Emotions, Drama, and a Strong Will

[MrsK]

Sheesh, I’m literally sitting across the hall from her bedroom. DrK came home and was speaking with me and half closed the door. She snuck out of her room, went to the kitchen and stole a carton of blueberries. I caught her before she could get them up to her room. She was scarfing them down in our laundry room and left the fridge wide open.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[JDAZ11]

I left out that she also drew all over my car interior with an indelible crayon she snuck out of a restaurant.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

Totally unhelpful- but my sneaky kid is always trying to do this. I hate those crayons!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MrsK]

Sheesh, I’m literally sitting across the hall from her bedroom. DrK came home and was speaking with me and half closed the door. She snuck out of her room, went to the kitchen and stole a carton of blueberries. I caught her before she could get them up to her room. She was scarfing them down in our laundry room and left the fridge wide open.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I'm constantly having to stop MILK from collecting all the crayons at restaurants and bringing them home. No, the kids don't need those crayons. They have plenty of washable ones at home.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

[MrsK]

We were having such a good day today. But then I discovered she cut holes in her leggings the other day.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

[Meenah]

My age old advice:

This will be a repeat for some of you, and others may remember me from way back when.
When the little ones reach four, they can scream / cry / throw fits, but you CANNOT yet reason with them.

AKA:

The terrible twos
The Trying Threes
The Fuc#ing Fours

Good luck to all of you, it does get better (in about 20 years).

[MrsK]

My age old advice:

This will be a repeat for some of you, and others may remember me from way back when.
When the little ones reach four, they can scream / cry / throw fits, but you CANNOT yet reason with them.

AKA:

The terrible twos
The Trying Threes
The Fuc#ing Fours

Good luck to all of you, it does get better (in about 20 years).

I repeat this to myself almost daily.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

[JDAZ11]

This makes me want to cry.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MrsK]

This makes me want to cry.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

It does get better. My boys were horrible 4yos. Then they start school and get civilized.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

[MrsK]

So, it’s been a month since I emptied her bedroom. So far, she’s only earned back a couple items including her bedding and her American girl baby doll. She has since gotten her hands on another indelible marker and drawn all over the bedding (again) and all over the face of her doll! I discovered the doll tonight and DrK says she should keep it just as it is (hideous) to remind her not to destroy her things. Now she’s crying because she’s destroyed her own doll. She also drew all over the screen of K2’s tablet and he’s hysterical.

I’ve told her that in lieu of birthday and hannukah gifts, she’s going to have to replace the things she’s ruined starting with K2’s tablet, the bedding, and my make up. I remember once as a preteen accidentally spilling nail polish remover on a toilet seat and having to replace the toilet seat in lieu of a hannukah gift. Here she’s 4yo and she’s deliberately defacing everything.

I’ve hidden all the markers and scissors yet she’s still managed to find things to cut the sofa and her hair, to draw on walls and pictures. She does these things when others are watching her. I’m worried she’ll be breaking my jewelry or drawing on our paintings next. What do I do?

[PrincessFiona]

I’m sorry. Amanda was like this. She colored on everything. Once, on the way to preschool, she found my sharpie in my lab coat and colored on her vulva and stomach while I was driving. I was reported over that. It does get better.

Kris


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Pollyanna]

First, lots of love to you! This is exhausting behavior to say the least! Know that it won’t last forever!!! My reply is just kind of a stream
Of consciousness of my thoughts and you’ve likely done all of this stuff!
Would it be correct to say she has very little impulse control? Where is she in terms of diagnosis/therapy/medication? I would argue that punishments like taking away presents or toys likely won’t be effective because she probably doesn’t make the connection unless punishment is in the moment. In essence, the extended consequences become a punishment for you because you have to manage them and they don’t help her to improve behavior.
What is happening when she is her best self? What brings that out in her? I would try to do that as much as possible. I know this will be contrary to popular opinion but I probably wouldn’t punish the destruction. I wouldn’t encourage or allow it so much as I would talk to her about the fact that you know she feels bad and didn’t want to ruin her toys. Really try to bring home the idea that while the action is destructive SHE is not. Try to get out of her how she feels in the moment and encourage her to come to you when she feels like that so you can help her do something else. Hammering nails, painting the walls of the garage, something to satisfy the impulsivity. Basically normalizing her feelings and needs.
If she has times that you can identify as the most difficult for her I’d try to hire a helper to get through those periods of the afternoon. You needs more hands because you just can’t be everywhere.
Anyway, like I said, these are just stream of consciousness thoughts and how I approach similar struggles in our home.
Hang in there mama!!

[PrincessFiona]

Emotions, Drama, and a Strong Will

First, lots of love to you! This is exhausting behavior to say the least! Know that it won’t last forever!!! My reply is just kind of a stream
Of consciousness of my thoughts and you’ve likely done all of this stuff!
Would it be correct to say she has very little impulse control? Where is she in terms of diagnosis/therapy/medication? I would argue that punishments like taking away presents or toys likely won’t be effective because she probably doesn’t make the connection unless punishment is in the moment. In essence, the extended consequences become a punishment for you because you have to manage them and they don’t help her to improve behavior.
What is happening when she is her best self? What brings that out in her? I would try to do that as much as possible. I know this will be contrary to popular opinion but I probably wouldn’t punish the destruction. I wouldn’t encourage or allow it so much as I would talk to her about the fact that you know she feels bad and didn’t want to ruin her toys. Really try to bring home the idea that while the action is destructive SHE is not. Try to get out of her how she feels in the moment and encourage her to come to you when she feels like that so you can help her do something else. Hammering nails, painting the walls of the garage, something to satisfy the impulsivity. Basically normalizing her feelings and needs.
If she has times that you can identify as the most difficult for her I’d try to hire a helper to get through those periods of the afternoon. You needs more hands because you just can’t be everywhere.
Anyway, like I said, these are just stream of consciousness thoughts and how I approach similar struggles in our home.
Hang in there mama!!

I agree about punishments needing to be in the moment. Tara is wise.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[MrsK]

First, lots of love to you! This is exhausting behavior to say the least! Know that it won’t last forever!!! My reply is just kind of a stream
Of consciousness of my thoughts and you’ve likely done all of this stuff!
Would it be correct to say she has very little impulse control? Where is she in terms of diagnosis/therapy/medication? I would argue that punishments like taking away presents or toys likely won’t be effective because she probably doesn’t make the connection unless punishment is in the moment. In essence, the extended consequences become a punishment for you because you have to manage them and they don’t help her to improve behavior.
What is happening when she is her best self? What brings that out in her? I would try to do that as much as possible. I know this will be contrary to popular opinion but I probably wouldn’t punish the destruction. I wouldn’t encourage or allow it so much as I would talk to her about the fact that you know she feels bad and didn’t want to ruin her toys. Really try to bring home the idea that while the action is destructive SHE is not. Try to get out of her how she feels in the moment and encourage her to come to you when she feels like that so you can help her do something else. Hammering nails, painting the walls of the garage, something to satisfy the impulsivity. Basically normalizing her feelings and needs.
If she has times that you can identify as the most difficult for her I’d try to hire a helper to get through those periods of the afternoon. You needs more hands because you just can’t be everywhere.
Anyway, like I said, these are just stream of consciousness thoughts and how I approach similar struggles in our home.
Hang in there mama!!

That’s the thing. She’s not impulsive. She explores the house and squirrels away the pens, nail polish, toothpaste, scissors, chewing gum, etc and hides them in her room. Then she takes them out when she’s supposed to be sleeping and sets to work drawing on everything, cutting her hair and toys, etc. It’s really more exploration/creative expression than anything. My youngest brother was like this too; small appliances would disappear from the house and reappear in a million pieces under his bed. It’s the McGyver gene that my father, grandfather, and K1 have also.

Otherwise, she is willful and defiant and has an extremely expressive vocabulary. She has no verbal filter so I’d say that she is impulsive there —- telling people that their babies are ugly and whatnot — but sometimes I think she says these things because she enjoys the reaction. She is not destructive or defiant at school though. Her teacher says that she can see where Lambie has a stubborn streak and likes things her way, but she is rarely uncooperative with the main classroom teacher. However, she gets very upset when she has to transition away from art/craft time. This has been a problem since her toddler nursery school days. I try to allow appropriate time for crafting and even do that with her, but then she’ll start hiding markers and scissors and that’s when things get out of control.

When were are out in public or among friends, she is spoiled. Every time I try to tell her no, someone swoops in and rescues her. For instance, she had a tantrum in a cafe the other day because her sandwich was not what she expected. While I was trying to talk to her about problem and how to use polite words to get what she wanted, the server returned to the table with a new plate for her, candy, and praise. This happens All. The. Time.

She does well with reasoning. Today, she was having a fit in the dining room at my mother’s home. (Picture a fancy dining room buffet full of senior citizens, my daughter on the floor, clinging to DrK’s pant-leg, and screaming at the top of her lungs.). I scooped her up and took her out of the room, found a quiet place to sit, and talked to her about her “problem”. We discussed how she didn’t want to eat the foods DrK put on her plate and what she could do about it. She knew she could eat just the things she wanted. She knew that DrK only put those things on her plate because he was trying to get her to eat a healthy meal and that she was not telling him what she wanted when they were in the buffet line. We discussed polite words (yes please, no thank you, I’m sorry) and what she might like to eat. She wanted a donut, eggs, bacon, and cantaloupe. I suggested we have a “do over” where she would use polite words to get what she wanted. She happily went through the line saying “yes, please” and “no, thank you” for each item, got the meal she wanted, then apologized to DrK when she returned to the table. (Of course, my mom saw the donut and thought I gave Lambie her way after her tantrum but I don’t think allowing a do over is the same as giving in.)

But, in the case where she has destroyed something, there is no “do over” unless the item is replaced all together. And I’m not about to replace things or return things to her only to have them destroyed. So, she’s got a doll who looks like it’s had it’s face tattooed and she’s really upset about it. When I asked her why she did that, she said that she felt like the doll needed hair and eyelashes, teeth and ear drums. (She’s drawing teeth on everything since she had her dental surgery.). She thought she was improving her doll and it didn’t occur to her that she had ruined it until she saw my reaction.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

FWIW, I think you're doing a great job with the natural consequence of "you made your doll look like that so now you have to live with it".

We are also working with D on "using words" instead of launching into a fit or meltdown at every turn. She's about to be 5. I just don't understand why we are STILL having these conversations after 3 years but here we are. Allegedly it was supposed to get better by now but I haven't seen it. R has progressed more than she has in this respect. It's absolutely maddening.

[MsSassyBaskets]

Well, here we go again. I'm jumping right back on this bandwagon. We just managed to get to a good place after all the changes of moving, switching schools, etc. this summer, and suddenly we're right back in a drama and meltdowns phase again. I'm guessing this one has to do with the baby on the way.

Last time we really worked at reinforcing good behavior, mostly ignoring bad behavior, and a basic reward chart. She improved SO quickly. We let some of the positive stuff slide as things got better, so of course now we're back in a negative cycle of getting too much attention for negative things. I'm so tired.

She's throwing hysterical, overdramatic crying tantrums when she wants something - they're theatrical enough to cause some eye rolls. We're trying to be gently empathetic about the things she's telling us, while not reinforcing the actual tantrums. Which is a very fine line.

Then there's the defiant, angry reactions to being corrected. Last night DH and I both had to tell her to stop climbing on the back of the couch (it's right by a window and I don't want her to fall or kick into the glass). So the second time I physically removed her from the couch. She threw a huge physical tantrum and I carried her upstairs to her room to her "calm down place". My symphysis pubis dysfunction has just started getting bad, and I was laid up for the rest of the night after that, so I obviously can't keep physically moving or holding her.

I guess I know what helped last time, so we're going to go back to reward and reinforcement for good behavior, but I'm just so frustrated and tired. It's always about stupid, routine things. Getting dressed. Washing hands. Staying in her seat for dinner. She has even started testing boundaries when were walking in a parking lot - she knows how serious it is but will do a really pathetic pretend "escape" and throw a tantrum just to make us take control and show her we aren't going to let her go something unsafe. It's so bizarre - she even gives me a very knowing look when she does it, she's definitely seeking out the attention it brings. I've been losing it a lot with her and scolding a lot, so I probably need to stop that because it's reinforcing her. Ugh ugh ugh. Whyyyy, kid? Give me a freaking break!