receiving help after coming home

[alison]

My mom says she'll be able to stay with us for 2 weeks after I come home. Dh won't be able to take time off, other than when I'm in labor, and the day I come home from the hospital. I'm wondering how much help I'm going to need, and fear that my mom's definition of help is different than mine...

Will 2 weeks feel like an eternity? How do you tell someone who is generally not the most helpful person that you're ready to do things on your own and they can go home now. My mom has stayed with dh and me before, and she's a ton of work. She doesn't realize that she's really messy. I don't think that that's a huge problem, but when I'm trying to get adjusted to life with a baby, it would be nice to have someone around who views doing dishes and vacuuming as helpful.

I don't really know what I'm trying to ask, other than is a 2-week visit realistic? Have you felt like you can tell your visitor what to do that would be of great help?

[Deebs]

I think it depends on your relationship with your mom. Keep in mind, though...you won't be able to drive right after delivery. The period for restricted driving varies greatly, but with my first (I had a complicated delivery), I wasn't cleared to drive for six weeks. I couldn't do stairs for a good amount of time, either in a house where the TV and most of living area was downstairs and kitchen was upstairs. I don't know what I would have done without my parents there. I would absolutely say something like, "would you mind running the vacuum at some point today?" Just make sure that your mom doesn't think helping entails her holding the baby the entire time, as my MIL thinks. She basically ensured that she won't be asked back to help. If you aren't comfortable asking for that type of help, would your DH mind either asking or having some kind of talk about feeling bad that he can't do the vacuuming, etc that might inspire help?

[GrayMatterWife]

My mom stayed about a week after (only AFTER) each baby arrived.

She pretty much just annoyed the crap out of me with the first baby. She would barely let me touch him; every time he cried, she was all over it, insisting that I should sleep and rest. Only, I wasn't tired and I wanted to learn how to take care of him. She spent a lot of time criticizing. She taught me nothing because she just DID everything, and when she left, I felt just as much a newbie as the day the baby arrived. But, she bought us a LOT of Mexican food and sangria, so it wasn't like her stay was a total loss. She did make DH nuts. He pretty much moved into the hospital.

Second baby, I knew what I was doing. I felt a lot more confident and I enjoyed having her help out with the baby and with DS. She was awesome with DS--taking him to school and back, making snacks, making him feel special, taking him to the hospital to see me, etc.

But, a week with Mom is about all I was looking for...

Good luck. It is so hard with parents--you don't want to hurt their feelings...

[alison]

My mom stayed about a week after (only AFTER) each baby arrived.

She pretty much just annoyed the crap out of me with the first baby. She would barely let me touch him; every time he cried, she was all over it, insisting that I should sleep and rest. Only, I wasn't tired and I wanted to learn how to take care of him. She spent a lot of time criticizing. She taught me nothing because she just DID everything, and when she left, I felt just as much a newbie as the day the baby arrived. But, she bought us a LOT of Mexican food and sangria, so it wasn't like her stay was a total loss. She did make DH nuts. He pretty much moved into the hospital.

Second baby, I knew what I was doing. I felt a lot more confident and I enjoyed having her help out with the baby and with DS. She was awesome with DS--taking him to school and back, making snacks, making him feel special, taking him to the hospital to see me, etc.

But, a week with Mom is about all I was looking for...

Good luck. It is so hard with parents--you don't want to hurt their feelings...

Exactly. I don't want to hurt my mom's feelings. I guess we'll just have to play everything by ear. I'm going to try to tell my mom only to book a one-way flight for now, so that we can adjust her return flight while she's here. I think two weeks with her here 24/7 will drive everyone insane.

Dh told his mom that my mom will be staying for 2 weeks, and she mentioned that with the first baby, there really isn't much my mom will be able to help us with but that it's when you have siblings that need care, that grandparents can really be helpful. That's what you were hinting at, right, Abigail?

[GrayMatterWife]

. . .there really isn't much my mom will be able to help us with but that it's when you have siblings that need care, that grandparents can really be helpful. That's what you were hinting at, right, Abigail?

If your mom is like my mom, then, yeah--I agree 100%. My mom was really helpful with the second...but, still, I can take only about a week of her. And I am sure she feels the same!

[Pollyanna]

Your mom can help a TON with the day to day stuff. You'll need to discuss expectations before she arrives though. She can keep you caught up on your laundry, make meals for the day as well as create a freezer full for when she leaves, she can hold baby after you feed him so you can nap or shower or eat a meal with both hands, she can run to the store for you, etc. As long as you both have a plan for when she arrives (and its the SAME plan ) you will do fine. Remember, your job is to "feed baby and give orders".

ETA: It's also important that you not consider her visit a vacation. She is there to help you, so don't feel bad asking for all the help you need.

[SuzySunshine]

We found it to be a mixed bag between my parents and the IL's. Neither were able to come for more then a couple of days at a time because of the timing of A's birth. My parents only wanted to hold the baby though they did cook some meals, cleaning wasn't really needed since they weren't here long. MIL cooked and cleaned and urged me to nap when A was fed but awake. I appreciated that however I learned to nap with earplugs because whenever A cried it woke me up.

This time they're all coming for longer periods, probably more like a week at a time and they will be here to really just cook and entertain A. I think you just have to lay out what you expect of her before she comes otherwise you will drive each other nuts quickly.

You're getting so close, I'm so excited for you!

[alison]

Out of all the chores my mom can help us with, the only one I think she'll be ok at is grocery shopping.

My mom doesn't believe in sorting laundry, and just tosses anything and everything into the washer and sets the thing to EXTRA HOT. All our clothes used to come out ruined -- usually 5 sizes smaller than when they went in... When I tell her that things should be washed at different temperatures, her argument is that things don't get clean unless they're washed with hot water.

Cooking -- that's not her forte either. She's good at it, but doesn't enjoy preparing meals in the least bit.

So, basically I've got someone coming to help me who is close to useless when it comes to domestic things. She means well, but has absolutely zero interest in maintaining a household.

I'm so close...!!!

[DCJenn]

Well, you're going to have to lay it out exactly how you want her to help- even if that means, "mom, I appreciate that you want to wash our clothes in hot water but I want them washed in cold water on gentle."

When I got home with Nikolai I was so jetlagged and we had insane amounts of running around/paperwork that had to be done that it was great to have my mom there to just say, "here, he's all yours, I have to go file this with the consulate."

But, I also talk to my mom at least once a day, most days several times a day. (thank goodness for free long distance.)

Jenn

When Jack was born we told our families that we wanted the first couple of weeks by ourselves to get to know him and that they could come out after that. For me that was a mistake. DH was back at work afer 2 days and I had a really hard time the first couple of weeks, the "baby blues" hit me hard and I have never felt so alone in my life. Taking DS to the ped when he was three days old and I could barely walk I was in so much pain, oh the memories!
The difference is that my parents are awesome and they do everything to help out. And we are used to them visiting for 2 weeks at a time. When they did arrive (when J was 2 weeks old) it was great. MIL showed up for a couple of days when he was 10 days old and was expecting me to cook them lunch, etc. So she would have been no help earlier!
Vacuuming and mess will be the least of your concerns, but if you think she will listen to you and help with the essentials like cooking and laundry my advice would be to take the help. If you don't need it you can find a way to send her home again!

[MrsK]

FWIW, I'm expecting everyone to arrive for the bris -- 8 days after Baby K is born. By everyone, I mean mom, ILs, aunts, uncles, sibs, friends, etc. I'm already feeling anxious about entertaining all those people in our just moved into home so soon after having a baby. But the bris is just one day and I'm hoping that our parents, DrK, and the rabbi handle all the arrangements so I can just hide out with Baby K after he does his part. If Baby K were a girl, I wouldn't have to do this and could space out the visits better.

I am hoping that after the bris everyone will leave except for my mom. (Hopefully, mom's BF will not be there.) I've asked my mom to stay a week or two. We get along well and I think she'll be able to help me learn the baby stuff I need to know -- except breastfeeding which she did not do. However, she's been very unwell lately and has needed help in her own home to do chores and get around. We are hoping that she'll be better by the time Baby K arrives but if she's not, as my MIL said "I'll be stuck with her."

We invited MIL/FIL to return in February, about a month after Baby K is born. There is another ceremony then as Baby K will be my firstborn son. (It's a symbolic redemption ceremony acknowledging the taking of the firstborn Egypten sons as referenced in Exodus.) My FIL would probably like to be there.

Ultimately, I'm not expecting much in the way of housekeeping from either Mom or MIL. I'll probably have to hire some help for that. Mom and MIL will cook and if my mom is able to drive they'll run errands. Mostly, I think they'll be showing me the ropes and holding Baby K while I'm sleeping, showering, etc. They each have the ability to drive me crazy and there are limits to what they can do. However, I think that they will both rise to the occassion in her own way. Remember, it's their grandson and they love him as much as you do.

[Urowife]

My parents stayed for two weeks. they were lifesavers. there is no way I could have managed without them. just having people around for support is essential, in my opinion. my mom isn't much of a cook, but she brought me breakfast and a turkey sandwich for lunch and always made sure I had something to drink. my dad cooked dinners and held the baby a lot while I was pumping or showering (or, just when I needed a break -- DD didn't like to be put down, so we took turns holding her)

maybe you could start the loads of laundry (so they don't get washed on hot), and she could take care of drying, folding, putting away?

shopping is good! you'll figure out stuff you need for the baby that you forgot or didn't think was necessary. my parents did several Target/babies R us runs those two weeks.

Remember, it's their grandson and they love him as much as you do.

I have to disagree with the sentiment behind this. Yes, of course they love their grandchild and should get to see him or her. But right after a baby is born, a mama needs what will give her support and help her through -- not feel obligated to accomodate guests who may or may not be helpful. Religious ceremonies aside, this is THE time to speak up for yourself, and be clear on expectations.

Alison - if your mom isn't instinctively helpful, then lay it out for her before the baby comes. "Hey Mom - I'm kind of anxious about the time right after I deliver. I'm excited you're coming, but I want to make sure we avoid frustration and hurt feelings as much as possible. The way I see it right now, I'm thinking I'll need some help with keeping things tidy, laundry moving, etc. Of course, that could all fly out the window when I'm on my hormone-rollercoaster, so we'll have to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing. "

[alison]

Thanks for the practical tips! I'm really going to capitalize on my mom's strengths -- like folding laundry (thanks for that!!! I mean, how can you damage clothes when you do that?).

The last time my mom visited, she tried to help us by cutting up some sandwich bread. She took the bread over to our dining table and started slicing bread directly on it. With a sharp knife. No cutting board. We now have slice marks on our wood table that we're going to have to get sanded out and refinished. It's stupid half-witted sh*t like that that she does when she tries to help...

Those are the exact words that fit the situation, Jenn: my mom isn't instinctively helpful. I'll have a brief, upbeat talk with her about how I'd like the time she's here to go. Dh has to be on the same page though. I think he's a little scared of my mom.

[MrsK]

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsK
Remember, it's their grandson and they love him as much as you do.

I have to disagree with the sentiment behind this. Yes, of course they love their grandchild and should get to see him or her. But right after a baby is born, a mama needs what will give her support and help her through -- not feel obligated to accomodate guests who may or may not be helpful. Religious ceremonies aside, this is THE time to speak up for yourself, and be clear on expectations.

I'm afraid you've mistaken the sentiment behind this. What I mean is that the moms raised us and our DH's and they lived. They love the baby and they are there to help and you may be surprised at how helpful they can be once that maternal instinct is re-awakened. They've BTDT.