HI! New here, hoping for lots of help, especially surgery spouses!

Hi!

So excited to find this network. My boyfriend (hopefully fiancé soon) is a third year medical student, and I'm a third year pharmacy student. He has finally decided on neurosurgery. I'm happy for him because he absolutely loves it, but also freaking out a little bit! NSG is one of the most demanding residencies, both time and energy-wise. I was much happier when he was going the Radiation Oncology route, which has much more regular hours. But alas, he loves his OR. I'm hoping I can get some advice on how this will all go.

1) how do you all deal with the invisibility? I am in a fairly impressive line of work, and will have me doctorate at 24 years old. I'm ultra-proud of my accomplishments, but whenever we meet new people, we go through the same thing "What do you guys do?" "I'm in medical school, going into neurosurgery" "OH WOW that's awesome!! and how about you?" "I'm in pharmacy school." "Oh, cool." like come onnnnn.

2) What's the one piece of advice in dealing with the time constraints? I especially worry about kids. I will be working full time while he's in residency, so will we have to have a nanny? He will almost never be home to help me out. We will almost certainly be away from both of our families too. He has been trying to look at the most family-friendly residencies he can, but who knows where he will end up.

3) Any other advice?

Thank you in advance and looking forward to learning!

[alotofyarn]

Welcome! My hubby is a urology resident and I'm a professor, so we're similar in that we have the crazy busy hours for him and the career for me.

I finished school before he did, so the situation is a little bit different, but we still occasionally get annoying comments about his career and not mine. Mostly I don't care that much - the only time that it occasionally bothers me is when I don't get the appropriate Dr. title and others do. Sometimes people will assume that I don't work, but in general I try not to care too much what other people think about what I do or don't do. My hubby is also pretty good about telling people about me too, which I appreciate.

The time constraints really, really suck. I'm working full time too, and we had our first baby in November. My schedule is super flexible, so we use a traditional daycare and I've shortened my in-office work hours so that I can spend time with her, and I work more at home in the evenings when she sleeps. Nannies are a good option if you need more flexibility, but cost is definitely way up there. We have good friends who have a nanny, but the wife is an attending while the husband is a resident, so her salary makes up for it.

[diggitydot]

Welcome to the group!



As for planning your future, you're going to be in a bit of a holding pattern until he matches into an NSG (or any other) program. I'm a planner and this drove me batshit crazy during the med school years. It gets better once you know where you're headed after the match, though.

Keep your minds and options open. Don't fall too in love with any one location/program/specialty/etc. Medicine can change your life in a heartbeat, so a lot of flexibility and a good ability to roll with the punches will serve you very well.

Welcome. We get it, I promise.

[L.Jane]

Welcome!

Invisibility? People are going to be how they are going to be... You are going to deal with both people who recognize you and those who are just idiots. Welcome to dating a Dr.

Time constraints.. Yeah.. most likely he isnt going to be around a lot. Even in the most family friendly residencies he is going to be working long hard hours. My DH isn't NSG, he's gen surg, but while his residency is very family friendly, he still has many rotations where he is not around a lot. I am due in April and we got unlucky and is on his worst rotation this year when I am due. He was lucky that he was able to go to the early sonograms but he is going to miss this last one due to his rotation and He will basically just make it to the birth because I will have every single resident's phone number so someone can take over for him once I am headed to the hospital. With both of you working, a full time preschool, or if you can afford it, a nanny is going to be a must.
ETA: and if the kid is sick, or the day care is closed, its going to be up to you to take off work. He will be unavailable.


My advice I always tell everyone is my motto that has gotten me through residency: Expect the worst and you might be pleasantly surprised. I know that's a bit pessimistic, but every time I start expecting things to happen, I am sadly dissapointed, but if I expect things just to not work in our favor, the times they do, are really nice. Once he starts his residency you will be going to many functions with out him. My DH and I never actually made it to a wedding together until our own (after being together 4 years). I go on vacations home with out him and religious events alone.

[MAPPLEBUM]

Hi, and welcome!

1) how do you all deal with the invisibility?

I certainly noticed this when we moved from the Southeast to Midwest for residency. Not so much invisibility, but for the first time people thought his job/life was way more interesting than mine (I'm a classical musician), I'd always though that *I* had the most interesting career! So the first 6 months were especially frustrating. Now we're pretty settled and have good friends so it's not an issue. When we're with family I'm at least glad the spotlight is off of me and I don't have to keep saying "SELF employed, not UNemployed, dad."

2) What's the one piece of advice in dealing with the time constraints?

We have no kids or desire for any for a long time, if ever so I can't comment on that. Here's my thoughts on time constraints: a) Don't wait around. Ever. If you wanna go out, go out, if you want to stay in, stay in, but not in hopes that he'll come home and you'll get to spend quality time together. Even if he does come home at a reasonable hour he'll be distracted -- need to decompress, probably read, and then want to run straight to bed. Know that ahead of time so you're happy with or without him b) Push yourself to be more outgoing and develop a strong support network, not just work friends but with community members, long distance family/friends, and maybe even IMSN it helps. c) make sure you have "dates" on a regular basis, if not every night. Doesn't always have to be going out, but time together without interruption. d) budget in vacations. He'll get 3 weeks a year. Go somewhere, and CHILL OUT. With family, friends, or alone. I'm always surprised how DH turns into a different person (that laid back guy I fell in love with!) on vacations, and it usually bleeds into the first few weeks back in the grind.

3) Any other advice?

Since the uncertainty in their careers is non negotiable I'd say figure out a way to rationalize how that is absolutely best for your career and personal development. It's like voodoo self talk, but try to construct a way that you can get where YOU want to be professionally and as a human knowing he may maybe in Iowa for Internship, Florida for Residency, South Carolina for Fellowship and then land *the job* in Washington state.

Oh, and however much he helps around the house subtract that by 98% and consider that a good week!

[Meenah]

Welcome!

[DrBandMe]

Welcome to the bunch! This is a fly by and I'll do my best to get back with a large message later but I didn't want to forget to welcome you to the mad house!

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

Welcome!


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[moonlight]

Welcome! Glad you found us!!!

[MrsC]

Welcome!

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[SuzySunshine]

Welcome! My husband and I have been together since undergrad, he's now 2 years out in skull base neurosurgery. Its a long road but its just a road. The people here will tell you my perspective has changed but its all about perspective.

First off, Neurosurgery is just a job - yes some people think its a pretty impressive job but its just a job and you can't control other people's reactions. A PharmD is an impressive degree as well but a lot of people don't understand its a doctorate or how hard pharmacy school is. The invisibility doesn't suck any less but you either learn to live with it or it eats at you. They're still just people even if other people think otherwise.

Time constraints - they have NO free time during residency, none! I had a Monday - Friday 8-5 job except for some events that were outside of regular working hours. I had to stop working when our daughter was born during 4th year of residency because we didn't want to get a nanny, I didn't love my job enough for that and we lived in a COL area where I could afford to stay home. Child care, taking sick days when the kids are sick, that is all going to fall on you. They might get a research year (or two) with better hours but not all residencies have that any more.

A lot of residencies are hard - neurosurgery is also very competitive but its manageable.

Welcome, there are lots of professionals here married to docs in several difficult specialties. You're at the beginning of a long road but if NSG is TRULY what he loves he won't be happy doing anything else.

[spotty_dog]

Welcome! I had to Google your username -- nice choice (at least, if your Asclepius pops the question, LOL). If he's NSG material then that's a force of nature that's not to be stopped, but I offer my sympathy and the promise that if anyone is going to get it when times get tough and you need to vent or fret, it's the folks here!

[GrayMatterWife]

Responses, in order questions asked:

1. (Background: I am married to a NSG, 1.5 years out from fellowship. We have been together since undergrad. He holds an MD-PhD and I hold a JD. I work full-time. We have four kids, and we homeschool one of them. Life is good but busy.) I am not invisible. Not an issue, and never has been. Anyone who dismisses you--whatever you do--because you are not a NSG is way, way, way too impressed with neurosurgery. As an aside, if you BF is merely "planning" on going into NSG at this point, he is ill-advised to represent that he is "going into" NSG….until he actually matches. Many very qualified people have tried to match into NSG and--for whatever reason--did not match. I would say, "I am trying to match into NSG."

2. One piece of advice: be totally hardcore about NSG. If you are married, you can do neurosurgery successfully and sanely only if it is a joint decision. Whining, complaining, bitching about the fact he is not home, etc. will get you no where and it will just make you both miserable. It's seven years--it's finite. Just deal with it and be a team player and very supportive. That's my advice. Whining will reflect badly on him, too. He will be the guy with the whiney wife--which makes him look like he has bad judgment.

3. There is no such thing as a "family friendly" NSG residency, if you mean "family friendly" in a way that it might be meant in family practice, pediatrics, radiology, Optho, etc. But that being said, neurosurgery programs don't care if you have kids. Many NSGs I know (us included) had kids in residency. But, having kids in no way affords you any breaks. (You can't be late because the kid feels badly. You can't take off two weeks for paternity leave. You can's skip weekend call because the kid has a birthday party.) "Family friendliness" shouldn't be his focus, anyway. NSG is about getting into the best program you can. The other stuff you just need to make work (dealing with an unfriendly program, bad location, etc.).

You mentioned a nanny… nanny will help if you will be working full-time with kids, if you can afford it. I worked full-time throughout residency and had no nanny, or maid, or any household help. I didn't live near any family. Just stay really, really organized and have a flexible boss. And a good nursery school.

Any other advice? NSG is an awesome speciality. I am very proud of DH and all he has accomplished and am excited for what he plans to do. We had wonderful years in residency--it was not the misery that it was for many people. Some of that was due to attitude, but a LOT of that was due to luck. Some people luck into the WORST residency programs (even at fantastic institutions). It's a crap shoot.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

We are a consultant and a Urology resident. I work 60+ hours/week and we have two little ones.

We manage with a nanny that is affordable based on my salary. Because I travel for work, daycare wasn't an option for us.

Family friendly isn't really possible the way that I would define it and Urology is supposedly more family friendly. He can never, ever reliably do anything M-F even if he's not on call. He cannot ever take long weekends or switch his vacations. He cannot ever help out in the mornings and also did 4 months in a rotation 2.5 hours away while I was pregnant/with a newborn. He did get a week of "paternity leave" - his vacation that we scheduled that way.

He loves it though and we are thriving despite everything. I don't like my job but we are working on it.

[SuzySunshine]

I will tell you that after training there are NSG jobs that are more family friendly. None will ever be truly because they are surgeons but my husband has 3 (almost 5) great partners who cover for each other, etc and work well as a team. In fact two of the other wives are pharmacists. We also have a NSG friend that is part of a huge practice and gets like 14 WEEKS of vacation/year. Just so you know residency sucks but it can get better.