Early onset of sassiness

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I'm really struggling with how to deal with her - in an age appropriate way or commensurate with her vocabulary and sassiness.

DHs family thought I was so strict and hard on her over the holiday. They think its precocious and cute that she's negotiating. Not going to be cute in a 6 year old...


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[Pollyanna]

Ignore, ignore, ignore then redirect and ignore some more. Seriously, it's not the same as say a sassy tween. When they hit three (maybe) but for sure four I will say, "hmmm, I'm sure you didn't mean to say it like that. Let's try this". Or, "we don't speak that way". I promise that it's not an issue worthy of wasting your bullets until they get older. You need to save your fight for big stuff. And watch your own behaviors. Dh and I can be very silly and sarcastic but that doesn't translate to toddlers or when they try imitating it sounds like they're being rude when they're really not. I've had to tell 2nd and 3rd grade teachers that certain kids of ours were working on sarcasm and if it gets out of hand let us know, lol.

[MrsK]

As for food, you really cannot control what goes in or what comes out. Toddlers cannot be forced to eat or toilet. K1 is a picky eater and he's a born negotiator. I tell him that he needs to take one bite of everything if he wants dessert. He often chooses to forfeit dessert.

[Pollyanna]

As for food, you really cannot control what goes in or what comes out. Toddlers cannot be forced to eat or toilet.

No truer words were ever spoken and once it becomes an issue they win. Says the losing parent on more than one occasion

[SuzySunshine]

Yep, I've given up on food - we serve what we serve they eat what they eat - they get healthy snacks at set times. If they're hungry in between too bad or they can have fruit. Once in a while if we need a transportable snack for the car they get something less healthy but they don't get to eat at random times because they didn't eat their last option.

[Vishenka69]

I'll look up those books on Amazon. I wish letting her go hungry was an option, but she becomes absolutely impossible to be around. And of course DS starts crying when he sees her cry. It's easier to just give her a muffin.

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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

The two examples I gave happen to be food related. She negotiates on everything. Every damn thing.

I just feel like every other sentence out of my mouth is a threat: get dressed or we can't go to story time, get in your bed or mommy will leave and not read you a story, etc.

I'm bored of myself.

I think I need to catch her cooperating more and praise her. Because the constant threats of timeouts, etc is too draining.


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[GreyhoundsRUs]

I do a lot of "do x or 'else'" (usually "else mommy will do it/carry you/etc). Two things that I've really tried to start doing are making her feel compelled for other reasons - "We need to leave now so we can sing the story time song. Won't that be fun?" Or "We probably shouldn't be late to class because it isn't polite". The second is that I have really tried to focus on catching her being good - now (the past two days), she climbs into the car and into her car seat all by herself, and when she gets in, she triumphantly exclaims "Awesome listening!"

Hang in there - it's so much harder with no sleep, a super-needing newborn, and the fact that you have a small window of time to leave the house/do something before the next feeding!

Honestly, my interactions with A were the biggest factor in any feelings of regret I had after having H - I felt like I was suddenly no fun, all business and had no patience or energy for her toddler BS. Then I realized that she's two. A fricking two-year-old who is, by very design and development, the poster child for parental frustration


Wife of a PGY-4 Orthopod

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Honestly, my interactions with A were the biggest factor in any feelings of regret I had after having H - I felt like I was suddenly no fun, all business and had no patience or energy for her toddler BS. Then I realized that she's two. A fricking two-year-old who is, by very design and development, the poster child for parental frustration

Thank you for this. I feel crazy and upset with how frustrated I feel with DD1 when the only thing that changed is that I had a baby.


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[Pollyanna]

I think many of us try the "pound it to fit, paint it to match" form of toddler parenting. We feel like we can certainly make this little person submit to my will. We worry that they are sassy, have poor manners, eat odd foods or only certain colored foods, never sleep, and on and on. We feel like we must fix these issues and fix them now. To not fix these things and a million other issues must mean our child is a problem and we must be bad parents. I know these feelings. I've been there. I think most every parent has been there. But know this, all there behaviors are normal, it is not them we must control it is ourselves. They are toddlers, it is their job to be curious. It is their job to sing, laugh, scream, during the quiet times in church. They will go slower the faster you try to go. They will pick up on our tone and give it back to us 1000%. They are frustrating, exhausting, amazing. They are not all the awful names people thing it's okay to call them nowadays. I type this as I follow my 15 month old around as she explores the house and I see the million things that need to be done and my hair that needs to be washed. Years ago I would have panicked, forced her to follow along and hurry her at every step. Then I would be upset when my child would push back and I'd think what is the problem here, doesn't she get it? Doesn't she know we have to get A B C done so I can get her to Gymboree and have fun damnit! She wasn't the problem, I was the problem. I realize some will be offended by that statement but it's the truth. By changing my behavior and approach I changed by toddlers behavior. I could not force my will but I could calmly make things not an option. I don't negotiate with or punish children under 3. It is unnecessary and ineffective. But I have to think ahead of the child and manipulate situations to make things work out many times. When a toddler says, "I'm not going to bed", I simply respond with, "I know you want to stay up but it's bedtime". No discussion, no negotiation. No frustration or anger from me. That's not to say there isn't then crying, kicking and screaming from said toddler but adding in a mama or dada doing the same thing just adds to everyone's frustration. Practicing patience and being 3 steps ahead of your kiddos now will help when you really need it at around 10, 12, 15, and 17. I know I've said it before but one of my best parenting lessons was learned at Mass. There was a family with a little boy the same age as our oldest. He was adorable and busy. He was at mass every Sunday and nearly every Sunday he'd make a brake for it to the altar. Our Pastor would simply say, "hi, Mikey, there's your dad", as his father would always be running after him. This kid was fast! Many parents would stop trying to go to church but that family kept on. They were so sweet and said as hard as it is going to church was priority one and their sweet toddler would soon get the hang of proper mass etiquette. They were putting first things first. It really wasn't as disruptive as it may sound and that couple was soooo appreciative at the support from the pastor and parishioners. The other family at the same mass had 5 children. They were sweet kids, perfectly lined up, but dad spent many Sundays slapping the but of the 9 month old and quietly snapping at the toddler while glaring at the rest of the children. There was very little joy and certainly no celebration. He was pounding to fit and painting to match. A road I could have easily chosen. A road many chose. But I don't think that road works in the long run and I know from experience that it saps us from much of the great joy that our children bring. Okay, if you've gotten this far I've completely list my original point as I type in my iPhone and chase dd1. I guess in the end my best advice is from Steve (Blues Clues): stop, breath, and think. It will get you through 95% of parenting. Decide who you want your child to be and become that person because the things you like least about yourself will be reflected back to you in them times 1000. And as they get older be honest with them about those things. There is no job as humbling and humiliating many times but it's doable most days and when it's not get help and if you can't get help call everyone in sick and step off the world for 24 hours, it's okay, no one will miss you.

[SuzySunshine]

Thank you for this. I feel crazy and upset with how frustrated I feel with DD1 when the only thing that changed is that I had a baby.

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This was me with A and I honestly think I took away part of her childhood with it. I got so frustrated/angry with her with R was born and I now see that R and I's relationship is so much better at 4 then A and I's ever was. BIG BIG hugs to all of you with toddlers and babies, its hard work.

I have worked REALLY hard to not let my frustration show and sometimes it still does but its amazing the responses I get when it doesn't. Hang in there girls!

[spotty_dog]

Decide who you want your child to be and become that person because the things you like least about yourself will be reflected back to you in them times 1000. And as they get older be honest with them about those things.

I love your parenting style so hard.

Mostly, this. I try to approach each and every situation as a model to my child. I ask myself, when someone is pissing off my child years down the road, how do I want him to react? With yelling and frustration? Or with patience and politeness? It's far from easy and I do a lot of explaining to my kids now about why you're not really supposed to scream at people in words meant to shame them and then stomp away to seethe. Parenting a toddler, like anything else, is about slipping up, forgiving yourself, and then facing a new day with renewed intentions. But I mostly try to remember that they're new to this world. Nobody ever told them that, for example, "That's nice, but" was a disrespectful way to talk to a parent. So...tell her! "Ack, those words are rude. I told you that because it is important and I need for you to say 'Okay mommy'." (And cross-check...IS it important? Are you willing to die on this hill of two bites of broccoli? I don't give direct commands unless it's something I can enforce and with the quickness.)

That toddler looks huge next to a brand new sibling, huh? Ooh, here from my journal when DD was one day old, DS was 27 months: "DH went to run errands and I thought E___ would be napping. Turned out he was too overtired (and constipated) to sleep so he was completely nuts, screaming at me, hitting me, hitting the baby. It was...tiring. High point being the boy needing help on the toilet and telling me to put the baby down while the baby screamed and needed to nurse despite having been nursing for the past half hour straight." When she was four days: "The last day or so has been like a caricature of life with two kids: the screaming and the juggling and the feeding and the fussing and the ridiculous levels of toddler defiance."

*hugs* It gets better, it really does.

[Vishenka69]

This was me with A and I honestly think I took away part of her childhood with it. I got so frustrated/angry with her with R was born and I now see that R and I's relationship is so much better at 4 then A and I's ever was. BIG BIG hugs to all of you with toddlers and babies, its hard work.

I have worked REALLY hard to not let my frustration show and sometimes it still does but its amazing the responses I get when it doesn't. Hang in there girls!

This is me, every single day. Also makes me sad.

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[Sheherezade]

I'd just like to add that we all know there are demonstrated differences between first kids and last kids (and middle kids, too). Obviously, what we do as parents has life long effects - BUT try to remember that all research shows that for every strength a first child has, there is a balancing weakness. More successful, more stressed.

I only point this out because no matter how you raise them, there will be advantages and disadvantages in the end. And also so you know that this experience with an older kid vs. a later child is pretty universal.

It will all balance out in the end. Remember, they had you all to themselves for a time, your youngest will never have that.


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