Toddler Sleep: I'm done

[SoonerTexan]

Does she "negotiate" at all? (Even though I know you aren't supposed to negotiate with terrorists )

[scrub-jay]

No judgement here Kris!!

Every kid is so different, keep trying to take steps toward *your* goal/need even if they are tiny baby steps. Hang in there, we're all in your corner.

[Sheherezade]

This was ages ago for us, but Penelope Leach's idea that after bedtime everything becomes very boring worked for us. I'd do an hour of a lot of nothing. Reading in a chair mostly in semi darkness and let my toddler wander out to investigate as needed. Then I'd put them back to bed immediately. After a few days, they'd just figure there was nothing they were missing and head to bed without a fuss. It was hard to put off all the work I had to do (like dishes, etc) for that bedtime farce, but it convinced the kid that mom was not that interesting to hang with after she said goodnight.

FWIW, number two was much easier for us. Shared room with her older brother and she was perfectly content to follow his lead in trusting "bedtime".

Hope you only have to fight this battle once. It DOES happen eventually, promise.

[metroguy]

my kids still can't sleep independently-- i have dd4.5 and dd2.5 both of them sleep either with me or mama or grandma. initially, the older dd used to sleep by herself but after second dd, it was much easier to have them sleep with each other. also, after all the kids go to sleep, i wake up an hour later and watch tv, internet, etc.. it sort of works for us, and not much fighting about going to sleep.

[diggitydot]

Each kid can be so different. Just hang in there be remember that no kid leaves for college with their pacifiers, bottles, blankies, or mommies. They'll get wherever they need to be in their own way and their own timeframe.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

What happens when you're traveling? I know this is so, so hard, but you're not going to damage her by helping her learn to self soothe. I hope you get sleep tonight.

DH or the nanny lies with her. She usually travels with me though or has until recently.

I know it'll happen eventually. I just wish I wasn't making this change because of work/DH's work. It's a pain for me to lie on her floor pregnant but I'd do it in a heartbeat if that was realistic. With DH leaving in 3 weeks and work being HORRIBLE, I simply can't spare the time or I'll literally never get to bed. I feel good about this choice and I would do it eventually, I don't like being forced to do it 6 months earlier than I would otherwise.

Last night she kept pointing where I usually lay down and saying "bed, sleep". She was SO upset. I've never let her cry that long, ever. She kept getting off her bed and turning on her light and then wailing back on her bed. She would be almost asleep within the minute I was in there (she only napped for an hour yesterday) and then I would leave and she'd be awake all over again.

[GrayMatterWife]

She kept getting off her bed and turning on her light and then wailing back on her bed.

Unscrew the light bulb. My three-year-old started this nonsense a couple of months ago where she would get up in the middle of the night, go into the bathroom that is connected with the bedroom she and her sister share, take a pile of books with her...and READ. At 11:00 PM! AFTER she'd gone to bed and had fallen asleep. The kid is this weird night owl. She didn't wake anyone up, and she was super-quiet about it. The only reason I found out was that I had to go into that bathroom to fetch something one night, and discovered her on the bathroom floor, books spread out like a picnic.

You should have seen the look on her face! I think she thought I was going to yell. Honestly, I was so impressed with how well she'd kept her little secret to herself, I couldn't be mad. And hey, the kid was breaking the rules to READ. It's not like she was snorting lines of coke.

So, I just unscrewed the bulbs and put her back in bed. She has a good nightlight, so she could still see to go to the bathroom.

POSTSCRIPT:

The next night, I went in to check on the girls about 11:00 PM. What do I find?? My three-year-old, wide awake, hunched under the light of the nightlight, books spread out like a picnic.

***sigh!!!*** So, then I had to bring down the boom...

[HouseofWool]

POSTSCRIPT:

The next night, I went in to check on the girls about 11:00 PM. What do I find?? My three-year-old, wide awake, hunched under the light of the nightlight, books spread out like a picnic.

***sigh!!!*** So, then I had to bring down the boom...

Hysterical!

[spotty_dog]

I feel good about this choice and I would do it eventually, I don't like being forced to do it 6 months earlier than I would otherwise.

I wanted to nurse my firstborn for a full two years. But once I was pregnant, it got really painful and there was just no way any more. I wasn't completely happy to be making the decision in that way and yet I was comfortable with the decision. It HAD to happen, so that allowed me to empathize with my little one, and soothe him, and help him work through any feelings he had about weaning abruptly, but still stick to my guns and not waver.

So I hope this change in your sleep routine is similar for you. Your conviction will carry you far, and hopefully it will allow you to stay connected with your little one even through a tough change like this.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Unscrew the light bulb.

Not going to do that. She's turning on the light because she's scared and upset. If she's still doing it in a couple of weeks, I'll take away her light extender but for now, I'm not going to start taking away everything she's used to. She's still very young and while I'm very, very firm on lots of things, I don't think I want to communicate that she's being punished by removing her light extender. She still needs time to adjust. It's only been one night.

Sitting in the hallway worked, I'm going to try and ease more into that and slowly get out of her room and hopefully with the door closed. But if she wants the door open and stays in bed and goes to sleep, that's fine with me. As long as she's fundamentally obeying the principle (go to sleep), I'm up for some negotiation in how we get there (door open vs. door closed). I can already tell that she has my stubborness - rigidity is going to get me nowhere.

[Pollyanna]

POSTSCRIPT:

The next night, I went in to check on the girls about 11:00 PM. What do I find?? My three-year-old, wide awake, hunched under the light of the nightlight, books spread out like a picnic.

***sigh!!!*** So, then I had to bring down the boom...

I LOVE her and totally support her night owl ways

[HouseofWool]

Not going to do that. She's turning on the light because she's scared and upset. If she's still doing it in a couple of weeks, I'll take away her light extender but for now, I'm not going to start taking away everything she's used to. She's still very young and while I'm very, very firm on lots of things, I don't think I want to communicate that she's being punished by removing her light extender. She still needs time to adjust. It's only been one night.

Sitting in the hallway worked, I'm going to try and ease more into that and slowly get out of her room and hopefully with the door closed. But if she wants the door open and stays in bed and goes to sleep, that's fine with me. As long as she's fundamentally obeying the principle (go to sleep), I'm up for some negotiation in how we get there (door open vs. door closed). I can already tell that she has my stubborness - rigidity is going to get me nowhere.

I agree with you on this one, 18 months is very different than 36 months. (I too would loosen the bulb if S were pulling that!)

I would tell D that you are going to be right outside her door (left open or ajar - her preference). She needs to stay in bed and go to sleep, but that you will be right there. The question is how long will you sit there? 5 minutes? 40? (There is no right answer during this transition - just things to think about).

Both of my kids are different. DS10 wants his door closed and DD4 wants her's open. Since they are on the second floor it isn't an issue. But, I am guessing that just hearing you move around the house may be enough reassurance that you are really there and she will go to sleep eventually.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Once I was outside the door and she could see me, she never got back out of bed. I think she was completely panicked. Like where the hell did I go? That's why when I would come back in she'd beg me to sing her Amazing Grace which I've sung every night since she was born...she was trying to re-soothe herself.

I don't know how long I'll sit there. I'm hoping that I'll slowly be able to close the door and it'll be a moot point. I'll keep you guys posted.

If anyone has done the back out of the room process, let me know your approach and how long it took.

Oh yeah, and at 3, totally different story. I know my kid and she certainly has what I call "demon moments" where I can see she is pushing it, this wasn't one of them.

[HouseofWool]

In that case, I would pull a chair to where she can see you and read a book or surf the web while you wait her out. Once she get that it is the new routine, it probably won't take terribly long for her to fall asleep.

After a week or so, you might be able to get away with walking out of the room and telling her that you will be in the kitchen washing dishes (or whatever the case may be) but still leave the door open so she can hear you.

I wish you luck. This is hard for both of you, but harder for you because you will always remember it...

[ladymoreta]

If anyone has done the back out of the room process, let me know your approach and how long it took.

We did this, but we had to start with being right next to the crib, so you're way ahead of us. I think it took about 3 weeks for DS to be okay with it and about 2 weeks for DD. (But we went back to holding them to sleep during sickness or teething if they wanted it, so there were a lot of setbacks.) We started the night with bedtime routine and the retuck (saying goodnight and walking out of the room, closing the door - our ideal scenario). As we walked out, we specified the duration we'd be gone. Initially, it was "I'll be back in one minute if you need me." By the end, it was 5 minutes.

Then, after the retuck period, we'd come back to the crib, pat or pick up to soothe, then lay them down and go to the spot where we'd stay until they went to sleep, moving farther away as they became comfortable. If they cried, we'd make a shushing sound or say soothing words. If they started escalating crying, we'd go back and pat them until they calmed down, then returned to our spot.

If they were playing, the rules changed. We would kind of do a Supernanny thing where we started out laying them back down, giving kisses, and saying good night (no extra song) the first time they stood up. The second time, we told them more sternly "It's bedtime. Lie down." Then we physically laid them back down on the bed. After that, I would tell them "Okay, if you'd like to play, you can play for 2 (or 5 later) minutes. I'll be back when you're ready to sleep." Then I would leave the room and close the door for the duration. They didn't like that at all, so when I returned, they'd usually get serious about going to sleep, and I'd return to my spot.