worried about ds

[rainbabies]

im probably overreacting but im worried about him. dh took him to preschool this morning. he was so excited to go...but as soon as they drove away he started crying and screaming that he did not want to go and that he hated school. dh brought him in to class and the teachers said to just leave him. dh went to the observation room and watched for a bit. the teacher was hugging him, holding him and rocking him. ds settled down a bit then the teacher set him up to paint. dh left a fter about 10 minutes of watching. i called later on to check on him, they said he was fine and eating lunch. i asked the teacher if ds had started to socialize with the other kids yet and she said no, and that they will start working with him more. when dh went to pick him up they were all out on the playgroud...ds was just hanging out on the bench....by himself. the teacher told dh that he seems to be a little bit of a loner but did play with the kids a bit today. im so sad for him. i dont want him to play by himself...he can do that at home. on the way home today he said he does not like his school. i asked him why but he did not answer.

thoughts/advice/comfort for a very sad, teary eyed, worried, mommy appreciated.

[PrincessFiona]

I think...some kids are just not as outgoing as others. Unless you see some other signs that might point you towards thinking about autism, etc I think it's ok to consider this in the realm of normal for him. (Of course, I'm not a pediatrician, so...take what I say for what it's worth).

DD#1 had very similar issues. Her kindergarten teacher even called to ask if something was "going on at home" because she would only play by herself. At recess she played by herself, during freetime in the classroom she sat by herself and looked at books, etc etc. They ended up working with her one on one to bring her out of her shell. She got to pick a friend to color/draw with once a week during recess while the other kids were outside. (I'm so grateful for that, btw!). They did this for a few months and the improvement was huge.

Amanda still doesn't initiate playdates...ie she won't go to someone else's house and see if they want to play, etc...she is afraid that they will say no. She also gets overwhelmed in large social groups.

She does now finally have a small group of close friends that she's known for a few years. This summer, the change in her was more pronounced. She began getting together regularly with these same girls and they now eat together daily, etc...

It's taken her a long time to find her comfort zone and groove, but she is pretty normal otherwise.

kris

[Stella]

Re: worried about ds

when dh went to pick him up they were all out on the playgroud...ds was just hanging out on the bench....by himself.

Oh, Sylvia, I don't blame you at all for feeling terrible. But I think that this is still good for him in the end. If he's opening up a little more every day, then that should be a good sign. I hope that it really gets better for him soon.

My oldest was like that in preschool and still is to some extent. She likes to observe and figure out what is going on before jumping in. It's funny how many people have commented on this "shy" behavior. Once people get to know her, I get comments about her being outgoing. When she started preschool, her teacher commented a few months later that she had really bloomed and came out of her shell. I felt horrible, like I had been sending her somewhere she wasn't happy for months. After more experiences like that, that didn't last as long, I realized it is just how she processes new situations.

Does he cry like that when you drop him off? Was it a little different with dad perhaps? I know it is hard but I think it is ok. He'll join in when he is ready.

[Flynn]

I think huge transitions are difficult for any child. We had some crying and missing mommy etc. It's hard.

If you trust the teacher he's in good hands. He'll find a buddy eventully OR he'll decide he really likes to paint, play with blocks...etc.

He'll find his niche. Hang in there. It's HARD for a parent!!

[rainbabies]

thanks for the responses. dh and i asked him at dinner tonight if he liked school. he said yes. he also went on to say he was mad today....mad at daddy. we asked him if he is mad at me...uh, uh..just daddy. okay, why?? because he goes to work. WOW was that good for a guilt trip.

nellie, he has never done that with me...so it must be a total dad thing.

kris, i asked the teacher about his lack of social skills and she said she would inform the other two teachers in the classroom so they can work on it. i am greatful that they are going to make an effort to work with him.

annie, he has always been a quiet kiddo and he will play just fine by himself...it just makes me worry about him. not socializing, being a wall flower....kinda like myself. dh said he was like that too.

[rainbabies]

flynn, funny you should mention the painting. he LOVES it and thrives on painting. his teachers say he is more excited about it than any kiddo they have ever worked with. this may be somthing we have to tap into further.

[Ames]

One of the kids in my class was having a hard time at dropoff last year and I knew it was much harder for Dad then for the son so I made him a book of pictures from different points in the day. When ever this little boy was having fun at an activity I snapped his picture and at the end of the day I printed them out and gave the book to the boy. We looked at it together and I asked him if he was having fun in each of the pictures, to which he always responded "yes". So then I asked him if he liked school and he said "yes" again. So then I asked him if he could get dropped off without crying the next day since he liked school and had fun here. He never cried at dropoff again! Maybe the teacher could get some pics for you. I can only imagine how hard it is for a parent to leave their crying child but trust me, it never lasts longer then a few minutes! You should ask the teachers who would be a good match for your child and invite that child over to the house for a playdate. This is great for "shy" children because they can form a bond with another child on their own turf and then they will have an ally at school. I could probably go on all night but I have to get to bed, if you want more ideas let me know. Hope all goes well.

[rainbabies]

thank you amy that sounds like a great idea.


we are still worried about him. tonight we asked him what he didnt like about school again. he said he wants to play outside more . he also said "the children". so what could this mean? is he overwhelmed? is it his loner personality? do i pull him and do scheduled "book work" and more artsy stuff at home? do i keep him there for the original reason of getting him socialized...and hope for the best?

im going to talk to the head teacher tomorrow. this just makes me so sad. he is only 3.5 and he acts like a worried little old man.

[Ames]

let me know what the teacher says but I think you should keep him there, at least a little longer. I know in last years class I had a little girl who was really shy and she told her dad everyday that she didn't want to come to school but then once he left she always had a great time with us. Wishing you lots of luck tomorrow!

[Stella]

I think you should keep him there, at least a little longer.

I agree. Sometimes it just takes a little longer for kids to warm up to each other and the idea of school. It's probably better for him to become more acclimated now than later (Kindergarten or 1st grade) since he won't remember it later anyway. In the end, you know what is best, but I would try to keep him there as long as possible.

[rainbabies]

today was the worst it has been sofar. he started crying the minute he knew today was a school day. he didnt want to get dressed, get his shoes on and i struggled to get him buckled in to his seat. he was sobbing and could not catch his breath the whole way. when we got there everyone was outside and usually he LOVES that. not today. as soon as i put his backpack in his cubby, he tore it out...that happened twice until i practically dragged him outside. the assistant came over and took him from me and said he would be fine. i left crying. how lame is that. it really hurts me to see him so upset over something he took such joy in only two-three weeks ago. he REALLY needs to socialize, that is the only reason he is there. part of me wonders if this battle is worth it. i can do workbook stuff with him at home. i can do more creative artsy stuff at home. i did not get a chance to talk to the head teacher, but will this afternoon. i dont want him to have bad memories of pre-school. i just want him to be a happy little boy, and clearly he is not.

today sucks. i just left a crying sobbing rambling message on dh's phone. im sure he will appreciate that. i really need to talk to someone. the only one here that i have IRL is never available.

does he feel like you and the girls are doing fun stuff at home w/o him? Jacob had a hard time going to the JCC preschool (in Cleveland), and in hindsight, I've kind of decided / realized that the place wasn't a good fit for him.

I would follow Amy's advice -- she's in the trenches. But perhaps you need to give yourself a timeline ... if he's still miserable (and not interacting w/the other students AFTER you leave) after X amount of time, then you wait 'til next year. He's not going to be academically behind by staying out a year of preschool, and he may just not be ready to be very social.

I know it's heart wrenching.

I'm sorry, Sylvia! I hope the head teacher can give you some insight and help on this.

[PrincessFiona]

Sylvia,

Is there any way that the school would allow you to stay with him in the classroom at first? Maybe you could go to school with him for a few days and then gradually leave the classroom a little earlier each time until he is comortable.

I'm sorry....

Maybe he just isn't ready yet and you could explore some other types of opportunities for him for socialization? I know our district's community ed program offers mommy and me preschool-type classes/kindermusik etc. Mabye he still needs you around to feel comfortable socializing......


kris