receiving help after coming home

[alison]

I'm afraid you've mistaken the sentiment behind this. What I mean is that the moms raised us and our DH's and they lived. They love the baby and they are there to help and you may be surprised at how helpful they can be once that maternal instinct is re-awakened. They've BTDT.

Helpful to WHOM though? I mean, how do grandparents feel about doing the not-so-fun stuff like trips to Babies R Us and Target vs. holding a satisfied (well-fed, well-rested, clean-diapered) baby? Both are maternal instincts, no?

I think the distinction is what you (as the mom) feel will be helpful and what the grandparents *perceive* as helpful.

[MrsK]

I think they will do the not-so-fun stuff too. Like I said, they've BTDT. While they may be annoying or stupid and half-witted, they may surprise you.

I'm speaking from my experience with my SIL - she and I had a very stressed relationship and I knew nothing about newborns when my nephew was born. But when the baby came and she landed in ICU, I moved into their house, stayed up all night with the baby for weeks, ran errands, cleaned bathrooms, cooked meals for her dad, changed poopy diapers, mopped up baby vomit, etc. So, I'm sort of approaching this from the mom/IL's perspective.

Really, the only way I was able to do those things was because she and my brother let me. Prior to that, SIL freaked out when her dad's GF tried to vacuume the floors (she was insulted and wanted things done her way). If she and my brother hadn't let go and trusted me and my instincts, it never would have worked out.

Also, I'm speaking from my early pregnancy experience. When I had a hemorrhage and couldn't get up from bed, my ILs came. Yes, MIL drove me nuts. Yes, her housekeeping and packing abilities left much to be desired. But she didn't burn the house down and I didn't have to worry about groceries, errands, or meals for a week.

Also, I'm speaking from my early pregnancy experience. When I had a hemorrhage and couldn't get up from bed, my ILs came. Yes, MIL drove me nuts. Yes, her housekeeping and packing abilities left much to be desired. But she didn't burn the house down and I didn't have to worry about groceries, errands, or meals for a week.

If it works out for you, that's awesome, but I can't tell you how many women I know have absolutely wanted to pull their hair out b/c of a well-meaning visitor. Sure, they aren't likely to burn the house down, but when your hormones are raging and you're learning the ropes of being a new mom, it's just shouldn't be necessary to roll with the punches.

Now, I never had the opportunity to have this issue. My mom died before I had kids, and I didn't let MIL come when Mattie was born. I had a bit of help from friends in Cleveland when I had the boys, but here I was basically on my own after a week (dh returned to work). It can be done either way. I was blessed with incredibly easy deliveries -- if they'd been harder or I'd had c-sections, I'm sure I would have caved and let my MIL come.

[madeintaiwan]

That is great your ILs are willing to do the not so fun stuff, but I can tell you that there are PLENTY of ILs who are flat out unwilling. And not only are they unwilling, they will come to your home only to be a big pain in the bum during a time when you really don't need ANYMORE people who need you to take care of them physically and/or emotionally.

NO ONE, even if the "helpful" person has BTDT and their child (you or your spouse) survived, wants to be told how to raise their child, especially their newborn. NO ONE, not anyone, especially a new hormonal mother, wants to feel like they're pushed up in a corner and afraid to speak up even though said helpful people are doing all kinds of things she doesn't agree with because those said helpful people have BTDT. Grandparents just don't get free range because they raised their kids and they survived. They're called GRANDparents for a reason. They are the parents of the parents of the grandchild. They had their shot to do as they wish with their own kids. Now it's their time to sit back, enjoy, and help out when asked or needed. If you don't ask them for xyz they shouldn't be doing xyz against your wishes just because they've BTDT and their kid survived.

If you have a "controlling" MIL who can't get enough of her son, just wait until the grandkid arrives. It's one thing to take care of you while you are the vessel caring their grandchild. With mothers like that, it's no surprise that when the baby is born it instantly becomes ALL about that baby ("their baby") that came from her son and not you.

Alison, I think help would be great. But be honest with your mom. My mother came for 3 weeks and it was GREAT!! It went by so fast. She didn't ask permission for every little thing, but my mom is very good about not overstepping her boundaries because her mother isn't. She's not into the baby stuff so she cooked and cleaned and took care of me. Lots of Chinese traditions. If they're truly not going to be helpful at all, as in within reason, do what you need, do what you say, really they needn't be around. I think you'll be fine and enjoy the company. I think two weeks will go by fast. My mom helped with J and Eó but couldn't with A. I really missed her for that one.

[MrsK]

I don't understand why everyone is getting all worked up. I'm not saying to ship the kid off to grandmas forever and I'm not saying that accepting help means that you are not the momma. Heck, I'm not even saying to roll with the punches or entertain your mom.

While everyone acknowledges that well-meaning visitors were a PITA, everyone has also acknowledged that moms, MILs, and friends were helpful in their own way. You have to accept whatever their limitations are, look the other way when they brush crumbs onto the floor, ask for what you need, and be grateful for whatever help they offer. (Seriously, if they weren't there, postpartum you'd be brushing crumbs on the floor and letting the housework slide anyway.) The MILs, moms, and friends are not going to deprive you of the sweet time with your baby and you'll have a lifetime with your child after they are gone. Really, I think that just about everyone has conceded that when their DH was off to work, having someone there -- however useless and annoying that someone was -- was better than being on her own.

I say take what you can get and don't stress yourself in anticipation of a potentially frustrating visit.

[DCJenn]

Ah, Mrs. K.- the grandparents.

There are some people here who have really cool parents who turned into massively assholian grandparents. Like the whole "I raised you and you turned out OK so it's my turn to just kick back and enjoy the moment" did not enter the equation.

We have some families here who have banned the grandparents or who have been forced to limit interactions to a few hours once or twice a year. Definitely NOT pretty.

and sadly enough, it's not always the ones who are the psycho in-laws. Some mellow out when they realize that WE the parents of said perfect creature in fact do control when the perfect creature gets grandma and grandpa time.

Unfortunately, having grandchildren is a total mindwarp for some people and they turn into crazed lunatics with completely bizarre ideas of what is appropriate or OK.

and then there are those who are generally nice people who just turn off when the grandchildren arrive. Those are the people who show up and just can't fathom that they are not the center of their childs universe anymore.

adding a child to your family changes your relationship w/ your parents and in-laws in deeply profound and completely unpredictable ways. In my case, luckily what was a great relationship got even better. Not everyone has that experience. My very own mother was told by her grandmother to call her Auntie because she didn't want people to know that she was already a grandmother.

Jenn

[MrsK]

Believe me, I know about assholean grandparents. My own father is banned.

I have no doubt that I'll be in here complaining when MIL starts whining that we should send Baby K to boarding school or space camp or whatever just because she wants to pay for it. And I seriously doubt that she will be able to acknolwedge that Baby K is not just another person put on this planet to cater to her whims. I have plenty anxiety about that relationship.

But, at this point, we are not talking about the lifelong relationship with the grandparents. We are talking about untested grandparents coming to "help" for a couple weeks after the birth. The concern is that they will be more a burden than a help. That could be true. Or they could be more helpful than you expect. In either event, they'll be gone in 2 weeks. I still say give it a chance and let them prove that they are asshats before assuming that it will be awful.

[alison]

Ok, MrsK, seeing that we both have strained relationships with our parentals and are in the same boat, let's make a deal: we agree not to complain about our visitors, roll with the punches, and assume they want the best for everyone involved when we come home from the hospital. What do you say?!

[Urowife]

I agree with you, MrsK. If they are coming under the pretense of helping, then my guess is that they will want to help in any way that they can, including boring trips to the store. Yes, there might be unwanted advice, but it seems that Alison has a pretty good relationship with her mom, so I'm sure she'll be able to handle that part. But, she's just worried that the little things her mom does will end up making more of a problem. I think the key here is to find things that she can't "mess up", like folding laundry, grocery runs (trust me, there might be daily trips to the store if you are anything like me).

Yep, your mom has BTDT. Just being with someone who has gone through it will help, in my opinion. I was totally thrown for a loop after the birth of DD - hormonally, emotionally, etc. DD was having trouble nursing which added to it, but just having this new little thing totally dependent on me was completely overwhelming to me. Having my parents there to reassure me that it was completely normal and that things would get better was what I needed. Having meals made and laundry done was great too, but I really enjoyed the company so that I didn't feel alone/lonely (especially after DH went back to work).

But, you know your mom best, so if you think she might not be as much help as you think, you could always say something like, we know we'll need help, but we would also like to get on our own feet pretty soon so that we have plenty of time to bond as a family, etc. That way, if after a week, you'd rather her be gone, you could remind her of that and say it's time for us to be alone. Maybe that would work? And then, if you do want her to stay, I'm sure she would understand that you need her there.

It's hard to give advice about this situation because everybody has a slightly different experience with their newborn and everybody has different relationships with their mom/MIL's. I say, go with your gut knowing your mom, giving yourself the option of having her stay longer than you think you might want right now (until you know how things are going after the baby arrives).

[Urowife]

Ok, MrsK, seeing that we both have strained relationships with our parentals and are in the same boat, let's make a deal: we agree not to complain about our visitors, roll with the punches, and assume they want the best for everyone involved when we come home from the hospital. What do you say?!

Cross posted with you -- I think this sounds like a fantastic plan. Go with the flow -- It will work out!

I agree with everyone else....let your mom know ahead of time what she can do to help you. She will only be there for a couple of weeks, but those are the first weeks of your child's life...of your new life as a family of three....and memories from those weeks will last a lifetime. Let her know what you need help with and what you would like to handle on your own.

[Phoebe]

I agree with everyone else....let your mom know ahead of time what she can do to help you. She will only be there for a couple of weeks, but those are the first weeks of your child's life...of your new life as a family of three....and memories from those weeks will last a lifetime. Let her know what you need help with and what you would like to handle on your own.

ITA. My mom was wonderful with everything all three times. My MIL was watching DD as she slept in her bassinet while on was on the treadmill. All of a sudden I heard some screaming. MIL was flipping out because DD was moving. (Insert rolling eyes emoticon) If your DH has to work after your baby is born, you may want someone there for a week or so. The time factor is negotiable.

[Pollyanna]

but those are the first weeks of your child's life...of your new life as a family of three....and memories from those weeks will last a lifetime.

This is a very good point. I cannot say enough about the importance of nesting. After baby #5 was the first time dh and I ever really had a chance to truly nest as a family. After other babies we had family over all the time, grandparents helping, etc. Due to a variety of circumstances it ended up being dh, I and the kiddos this time. I cannot tell you how much more relaxing postpartum was even though we were still driving the other four to their various activities. I guess my point is, even though your hubby has to go back to work right away, take as many moments as you can for just the three of you even while your mom or mil is there. Take baby for a stroll in the evening, whatever you can do to just decompress and be together.

[Rapunzel]

I love my mom. She tries very hard to be supportive. My mil tries in her own way as well.

But, (big but)

When a baby is born relationships do change somewhat. And, the absolute most important thing any mother can do is evaluate what is in the best interest of her child. Generally speaking, a mother's recovery from childbirth is the most immediate best interest of her child. Different women and different family relationships will cause radically different approaches to that situation.

I will say that for different childbirths (I've had five including twins) I have needed different things. There have been childbirths where I honestly needed to be left alone by all relations. I needed time to bond, time to heal, and to get away from some behaviors (on the part of relatives). There have been childbirths where I wanted my mommy (or mommy-in-law) to come help me and never, ever leave.

It depends on so many factors. It is such a very individual circumstance - and it can very well change for each pregnancy and childbirth you experience.

And, that is why it is so very hard (near impossible) to apply your own very individual experiences or observations about your own relatives to others' situations. It was a mistake that I definitely have made and it is a somewhat common one, I think.

Anyway, for you all.

[Deebs]

I would also prepare your DH a little beforehand. Just as it is going to become his job to identify whether or not you are having issues with postpartum depression or anxiety and get you to your doctor, it is also his job to help should problems arise that you cannot deal with. If you have baby and decide that you need to be alone with the baby, it may become his job to explain to your mom that she is going to need to cut her visit short or stay out of site while helping. My first OB was great at explaining all of this to DH, and explain it to him in a way that was Dr. to Dr., basically telling him that my only jobs were to be healing my own body and learning with baby how to breastfeed. I had no idea before having kids how right she was. After spending five days in the hospital, the only thing I wanted to do for the first day home was be alone with my baby. The IL's begged to come (my mom came the day DH told her to and left the day he told her to) the day my parents left, and he wouldn't let them. By the time they did come, we were in a routine, and I was more physically and emotionally ready to have them there.

If you would have asked me before delivery what my wishes were, I would have said for both families to come the day I got out of the hospital and stay until they were ready to go. There really is no way for you to plan how you're going to feel. I think you do have a good strategy, though, of focusing on your mom's strengths and having her do those things.