receiving help after coming home

[alison]

I would have no qualms about having my dad stay with us for two weeks instead of my mom. I was just closer to him growing up, and he definitely has the instinctively helpful gene.

But I'm guessing it's not possible for me to call home and say "look, I'd prefer it if dad stays with us instead of mom." I guess it's a societal norm, and everyone assumes that women want their mom or MIL to help them out (including my dad), but man, both dh and I would prefer the grandpa stays with us postpartum instead of grandma...

There is no good way to express that to my parents, is there?

[SuzySunshine]

Is he coming to? Maybe you can just let them know you'd prefer they both come. Would that help?

Do you think your dad could come for a visit a few weeks later?

[alison]

My dad's coming down with my mom when the baby arrives, but only staying for a couple of days in a hotel with her. Then, when my dad goes back home, she's moving in with us for two weeks thereafter.

My dad's self employed, so he's pretty flexible. My inlaws are coming in mid-September (less than two weeks after my mom plans to leave), so I think dh and I could probably use a little break between my mom's and that visit...

I hope my dad can come down on his own at some point. That would actually be fun. He's a fun person to be around, has actually accepted that dh and I are adults, and doesn't freak out about little details.

Someone mentioned trips to Babies R Us and Target...I'd forgotten how much I was sending my mom out for things in the first week or two. She lives locally so it wasn't a question of her being a houseguest, but for those of you who have people coming who may not be very domestic, or whom you need a break from, having them there to run an errand, if they are reliable for that, could feel very valuable.

I thought I had bought so many things ahead, but in the immediate aftermath, new things kept cropping up. Of course, you'd have to have a certain relationship with the person you're sending out to ask them to get you nipple shields.

But just generally, if there's a need for pediatrician appointments, new prescriptions, bottle accessories when you didn't think you'd be using bottles that early, etc. it can be great to have an extra person around to help you get things or get around as needed.

[Sheherezade]

No better advice than you've already received, Alison. I just wanted to reassure you that there are many of us out there who would question the helpfulness of having our parents stay after the baby comes. My thesis advisor liked to tell me the story of how her mom came to "help" her and ended up sitting in a grocery store on a bench waiting for someone to take her groceries to the car for her. She didn't speak English well. The store called my thesis advisor at home to come get her mom and her groceries with her one day old baby in tow. Her advice: do it yourself!!

[Flynn]

This thread is an education! I didn't want much help after DD was born but I wish I had accepted more. On the other hand I completely agree with the advice given -- some parents aren't that helpful so it's just more work for YOU.

Alison, I imagine you'll be exhausted both mentally and physically but also totally ELATED at the same time. I agree that giving your mom "jobs" she can manage so she feels helpful and you don't feel put upon is a good strategy.



I have a friend who is still annoyed that her mom made her cook, clean and do the errands post delivery while SHE held her new grandaughter. When her second child was born, my friend's husband took ten days off and nobody could spend the night or stay for a meal unless they were in charge of buying take out or cooking the meal. The funny thing was, her parents LIKED knowing what the couple expected. They bought take out three nights in a row, didn't spend the night and it ended up being a win win.

Good luck!!!!

I have to agree, this has been an incredibly interesting/entertaining post. Obviously everyone's situations and relationships are different and need to be tended to differently. I am not a mother so can't speak from any experience, but my only unsolicited advice would be to be honest. Honest with yourself, your guests, your husband about expectations and how you are feeling after. Holding in your feelings may only add resentment towards people that are only trying to help.

I hope you have happy and healthy deliveries. If the only issue that comes of a new addition to the family....is too much family around to visit and help...it's not the worse problem to have.

Good Luck Everyone!

[alison]

Thank you all for your input on this! I feel like it's waste of energy to just ASSUME that my mom isn't going to be helpful in the way that I want her to be. At the same time, I feel like I have no control over the whens and whats of delivery and bringing the baby home, that I want there to be SOMETHING that I can control... Why not make my mom the target?

Word has finally gotten around at dh's work that I'm expecting within a couple of weeks. He started his job at the beginning of August. The plan was that he wouldn't take any time off, except for my labor, delivery, and driving me home, but over the past couple of days he's gotten a lot of grief from his colleagues for that plan!!! I know dh secretly hopes that the delivery coincides with Labor Day, so that maybe, JUST MAYBE, he won't have to miss work. I understand. It's got to be hard to take off time during your first month on the job!

[moonlight]

Alison- thank goodness for level headed co-workers. It sounds like your DH has lucked out. I betcha they will browbeat him into taking a couple days off after the baby comes. Ahhhh the world can still be a kind rational place.... if only our husband were as well.....

[SuzySunshine]

He didn't think they would notice when you gave labor in an area he covers? I'm glad his co-workers seem willing to help out!

[alison]

He didn't think they would notice when you gave labor in an area he covers? I'm glad his co-workers seem willing to help out!

I know, I know! I think he's had the new guy jitters. We have different last names, so it isn't immediately obvious that we're together. Still, I'm sure it won't take people very long to figure it out.

I'm grateful that people are so helpful. Of course dh is making sure that he's the last one to leave at night, and the one volunteering to teach the childbirth classes. It's not easy to see him so seldomly right now, but I know it's te right thing to do.

I think he is taking "Labor" Day a little too literally.

[alison]

I think he is taking "Labor" Day a little too literally.

There's no way this baby is coming out on Labor Day. I'm at 3cm.

[SuzySunshine]

I assume you think its coming before then? Don't get your hopes or stress up, I have a friend who was at 3 for a month - literally. Hang in there!