How did you decide to have more?

[Phoebe]

First one, I think I was bored since DH had just started his fellowship and we had no family around. I was also 31 and didn't know how long it would take to conceive. Not long. We were going to start trying for #2 when DD was 18 months. Circumstances caused it to happened a little earlier. Right around DD#2 being 1 1/2, it seemed about time again. We had always talked about 3 kids. When DD#3 was around 10 months, we started to think it would be great to have one more. I love the baby stage so whenever our kids grow up, it seems natural to have another one. Several factors are weighing in one whether to try again. My heart says yes, my head says no. Not sure which one to follow.

[MrsK]

Kelly, I think my friend said that the baby found a foster home. Regardless, I think I'd have to let this one pass us by because I don't think we could possibly make it work financially or in terms of giving the kids all the attention thry require. But it's good to know that DrK is open to expanding our family that way. He said that he's even thought of bringing home foster kids he's seen at work because, as he put it "protecting a child seems like the most natural impulse in the world." It surprised me because in my attempts to recruit lawyers to represent abused kids, about 90 percent of the people I met did not want to get involved. So, maybe fostering or adoption will be in our future. But for now, I'm just feeling happy that DrK feels the way I feel.

[Meenah]

I used to volunteer at a local children's shelter for ages newborn to 12 years old. It was so sad, the children were brought to the shelter for many reasons. It was a good thing we were not allowed to bring them home or contact them after they left the shelter. I still have dreams about one sweet little girl.

[Vishenka69]

I've been struggling with this question for a while now. DH started brining up another one as soon as DD started sleeping through the night. I never had baby fever even first time around. We were in a good place and I didn't have any reasons to delay any further, so we just jumped in with both feet. I had a small nagging thought that I might regret never having kids but feel that it has now been taking care of. I liked being an only child and never felt lonely or that I'm missing out on something even though most of my friends had siblings.

I don't feel defined by being a mom to a degree that I can't wait to do it again and again. I also don't like the baby stage and enjoy playing with DD a lot more now than when she was in her "human burrito" stage. I never "ooh'ed and ahh'ed" over babies and still don't, I don't care about holding other people's babies or smell their heads or anything similar. I'm not a lover-at-first-sight kind of person and didn't feel truly bonded with DD until she was probably several months old and started recognizing me and smiling. I needed some kind of feedback from her to really feel a bond between us develop. Even though we started the process rather later (mid-30s), I don't feel that we waited too long and should have started earlier and had more. I'm perfectly content with where I am now. If DH didn't bring up the topic, I don't think I'd ever think about it on my own.

Another con for me is that DH and I spent many years as just us and I miss us as a couple vs us as parents. We were recently able to go away for a week alone and I'm not ready to give that time together up. I doubt my parents can handle two toddlers for a whole week. I like having DH all to myself and not being preoccupied with kid related thoughts and activities. Of course we talked about her and sharing our passion for travel and cultural activities with her once she's older but we also felt like our old selves for the first time in over a year. I guess neither of us has accepted that we need to change our perceptions of ourselves. and who we are.

On the other hand, we're not getting any younger and time is ticking while our energy levels are declining by the minute. If we do decide to go ahead with having another one, it will need to happen within the next couple of years. I just feel bad rationalizing this so much, it makes me feel guilty for not wanting the kid, I might agree to have, more. Granted I was also on the fence about DD and now love her to pieces. My concern is not that I won't love the child once he/she is born but that I will always know that I was talked into that decision.

[alison]

Aw just do it, J! Less thinking, more jumping in with both feet! When you rationalize it, you can talk yourself out of it--easily. There isn't anything practical/helpful about a "screaming piece of meat," (dh's words to describe dd in her early months) except for the joy that a baby brings.

[ladymoreta]

So right, Alison! Just take the "let's get this over with" approach.

[MrsK]

Having kids is not rational. It's an emotional decision. Last night, it occurred to me that if i had not discovered that I was pregnant with K2 only days before my law firm began to unravel, there may not be a K2.(The thought devistated me and I haven't even met K2 yet.) And certainly my and DrK's urge to adopt the abandoned NICU baby is not rational at all and I have to keep fighting that impulse. (But I cannot tell you how giddy I am to know that adoption could be in my family's future.)

Also, I keep telling one of my friends who is a new mom and "not a baby person" that she does not have to be a baby person because her daughter will not be a baby for long. True, DrK and I miss holding hands when we go out because our hands are full of babies. But we have friends that are happily traveling all over the world with their toddler. (BTW, your first will not be a toddler any more once your second is a toddler. She'll have moved on to being a kid.) It's all about your choices as a family.

That said, emotional decisions are highly personal. If you feel that one child is right for you, then that's right for you. Nothing to feel guilty about.

[Thirteen]

You don't have to explain your choice, whatever you choose, to us You know that we will support you!
If other people give you flack, tell us and we'll get the bus.

[Phoebe]

I asked DH what he wanted for Father's Day. He said, "A son."

eta: It's not like I have a say in that decision!

[moonlight]

I totally agree with Wildfin and MrsK. Do what is 100% in your family's best interest and don't do something that doesn't feel right. To be totally honest I read your last post and thought, wow she doesn't need another child. You seem like the type of person that values your personal time and alone time with your husband. If those are things that truly make you happy then I wouldn't suggest having another child. The things you enjoy in life are much easier to do with one child. It can be done with two little ones (I've seen it in my travels) but it's much easier with only one, IMO.

[DCJenn]

Besides, I need another person to help me represent the "perfect # is ONE" group because the 0s and the 2+'s have me FAR outnumbered.

J.

[SuzySunshine]

I agree with the others, if you don't want another child, or have serious questions about it, don't let anyone else talk you into it. There is nothing wrong with being an only child, and look at you - you're normal.

[ladymoreta]

I agree - I was just joking with my on-the-fly response. I can't think of any of my only-child friends who is any better or worse adjusted than the ones with siblings. It's 100% about what works for your family, and you know best what that is!

[alison]

Well, I'm going to continue picking on J, because she and I were on the fence at the same time about our current babies. . I know she's a tough cookie, but ultimately she'll realize she does want another!

[MrsK]

*wondering if Alison is the next iMSNer on the baby train*