Emotions, Drama, and a Strong Will

[MrsK]

Oh Lambie. Why can't they see that doing these things hurts them?? We had to come up with a new system because taking things away was making things harder for all of us, and it just wasn't working for her when she started telling us she didn't want those things anyway. Mondays tend to be rough here, but fortunately today wasn't so bad! I'm still holding onto hope that we will all make it through these phases alive and relatively undamaged.

What’s the new system? This is the last stop before putting her (and me) in a straight jacket.

In general, I think Lambie wants the things. She likes stuff and sparkle and all the things. But I don’t know if she can restrain herself.

[alotofyarn]

What’s the new system? This is the last stop before putting her (and me) in a straight jacket.

In general, I think Lambie wants the things. She likes stuff and sparkle and all the things. But I don’t know if she can restrain herself.

We're just using a sticker chart for positive reinforcement right now. She gets stickers for things like getting dressed the first time I ask, finishing her dinner, cleaning up after herself, helping her brother, and more. We'll go out for ice cream when she fills it up. Some days she gets several stickers, some days she gets none.

[alotofyarn]

Also, I am trying to remember to use these: https://www.mother.ly/child/20-phras...isnt-listening

[MrsK]

We're just using a sticker chart for positive reinforcement right now. She gets stickers for things like getting dressed the first time I ask, finishing her dinner, cleaning up after herself, helping her brother, and more. We'll go out for ice cream when she fills it up. Some days she gets several stickers, some days she gets none.

Yeah, we’ve always done a version of that. She doesn’t care. She’s the baby and she’d rather whine until her brothers do her chores for her. She’ll forfeit the sticker to them in exchange for their coddling.

I just discovered that she reset my alarm clock last night too.


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[MrsK]

Also, I am trying to remember to use these: https://www.mother.ly/child/20-phras...isnt-listening

I do my best to speak calmly and be positive with the children. However, a lot of the phrases listed in this article are just too wordy for my kids. My eldest especially has ADHD and we have been advised by various professionals to keep instructions brief, even one word if possible, and to repeat ourselves often. So, it’s not unusual for instructions to be “no” “stop” “go” “shoes”. With the other two kids when we are one-on-one, I am more expansive in my directions.

[alotofyarn]

Yeah, we’ve always done a version of that. She doesn’t care. She’s the baby and she’d rather whine until her brothers do her chores for her. She’ll forfeit the sticker to them in exchange for their coddling.

I just discovered that she reset my alarm clock last night too.

Siblings definitely complicate things. E constantly does things for C after I tell him no, or encourages him to do something that will get him in trouble. I've started giving her time out too if he does something to break the rules that she told him to do.

I do my best to speak calmly and be positive with the children. However, a lot of the phrases listed in this article are just too wordy for my kids. My eldest especially has ADHD and we have been advised by various professionals to keep instructions brief, even one word if possible, and to repeat ourselves often. So, it’s not unusual for instructions to be “no” “stop” “go” “shoes”. With the other two kids when we are one-on-one, I am more expansive in my directions.

I can see that. Mostly it's a good reminder for me, because I feel like I'm on repeat some days - be quiet, stop yelling, stop hurting your brother, why aren't you listening to me, why do I have to keep asking you?

[MsSassyBaskets]

I also feel like the meanest mom in the world. I just really don’t know what else to do. Seems logical to take away All The Nice Things if she’s destroying them but, boy, this is rough on mama.


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You are being 100% reasonable. Fortunately my DD has never really been very destructive, but if I see her mistreating an item (putting things in her mouth, breaking something, using an inappropriate item as a tool, etc.) I ask her to stop once and give a simple explanation ("That's not food, it doesn't go in your mouth."; "I don't want you to hurt/break X." "That's not a safe way to use X".). Then the second time she loses the item indefinitely. I do it every. single. time. If she's in a place where she can handle longer explanations, I talk to her about treating her things or our home with respect, that it's not OK to be wasteful or break things. If she breaks an item on purpose, even just because she's 3 and she's experimenting, she doesn't get another one. Ever. Period.

Embrace your mean mom self.

[MsSassyBaskets]

And BTW ALOY, we're going through much of the same drama and strong will too. The whining, OMG the whining! DD literally practices her overdramatic cries and whines and sad faces in the mirror. I'm trying to just chalk it up to a phase and power through, but DH and I did put together a strategy which involved extra attending to good and even neutral behavior, 100% ignoring whining and benign negative behavior (still correcting/redirecting more aggressive negative behavior but ignoring anything non-harmful) and doing reward charts/checklists for daily tasks. It has had a small but noticeable impact so far, and things are getting smoother.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I have zero wisdom because I am in the 4yo trenches too but this is vaguely reassuring that I'm not raising a serial killer. D is my child who EVERYONE adores, thinks is so cute and funny, etc and she's a complete demon at home. Literally 95% of my friends are like, she is the CUTEST, she's perfectly perfect in every way. Only the 5% who've seen her at home know the daily exorcism we go through at home. I finally took her to a psych because I was disturbed by her non-existent working memory and we are having some testing done. I suspect ADHD inattentive type but we shall see.

I have days where I think I must be crazy/just a terrible parent for not being able to deal with her but then when M gets home and can't deal with her either...I know it's not just me.

[MrsK]

Emotions, Drama, and a Strong Will

I have zero wisdom because I am in the 4yo trenches too but this is vaguely reassuring that I'm not raising a serial killer. D is my child who EVERYONE adores, thinks is so cute and funny, etc and she's a complete demon at home. Literally 95% of my friends are like, she is the CUTEST, she's perfectly perfect in every way. Only the 5% who've seen her at home know the daily exorcism we go through at home. I finally took her to a psych because I was disturbed by her non-existent working memory and we are having some testing done. I suspect ADHD inattentive type but we shall see.

I have days where I think I must be crazy/just a terrible parent for not being able to deal with her but then when M gets home and can't deal with her either...I know it's not just me.

That’s what S was like as a 4yo. It’s getting better. At least you know she knows how to act. S is a high social monitor and eager to please. He lets his guard down with me and he can be just awful to me and his siblings. Usually, a “do you treat your friends that way?” Or “what would your friends say if they saw you?” will do the trick to get him in line. Also, “are you being helpful?”

BTW, am *I* raising a serial killer?


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[MrsK]

Emotions, Drama, and a Strong Will

FWIW, I have absolutely the most atrocious 4yo children. The boys were just incorrigible at this age too. But it does get better.

Lambie and I have been at odds all day. She woke up asking for her baby doll and said the doll was crying for her when I reminded her that she needed to earn the doll back. She’s been asking for rewards for nothing all day (which have been denied). She was uncooperative during breakfast, refusing to eat, so she was hungry while we were running errands this morning. She was uncooperative, getting into mischief, at the store and post office so she didn’t get to go to the museum this morning. She was rude at the bank so she didn’t get to choose her lunch. She’s been having tantrums, yelling at me and shoving me all day. I’ve been calmly reminding her that she’s not going to win her privileges or things back if she continues to misbehave.

I really need some encouragement if I have to keep this up.


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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

No one is actually raising a serial killer. I just feel so alone sometimes since everyone thinks she’s perfect. And then I honestly cringe when she wakes up right now because I can hear her fussing before she’s even at her bedroom door.


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[scarlett09]

I have no advice, as you have gotten some good nuggets from others.

I offer my empathy and my encouragement to you. I think you’re a fantastic mom, and I know you’ve got this, because I have “seen” you handle other things so deftly.

Hang in there!


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[MrsK]

The whole day has been a battle of wills. I just removed her from a class (not gymnastics) where she was disrupting class by standing on her head. She took off her shoes and made a run for it as soon as we got out the door. I caught her, forced her onto a bench, and told her if she couldn't behave in class, we would have to sit on the bench until the boys are done. She attempted to argue but finally returned to class once she understood I wasn't changing my mind. Now she is back in class and I had to intervene after the teacher repeatedly asked her to do something and she refused.

My whole body aches.

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[MsSassyBaskets]

The whole day has been a battle of wills. I just removed her from a class (not gymnastics) where she was disrupting class by standing on her head. She took off her shoes and made a run for it as soon as we got out the door. I caught her, forced her onto a bench, and told her if she couldn't behave in class, we would have to sit on the bench until the boys are done. She attempted to argue but finally returned to class once she understood I wasn't changing my mind. Now she is back in class and I had to intervene after the teacher repeatedly asked her to do something and she refused.

My whole body aches.

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Yep, I permanently removed mine from a gymnastics class for being disruptive. There were other disruptive girls too, and she was being a follower. The other parents and teacher didn't intervene. We'll try again when she's a little older. Stay strong!