be repaired.



The cabinet guy came to reinstall our center island and tried a little cover up fix, but he basically said that in order to repair it we will have to remove the entire granite slab and cabinet.



Thomas' comment: "Why. Why can't anything ever just be simple for us?"

sigh

I don't know why he said this...do I get to blame him for calling upon Murphy and his laws?

I was walking on the floor by the refrigerator last night and noticed...it is bowing out again. No. I'm not kidding. I thought that maybe I was imagining it. Thomas walked on it and got a startled look on his face. "I can't handle this anymore...I can't. You deal with it."

Ummm. WHAT?

So all day today we have walked over it to see if it really is happening...and we've even placed a level board on it that showed....that it is bowing out again.




I'm just beside myself. Thomas has retreated into a shell of denial "I think it's fine".

Fine. hmmmm.

It does feel like everything is just so complicated lately. We have hit the wall this summer and everyone in the house is grouchy, grouchy, grouchy. Thomas has been retreating to the downstairs media room to watch re-runs of Miami-Vice on DVD, I've been hiding upstairs watching HGTV and the house has been kind of crumbling around us. Last night, we finally admitted to each other that we are just totally overwhelmed. It feels like the delicate balancing act that we had going on before I was diagnosed and before Zoe was born was completely disrupted and our lives are now like a freight train flying out ahead of us while we just stand and shake our heads in dispair. For awhile, I really tried repeatedly to get a grip on things...but it was too difficult because my energy level was just not where it needed to be. I've also spent the last year sorting through my own feelings about my life...mistakes that I made, roads that I never traveled....This selfish focusing on myself really is a necessity. I am trying very hard to make peace with myself, my life, and my choices. Ultimately, I think that this will make me a better mother and wife.

I have to admit that I haven't done everything that I need to do to take care of myself recently.....I have gone on and off Lexapro more times than I'm willing to admit even though it helps me tremendously. I just don't want to be taking something...but...I recently came to realize that I'm just a more even-keel, happier, more patient person when I'm on it. I am not eating well, exercising regularly or getting enough sleep. More and more I've fallen out of a routine and have been lulled into procrastination in all areas by the seemingly endless hours of summer.

Time to get a grip.

I have decided that the first thing I will do is institute a whisper rule in our house. The voices around here have gotten way too loud and angry. Everyone tries to out-talk or out-yell the other person. So...from now on, at the end of each day, the person who has managed to speak in the quietest, calmest voice each day will win a prize.

I hope that as we begin to speak in lower, quieter voices that we will also feel calmer.

Andrew starts school in less than a month. I want to get back to savoring this summer. The first month or so was great...and we can have that back again.

[PrincessFiona]

I've decided not to apply for the job.

There. I have said it out loud.

Since this job was posted, I've drooled over it, daydreamed about it and even had dreams where I was back in the classroom and lab. It felt right....and....it felt wrong. I know that doesn't make sense, but even though this is a position that I helped create several years ago (and I worked hard)...I know what saying yes would mean for me...and for my family.

I would spend countless hours planning lectures, grading papers and thinking about students. I would use my free time <ahem> to work on lab manuals, try out new labs and generally speaking obsess about how much there is to know that I don't...so I would end up putting together a study plan for myself and I would likely sit in on lectures in the chemistry department.....again.

I know this because I am compulsive...and even though my house is a complete disaster area I can't explain why I'm so detail oriented at work...but I am.

This was part of my problem last time and I was only working part-time hours on-campus (though granted, I was trying to do a full-time job in those hours)..I was spending most of my hours away from work thinking about my students or the TAs or the labs. I did sit in on chem classes and....I did come in on weekends when I could have been home with the family to run labs, gather results, tweak solutions and try again. I'd make a great surgeon! :>

It was fun....more fun than loading the dishwasher...more fun that vacuuming the house...more fun that listening to the kids fight....but...I also remember the incredible feeling of relief that I had when I told the professor in charge of the main class that I would not be returning in the Fall a few years ago. Thomas was surprised...but I was literally elated after I told the professor and then got into my car.

Why relief?

No more running out the door before the kids were all on the bus or at preschool. Thomas stepped up to the plate and did fine...but it was stressful. No more daycare for Aidan, who at the time that I left was younger than Zoe. NO more grading papers, whining students who cared more about the grade than the learning...and no more department politics.

I do miss the job. If my life were different, I think it would be a great fit for me....but...my life isn't different.

This is the first time that I have made a significant decision about my career that has really been my choice. Thomas was 100% behind me. He was willing to do all morning drop-offs so that I could be at work in the morning and he was willing to get a nanny. This time...my choice is not dictated by his medical training, or his career needs....it is me.

This really has not been an easy decision for me either. I enjoyed the social contacts that I made in the department, loved learning how to teach (once I got past being terrified and staying up all night before my lectures to practice again and again and again). I feel really sad. I recognize that this job will be filled and likely will not become available again anytime soon.....but I am still closing this door with the hope that a window will open up somewhere. I am going to have to do something this Fall so that I can take some time for myself...but maybe I will just take a single class or hire a sitter twice a week to go write at Barnes and Nobles for a few hours.

Right now, I don't know how much Andrew and Amanda really *need* me...but...I need them. Yes, they could go to kidstop or I could hire a nanny...but after everything we've been through over the last few years, I have a need to be a part of their lives...even though I'm imperfect as a mom and despite the fact that some days I'm impatient and irritable. I want to be there not because I think that it is the best thing for them. Selfishly....it is the best thing for me. Wow.

Alex .... he has been begging me for some *special time* lately....and we've been so busy...and I've been so distracted....that even after he had asked me to spend some time with him I ended up talking him into going to KidStop so that I could take Andrew and Amanda across town to an activity with their friends and Aidan to the park. When I dropped him off, I didn't even realize how he felt...and then he just looked at me and said "you can just pick me up anytime, mom...I'll stay late. Just have a good day.". I am not meeting his needs right now. I took the older kids to their activities and had time to take Aidan and Zoe to the park while we waited before having to pick them up. I realized that I had taken Alex there because it was convenient for me...and he...he had realized it and he even tried to protect my feelings.

Zoe and Aidan ... they need me. Lately, I've been way too grouchy. Zoe didn't even want to come to me tonight after Thomas got home because I had been so irritable with her all day. I was too busy trying to do things that I wanted to do instead of paying attention to her...and she had sat on the floor next to me and cried. When we were all talking about the possibility of me going back to work in the Fall, Aidan made it clear that he didn't want to go to daycare. "But mom. You will pick me up late and I will be afraid. I just want to love you."

Oh honey..I just want to love you too......and I do....

[PrincessFiona]

I seem to have hurdled over the wall that I had hit as the end of summer was approaching!

Life again feels....good.

I believe that for me, making the decision not to apply for the job that I felt I was meant to have was very liberating. At other times in my life, being a stay-at-home mom felt like a *choice* that was thrust upon me...Of course, I could have done something, but I allowed myself to feel immobilized. This time, being an at home mom is completely 100% my choice. I'm not doing it because there are no other options, because I didn't get a job I applied for...I'm doing it because I want to.

I have decided to do it differently. I will be taking a few mornings a week for myself and so Zoe will be going to some sort of a "preschool" program. That though, is also my choice and so...I'm not going to allow myself to have moment of guilt over it. I need my time and my space to reconnect and refill my own batteries.

I have yet to decide about whether or not I want to take a class right now. Believe it or not, my gut feeling is....no. I'm not saying that I won't decide differently in the Spring and....I give myself the freedom to change my mind at any time.

What I have decided is....hold on to your hats....to put the same detail-oriented planning into my at-home-momness for this year. I told Thomas that and his responses was to laugh and say "well, we'll see how long THAT lasts". He has experienced first hand my work-life compulsiveness and also my at-home *slackerness* (new word!)

I'm going to try and get things ship shape around here. Look out kids! <a I have decided that before I embark on any major career decisions that I'm going to make sure everything here is running as it should be.

Ummmm....Major Irony alert:

I did say that I was turning down the opportunity to apply at the U and hoped that a window would open for me. And....after my "I am my kid's mom" rant above, I have to sheepishly add that....

Yesterday I ran into the head of the german program at the school Andrew will be going to in the Fall. He also runs the summer german camp. He and I had spoken in the past about the opportunity to build a solid German Saturday program here. We had touched based during summer camp this year, but I had really pushed it to the back of my mind. I have had contact with this person in the past and nothing came of it.

But.....he sought me out yesterday to say "I have gone from person-to-person talking about your idea to start a Saturday program and it is a done deal. We start in September. Email me so we can get on the same page."
I have spoken with this person off and on for THREE years about the idea and never in a million years thought it would happen. He has the classroom and many of the teachers lined up. I can't believe it. He wants me to be the volunteer coordinator and set up curriculum stuff.In all likelihood, I won't teach which is fine....but I will be responsible with him for establishing the program.Ummm...can we say best of both worlds?

How many years have I complained now about the lack of a German program here in our community? He also would like to ultimately establish a German immersion school. Again...those of you that have listened patiently to me complain for years about this...will at the very least be happy that they don't have to listen to me....complain anymore.

You should have seen Amanda's head twist around on her neck though when she realized she would have to start having to go to Saturday German school. Priceless.

Andrew had his picnic yesterday afternoon to prepare for his new start at his new school. I had hoped that he would leave there less anxious and worried, but the event seemed to have the opposite effect. He felt so nervous and awkward that he was a little sick to his stomach... From my perspective, the event went very well. I am so impressed by this school and their sense of family and community. They had a great presentation and headmaster basically said "This school is a family. We consider you all a part of our family and hope that you will let us into your lives as a part of your extended family...we ask for this with humble hearts..." I'm not kidding.

After the meeting, I was speaking with one of the directors because Andrew had signed up to take both Spanish and German in the Fall. She explained that he could do this but would have to give up his study hall....and so he decided (his choice) to stick with the german only. I think it was a smart decision because I don't want him to be overloaded. She also realized that he was signed up for the math placement test this morning and she told me to not bother to bring him in. He is skipping a grade in math (mom brag) and the issue at hand was really if he should skip another grade up to geometry. This sounds like a terrible brag, and I suppose it is. My apologies, but...oh well...he deserves this brag. I'm opposed to that kind of skippage for social reasons right now AND I think he needs a more solid foundation in algebra....so since Geometry isn't on the table from my perspective, he didn't even need to come in and take the placement test. Yeah! One less stress.

Andrew yelled at me and was angry the whole way home because he feels forced to go to the new school and he "hates me". I gave him his space and then went into his room and talked to him for about an hour....about my own experiences moving and changing schools, Thomas' experiences with nervousness as he prepared to move for residency etc.....and I told him that I will be right behind him supporting him. This is not an irreversible decision. If after one year he decides that the school isn't a good fit, he can return to our schools here. I reassured him that I will do everything within my power to help him keep up the contacts with his two best friends here. (And I have been doing that all summer by working to form relationships with their moms and having double sleepovers where both of the other boys spend the night on the same night here.) He says he doesn't fit in...that he won't have friends....and I told him that I wished that I could shrink myself down into a teeny person and then hide in his pants pockets when he went to school so that if he was nervous he could just pull me out and talk to me. He laughed like it was the dorkiest thing ever but then agreed that it would be nice.

So....I told him I will sew a few ummmm...mini-me's to put in his pocket in a little bag....and whenever he is feeling awkward or nervous he will only have to reach into his pocket and know that I'm right there with him....and he said that would be good. "Well, if this is my fantasy, Andrew, my mini-me gets to be skinny, ok". "Ok". I guess I'll be sewing some mini-me's this next two weeks. I'll let you know how they turn out!