How did you decide to have more?

[Vishenka69]

I'm really curious as to what everyone's reasoning was, from "I've always wanted to have 3," to "it was a happy accident." I'm wondering how many out there actually use logic and reasoning and for how many it was a gut decision.

DH has started bringing up this subject more and more lately and honestly I find the prospect of more children a bit terrifying. I'm an only child, so I have experience with sibling and in both of our families siblings generally aren't very close. Basically I haven't personally experienced any benefits, so I'm having a hard time filling up the pros column.

[moonlight]

I'm also wondering what some of the posts are going to say! I can't decide what to do. Financially, I can't get pregnant this year. Next year, I might could swing it. I'm already 33 and don't want a little baby when I'm close to 40. On the other hand when I think about getting pregnant and having another I have that 'my tummy just dropped' nervous feeling! Is that normal!??!

[v-girl]

We had the second because we kept fighting over who got to hold the first. And we wanted her to have a buddy to grow up with -- DH loves how close I am to my brother & sister.

We had the third so we could say we had three kids during medical school.

So not kidding. We're a couple of whackadoodles when it comes to reasoning. LOL

[SuzySunshine]

I have 2 sisters and DH has 1 brother. I was the middle child, two years older and younger. For some reason we've always only wanted 2 and everyone said, "oh, you'll get the baby bug when R gets to be 1 or 1 1/2" well he's now almost 19 months and I can honestly say I have NO desire to have another one. I really don't like the baby stage, the first 9 months or so, and I'm very happy with where they are now. To be honest every day I think, I can't wait until R is A's age. I know everyone says treasure this age because they grow up fast but its not me.

So we are done as far as we are concerned and hopefully that doesn't change through any oops but I know we could love more if that happened, you'd just have to check me into an insane asylum until I came to terms with it.

ETA: I do think there are definite pros to have a sibling though, we wouldn't have stopped at 1 because we both grew up with siblings and wanted that for our children but neither of us were only children so we wouldn't know or understand the pros to that I suppose.

[ladymoreta]

We decided on "more than two" before we got married. (It was a topic in our premarital counseling.) Basically we liked the idea of a larger family, and we'd each grown up with one sibling. We are pretty sure we want to stop at three.

I, too, don't really care for the baby phase, and that's part of what prompted us to have them close together - just to get it over with!

V-Girl, I love your logic!

[GrayMatterWife]

We had absolutely no game plan. And that was the result of having a bad game plan, which we abandoned.

When we got married (at 21/22), we were going to grad school (him--MD/PhD, me--law school), then planned to get totally debt free, build a nest egg, then have a child. We really had no plans to have more than one (we weren't against it, but it was not a priority). What was a priority was getting our careers off the ground and be without debt.

And we did all those things, and did them well and efficiently. We were doing it exactly how "everyone" said we should be doing things--conservatively, in steps, allowing our lives to "unfold" into full adulthood in stages of accomplishment.

Then DS came, when I was 30. And, yet, even that experience--and balancing it with me practicing at a big law firm, and DH getting ready to start residency--did not encourage us to have more. It just seemed like a lot to balance.

It occurred to me that maybe my plan sucked (for me, anyhow), when I was about 33. I got to thinking about what I really considered a blessing in my life. And while I like my job, and I love being a lawyer, I did not want to pass up the opportunity to have a much deeper sense of purpose and fulfillment that I got by being a mom (that's how I felt--I am not saying that EVERYONE should feel that way), and miss out on the opportunity to share my love and gifts in a way that you can only through childrearing. DH was totally supportive.

So we just said, "Screw it. We're not living to carefully balance our careers and our family, anymore, because it doesn't feel like a balance. It feels like sacrificing family for career." So we had another, not really knowing how this would impact anything in terms of my job.

How did it end up impacting it? I am more organized, more focused, and more productive at work and I spend less time there. I feel like I have more time for all three of our kids, although I would like to have even more.

But I could never say that I knew what number was "right" or how many is "too" many--although most people I know do have a number in their heads. All I know is that I could never have imagined having three kids until I had them, and now I can't imagine having any fewer.

Disclosure: while it's hard to know if it's likely, we'd like to have a fourth. And, again, I have no idea how THAT is going to work exactly! Other than to know that, if it does happen, it will work.

[v-girl]

We hope for a fourth in the next two years. We'll see if God agrees.

[Deebs]

I wanted 4 - DH wanted 2. We're both children of families with 3 children. Um, DD#1 and DS were planned in terms of timing and everything. DD #2 was a little bit of an unplanned happy circumstance. I wanted a third when #2 was in kindergarten. Didn't work out that way. I'd go for a 4th when DD#2 is in kindergarten, but DH is done (as in has had the urologist make sure he's done). He also did point out to me that if we waited until DD is in K and get pregnant immediately, he'll be in his mid-40s, and close to retirement (hopefully) as that child is headed to college. Just not what he had pictured.

In my crazy mind, I still think we're going to have 4 kids. We had two opportunities to take in children that were abandoned in the ED - both when DH was in medical school and we could not possibly have handled it (I know that seems crazy, but sometimes weird, good things can happen with children's services, believe it or not). I honestly think a child is going to come to us, in some way. If not, some of our best friends have an only child, and I fully intend to bring her with us on family vacations, etc to "round out" the kids to an even number.

As for when we had another, i just knew. As DD was outgrowing some of the baby phase, I felt like we were missing something.

[migirl]

We always knew we'd have at least two kids (dh and I each have one sibling). We wanted our kids to experience a sibling relationship (with all the good and bad that comes with it!), and to have each other once dh and I are gone. Thus, DS2 was born.

I think dh would have been fine with not having any more children, but I decided that I wanted a third baby and dh was fine with that too. Thus DD was born.

I will say we're pretty much at capacity with 3 kids now, so we are officially done. And we both feel at peace with that decision.

[DCJenn]

I thought I wanted two- I mean I 'said' I wanted two but two was what EVERYONE had. No one growing up (friends, neighbors, family) had one or more than two. That's what I knew.

Rick wanted zero.

We negotiated to one before we got married and as it turned out, that was a really good decision because we couldn't have afforded to go get another Russian kid, anyway. We did put down that we would have taken two in case a sibling group was available but Rick was sweating bullets until we got the referral. (It's really that crass- "put down one more than what you want.")

J.

ETA: I absolutely LOVE having one. I can't fathom how people have more than one. I love that when we're done w/ a stage, we're DONE. End of diapers meant end of diapers FOREVER. It's a glorious thing. And TBH, I really like having my husband to myself so I'm glad we get to do the parenting thing and I'm really glad the dude graduates from high school in 11 years. We had a super fun time as a couple and I look forward to getting back to that point again.

[Pollyanna]

We entered marriage knowing we wanted children but decided not to put a number on it so to speak. Dh is an only child and I have one older brother so neither of us had experience with a large family except I did grow up with lots of cousins. We figured we'd start having them and decide from there. I mean how could we know how many we wanted when we didn't even have one? We had four within the first ten years of our marriage. I knew I wanted more after that but it was hard with dh in med school, me working, and managing the four little ones. Once I stopped working and we decided to go for it, it took much longer than the others but we were finally blessed with baby #5. We'd still love one more but that doesn't seem to be in the cards. I guess having a large family just seems right for us.

[Thirteen]

I'm the weirdo. At 5 weeks, I looked at DH and said "I could totally do this again!"
...He was all "how soon?", and gave me a slightly terrified look. I know that we'll go for at least one more, even though we are both from families with 3.

[MrsK]

When I met DrK, he was not planning on children. He wasn't even planning on marriage. He was going to be a trauma surgeon and live for his work. I always knew that I wanted marriage and children but figured I'd just take things one date at a time with him and see what developed. I'm sure I mentioned that I was interested in having a family but I honestly don't recall ever discussing it with him until he brought it up. About 3 or 4 months into our relationship, he started asking me about marriage and children. He did a total 180, changed to a more "family friendly" specialty, and he was talking about marriage and babies all the time. He was very insistant that I was the one and that I was someone that he wanted to have children with. I was freaking out. While I knew I wanted marriage and children, I was still getting to know him. I told him to table the marriage/children discussion for a while. We'd been dating 8 months when he proposed.

DrK started thinking about large families when he came to brunch at my mom's house and met my brothers, their wives, and my then 1yo nephew. We'd been dating for 3 weeks when he picked me up for a date at my mom's house. She was recovering from cancer and she immediately fell in love with him. Of course, I was 32 and she would have been delighted if I brought home a gorilla at that point. She insisted that he come for brunch the following weekend. Then she made a big embarassing to do about it. She even took pictures. I thought he'd never call me again! He was totally clueless when my nephew climbed into his lap. Really, he'd never been around children at all before.

Once he persuaded me to marry him, we discussed having at least 2 children. We sort of waffled between 2 and 3. He was an only child and says that he found it to be very lonely. Before he met me, he imagined a future where he'd be entirely alone in the world after his parents passed away. He enjoyed the noise and chaos when we got together with all my siblings. It took him a while to understand how I worry about my brothers' problems, we share eachother's burdens, and that we are related in a way that is much more intimate than his relationship to his cousins. But he knew he wanted this for his children.

DrK and I both really love being parents; We cannot believe how much fun we are having even when BabyK is crabby and driving us crazy. K2 came along a little sooner than we planned but DrK couldn't be happier about having "broken the one-child barrier". As for K3 or K4 -- I'm already hoping but DrK isn't sure. He wants to take it one baby at a time but most of the time he says that he'd like to have more provided that our children are healthy and we are not overwhelmed. He's a very involved and nurturing daddy; It comes to him so naturally but he wants to make sure that there is enough of his attention for everyone. I'm a little worried about how my changed work situation/income can impact our plans to expand our family. Personally, I don't think kids need to have everything as long as they have enough (i.e. their necessities are covered) and I agree with DrK about stopping if we have a child with special needs or cannot give our kids the attention they require. . . . but I really want to have a K3.

[MrsK]

I'm the weirdo. At 5 weeks, I looked at DH and said "I could totally do this again!"
...He was all "how soon?", and gave me a slightly terrified look. I know that we'll go for at least one more, even though we are both from families with 3.

When I delivered BabyK, I had three clear thoughts: (1) He's *so* tiny; is he okay? (2) Thank goodness he doesn't have scales! Darn those pregnancy nightmares. and (3) Heck yeah, I'd do this again!

[PrincessFiona]

We talked about 3 ... And stopped at five. I could totally start all over again and have 5 more. I love being a mom more than anything else. Despite the chaos, worry and lack of balance to our lives at times, I am more fulfilled than I ever thought I could be.

There was no rational thought involved ... and I am truly blessed every day that I get up in the morning. I wouldn't have it any other way. (remind me of this when the teen drama re-emerges!)

Kris
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