Introduction (and needing some support)

[rain_dancer]

Hi All! I'm a brand new member after stumbling upon this wonderful site while looking for internet info regarding my husband's chosen profession. Some basic info about me and my hubby: We're originally from Colorado (and hoping to get back someday!) but are now in St Louis for med school (Go Cards!). My husband is in his last yr of med school and is currently on the road interviewing for neurosurgery residencies. Meanwhile, I'm a PA working in general surgery and the mom to two loving kitties (Torrey and Lady). They are good company while DH is away!

Anyway, I'm having a hard time coming to terms with DH's decision to pursue neurosurgery. I thought I had finally accepted it, but as Match Day gets closer, and residency and the life beyond become more realistic, I'm starting to freak out again. My husband truly has a passion for neuro and I know he'll need my support, esp over the next 7 yrs, but having a family life has always been my number one priority and I have a real fear that this may not be possible. In addition, working as a PA in surgery, while I am blessed because I have an idea of what to expect, I am also cursed for the same reason. While our hospital doesn't have a neurosurgeon, the two general surgeons I work with have not been shy in telling me (seemingly as often as they can) how hard neurosurgeons work and how you "couldn't pay (them) enough money" to have that kind of life. Additionally, our ENT actually started out in neurosurgery, and has told me that he and his wife feel that changing to ENT was the best decision he's ever made. All in all, this leaves me really scared for the future.

This is something I feel like I can't talk to others about. The general perception seems to be "What are you so worried about? You're going to be married to a neurosurgeon! You're set for life." Which is SO upsetting to me. I didn't marry a neurosurgeon. I married my college sweetheart who decided after 10 yrs together and 5 yrs of marriage that he wanted to be a neurosurgeon. Having him around for me and our (future) children is so much more important to me than any amount of money could be.

Wow, so sorry for the long introduction post. I guess I have a lot more pent-up feelings than I realized. But thank you for this great online community and for any advice/support/encouragement you can offer. I hope to get to know you all!

[MrsK]

Welcome! You've come to the right place. There are a few neurosurgery spouses here and I'm sure they can tell you what it's like. I suspect that they will tell you that neuro is hardcore but they love their husbands, have healthy marriages and happy children nonetheless. Stick around. Post often.

[scrub-jay]

Welcome!! You aren't alone here. And very excited to have another MS4 spouse on the board, we're interviewing here too (although not neurosurg). Post often, we get it.

[L.Jane]

Hi. Just gen surg here, but I get it. Welcome and post often.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Welcome! Urology intern spouse here. We are in the thick of it but it's not that bad despite all the unhelpful comments you've received. I mean, I've had more fun years than the last few months but it's not complete hell like those people are making it out to be.

[diggitydot]

Welcome! We get it. Promise.

I know it's tempting to worry about all the "what ifs" of residency at this point, but it's crazy making. Give yourself a break. Cross the worry bridge when you get there. You've still got the match shitfest to deal with before the residency shitfest. Don't make yourself insane too early. You might find that it was for naught and was a lot of wasted time and energy.

Changing residencies/specialties happens for myriad reasons and the speciality just not being the best fit for the individual doc is probably one of the best reasons for everyone involved. I'm not surprised that the ENT told you it was the best decision they ever made. Can you imagine being in training for THAT long and loathing your work? Talk about hell.

Definitely be prepared, but don't obsess until it's warranted.

[MrsSz]

Welcome!! I have no words of wisdom for your situation, but know that you're among friends here... at all times of the day and night, across the country and across the world, we are here for you

[bokelley]

Welcome. Pgy2 here. Husband fought between neurosurgery and radiology all through medical school, eventually picked rads. I still get headaches when I think about match.

[SuzySunshine]

Welcome! I'm a neurosurgery wife, first year out o training, that also married my college sweetheart, not a neurosurgeon! I will tell you residency is hard, years 2 and 7 were the hardest for us and yes he will always work a lot but we do have a good family life now. He makes it home for dinner 2-3 nights a week and when he's off on weekends he's off. It's so much better then residency was. Ask away and post often.

As for picking a different specialty DH also had people tell him "if you find something you like even as much choose that" He didn't, NSG is his love and his passion. I can't imagine him doing anything else.

Hang in there!

[peggyfromwastate]

ENT wife--- welcome!

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Ortho wife here You're in good company!

[ides]

Welcome. Another wife to a surgeon here.

[MarissaNicole]

Hi! I'm also a nsg spouse. I totally get it and I remember those comments. I went through many ups and downs fourth year and there was no question it was the hardest of med school. I had a lot of anxiety. Some days I was totally okay with that and other days I couldn't sleep. People don't understand how stressful match is let alone the fact that you're worried about whether your spouse will match, and if he does where the hell you'll be going.
Honestly, knowing what you're in for is half the battle. I can't imagine how hard residency would be if I wasn't expecting this. The most helpful thing has been my motto, " expect the worst; hope for the best"
Feel free to share your fears here, I know it helped me so that I could be more supportive of my husband during match. Your husband is stressed now too so he's not the best person to talk to and the average person just doesn't get it. We do.
Residency isn't easy but my husband and I have managed to have our first child at the end of second year. Most people would think that's the worst time but it worked out well for us.
If your husband really loves nsg he probably won't be happy doing anything else. But don't worry all of us nsg spouses have had children during residency, it can be done.

Wife to PGY3

[Cinderella]

No words of advice here. Dh crossed neurosurgery off the list a long time ago. However, this is a great site for support. I hope you stick around.

[ladymoreta]

Welcome! This site is a great resource, and we're here for you when you need us!