how many kids to have?

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: how many kids to have?

We should have started earlier, had more, and not worried so much about everything working out. Life is too short to try and plan everything. Sometimes, you just miss out. That's just my 2 cents.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: how many kids to have?

I'm so tired I can't write a coherent sentence. I agree with the wait and see approach, and the don't do anything too drastic. But perhaps doing something a bit more than the rhythm method with condoms would work-- since this method failed us so many times... And we just didn't ever learn! Anyhoo, we're on the last one now- less than 5 weeks till #5 enters the scene, and it's been crazy, chaotic, insane... And this one was not planned, but ironically conceived at the same time as DH and I made the decision to go ahead and make an appt for a vasectomy for him. We felt 4 was indeed enough. That's just life, though... Sometimes things happen. "happy accidents" is what my aunt calls them.

[Auspicious]

Re: how many kids to have?

I think in my ideal world, I would have no children in my twenties, then I would have probably three (girl, boy, girl), spaced 3-4 years apart, and finish before I turned 35.

As you can see, my ideal world doesn't conform to the laws of mathematics or time or the realities of human reproduction.

Also, I say three children, but in reality I'm in a bit of a "heart says three children, head says two children" spot at this point, and I honestly am not sure how that will play out from here. Might have a change of heart and feel sated after two, life could make the decision for us, three could start to look more logical once we're out of training . . . lots of things could happen.

I used to think that I needed to kind of make a rough decision on that so that I could space them closer together if I wanted three. Sally has mentioned this

If I were doing it again, I would have bitten the bullet and had them closer together in order to have four.

in the past and I have taken it to heart. But now I think we find ourselves in the position where even if we only have two we need to aim to space them close together anyway ("close together" being a relative term, of course--don't hold your breath for any announcements yet ).

So yeah, definitely a subject I think about. Who knows what will actually happen. :huh: We can only do our best to make good decisions and then work with what life throws at us.

Re: how many kids to have?

I think in my ideal world, I would have no children in my twenties, then I would have probably three (girl, boy, girl), spaced 3-4 years apart, and finish before I turned 35.

I re-read this a few times before reading the next paragraph that explained. I thought that was a pretty neat trick you had figured out!



I agree -- wait until after this baby arrives to decide.

I have an IUD and am happy with that choice. If DH wants to get a vasectomy, he can go for it. I've had people ask me if we are "done" and I say yes but don't believe it because DH hasn't had the vasectomy. :huh: I do think we are done having kids but I don't what the next 6-7 years of our lives hold in store. I think it is remote that we would change our minds but I like knowing that we haven't made any permanent decisions.

[KCwife]

Re: how many kids to have?

We have stuggled with this question our entire marriage. I wanted five, he wanted two. We had our first at a very young age, and knew that med school was on the horizon so we planned our second. They are 27 months apart. Then when she was 1 my DH got a vasectomy. I was fine with it at first, but about a year later it really started to bother me. This past spring my DH got a vasectomy reversal, and now we are expecting number 3. We will be waiting a few years to see if we want more or if we are done. But, we will not be doing anything permanent until we both agree. So, I agree with everyone else... take it one kid at a time.

Re: how many kids to have?

We never had a plan for how many children we would have, either. Going from 1 to 2 was actually much, much easier for us than going from 0 to 1. It was almost two years before we decided that we wanted to have a second child. Now DD is barely two months old and we're already entertaining the idea of having a third. I do love the age gap that we have between our first two...just under three years....so we'll probably aim for the same spacing with the next one.

I agree that you should not do anything permanent unless you are absolutely sure that you are done. I had an IUD after I had my son and I opted to get another IUD this time around. You may want to check with your doctor to see if it is an option for you.

[MDPhDWife]

Re: how many kids to have?

We have 2 that are aged almost exactly 3 years apart and the spacing has been PERFECT for us. We love it. We have been on the fence about #3 for a while now. After delivering #2 I got an IUD and figured we would have made up our mind after 5 years. Well our 5 years is almost here and our minds aren't made up at all. We'll probably get another 5 year IUD since we've been so happy with it, and after those 5 years, we'll probably get the vasectomy.

All in all, #3 is probably not going to happen and I'm ok with that. We started young and I wanted to be done raising kids by the time I got to my 40's. The only thing that makes me sad sometimes is wishing I knew that our last one was our last. I wish I had embraced the experience more.

Re: how many kids to have?

Thanks for the replies! After reading them, I am thoroughly confused! I don't know whether to have #4 as soon as possible after #3, or to wait three years, or to quit here and maybe adopt later.

So I'm going with the advice to delay the decision! If it were entirely up to DH, we'd have as many as possible, one right after another. He knows I'm not up for that, but eventually I need to decide what I DO want. I thought it was a big family, but in the middle of it, I'm not so sure.

:thud:

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: how many kids to have?

I'm curious about the vasectomy reversals-- from what DH's doctor said, the kind he got is pretty much permanent. They catorized (spelling yikes!) a LOT of vas deferens on both sides... I guess this is the "really really sure" approach vs the other one which may be reversible? But from what we were told by the Dr, it's really really a done deal. It wasn't just a snip, I guess. More like a snip and burn!

And I have *total* peace and comfort with that. So does DH-- it took him longer to see the light, but he's right there with me on this one!

Before this vasectomy, and this last pregnancy, I would say we weren't entirely done because I asked myself all the time about if I had one more, would it be the end of sanity? And I always felt a *tiny* bit like maybe I wanted one more (or at least like if I had one more, it would be really hard but in the end it would be worth it). DH wanted more and more and more... So it's a huge relief that now he's also on the "we're done" train-- I got on it way before he did, though.

[alison]

Re: how many kids to have?

I don't mean to get all hijack-y on you, but how the hell do you plan for a certain number of kids and the spacing and so on? Or better, how the hell do *I* plan this when my body says "nope, getting pregnant isn't as easy as you thought it would be!"

I had ideas on what I wanted my family to look like, but sheesh, at this point, I would even be happy with one. I know that it hasn't been long enough for me/us to get panicky, but I really thought the whole thing wouldn't be left up to chance.

[SuzySunshine]

Re: how many kids to have?

I don't mean to get all hijack-y on you, but how the hell do you plan for a certain number of kids and the spacing and so on? Or better, how the hell do *I* plan this when my body says "nope, getting pregnant isn't as easy as you thought it would be!"

I had ideas on what I wanted my family to look like, but sheesh, at this point, I would even be happy with one. I know that it hasn't been long enough for me/us to get panicky, but I really thought the whole thing wouldn't be left up to chance.

alison, I fall into that camp. It took us almost two years to get pg with Adele - how do you plan spacing for the 2nd one knowing that? You can't, really. I think you start trying when you'd be happy if you got pg that month and see what happens. I don't think you can start trying with the mentality "it will take us X months to get pg" because then what happens if you takes you a lot less or a lot more? I know when I'd ideally like my 2nd to be born but we have no idea how that is going to work so we'll start trying when we're about a year before that date and hope for the best. If you really think something is off with you, i.e. odd cycles, etc you don't have to wait a year to see a doc and don't let one bully you into that. IMO only woman with really regular cycles should wait a full year before seeking help. Good luck!

Re: how many kids to have?

I don't mean to get all hijack-y on you, but how the hell do you plan for a certain number of kids and the spacing and so on? Or better, how the hell do *I* plan this when my body says "nope, getting pregnant isn't as easy as you thought it would be!"

I had ideas on what I wanted my family to look like, but sheesh, at this point, I would even be happy with one. I know that it hasn't been long enough for me/us to get panicky, but I really thought the whole thing wouldn't be left up to chance.

We tried 7 years and ended up doing IVF - which we initially thought we'd never do. Somehow that first pregnancy after IVF "reset" my body, and I got pregnant again ten months after I delivered the twins.

Infertility was extremely difficult for me to handle. Friends & family didn't understand the grief involved unless they'd been through it or at least read about it.

IMO only women with really regular cycles should wait a full year before seeking help. Good luck!

ITA. My advice: Try for six months, using ovulation predictor kits so there's no question whether you "timed" things right. After 6 months of trying, see an OB and ask for Clomid (assuming all your lab work is normal). If that doesn't work after three cycles, go straight to a reproductive endocrinologist, if you can at all afford it. Our RE offered a professional discount to residents & their spouses. In all likelihood, you'll probably get pregnant before you need to see the RE, but if not, I wouldn't mess around waiting. I wish we hadn't. We did try several things with the RE before he recommended IVF, but the other treatments just didn't work for us.

[Phoebe]

Re: how many kids to have?

You can't predict. Although we didn't have any fertility issues, we got pregnant very quickly the first two times. The third time around we thought it would be no problem having an "April baby". We got our third September child instead.

[Auspicious]

Re: how many kids to have?

Oh, you can plan all you want--I've got plans out the wazoo, it's in my nature and I can't help it. :huh: But yeah, your plans can be shot to hell at any point in the process. At least know that you're not alone.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: how many kids to have?

I don't mean to get all hijack-y on you, but how the hell do you plan for a certain number of kids and the spacing and so on? Or better, how the hell do *I* plan this when my body says "nope, getting pregnant isn't as easy as you thought it would be!"

Infertility seems so random and cruel--an unpredictable at times. I had been told to expect real difficulties getting pregnant. When we starting trying at 30, I assumed we'd be trying for a year or more. We'd saved up so that we could pursue infertility treatments or adopt. I was so concerned that it delayed when we started trying!...I didn't want to start until I knew we had the resources to really pursue getting pregnant or adopting. I had even had gotten together some recommendations for infertility specialists.

Then, first shot out of the gun. Pregnant. I'm not kidding. Unfortunately, I miscarried, but we tried again shortly there after and, bam, first shot out of the gun. Then we when starting trying for our current #2...you guessed it: first shot out of the gun. So much for medical science and my projected infertility. I am apparently the human equivalent of the Nile River Valley.

Don't get me wrong: I really count myself very blessed. I am so grateful that we didn't have problems after all. But I encourage people: don't put it off forever (and create age-related problems), but definitely don't assume you're going to have problems if you're within the usual child-bearing years. I worried and worried and worried. Worrying about it too much, when you don't know if you'll have problems, can take the fun out out of the process.